@Jay2023 Damn I was meant to press reply and ended up clicking report. I do apologise. @Sammy will have a field day!

Are you sure it’s nothing like work, financial or other stress contributing?

If it is just the picture update. Don’t be so hard on yourself, people make far worse mistakes. Resolve not to be sucked back in. She doesn’t care about you mate if she is selfish enough to insert herself both figuratively and literally to meet her needs whilst having no emotional awareness of the impact it could have on you by using you as a crutch and sex.

If her relationship has gone pear shaped and she doesn’t have option 1,2,3 lined up don’t be surprised if she comes around again to her “safe bet” – you. But build your self worth and esteem to know better this time. That’s the only bombshell left so if you prepare mentally you’ll be ready. Sammy is far too empathetic about her in this situation in my opinion, I honestly think being a guy myself your memories are clouded by the physical aspect you enjoyed, I understand that entirely and getting hooked!

What you’ll understand in your own time is if this woman had shown you support, uplifted you during difficulties,  shown kindness and care (like you did for her) then finding it difficult to cut all ties is expected because you grow to care about the person. Naturally you want to remain a part of their life in some form. But she only appears to want to be in your life for the selfish reasons. Keep reminding and drilling that fact home.

Outdoor restaurants are open, go for a meal, do some shopping and plan activities to keep tou stimulated. Talk to other people, reconnect with friends you’ve not seen or spoken because of the pandemic, the loneliness will only grow if you isolate yourself or become introverted. Reach out to people yourself, it doesn’t have to always be the other way around. You’ll see positive changes before you know it.

@Jay2023 thought I’d break down the posts so it isn’t too long. Where are these anxious feelings stemming from. Usually there is something that causes unease then that festers until we confront it. So what is making you feel uneasy?

Even if you don’t have solid plans , don’t write your weekend off before it’s even begun. Expect the unexpected.

Yes Sammy is very selfless and I thought she deserved to be told. Quite often we get caught up in our own issues we forget to say a simple thank you, it goes a long way especially for those who have shown concern to check in on us. In a selfish world not many would.

@Sammy ahaha you’ve been waiting for me to slip up, gunning for me since day 1 😭😭. I’m messing. @Jay2023 my bad bro, I apologise for that assumption, so busy with everything that’s happening in my sphere I dropped the ball. I try my best to reply to everyone it’s just common courtesy. After all the help this thread has given me it would be rude and selfish to ignore anyone’s messages but I do agree with Sammy I should pay closer attention when reading. My advice could potentially upset someone already hurting. So in future I’ll definitely reply but take time.
How are you feeling with another weekend approaching bro? Any better today? Sammy gave some sage advice above, if you can’t be bothered looking through the thread. I can re post the questions and it’s an exercise that we can do on this thread. I know @Kkasxo and others found it useful.

@Sammy I know your previous message was addressed to @Jay2023 in regards to moving on and letting go, but something about gratitude resonated. It is very easy to get comfortable and take people for granted. I have been guilty of that myself in the past. I personally just wanted to add we may have had a rocky start but the amount of effort you put in to help even though you are now in a better place is a testament to your character. When people are in better place they often forget those who helped them there, you’ve helped others when you were low like Shelbyville, Michelle and whilst high like me, NBC, Jay. You’ve given your precious time, spared a thought for the feelings of others and check in when no one would expect you to, I think it’s an incredible quality you possess. Very difficult to find people like you, the people in your life are lucky to have you, I hope they know that and don’t take granted as I know people who exhibit kindness like you are often taken for granted. So I just wanted to take this moment to express my gratitude. I’m grateful to have had a virtual person who has given me the inspiration to continue to be a better person like ‘B’ offers irl. It’s encouraged me to make sure those in my life I express it to aswell! Eternally grateful to have stumbled across this thread, I agree with your sentiments about certain things placed in your life by God too. It’s all fated.

@Sammy mate glad it’s not anything too concerning and hope the sinuses stop giving you trouble. Don’t be such , let your man help it makes us feel helpful and good! Wedding planning is in place as long as Boris doesn’t introduce new laws. I think the constant moving dates etc has added to the stress. I just need to turn up! ‘B’ wants to spend 3 weeks with her family before the wedding and not see each other at all. I’m not exactly keen on that idea but she feels it will be even more special. I feel she definitely wears the trousers in certain things so I will not have a say, you got to keep the Mrs happy !

@Jay2023 so you slipped up, happens to the best of us bro. No harm done just need to keep it moving forward. If she has had a breakup, then don’t be surprised if she hoovers she seems like that type considering how she used you. This will be your test to stand up for yourself so don’t get sucked in for another hook up.

Sammy is right if it’s a case of incompatibility then soon once those feelings pass and you have healed then you’ll have the chance to reconcile as friends or acquaintances if she was someone you actually cared about. But most often what happens is the infatuation wears off and people move on becoming indifferent. So time will prove the intentions of a person and if they cared at all.

If you really care about her so much and the feeling was mutual it’s just a temporary parting until you cross paths again with a new outlook and can share a different relationship. So don’t see it as a complete loss.

I’m confused who do you want light contact with?

Believe in yourself bro, you are the prize!

@Jay2023

I know it was a picture but often social media is a lie, don’t let your head get wrapped up in the trail of thoughts she’s now x,y,z without you, whilst you’re drowning. You may be drowning right now but at least you’re confronting your issues whilst she’s masking hers with another guy. She’s bound to run into problems sooner or later. Everyone who is emotionally unstable does! She clearly is.

Instead praise yourself for trying to get to the root of your issues and being a better version for yourself. Us men hardly ever change, the one’s who undertake this task are the ones that always end up successful. So good on you bro!

