I think the overwhelming opinion is no one liked me on here, well at least not the ladies ahaha. I will not put you on the spot @Jay2023 and ask for your initial impressions! But bro it’s good to hear from you! I’ll leave it to Sammy to give you the dressing down for your disappearance. I knew you probably needed time to reconfigure but women! Actually to be upfront before Sammy has a field day, i was very concerned about you too, if I’d known you’re sound, I could have avoided writing my autobiography!

What’s happening? All in your own good time though bro. Sounds like you’ve knuckled down and done a full 180! It’s good to hear you sound healthier and haven’t allowed yourself to sink into that dreaded void.

I could be wrong but as a fellow lad I’d be willing to wager a bet, I think someone special has caught your eye if you’re over your ex to that extent given where you were! If that’s the case mate all I’ll say is don’t let swing of emotions confuse you or fear stop you! Carpe diem! Have courage to grab your happiness. Look forward to your update, fingers crossed whatever it is or you’re unsure about works out well for you bro and its not long before we hear back from you!

@Rhaenys Really glad me sharing my journey has had a positive effect on you and I was touched by your words, especially the last bit. I think everyone deserves that comfort and knowing they are loved. It’s uplifting to know we have all got our own individual wounds but heartbreak really is universal. It makes us all stronger!

You make sure you take care of your human too and not give up. Fears are what hold us back don’t give into them.

@Sammy1 Thank you for saying you’re proud. Everytime I hear that it gives me a buzz. Throughout life I barely heard it as a guy from anyone other than parents but I think it makes a huge difference in knowing you are making others proud.

What you wrote in reference to soulmates was very moving but then you had me splurt out my coffee this morning too! Not just two pervs touching each other? You’re hilarious mate! Ahaha!

I cross my heart and hope to die. I’m going to love ‘B’ from a place of wholeness.

I’ve never framed it like that myself, but you’re right it took a lot to take that first step to resist against the fear of rejection, the ego, the depression and fight for her but I did! I will make a mental note of that and when I become stuck remind myself I have the courage and I have already overridden the voice. Very useful point!

I’m not even going to comment on the cork and cherry but bring it on! Ahahaha! Although fingers cross this Indian strain doesn’t throw a spanner in the works for the wedding. Covid is a nightmare to plan around!

Therapy session 2 was only 30 mins yesterday, I had to cut it short ended up with a conflicting schedule. We discussed the techniques to develop more grounded thoughts when met with an emotion that feels overwhelming and behaviour activation. It was brief but I think it will help, I think the first session alone has done a lot. I like the therapist isn’t rigid, she’s flexible to park a thought if I’m not ready and come back to it or work on something else. She said between 6-8 sessions I should make headway but it was down to me really how quick or slow that progress is. Let’s see!

@Jay2023 only because I see you in me somewhat. I’m going to write out something very personal to me which I hope makes you realise you’re not alone.

When I felt really low, combination of the heartbreak and not knowing my own identity, I would spend hours gaming and playing snooker but one day even that wasn’t enough to distract from my inner turmoil. I would then sit and write a text for ‘B’ trying to word and explain to her but not even knowing how to or where to begin. I felt a burden, so instead I ignored her, pushed her away but she was one of the very few who actually intuitively understood and would have done anything to help. I wish I had reached out sooner, I wish I had learned talking is better. Withdrawing just left me alone with my intrusive thoughts and I ended up hurting me, her and my family. My brain tried to tell me I was better off without ‘B’ and she would be happier without me bringing her down with my issues. My brain tried to tell me my family had grew sick of me. My brain told me my friends would be tired I wasn’t moving forward. This can all be terrifying, the feeling of falling into a void or drowning and you can’t escape no matter what you do, each day you get sucked deeper. Everything you once enjoyed doesn’t have any colour. Its this void that I’ve been in and come out of , it was mainly ‘B’ and my family who eventually pulled me out. But I had to take the step by reaching out to those I knew would understand and not just say get over it. I’m proof you can get out of that spell. I’m not saying it’s left me entirely it’s there and I’m working on it, but I’m not in that dark void in depths of water struggling to hold onp. Because I’ve accepted I need help and I’ve accepted help from people who care about my mental health.

