THIS IS A REALLY LONG POST. I needed to write it out to digest what happened. I tried to paragraph it.

@Kkasxo @Sammy @Shelbyville @Tim (thanks Tim for the pre advice) all of you please offer me your opinions. I don’t know how to navigate it from here.

I’m a mess! I feel like I’m in that movie Inside Out and someone’s unable to keep up with my extreme swing in emotions.

We had agreed to meet at Hyde Park because of Covid, but she messaged saying the weather was bad and she wasn’ feeling her Sunday run. I didn’t know what to say because I had finally built myself up to seeing her in person again but I didn’t want to push her.

I replied “Np..When it rains, it pours! :)”

(a pun with some truth lol)

She replied asking if everything was ok or something had happened. I could tell she was concerned about my bro. My chest just ached. I hurt this woman and still she was so compassionate.

I replied; “Nothing to worry about, wanted to talk to you in person. Enjoy your lazy Sunday and maybe we can rearrange for another time or meet today at St Pancras for takeout coffee instead?(first open place that came to my head where you can sit)”

Before people jump on me for suggesting a meeting indoors during a lockdown, I thought the concourse would be quiet. Less interaction with people and risk.

Anyway she read it but it wasn’t until 2 hours later she agreed. I scrambled to get ready and there ahead of time.

It was so strange seeing her in the flesh after so long. ‘B’ always dressed well but she looked real good. I had forgotten just how great her figure was, I had to really just focus on why I was there but I have to admit I was feeling those feels again. As she approached me I could feel myself on the verge of blurting out something silly that would objectify her, so I just froze like an idiot. At this point I still had my mask up so she couldn’t see my expression at least.

I had already got her, her favourite order from EL&N’s and I told her I felt guilty so I had brought 2 train tickets so we could have a valid reason for being in the station. I asked her if we could sit and chat.

That’s when she suggested we make use of the tickets and she would feel better to hop onto the train (she was always fun) and talk in such open space. I wasn’t going to say no! It was slightly awkward as we walked towards the train, we managed some small talk and then she asked where we were going..Luton. It broke the ice and she started to laugh! I said if I had known she’d be game, I would have chosen the longest route!

We got on and even managed to find an empty carriage. This is when I blurted out “I thought you would have been in touch?” I think just being with her again made me feel I wish it hadn’t been so long but that was not her fault of course. I don’t know WTF I was thinking!!

Needless to say she got really annoyed, she said I should be grateful she had agreed to this, that even after we went our separate ways, she tried to at least see if I was OK whereas I had shut the door and cancelled her like she never existed. She said I had cut her out, I had stopped her from even enquiring about my bros health. She said some of us are respectful…that she wanted to respect my wishes and give herself the respect I didn’t. She softened and then said it doesn’t mean it was easy for her, she had wanted to to text but in the end she didn’t.

I told her this may come as a surprise to her but I had been wanting to meet her for a while now, to make amends.

I told her she may have left thinking she was just an unimportant person, but she was someone who came into my life and revolutionised it, challenged me, she was a mirror reflecting back everything she saw in me and I ran because I didn’t want to believe it, I was too scared to invest in someone for them to just leave me again. I said my behaviour was despicable and I acknowledged she didn’t deserve to be caught up in the crossfire of the overspill of hurt and pain from my past.

I could see the sadness in the eyes, I could see her trying to bite down her lip to not let any tears fall. She said she wasn’t my ex. She said she didn’t deserve any comparisons in any shape or form. She was her own person with her own merits and values. She said she was someone who I had deliberately pushed away and projected onto because I was scared that someone actually accepted me.

Seeing her again in flesh was difficult more hard then I ever thought, I felt everything from wanting to touch her like I once did to wanting the ground to swallow me up when she explained how much I hurt her.

I told her I wanted her to unleash all the pain she had locked up and had been so kind to not reveal out of fear it would set me back. I wanted to know how I made her feel and I wanted to make amends in any way I could.

