@Jay2023 thanks bro for the comforting words. I’m so sorry to be so self absorbed. My chest is in knots. Are you doing okay?

I really hope she isn’t having cold feet mate but I can’t shake the feeling, it’s just not like her to react like this but then we’ve never argued to this degree either. We butt heads often but laugh it off and we both love having that yin and yang to us too because it makes us grow together. If she doesn’t get in contact over the weekend it will be the longest whilst in a relationship we’ve not spoken at all. I just have this urgency to go to hers and hold her and tell her I’m sorry in person. I’m such a dick man. I finally have the most beautiful, kind, giving woman and I still manage to mess it up she wasn’t even asking anything  bad of me but trying to help me heal.

@Sammy1 I know you’re busy preparing and looking forward to your bfs birthday. I feel really ashamed to bother you. I was hoping @Jay2023 may be able to give me a piggy back whilst you take your break but he seems otherwise occupied. I humbly ask for your advice. It appears I’ve rocked the boat more than I thought by acting on my emotions and now I am very regretful and left facing the consequences.

If you pick this up in your notification, can you get back to me please?

Sammy, I will try and be better and the bigger person. Let’s see what happens, truth be told I do miss him. I do hold what you say in high regard and have learned a tremendous amount. Very much grateful! You look after yourself too! Just an @ away!

@Jay2023 good to hear from you bro. You sound like you’ve really made headway. The combo of medication and time has done you wonders mate! Great that you’re realising there’s other connections out there to be made and you’re not rushing into another romantic liason or void filling like I did. Trust me when the initial honeymoon phase of a new thing wears off, you just feel hollow and back to square one all over again.

Keep at this pace, working on yourself, soon you’ll kick the addiction to your ex completely. The growth and work you’re doing will slowly amass to a really big impact on your future and help you form the relationship you deserve. Well done bro, proud of you! Do you think you can skip CBT therapy now and have a handle of your anxiety?

Sammy as ever is on the money my reaction to ‘B’ was pure stupidity and unnecessary. But it is good you understand where I’m coming from, I’m over the ex but mate I find the idea of being in the same room as my wifey, best friend and the woman I was once with intimately and loved just awkward!

‘B’ I get she has a huge heart and she’s also very smart she may see something I can’t yet, but honestly though I still don’t get how she would be okay with it, if it was vice versa I know I wouldn’t be pleased. Do you get me? Or is that old insecurities?

I don’t know he broke my trust by betraying me yet I still miss him. Her never.

If I’ve truly forgiven though then I shouldn’t be holding it against him forever that he happened to fall in love with the girl I was dating? If they are destined for one another than that’s that. I was destined for ‘B’ I’ve found myself and happiness, so should I just be more mature and give them a second chance? After all it was a second chance from ‘B’ that turned my life around completely. Would you ever talk to an ex or an ex friend again especially in the context of having a wifey? Maybe not letting go of all the pain is a male thing. We get stubborn!

It’s been good having another guy on this thread so keep in touch, I have to admit other than my actual bro, the lads they just can’t deep it ahaha. So I’d appreciate having someone who understands from a male perspective too when I’m in a pickle! I’ll be sure to return too!

@Sammy1 you are a diamond, do you know that? Thank you for keeping it real with me sometimes it just helps to hear a neutral opinion, I trust your advice and posting on here can get you out of your own head and not spiral. It’s hard truths and I can’t disagree with your verdict. So thank you for knocking some sense into me. I feel like a right idiot!

You’ve been incredible Sammy, you’ve gone beyond for me so many times. Reading how much thought you put into your latest posts to @Jay2023 this morning, I realised how far you’ve come, how selfless you are. I don’t want to take advantage of that, I’m not going to insist you carry on posting, you’re so understanding, fair and real I’d love to have access to your sound advice but you do what’s best for you. All I can say is thank you so much for your help on my journey and for always keeping me in check and dedicating your precious time to help especially after you got to your good place. You came back and kept posting after you had resolved your issues and that is a testament to your character. Thanks mate, hope this is a farewell for now!

Just to add, I hope the birthday efforts go down a treat ;). Happy housewarming ahaha! If you ever need me please @ me, I will 100% make the concerted effort to always reply to you after all you have done for me!

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Danny.

@Jay2023 hope you’re all good bro. Bit quiet on here. Didn’t read all of this but did you go on a bender or something?

@Sammy1 you’re quiet too are you ok? If you are can I get a quick opinion on something?

@Jay2023 you’re doing great bro. Reading the words ‘none of that is my concern anymore’ really says it all. Your mindset has really shifted gears to allow you to focus on yourself.

Once you’re better acquainted with yourself, you can pursue love, companionship as everyone needs it but all this inner work will serve you in the future, you will not let your needs be unmet for as long as you did. Yes you could have nipped it in the bud sooner given it was on/off from the very beginning. However I think you’ll really grow and become stronger as a result of this experience and not allow a repeat.

With being bored of drinking, you’re wising up mate, might be the repetitiveness of it all too. Maybe you never really did get anything from it. If you keep going out with the same people and not drink, you’ll realise soon enough if it was more the company of your friends that energises you, the booze or neither! Perhaps now you’ve realised it’s about self enrichment and embracing solitude until you can find someone/thing that really adds to your happiness rather than seeking happiness in it.