It took one text to start the chain of events which has brought me here. I hope that gives you some hope bro , I really do.

Hi @Sammy1 @Jay2023

So I went to therapy, it was eye opening!

The therapist picked up on how I was anxious avoidance or fearful avoidant and after probing excessively about my childhood said it probably originated in the fact as a child I felt like a dork and had hard time fitting in and relating to my peers and some other stuff.

We discussed the ex and how because it was my very first relationship I went into it without the fear as everyone does. But I was also unaware I lacked the tools to deal with a potential breakup having never experienced one. However since being hurt and betrayed it triggered the attachment style again and made me react the way I did subsequently.

She said after a breakup it was very common to attract those who were insecure or unstable, making us depressed that we are not in a healthy secure relationship. She said it was easy to say the other person was the problem but usually lies within us!

She explained that when I finally met someone secure, available and able to express her needs and wants the reason why I rejected a close bond with ‘B’ the first time was the intensity of intimacy we shared was scary and I focused on the potential it had to hurt me if it grew stronger, so opted to contort things to fit my own narrative and pushed her away by being avoidant.

She pointed out Anxious-avoidants are low in confidence and less likely to express emotions, preferring to suppress them. But they can have intense emotional outbursts when under stress (explains the argument we had). That we avoid seeking help because we are distrustful after being hurt in the past which is a shame because we are also incapable of sorting through our own issues alone ahaha.

The therapist pointed out I had done quite well to unlearn some of this attachment behaviour and the fact I was able to reconnect with ‘B’ and sustain it was positive i was pushing through the fears, improving my self esteem and looking for help externally and not relying solely on her to sort through my emotional issues was great progress. She said I needed to continue to be fearless in love as it was the only way to love again after any heartbreak. She said it was great ‘B’ was a pillar of strength but to avoid her feeling overwhelmed, resentful I had to continue working on dealing with my emotions better and self esteem.

The SHOCKING part:

I discussed the ex and ex best mate and told her how they had reached out. Therapist said it was fine to tell someone who had hurt you that you no longer wish to talk but it had to be expressed verbally.

She said the next part you’re not going to like.

She said I was lying when I said I was avoiding drama or trying to take the high road by not responding. It was actually me being EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATIVE. She said ignoring them after they reached out was actually a way for me to inflict pain without leaving a mark and punish them.

She said I may have been hurt but I was now trying to exert power. Have control and make them feel bad. She said if not addressed then this very common behaviour in fearful avoidant types can seep into other areas and future relationships. I was quite shocked and disgusted with myself to be honest because it has truth.

She said we are all manipulative to an extent that for example acceptable manipulation can be in form of smiling and making eye contact which are considered healthy ways to increase the chances of human connection.

But when manipulation is used to avoid vulnerability and establish power over others, it becomes unhealthy.

She said this unhealthy  manipulative behaviour of using silent treatment arises because I lack effective communication skills.

Also because in my first relationship I lacked boundaries and had to learn to recognise I was also at fault it wasn’t just one way. She said I now avoided direct communication because I was punished when I was vulnerable. As a result, it triggers unhealthy behaviour in us, so the original means for connecting was overridden and replaced by strategies centered around avoiding any sense of fault. This leads to indirect communication or passive aggressiveness and a refusal to be accountable for our actions.

The therapist said i had to work on cultivating healthier communication patterns, and find better ways to get my needs met. She said it was enough for today, the session was meant to be an hour ended up being 3!

A lot to absorb but I think she’s right I am still feeling a deep sense of victimisation from the first relationship and it’s contributing to unhealthy behaviour. So need to knuckle down an tackle it. Because I sure don’t want to end up being an emotionally manipulative twat even if it’s happening subconsciously!

I thought therapists would be fluffy if you know what I mean, I was expecting to cry because she was very direct and straightforward. I think it is what I need. Let’s see how it goes. Expensive job working out your feelings. I envy the likes of ‘B’ who have the tools to deal with their feelings healthily the majority of the time but I want to get there so I’m determined.