She said she never once saw me with pity, she saw that exact pain in me and being who she was instinctively wanted to help, she said it was feeling someone’s pain not pitying them. She said that’s what made us grow closer that emotional connection that wanting to tell each other who we really were. She said she wanted to support me because she valued me.

She said she liked my humour, my passion for music, my softer side etc and was able to see beyond the bad habits. However with every breakthrough I’d then put up another wall. She said she had always believed there was something special in the way we connected.

She commented that as time went on she felt taken for granted, was not going to tolerate me expressing such contempt and toying with her feelings. She said I told her I didn’t want to be with her but then felt it was alright to then reap the benefits of what she offered. She had always known she deserved better but made allowances because she recognised I was still healing. She said if we had met at another time maybe the goodness she saw could have been at the forefront and given her what she deserved.

She said initially she was relieved to not be exhausted by trying to show me she liked me for me. Then after the last contact it really hurt her and made her question if i had just used her all along especially when I told her I had moved on so quickly. It just appeared as if all along I had been taking advantage of her emotional support, she meant absolutely nothing and I had viewed her like a shiny new toy you discard when bored. She felt disrespected. She felt foolish.

She said my desire for her had made her feel ugly, not wanted. She said she didn’t sleep with me not because she wasn’t attracted or that I wasn’t enough. She had old fashioned beliefs and she said it may sound stupid but there were plenty of men who wanted her outer beauty but she had so badly believed I’d appreciate her soul but with time it became obvious I had refused to nurture a relationship with someone who valued me and I had failed to value and respect her.

The hardest part for her was that she was incapable of stopping herself from caring. She wanted to stop because of the way I treated her. But she couldn’t and over the months she just made peace with not beating herself up for being a good person.

She said she had moved on and accepted it was another chapter in her life. She had always hoped that I’d prove her right. That what she saw in me was true but even if I hadn’t she was at peace.

She said the fact I had reflected on my actions and had taken accountability like a true man was deeply appreciated, the gesture meant more than she could express.

PI mentioned Golden and how it reminded me of her and she laughed that I had definitely grown for the better in the past 10 months if I can appreciate Harry’s tunes!

I told her I never ever wanted her to lose that golden heart and I’m glad she still had the same outlook on life and I was deeply sorry for sucking her into my darkness.

I told her I just felt scared to death if I let her in that she would have seen that I’m just a fake. But the irony is she already saw beyond my facade.

I told her I’ve learned to stop taking the easy way out and blaming my problems or behaviour on my past or experiences. I had stopped the fear of it’s never enough. Yes, the pain was buried so deep inside of me but I was choosing it to be, I was the one making the poor choices. I was tired of using people to “heal the pain” and I was sorry she got hurt, the one person who saw me and accepted. I had started to accept me as I am and didn’t want to refresh my self-image with each new person to try and chase that unfillable void of being enough.

I told her initially I did desire her sexually because she was beautiful, but I also felt us getting closer and had started revealing things I’d never would normally talk about and I too now saw how special that connection was. I told her that in the beginning I wanted to do well but I ended up reverting to my bad habits. That the pain i caused her was inevitable because I wasn’t self aware and it was my fault, no reflection on her or her worth. She was the most beautiful person I met inside and out.

She said she didn’t feel the need to go over it further, she appreciated the self-reflection hoped that I had put the bad habits from the past to bed and she’s glad I took responsibility.

There were tears but I tried my best to not shift focus on me because I was grateful she had given me the chance to meet her and say it all.

I could see she was also happy, focusing on herself. She said being with me had just confirmed what she wanted if the next time she was to spend a lot of emotional effort and investment on somebody. She knew she was at a stage in her life she would only date to marry and didn’t want to get caught up in lockdown romances which were just talking stages with purpose to time pass. So I jokingly said you’re single and ready to mingle then? She just grinned.

Even though much of it was intense conversation, the chemistry was insane. I briefly told her I had been doing thinking of my own on relationships. I wanted someone mature and able to express their feelings. It meant expressing mine finally and growing the heck up and today it was to tell her I had not given her what she deserved. Because relationships are truly give and take, and I was broken and all I did was take. I hope today I had done some giving.

