Shelby, Kkasxo ,

So in terms of my breakup I will go into detail, I have been hesitant because I feel like by talking about it its real if that makes sense (for example, referring to him as an “ex” is weird and hits me with a wave of nostalgia, loss etc all at once).

I will split it up into sections as there is a lot of detail.

Background Context

I met him online and we have a big age gap which provoked concern, curiosity and a lot of drama which resulted in the relationship starting surrounded by stress and me defending someone who quite frankly I didn’t know any better than those questioning me because it was all new and fresh. However, I had never felt the way I did about him since my first ever boyfriend, he was a guy that I wanted to be with regardless of the cost and someone I wanted to experience a loving and long-term relationship with.

Our relationship started like a movie I “ran away” to be with him because it was love and I was so scared of losing him to someone else.

The Relationship

As a whole it was like any relationship, very up and down. We had more highs than lows though. However, the lows were out of control e.g unemployment etc.

Although I did not realise how external factors can affect a relationship and so I was upset and shocked that we weren’t I suppose in the Honeymoon phase etc and so I put pressure on myself and always felt like I needed to fix us when in reality we weren’t broken. This caused me to beat myself up if we hadnt been intimate properly and a lot of small things became massive in my head.

All my relationships before him had been “fun” and it was my first time being in a relationship where we were life partners who tackled issues together. Which was fine until at some point along the way I didnt see us as a team and I felt like my shortcomings were unfair on him, why did he have to go out with someone who never wants to go out and more descriptive language which in term perpetuated the idea that he didnt like me etc.

Leaving Reality and my trust

I would say things started going down hill around a year ago. I had a bad drug trip and the fact he could sympathise but didnt really understand made me feel completely alone. It was a mistake and essentially I fell over and my body couldnt deal with the adrenaline and the drug making me relaxed, so I ended up very paranoid and telling him I dont trust him. Which stayed with me because I had never ever felt or said that to him. In addition to this I ending up having a meltdown. In retrospect it was an experience that actually helped me in the longrun look within myself and decide to heal any emotional wounds i have (which is what im trying to do now).

So this experience lead me to experience awful floating anxiety, anger that I had put myself in that position and that if i hadnt met him that wouldve never happened (I realised that no one is to blame as it were but im just stating honestly how I felt at the time) and ultimately I felt like I could see the world in a new light and it made me feel very isolated.

To deal with it, in addition to therapy/eventually taking to a gp, I decided (I will warn that this is not a healthy way to deal with it in anyway) that things felt real when I experienced pain, so I decided that we should try an open relationship which ended up with me catching feelings for this guy who was a complete tool and so I became distressed and met my bf and broke it off with him.

That night I went to a mates but I was terrified that my bf would try to hurt himself and I felt worse not better as it were. I went back to him and tried to work at us over the summer.

But the same issues came up again, I had awful anxiety, I kept thinking about the other guy and I was unemployed/then found work but then stressed about work. All of this lead me to just breakdown one night after he came back from work, I couldnt even say why and I hated that I felt like I didnt have the energy to fix things/go to relationship therapy etc.

I left the relationship and he thought it was because I was anxious, that is a part of it, however, I felt like he has tried to be like “you did x because youre anxious” when really I did x because I felt like x,y,z which caused me to feel anxious.

In conclusion because Im not sure all this information was needed tbh, I broke up with him because I felt like I had become an anxious person and my issues were affecting the relationship to the point where I felt like I was becoming toxic.

The reason I am going through heartbreak is because I feel like I could fight for the relationship if I really tried. I hate that after years of issues that I dont feel like I have the energy in me for such a serious relationship, I need a break.

I didnt want to break up, I wanted a break (maybe 6 months or something) but he either does a relationship or friends.

Could this have been avoided? Yes, if we had communicated properly, maybe if I didnt resent the fact that I was the one that said iloveyou first and was so set on us getting married etc. But ultimately I feel like the stress of life just made me lose myself and Idk how I went from “lets get married” to “meh” in 6 months. Im devastated because we nearly had our happy ending, he had ordered an engagement ring yet I found that out on the night a few months ago where I broke up with him.

I think i’m healing quicker than I expected because I almost have subconsciously emotionally left the relationship before I ended it.

Currently I keep wanting to call him, go to therapy etc and work things out but I know that I would be doing it because I feel awful for hurting him and I know that if we are reunited then it has to be when I have learnt to live again and after ive worked on myself. But im also questioning the decision every day.

I hope this helps clarify things.

Kkasxo,

Blocking him will definitely help. I ended up calling my ex and sending him messages until my phone physically broke (I think it was a sign from the universe) so that meant I couldn’t contact him, I have written his number down in a notebook just in case I ever need it but I still don’t have a phone and now I have an ache to talk to him but every time I cannot full fill that ache its conditioning my brain to get rid of that instant emotional impulse.

It is understandable why you have thought about him because he was suppose to be there with you. I had the same feeling at a Placement talk at Uni because my boyfriends support aided me to get to where I am today and he was suppose to be the involved in this chapter of my life. Have you joined in conversations? My advise is try and get involved in a conversation about something you’re passionate about because then your mind will be consumed with excitement and adrenaline it won’t have time to dwell. But I understand it can be difficult, I personally zone out very easily if I am not in a social situation which captures my attention so I can understand it may be easy to dwell on things. Also as the environment is a wedding it will be difficult to not think about relationships and progression of a relationship, also consider that you may be tired which could be a contributing factor.