@Sammy1 I’m glad I reassessed the company I kept. With ‘B’ the lads used to tell me to play games and ignore her too to show I had control and mock her expressiveness, call her a cocktease. I allowed it to influence me. But she’s more well rounded, kind,  compassionate and humble in her pinky finger then all of their bodies combined! I’m feeling like a better human being for it. I don’t need validation from that crowd anymore. I am inspired by ‘B’ she has an inherent need to leave a positive mark. I want to follow in those footsteps. We have both been very vocal and supporting the Palestine cause some tough conversations have been had in my workplace and I’m glad for speaking out instead of always shying away from conflict. Learning to speak my mind is another trait of ‘B’ that has positively rubbed off on me.

I couldn’t agree more with your take on the Slow Burn vs. Sparks debate. Coming from a very red blooded male, learning to control my sexual urges to focus on an emotional connection has been the most testing but also the most fulfilling and rewarding relationship experience I’ve ever had. I’ve undertaken so much more growth since knowing ‘B’ than I did throughout my life.

@Jay2023
I can only echo Sammy’s words. I don’t think this is about your ex anymore. I can tell from your behaviour patterns that I mirrored myself there is something deeper unsettling you. Depression is a silent killer mate. It insidiously grows inside us. The only way to fight it is to grab the reigns and take back control of our own feelings. Has therapy come through?

I’m no finished product. I’m still growing but the difference is I’m growing with someone amazing by my side. This doesn’t mean you have to have a partner to get better it just means you have to have people who will challenge you give you compassion alongside a healthy dose of a reality check, who will champion us even when we’ve hurt them, pushed them away. But instead of feeling guilt, we let it inspire us to be better. But we can only be helped if we accept it. I could only be loved by accepting ‘B’ love. I can only move on from my mistakes by accepting my actions and the consequences. Then amending.

Are you ready to accept hard truths? Are you ready and willing to face those conflicted emotions you have been suppressing?

You and I in many ways are very similar, in other ways you’re already a far better person than I am.

Sammy and I are ready to talk and listen. I’m sure you are very cared for in your life too. So time to accept the branch and those reaching out to you instead of going inward and shutting people out. Let me tell you it will make things worse. You might recover for few days but will always find yourself back at square 1 because you’re not addressing things properly

I feel you’d pain and here for you bro. But as an adult only you can choose to accept or reject support.

Time your friend also did the same and addressed his problems and accepted help.

Unfortunately I know when you feel like this and you’re tired of wearing the mask. You just become overwhelmed and want every feeling to switch off. It’s okay to retreat only to regroup. You don’t want to spend your days just surviving. Might be a poor example but ‘B’ was telling me yesterday that the Palestinian people after oppression , being bombed mercilessly still got back up to celebrate their beliefs and festival. We need to take from these situations the power of resilience. That resilience comes from knowing who you are, having strong belief. In many situations I found myself unable to cope was because I actually didn’t have a strong sense of self.

Read this article. I read for myself today
www . psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifespan-perspectives/202003/seven-skills-resilience

I don’t have the same patience and persistence as Sammy or my ‘B’. These special type of women are just impossible to match in energy ahaha. So @Jay2023 if you don’t reply or shutdown again, I’m letting you know I do care bro but you got to take those steps man and ask.

Hi @Sammy1 mate,

How are you? Sorry about the late reply I’ve just had a very productive weekend. ‘B’ was very very pleased and sure showed it through my love language ahaha, she was impressed and appreciated the hampers that I sent out to the family, even more than the flowers and doughnuts I sent her! She’s got competition now! I want her to open herself up to receive because she’s such a giver!

There’s no chance, given the current circumstances I’m going to drop the family comments bomb. She doesn’t need the stress but I did what you said, this morning I wrote a letter and printed it with a time stamp and sealed and put it in my desk. If the same situation arises again then I will give her the letter and discuss it with her after the wedding. I’m just going to sacrifice here for now.

The house I will be purchasing, yes you heard right I’m going ahead! It’s something I would have considered purchasing even if I wasn’t engaged to ‘B’ they need a quick sell so although a big spend, it is too good of an investment to pass up- it needs doing up, so can be a place you can transform into a forever home or turn a significant profit. I’m actually very traditional though in certain things so I want to be able to buy my wife a home, that’s important to me. I know what you’re thinking if things go pear shaped i could take a financial hit but something like that would never require thought with ‘B’ her morals are so entrenched in her and I love her for it and lately I’m choosing to commit to my love for her and not the fears.

