This girl I’d been torn over a couple of months ago popped back up last night (this was three weeks ago) on Snapchat. She had removed me or deleted her own account or whatever, because somehow I just got a random notification saying “(Girl) has accepted your request” even though I hadn’t sent one.

It was of course, a bit of a surprise. Very soon after, she then put a cryptic quote on her story that said ” If you understand how frequently people cope by projecting, you would learn to take absolutely nothing personally” and this was 100% posted for my attention.

I then looked at “projecting” a bit, and I have to say it’s an interesting psychological theory / concept. One I’ll look into further, for personal interest. It could be much bigger than we realise, since it’s generally unconscious. Deep shit.

So after last weekend, me and my coquette lady who broke my heart planned to spend next Friday together, (tonight). I was excited about it all week and we texted a few times during the week. She affirmed yesterday she was still free Friday and I said cool tell me what time you’d like me to come and collect you. Then this afternoon she told me she was meeting her cousin for dinner and she could meet me afterwards (she meets this cousin almost every time she’s free).

The thing is, she never met me tonight, and it annoyed me more than I care to admit. This isn’t the first time she’d met this cousin and was supposed to meet up with me but didn’t. I’m thinking, why would you say “I’m free Friday” when it seems I wasn’t set to be your first priority that evening?

The main reason I’m expressing this is because, here I am, after spending one night together a week ago after a 5 month hiatus, allowing myself to become emotional about this girl. I haven’t figured out why this feeling arose, but it could be one of, or a multitude of, quite a few things…

First off, I’m definitely annoyed that it was supposed to be a date and then all of a sudden someone else takes priority.

I could be jealous that she chose to spend all night with her cousin instead of eventually coming to meet me.

I might be irritated that I have experienced this before with her and it’s happened again.

It could be that I’ve felt and expelled heartbreak over this girl already and here I am feeling annoyed with her again.

Perhaps all of the above.

Maybe I’m overthinking, but I can’t help but wonder if this is all part of some long-game where she’s sneaked back into my life then start playing the push pull game again? I guess I would find that out in the near future through how things go.

Ultimately, I’m happy to see her again, but I don’t want that to be at the cost of more hurt (actually, it seems I don’t care about the hurt). I’m strong as fuck, but with this girl, let’s say if she turned around and told me she fucked a guy last night, it would affect me intensely. So that must mean I love her or some shit right?

Life is interesting, that’s for sure.

The girl I met the other night was as loose as I am, and we did had sex right through to about 7am after getting p*ssed together.

Something interesting to note about the evening however, was that I found myself comparing her to the other girl I messed up with. This was new to me, I don’t recall ever thinking about someone else whilst I was with a girl, but in a way it kind of makes sense since she had been on my mind so much recently.

Whilst this girl was nice and talkative and bubbly, on a few occasions I couldn’t help imagining how much I wanted it to be the other girl sitting there, and how different they are. For me, the other girl oozes more sex appeal than most if not all other girls I’ve been with, in her persona, mannerisms and even her accent. I shouldn’t have took that sh*t for granted.

Even the sex, whilst it was fine, was nowhere near as good as with the other girl. The girl from the other night was even slightly prudish in some respects, although some of that’s most likely because she’s not long out of an 8 year relationship in which sex had probably become rather mundane. It was fine, but not the best I’ve ever had (that credit goes to the other girl).

I’ve got a feeling this could potentially be the case as I go through multiple more girls (I know that doesn’t sound very honourable but I don’t lie to or deceive anyone).

Despite all that, it was still the essential distraction I very much needed.

Anita,

Thank you so much you caring soul! I was thinking about you too actually, and your kind words and the quotes you shared with me.

She’s still on my mind but it’s been eased a little bit thanks to this new lady I’m talking to and have a first date with on Friday night. I know some might consider it too soon and all that, but I need this distraction, and I’m not going to deceive anyone.

I didn’t do the flowers thing, you were right.

I’ve basically just come on this time to express how I’m feeling. I am really feeling the burn right now. It’s heavy. I’m going to have to cry this out.

At this point I can’t even remember the last time I wasn’t thinking about this girl 24/7. She’s just there in my head, all the bloody time.

It has hit me quite hard in the last couple of days. I’m really feeling the burn of rejection and heartbreak.

But I’ve just discovered this term “Unrequited Love” last night, and now that I know what I’m suffering from, I think now I have a point from which I can start to rationalize it and try to make sense of all. Having discovered a name for what I’m experiencing seems to have alleviated the burn, at least for now.

Basically, my initial thoughts are, “ok, so this is an Unrequited Love, this is a chapter I’m going through, this is simply going to turn in to a story based on my first experience of this”

I downloaded some books that are apparently relative and helpful for heartbreak.. “The Alchemist” and “Tiny Beautiful Things” and I’m also reading The Art of Seduction.

I’m happy that I’ve found this term Unrequited Love to meditate on and explore.

It’s almost comical that I’m a qualified student of human behaviour yet I went and lead myself down the path of no return with this girl, despite me knowing better. My attraction and increasingly strengthening feelings for her came to the point where I made the mistakes I should not have made. My heart overruled my head.

Generally when people say they just don’t want to be serious with anyone right now, what they really mean is not with you. Harsh, but 99% of the time it’s true. I’ve even been the one saying this many times to various girls I was seeing, whilst the truth was that I’m always open if the right girl came along, but no-one is ever that honest in those circumstances now, are they.

I believe she’s almost certainly getting attention elsewhere. She’s a very attractive blonde so there’s no doubt about that. The last time we text was last Thursday when I asked if she was free on Friday night. She said she actually might be free that evening for a few hours. I told her cool let me know and I’ll come and collect you. She never got back to me. She was also free all weekend as her kids go to the father once a month. Meaning she was doing whatever with whoever, and it wasn’t me. It’s almost like she’s making it clear without saying anything.

Although we aren’t friends on Facebook, her relationship status has went from “single” to “no relationship info to show”.

I realised the other day that I haven’t actually seen her in 2 months. So I’ve obviously decided that as much as it hurts and I hate having to let go and move on from a girl when I feel so strongly about them, it needs to  be done. I will not contact her again. If she contacts me on Snapchat (our usual method) I won’t reciprocate, whereas I’d normally compliment her or whatever.

I decided at the turn of the month it’s gotta be total radio silence… Not to try and get a response or anything, just that there’s no point chasing anymore. It may make her come back some day, it may not, but I’m just gunna proceed with life regardless.

Just trying not to get spiritually angry with her at the minute. I sort of feel like “You little b*tch!”.. although that could maybe help me get over her

I don’t see any residual pain intensifying in fact I see it softening even more. In the last 6 years I’ve turned away from up to 10 potential relationships with girls. One of which, during 2018, I came to really regret, but she had moved on to someone else. I was too late.

This time I’ve been giving this a lot more consideration. I miss not being with her, and have even had butterflies on occasion when thinking about her (something I didn’t think you could get after 25 years old haha). I’m quite confident that the next time we meet, aside from any potential conversation, how we feel upon meeting and embracing, will tell all.

Happy New Year Anita