On the return journey for five minutes or so we both just sat in silence. She kind of leaned her head on my shoulder. I wanted to freeze the moment. When we got off onto the main concourse there was a beautiful Tree of Hope with a mini carousel saying  EL&N Wonderland she stopped and said remember Winter Wonderland last year and we got stuck at the top of the ride, she giggled and said that was good fun and seeing her spirit in person remembering how the smallest thing made her light up made me yearn for her even though she was right in front of me.

She gave me a hug, she felt so warm but just like that she was gone. We spent 2 or so hours together but I don’t know if I am reading too much into it or romantasizing it but where we ended up meeting, some of the moments; jumping onto the train, the tree of HOPE, the comment on Wonderland it felt special. It felt like it was meant, just like her crossing my path all those months ago. P

I don’t know where to go from here, I wanted to give her the space to release it all and be in peace. I think she gave most of it to herself already, that’s the difference I guess with knowing who you are and what you deserve. I didn’t push for a reunion but left a few hints. What do you all think?

I haven’t texted her anything. She hasn’t either yet. A lot of painful stuff was said but I so feel lighter and I do think it will go a long way for her too.

@Sammy mate,  if you need someone to talk to I’d like to offer a listening ear. I’ll try my best to not remind you of your ex or refreshen any pain.

Try not to misuse alcohol, it’s not worth it. You said to me dont live in fear. You need to not be scared too, sometimes being alone can be the most productive. It made me reflect on what or who I am. What I need to change within me.

Don’t think of no response as if no one cares. I have appreciated your advice, straight talking and guidance equally as the insight shared by @Kkasxo and @Shelbyville. So thanks mate 👍

@Shelbyville

Thank you mate for your response. I’m not sold on this journey mate thing. She was rare man, I feel personally that’s just what we tell ourselves to protect ourselves from experiencing potential loss again or being rejected. I accept there is a high likelihood ‘B’ will reject me. However, I want to give it that chance I never did because I was scared. To really make a breakthrough is to risk it. I’ve lost her already now I have only to gain.

I know you’re probably thinking because I hurt her in the way I treated her she will have evolved presumably to not be treated like that again. Thing is I never will treat her like I did, ever. If what you say is true I am all those things she saw in me already then if I put the effort in I can prove I’ve changed to be better. I can shine. If she was able to see past my flaws when even I couldn’t it proves the depth of her heart, the kindness of her soul. She has the ability to see things with goodness. I have no intention of playing on that but I will be authentic and sincere. If she decides to give me that chance I will most definitely not be foolish to screw it up again. If I’m rejected then I wish her nothing but happiness and hope my sincere apology in person gave her peace and at least let’s her know and feel how she wasn’t insignificant but played a pivotal role in bringing me out of darkness and made me want to be, do better. There are not many people who bring that out of you without trying to benefit.

It’s been 10 months and I’ve already grown and the reflection about ‘B’ asking myself about her inner beauty. I said before desire and my immaturity got me caught up with only seeing her outer and only focusing on the lack of advancement in the physical side which made me butthurt.

‘B’ saw I was worthy. I was valuable etc she accepted me before I accepted myself. She cared for me, she encouraged growth, she was funny and so much more. She had abundant of qualities you want in a partner when your bones are old and worn. When I embraced her I’d feel her warmth radiate.

I don’t want her to be just my journey mate. I want to fight for the right person. Not the likes of A who cheated or the ones who made me feel status quo.

I will keep you updated. Thanks for looking out for me. I guage you are trying to possibly protect me and I know 95% she would never hate me but may not want me in her life but that 5% for me she is worth and deserves to be fought for and I was the dick who reduced those odds by realising too late but if maybe I had tried too soon she would know I’d not done much work. I fought to dissociate from her, i fought to suppress my feelings for her,  i fought to convince myself she deserved better etc. I take full accountability and now it’s time to fight for her.

Danny