You’re so on the money Sammy, for a while now I’ve let the fears take control. Much like I did the first time and look where it landed me. It’s really hard, fighting the insecurities is not a quick fix, fighting the ego which wants to just protect itself then you become stubborn and do stupid things! I have my first therapy session booked in this week.

As @Jay2023 said I don’t want to suffer for my demons anymore either. My own insecurities cause me to project unrealistic expectations or nitpick. ‘B’ doesn’t need to be by my side 24/7, I see the importance of her taking space and I recognise this woman will support me when I really need in dark times or when I’m sick but I must not depend on her too much or expect too much. I want to live a fulfilled life and not keep ruining things with a woman who has been my biggest cheerleader, hypes me, but the best possible thing I’ve gotten is someone who encourages me to be the best version of my self every day. She constantly challenges me. 

I want to be able to drown out the voices that make me fall short and feel like a failure. I just want to give myself the love I deserve – ‘B’. I want to return it to her in the best way too as she really deserves so much.

This weekend I realised I need to dig deeper, I’ve grown tired of my defense mechanism from the pain from the ex. It has ruined so much already. Although I’ve come very far from where I was, I have done a lot of healing and maturing, I don’t want to carry any of remaining baggage into my new life with ‘B’. If that means forgiving and forming a new relationship with them so be it. If it means doing 12 step program so be it.

We’ll see but i want to love from the place you said not from fear of losing. She has always loved from a place of wholeness but lately my fears and issues caused her to feel insecurities and instability. I can’t have her feeling that ever again!!

Her and I are both grafters we believe on working on love so in many ways we fall in love more each day, it’s been a slow burn not an instant spark.

I’m grateful for that because she really sees me. With all my flaws she still has this amazing faith in me and my capabilities even if I can’t quite see it myself yet. So it’s about bloody time I looked at me with a magnifier and become better for myself. Then that will make me better for her too.

@Jay2023 bro is everything sound in your world? Is subduedness a sign of you having a upswing or needing some space to deal? Here for you mate, I understand what you are feeling on deeper level than you may think. We’re going to make wrongs right and be better mate.  We’re all in this together so got to keep grafting bro.

@Rhaenys I respect your opinion. To some degree you’re a right it will never be just the two of us, I’m not disillusioned. What I was trying to convey was when we are together it’s like nothing else exist. I do love that we can create that own little world to escape to just the two of us even if it’s for an hour of our day before we have to return to reality; our responsibilities, work, family etc. I knew I had to accept the family dynamic from the very beginning, I really contemplated this before thinking about reconciliation.

For me it’s like @Sammy1 said I have that bit of insecurity there that I sometimes look at this remarkable woman and think could she do better? I don’t let that thought fester for long but it’s there and I try to remind myself she chose me and if she can do better, I should be that better. We both come from a family oriented background, we both have been embraced and embraced each others.

If you want the truth the extended family the elder members have made a few remarks that she’s unaware of, her cousin at the time reassured me this was common but it brought up insecurities and because I don’t ever want her to sacrifice anyone or anything for me, I know how much she loves unity and her elders. I’ve kept quiet and not told her and I don’t intend to either before the wedding to not ruin it for her – whether that’s right or wrong I don’t know.

I’m sensitive and it affects me so I’m not too enthused for these cultural events where there’s likely to be more cutting comments from the extended family add that to the fact I’m also a bloke – I don’t know if @Jay2023 can back me up but we honestly don’t understand the fuss. I just want to marry her and make her happy so I will work to put my feelings aside and make more of an effort because I WANT to as I care for my beautiful fiancé and in the end I need to remind myself it will be just the two of us and our immediate families – which works wonderfully and we’ve really embraced each others.<>

I know I make mistakes. I know where I went wrong but I would sacrifice my own happiness and life for this woman, which is why I’m so hard on myself when I do falter.

