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EParticipantHi John, I think you should let her be. If you can’t be friends with her, then don’t. It’s too painful for me to be friends with one of my exes, as much as his happiness makes me happy, I still really miss him some days. Other days it doesn’t bother me as much. But do what’s right for you.
Take what you can from this situation. It sucks, it’s painful. Additionally– you loved her that deeply, you’ll be able to love someone else as deeply in the future. The question is why were you scared and why did you close yourself off in the first place– and will you be able to avoid doing that in the future to someone else?
Good luck
~EEParticipantHi rebuild101,
I too have been diagnosed with PTSD. Suggestions are EMDR therapy (really helped me) because it allowed for the reprocessing of memories with different feelings attached to them. So, it allows the thoughts to occur but I don’t have the same intense feelings that I had about the memories/thoughts when they do happen. I’ve learned that the thoughts will occur, but I don’t have to resist them or the feelings that they bring up. Unless those feelings are extremely self-destructive, which is when I will start reaching out to my support network. Luckily, that hasn’t happened for months now after beginning the therapy.
In the meantime, there are plenty of things to do. Hobbies, anything that brings you joy. For me– that’s crochet, painting, walking/hiking, yoga, and talking with people. If I’m stuck in my office, I have some coloring books to take a break with. Treat yourself like you would treat the very best friend you’ve ever had. Kristin Neff’s self compassion meditations (google them)– really helpful for working with difficult feelings as well.
I am sending you many hugs and positive thoughts today. Please keep us updated on your progress.
~E
EParticipantHi James, I’m so sorry for the losses you have gone through.
Have you thought about counseling/therapy? Speaking from experience, it has helped me get through my toughest time. I am already feeling better about myself and the world around me. If you feel like you’ve lost that spark for excitement of life itself, that might be an option. Also to consider, what was it about your life that you liked/loved/gave you that extra bit of wonder, before your partner left? Are you able to recreate it? Sometimes I am able to go outside and enjoy that morning coffee with the birds, sometimes I cry when I attempt it. But without judging either experience, sitting with both feelings, knowing that they could change in a heartbeat, and being able to be there for myself through all of it… Anyway, that’s what I’m trying to get at, and what may work for you.
Have you heard of the term, “Dark night of the soul”? It could be that this is where you feel stagnant, but are really being asked to turn inward again. The block feels real until you realize it isn’t there at all, and was never there, because the Source is infinite and always around us.
I hope that you find what you need, and that you are able to touch those depths again.
Peace, ~E
EParticipantHi Shelley, It’s possible that some things happen for a reason, and sometimes things just happen. It’s trite in hard times, but some of its how we deal with whatever is happening that makes us or breaks us. I have severe anxiety issues (ptsd related) to the past few years of my life, which included a breakup, a car wreck and an abusive caregiver who assaulted me. I don’t believe that the bad things happened for a reason (except maybe the breakup, but I’m learning to accept that the breakup was collateral damage in the wake of the abuse I had been receiving). I can’t blame myself for everything that’s happened, and even my own reactions are full of self-blame in some moments (ah, if I could have only made the right choices!!)
But– things work out the way they work out and then we deal with things as they are, with a focus on what you want to become or where you want to go in life. I would suggest listening to the little voice that telling you to “wait a minute” if you can and really think about things. It could be the Universe telling you this isn’t for you, but it could be you telling you this isn’t for you. You are already unhappy. Or it could be your body’s reaction to the stress, as Anita suggested.
Vertigo sounds really scary and I hope you are able to get through any other issues with it in the future. I don’t know what your situation is like, but if you need the job, I hope you are able to stick with it until you are able to get the position that you want.
Peace ~E
EParticipantM– I am SO SORRY to hear that. <3 I can’t believe how many people this affects. I “never thought it would be me,” but it was. And it’s far too many other people.
As for telling people, it’s more like, the more people I can tell about it, the less I have to worry about it being “my fault.” So seeking some sort of absolution. Which I can stop, because something in me knows that it isn’t my fault, but I do still blame myself for the fallout from it, from the assault to the broken relationship and feeling like a burden on my friends and family. Intellectually I know this to be NOT true, but some days it feels true. And it definitely felt true the other day.
I had a friend send me a “heart hug” about a month ago. I am sending one to you now.
EParticipantThank you Anita, I like this approach, it is the card analogy in practice 🙂
EParticipantI am so sorry to hear about that, Inky. I do know that feeling of shame and guilt. I know I am finding my own path to healing right now. Maybe I just expect the best of people, and when that doesn’t happen, I am disappointed and then ashamed of myself for expecting better. Which is yet another pot hole I struggle to stay out of.
I had thought that’s what I was doing, about not going “on and on about it, but frame it in a simple and direct way,” but apparently some people can’t handle it. So, that was another learning experience on top of everything else. If they are “worthy”– I am also struggling with this– how to decide who is worthy or not. That I get to choose who gets to be in my life. That I am the one that can at least control some of that, when I couldn’t control the assault or my own reactions to it.
I do hope that your own soul wounding experience heals.
EParticipantI keep hoping someone will feel that way about me. Thank you for sharing that 🙂
EParticipantThanks Anita, that is a great way of thinking about it. I have been looking to make those kinds of connections with people, I’ve described it as having my spidey-sense permanently turned on. I don’t make the ptsd a topic of conversation unless I feel like we are starting to spend more time together, so it’s not just anyone but people I would be romantically involved with (or potentially). People have described it to me like I’m holding a deck of cards– I don’t reveal my entire hand the first time I talk to someone, but reveal a card here, and then here, and then here.
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