Thailand sounds like a shout. You planning a single trip or taking some mates?

Don’t worry about the whole exchange thing that Sammy is getting at. I don’t think you were looking at the usual scenario men get caught up in – gifts for sex. You’re too kind for your own good. I think you saw a person you genuinely cared about and wanted to treat. No indication you wanted to buy her love or affections, like she was a commodity. There’s very few genuine people who spoil and do that these days, she was lucky. Another reason why it’s her loss.
(Sammy, I now how the song gold digger running through my head!! Ahaha)

It appears she had a high flying career herself? So I doubt the gold digger notion too. However if she has a great career and suspected you wouldn’t match it then I can see a reason for why she may have dropped you.

Bit cruel of her to have a family dinner and then drop the doubts bomb. In hindsight I’m sure you’re aware of how profoundly incompatible and how far removed this was from a healthy loving relationship.

Try in future not to let physical intimacy blind you. Think objectively. Although you were warming to the idea of a mixed or integrated family unit , I think because you desperately wanted to be with her you’d be able to also uphold that responsibility for the children. But the realities of such a situation are completely different.
The support front was already lacking for you when you lost your job. This is a red flag.

Imagine adding responsibility and inevitable friction with kids arising, you would have been left on the sidelines always and felt unsupported and worn yourself out!

I think you’re doing all the right things. You’re proactive approach will serve you well. I hope CBT is a success for you. I hope you are starting to realise this is no longer about her but you. You have the power within yourself to attain that future happiness you desire. Better choices, better outcomes.

@Sammy1

Your new man sounds great, I’m very happy for you. Hopefully you can settle on the Michael Buble front! Slow and steady and I’m sure you will have a good chance of making a great partnership!

Thank you for the advice on ‘B’ is nice to be reminded about the bigger picture. Me and her starting a new life together. I can’t reveal the date of the civil ceremony, yes I’m slightly superstitious but its looking likely we will get all of the events done this summer as long as Boris doesn’t have other ideas. Wedding planning is a nightmare though. I think I’m looking forward to it all being done so I can enjoy her to myself. Cotswold is where we are hoping to settle!

@Sammy1 Hope you had a great Easter! Things with ‘B’ are great, I struggle a little with the whole cultural and large extended family thing, it’s not what I’m used to.

There’s two sides to it, but in planning our wedding I didn’t realise how many voices there would be to keep happy. When I get flustered I just remind myself who I am going to spend my life waking up next to and when it’s me and her alone I feel incredible.

We’re still trying to find our forever home. One things for certain it will not be in London!

I must say Sammy, I think you don’t quite realise how strong and amazing you are. The growth you’ve undertook is far more than most could do in a lifetime also you exude amazing qualities. You’re giving, you’re truthful you are very empathetic and possess an intuitiveness that can help others. You do go the extra mile for people and that shows in your responses to @Jay2023 where you’ve taken time out to make sure he is ok.

I’m really impressed with the way you have dealt with your ex and I do hope that your new boyfriend treats you the way you deserve. I’m glad you worked on achieving happiness in yourself first! Well done mate !! So what’s he like?

@Jay2023

Bro! I’m sorry but not surprised to read she’s moved on. Did you manage to salvage any of your Easter?

Social media can be your best friend or your enemy. Some utilise it to spur them to achieve the happiness they desire. Others can become engrossed in what they don’t gave. So based on how it makes you react, I’d decide if a hiatus will help or hinder.

How are you feeling? I think like I said in my first post to you, asking for help as a male is a step in the right direction. Especially with toxic masculinity so rife. If that means involving your doctor then do it for yourself, forget the ego, the notion of it makes you weak. If you aim to seek the help you need there’s no doubt you’ll move on from this heartbreak.

I agree with Sammy, there’s a certain peace you achieve being civil or mature with an ex. It was part of my healing process too. We are not friends either not because I worry about the circumstances leading to sex, oh no, my first ex betrayed me enough to never want to go there but because we genuinely grew apart and other than my best friend she cheated on with we have nothing in common. God forbid if ‘B’ and I split I know it would be impossible to be friends at first and I do agree if there is a certain amount of chemistry then being best friends will be impossible. But the type of person ‘B’ is and how she changed my life, I’d hate to lose her forever so I’d work damn hard to get to that space at least.

If you really feel your ex was a great influence, you grew and change for the better because of her support etc then aim for being a part of each other’s life one day but accept what you wanted is never going to happen. Then if you ever to reconnect it will be with the right intentions. You care but want nothing more. Not a ruse to win her back.

@Jay2023 sorry for the absence bro, life is in full swing! You sound more positive towards the latter posts but I admit I’ve skim read, are you eating now and feeling better than before? Much of the advice Sammy has given you is on point so I will not reiterate it. Just @ me if you need anything , I hope the weather and inwardly reflecting has lifted the mood. Keep us posted on your progress mate

@Sammy how are you doing? I’ve skim read a few of the posts, it appears you’re in a relationship now? Happy for you mate you’ve really done a lot of work on yourself. You should be proud.

@NBC

I’m so glad you found this thread useful and it’s aided you in your healing. Yes, unfortunately you were missing the most crucial element. You will find someone one day who doesn’t make you question your worth. That is the person who will remind you how worthy you are, this person is the only one worth losing sleep over!

Thanks mate for your kind wishes and I cross my heart that I’ll honor ‘B’ and remember exactly why it’s her. Even when she annoys me about the toilet seat!

Happy ever afters are over rated. It is in the struggles and gaining insight and growing where you find real happiness. I wish you all the best for your future. If you need any other male perspective just holler!

Danny