Another long post @Jay2023 @Sammy1. When I was younger and a bit MORE immature I used to scoff at women that I dated writing essay texts but I’m humbled today. Writing has been healing and this very thread has changed me for the better. So if any of you are daunted by walls of text. Please bare with me ahaha.  

Do I feel like the biggest dick or what! So gutted and disappointed in myself. Sammy, you were right, women really do absorb a lot of our flaws because they love us, until that one moment and it may be trivial in the grand scheme of things but it does enough to overwhelm them and question how much they mean.

Yesterday evening I ended up going around to her place. I contemplated texting her on Mon night but decided after the incident that afternoon to give her the day of space and deal with it in person. I also couldn’t face another day of staring at the screen for bloody ticks to turn blue. Patience isn’t my strongest point and I had to see her.

I did a really stupid thing though, I let myself in (I have keys too) she was in the kitchen doing the dishes and I startled her. I started to nervous laugh because I was expecting her to be mad but after the initial reaction she seemed exhausted to react further, I think she was just relieved it was me and not an intruder.

I apologised for startling her but made it clear I would not be moved until we had talked things through. It was a risky move, I went in the lounge and parked myself there and waited. I was half expecting her to ask me to leave – which I would have done if she insisted, but she didn’t. What felt like hours but was only about 10 mins later, she brought me coffee in a funny mug and I knew we were going to make headway – she always serves me one in this funny mug when we have something long or serious to discuss it’s become our thing.

When she sat next to me, I knew she wasn’t quite ready to start talking and I remembered what Sammy had said, in distress you seek closeness, so I just said come here, we don’t need to talk right away and caressed her, she stayed in my lap like that for a while, it didn’t go unnoticed by me a week ago we were cuddling like this and things went horribly wrong.

I slowly began to coax her into conversation, I said I would tell her my side and vice versa and we would just listen to each others feelings calmy and see how it goes.  I told her how I realised where I went wrong. Why I reacted like that, how the wound of the ex and ex best mate is not fully healed so I don’t want to rush into any decision it was something i had to do on my own terms as they hurt me not the other way around but I loved appreciated her forgiving and golden heart. I told her no sex was not a rejection of her but me trying to respect her knowing it wouldn’t be right to take advantage. I told her I didn’t like taking space and was sad that our communication had gone out the window.

She said when the argument happened, she was taken aback by my tone, although we had bickered before, it was not as aggressively and to have a big argument close to our wedding was worrying when you’re supposed to be excited. She said hearing ‘controlling’ was very painful. She never once had pushed me to change in anyway and had from the very beginning accepted me. She said all she ever offered was a different perspective and encouraged growth in a good way.

She said she feared that I was feeling resentful in some way. It did take her back to the first time and knew that we were both so much more invested now and her intrusive thoughts were scary.

She said she was already aware her culture was dictating certain things for the wedding so she had tried to take on even more of the load to stop me from feeling overwhelmed but in the process she herself had began to feel like she was drowning and pulled in all directions.

She said the fairytale wedding she always dreamed of no longer appealed to her (this made me feel sad as I’ve been moaning so much I’ve taken the joy out of it for her too) she said if it was up to her she would elope. But she came with family whom she has always prioritised, it was important for them to celebrate the milestone. It felt to her that I was not embracing that aspect of her as much anymore.

She’s right because selfishly i love it when it’s just the two of us we just get so lost in our own bubble. I’m family oriented but her family dynamic is very different to mine. It’s not just parents and siblings it’s extended family which I have never really experienced and many more obligations. In one way it’s inspiring and beautiful but in others it’s daunting when it comes to events.

She said as her fiancé the very least she expected was I’d want to be more involved, supportive but every task was met with a moan (@Jay2023 I don’t know if you are the same but I realised I despise the fuss around these events. I look forward to the moment she walks down the aisle and we cement our union but the rest I’d quite happily skip!)

She said she had wanted me to WANT to do things not feel like she was guilting me. Also realised the fact I wasn’t instinctively would mean in future she may have to struggle alone.

This had all been brewing and after the argument she felt like she needed to pause. To reflect, but had not intended to do so for a whole week. Just that evening and when I didn’t message her that evening it began that spiral for herself, it strengthened the feeling I didn’t care in the same way she does about me. Basically Rhaenys and Sammy you were right.