Agree with Sammy, an update on the social media accounts can boost self confidence. As long as you don’t rely on it or do it for any other intent. So enjoy the self care and haircut. Post.

Breakup sex – three times? I was half joking about it as in most cases it just hinders the healing process but sometimes it can give closure – the last hurrah! But yeah mate I think for her it’s clear it was just staying in contact for sexual access! She had no intention of anything beyond casual and keeping you on the back burner. You can do better. Each to their own, men can be promiscuous without being judged so even if she’s loose as long as she’s happy within.  It wouldn’t surprise me though if this lack of self respect was rooted in self esteem issues.

Plenty of resources available on CBT so maybe you can start implementing them now and by the time you are seen maybe the obsessive thoughts and ocd will have already improved tremendously. How are you feeling. Has Mondays mood remained consistent?

@Sammy, happy to have helped. Given what you wrote about your bf’s job, it is clear quality time will be a winner. So your combined idea sounds perfect! He sounds great so far, is level headed, giving and good for you. I’m really pleased for you mate!

I read your post yesterday and wished you never asked about your friend’s situation because it upsets me too and reminds me of things I’d like to personally forget with ‘B’. However you give to this thread and others so openly and willingly, I would like to do the same, even if the topic makes me uncomfortable.

I’d like to point out I have never stooped as low to use disgusting terms like that to describe any woman. The facts are though I was a bit of a dick and hurt ‘B’, it was immaturity on my side. @Jay2023 can offer an unbiased viewpoint.

Sometimes women can lead men on for their own power trips which is equally unfair and hurtful. The term cocktease has been coined as the female equivalent of a guy being called a player.

The case you described however,  it’s obvious the guy was being an arsehole.

If a guy is using any type of derogatory slurs such as frigid, slut, cocktease, whore towards a woman whether as banter or not, you’re right he has an inherent disrespect for women and needs a lot of soul searching.

When he didn’t get sex he acted immaturely and his knee jerk reaction at best was to self soothe his ego at worst was to say something that in his mind would convince or manipulate her to give in . Pure stupidity and dickhead behaviour.

Simply put men are primal and like most men he presumed he could be the one to conquer. Yes I’ll be honest and break bro code, it was probably a challenge because let’s be honest most people are easy these days.

Men only act butthurt if their ego is bruised by a hot woman. To be charitable to the guy, he most likely found her very sexually attractive, by her sticking to her guns even if she expressed feelings, still would have felt like a rejection in his eyes, in turn triggering underlying self esteem issues. This is no excuse but these type of men are always insecure.

I don’t know if his intentions were insincere from the beginning. If they were, then he just wanted his cake and to eat it too. Instead of being emotionally stunted and selfish he could have discussed ways with her to make it easier for both better still if he knew he didn’t have the self control and willpower to be patient he shouldn’t have got involved, your 100% right there.

I think @Jay2023 as a male will agree that not every man out there need life lessons to fix him up. There are some great guys like your new bf who are ready and mature enough for a healthy relationship. His behaviour was a reflection of his issues not a reflection of your friend. Sorry she got hurt, I hope he hasn’t damaged her confidence too much. She must be a very beautiful woman and should continue to stick to her guns.

She has a right to choose when and who she wants sex with and some men need to grow up and get this obligation nonsense out of their head. As long as she makes her intentions clear from the beginning, then even if they were flirting , making out, it’s his job to control his own urges, she owes nothing to him. Sex is not an exchange. It should be between two people with a connection who equally want it.

She hasn’t lost out. You remind her of that. When you hurt a strong girl which she is for not giving in, you are only hurting yourself. You are giving up the opportunity to spend a lifetime with someone who would treat you with respect, who would support you when you’re down. He is the one who lost someone faithful, someone true to their values.

If he has a conscience he will have or will correct it by approaching her to offer an explanation and apologise in person soon enough. If he is just an arsehole, he will not. Tell her not to lose sleep over it either way. Karma does its thing always.

On that note, I think I’ll leave it there. @Jay2023 can help you further if your have any questions. It’s actually brought up a lot of emotion for me and I feel really lucky I was able to make amends to the extent i did with ‘B’. Time to take a day off and go remind my beautiful kind woman why I love her and say some graces.

@Jay2023 even with no heartbreak we can all experience rough days. It’s never linear bro so just keep reminding yourself even if spirits drop , they’ll pick up again. 9 months? I thought you broke up 2 months ago?

Nostalgia. It’s one of those things. Even though I no longer have any desire for her everytime I pass the very first date spot of my ex it brings it back and I can’t help but smirk. I couldn’t keep my hands off her that evening. Oh how things change! Don’t think B would be too pleased to read this, better park that thought there.

I’d like to think I have a good heart too bro ahaha,  I know I let myself down and I got lost a little focusing too much on the wounds from my past , meaning I missed the Angel in front of me. Its all good though I did right in the end,  it just made me realise never to take her for granted and also how strong our love was if we survived that. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Has your mate split up too? It might be a great bonding experience to heal together and spur each other to grow. Maybe this is the connection you need to focus on. Whereas I had to focus on dumping my lads! Bad bad advice offered by them.