I will shed more light into my break up in a separate post in a moment (hope thats ok)

Hi there,

I have so much to add to the conversation, however I feel like i’m lagging behind a bit. I think we are healing and doing better than we all were previously because we all have made progress in terms of going out and socialising, starting to focus and actively exist without the other person in our lives and I believe we will definately be posting on here in a few months or weeks with new updates that we feel better.

Kkasxo – I believe that going to the wedding will be a huge win for how you’re feeling. I believe that you will have a wonderful time and it will instil that there is life beyond your last relationship and I think that will ease any pain you’re experiencing. This is just an opinion though based on the fact that I went out last night and I was physically shaking with anxiety before walking into the bar because my whole being was telling me to go home to my comfort zone, that I would end up crying like my last night out. However, with the help of friends and the determination to start to live for me again and have discussions about interests I had left in the past like films, art etc I didn’t end up talking about my ex at all, which was a huge step because I’ve felt like thats the only convo topic I’ve had for the past three weeks.

Shelby – In terms of your anxiety in the morning I would advise that when you wake up before your mind can even think about anything do some breathing exercises and tell yourself its a new day and its going to be a good day. I know that’s obvious but its so easy for our brains to think about thoughts that way on our minds. You could be experiencing the anxiety in the morning because you seem to be at a loss on how to spend your time and so you wake up and the whole day could feel daunting. It will get easier. One quote I can offer is “Instead of having a good day just tell yourself to have a day” if that is any help.

I feel like there were other topics I wanted to share my two-cents with however I am a bit fragile as I stayed out all night and I was still drunk this morning.

In terms of music I couldn’t listen to anything at first but once you hear a song that explains exactly how you are feeling it can reignite your appiette for it and before you know it your life is filled with music. The only way I am getting through the days at the moment is by constantly having background music on.

I am currently listening to Deaf Havana (Rituals Album), Kodaline (Politics of Living) and Lauv (I met you when I was 18). I would recommend you trying these albums out because they have helped me heal as the songs these artists produce just get to the core of an issue and I cannot rave about them any more.

I also have no plans for the weekend except university work but I am struggling to focus, so I may do some mathematics because that will consume my mind for hours. So maybe if you are stuck for something to do and find your mind wandering, try reading or a crossword, try going something thats a bit of a challenge and involved problem solving.

I will be more active on here this weekend because I am apprehensive about it as I find it difficult to also fill my time.

Also I talked to my ex even though I felt bad because I am then interrupting his healing time. However, it ended up being a constructive conversation and helped him as I gave more clarity on why I ended it, so that was good. Then today I have a slight urge to message him but as I have no reason to it is easier.

I hope this message makes sense, I just wanted to add to the convo but I am aware that my brain is running at 3% right now.

Shelby,

I’m happy to hear your anxiety wasn’t as bad today (: I’ve been to hell and back with anxiety so all the advice I can give is that when you do or if you have a panic attack remember it is a fight/flight reaction and the max amount of time it can last is 20 minutes. It is understandable why you had a little attack over your ex moving on to someone else. I am aware that a lot of that is most likely information you are already aware of.

Unrelated, but my breakup-buddie is sort of around, like they just cooked food then left with their boyfriend, so im on my own with my thoughts again (yay! *sarcasm*). I should add that that is completely fine for them, but if I’m getting any anxiety its not being helped by any abandonment issues I have (but thats for another day lol)

I have also been journalling, a lot of it has been short summaries, lists and a lot of “why have you done this?! arrghh!” written across the page haha

Hi Shelby,  I have a sort of breakup buddie, I live with someone who helped me this morning via text.

I’m on my 4th week and I do feel a little bit better. I distracted myself by drawing today which is something that REALLY helped and an activity I haven’t done for years.

Hi Kkasxo and Shelbyville,

I have felt such warmth reading your messages just to know that I am not alone in this whirlwind of wanting to call or message my ex.

I caved last night and regretted it this morning as I felt like I had not only set myself back but I have stunted his progress.

In my situation, I broke up with him and he doesn’t understand why I am upset because I broke it off. However, I feel like my world has collapsed and again, like both of you have mentioned its the little things that make you want to call them.

It’s strange not seeing someone who actually has some sort of interest in what you ate for lunch that day (for example).

I think I am going to draw up a chart called the “days you didn’t contact him” chart and so I can see a physical representation of my willpower.

It hits me on a night and last night I couldn’t sleep. I’ve even bought a soft toy to cuddle because I miss him. It’s so difficult because I was on good terms with his family, so not only do I want to message him but I keep wanting to call his mum and apologise. However, apologising won’t help.

We have both agreed that we’re either in a relationship or we’re strangers which is difficult. I wish I could tell him to wait for me like they do in the movies but it’s unfair on both of us. Although I feel like until the pain ends everything I do will be related to him e.g. If I do well at my education I know that he would be proud. I’m not sure if thats healthy but it’s strange doing things and then not being able to call him on my way home.

I believe that we will all push through this. I even did a pro/con list today of being single, it didn’t really help though. *sigh* I have also deleted his number so I am not tempted to call or message him.

I hope the cravings to communicate haven’t been too bad today for either of you.