She said she switched off her  phone but as soon as she saw the message she wanted to resolve things, so got ready to come over right away and that’s why she didn’t bother replying to the text.

Sammy you were on the money about the reason things escalated in that moment. She definitely was very distressed by things and feeling everything slipping away from her and wanted to feel close again. She was mortified with herself not me, she said her own actions took her by surprise. She said in that moment she desperately wanted to be consumed by me. She thanked and agreed it would have ruined it for both of us. I reassured her it wasn’t a rejection. I told her I love her more than she feels, and after all this time it wouldn’t have felt right even if my body has been yearning for her, I so badly wanted to and she could tell I was feeling it in that moment too. So she did this little thing which she always does when she wants to give reassurance or affirmation that our time will come, she reaches for my hand, entwines our fingers and strokes my hand and kisses it, so small but feels so good it floods my heart with warmth.

She agreed seeing the state of the place concerned her too. She didn’t say this next part but I bet she thought I was behaving like a man child. I wanted to interrupt her and say the anxiety had driven me to be a mess but bit my tongue and I’m glad I did because what came next was the most heartbreaking part.

She said usually taking on so much wouldn’t bother her but something had happened that I wasn’t aware and she was protecting me from it.

She said it was the next part that was consuming her the most and she wanted me to listen carefully she had really contemplated whether going ahead with the wedding was wise. That was not because her love had reduced in any way she still loved me as much as she did from the beginning if not more but she couldn’t shake the feeling that what may happen would be an unfair burden on me. I can’t share exactly what it is she made me pinky promise to keep it between us for now and I don’t want to betray her trust even though this is an anonymous forum because it is so personal to ‘B’. I haven’t got my head around it myself yet.

For me to call her controlling given the context, on top of whining about trivial things like if we really need wedding favours and acting like a man child, when she has needed stability and strength, I feel I have failed her. It hurts. It really does. I know I’m not a mind reader but I’m her fiancé I should have known sooner something was off.

I kept myself together. Just squeezed her so tight. I told her even though I falter. I wanted her to remember my love for her was solid and nothing would break through it now. We made a pact, no matter how confronting things get, we would share everything and try not to think we needed to protect one another, instead fight it together. I told her we can never ever go to sleep on an argument ever again and this although painful was needed and we were stronger together than apart.

We kissed and by the end we were drained, she fell asleep in my arms. I carried her upstairs but all night I lay holding her and the floodgates just opened. I love her so much, I couldn’t stop the tears because I’m sad I keep failing her. She doesn’t deserve any of this. I don’t want to hurt her. I hate hurting her. I don’t know what to do to fix it. I’m just a mess at times, does she deserve a person like me? That was it guys and I’m guessing you too realise what a dick I’ve been. This morning she was so chirpy but I’m stunned inside. I need to come with an action plan help me guys. I don’t want to keep letting her down she needs me more than ever.

@Jay2023 Bro thank you so much for the support over the past week. I hope you don’t disappear, you kept me in good spirits. You saved me from having to seek help from my brother who takes no prisoners. My family love ‘B’ even more than me if that’s possible. So talking to you helped save face and disappointing more people.

@Sammy1 I don’t know how you could end up in the situation you did with your ex because your advice has been incredible! Your new partner is very lucky to have such an intuitive, intelligent woman. I know you are looking to fade away from the thread but can we hold onto you a little longer please? Is that selfish of me to ask?

@Rhaenys sorry for being defensive. My brain is fried and I guess my feelings of protection for her kicked in.

@Sammy1 Before I start my reply. I just want to say thank you so much I know your weekend was busy and I hope your bf had a great birthday, to take time out for me – I’m beyond grateful. @Jay2023 doesn’t give himself credit. He has really been helpful to me more than he knows and I don’t know about him, but I felt we bonded.

That insight is incredible. I just panicked and saw it as a test (my own insecurities) but what you wrote is eye opening. I’m going to text her now. I’ve not contacted her all day but I trust your advice. And I do deserve answers but maybe I do need to be strong for her especially if her internal worries are making her behave so out of character. Thank you for stabilising me when I felt like I balloon that has had the air let out. I’ll let you know an update.