Kkasxo,

You are right in everything you’ve said about my situation. Ultimately I think its fear that’s driving it.

I have found that I had a life external to the relationship when I met him but gradually I have become a homebody (which I always have been) however, it means I haven’t made an effort to do things without him. Partially, I want to do things with him and share the experience.

The distance will definitely help things. I do want to work on things. I agree though, I will sit down and look back at my older journal posts, this month has been overwhelming, it seems like so much has happened yet nothing has happened at the same time.

In terms of the ring, he said he wanted marriage etc and I knew he did but he just took so long to commit to the point that his brothers wife said to him half-jokingly but serious that if he didnt make a move soon I would get bored and give up. Its not a case of pressuring him into something he doesnt want, for a man who prides himself on saying hes all action rather than talk I didnt understand why he sat on it at the time. I now get that he needs to be 120% sure before making any of these decisions.

The ring was me saying why am I waiting for him to buy me a ring im buying my own damn ring. It’s also me giving the signal that I am interested in taking the next step.

The problem is all I wanted was him to talk about our wedding or engagement in a serious way. Because he wanted to propose but it wasnt personal to him, it was a proposal that was very rom-com but it didnt have his personal touch if that makes sense.

All I wanted at the time was for him to discuss it seriously.

Anyway, I’m now having old feelings come back as he has his ex over who isn’t in the best state and he isn’t exactly officially back with me. So that’s on my mind.

Going forward I’m going to work on my insecurities and building my confidence.

“Is it just the love, desperation and idea of being alone that’s pulling you back to him ” – I have pondered this as well but I came to the conclusion that if it was the worry of being alone I wouldn’t be living in another city. I am aware you are meaning more like emotional loneliness.

I think its strange because we started healing without each other, by the end of this month I have felt more at peace in myself and being able to be alone without spiralling into an overthinking mess. But I believe that is only because of routine, I was much worse when I was in limbo before uni started.

“he failed me in the biggest way possible.” – out of curiosity and I profusely apologise if you have mentioned this but, how did he fail you again?

“moment while it lasts because the next could look completely different! I’ve learnt that now.”- It’s awesome that you’ve learnt that from the experience. I think that is helping you now your ex has reached out. I also think that when he was on the lads holiday it distracted him from his emotions and now they’re hitting him.

– V

Kkasxo,

“it is always nice to find yourself fitting into jeans you thought you’d never get into again!” – Thank you for the gym advice, I will try it on Monday when my operation get back to a size 10 again starts.

“It’s actually different but nice to hear people who may relate to my ex. I have a friend who is a hopeless romantic but on the other hand very focused on her career and is quite money motivated. Her life goals too have gotten in the way of her relationships previously and she herself has admitted that although she knows the way she does things is wrong, she can’t seem to do them differently! And perhaps that is what my ex feels also..” – Ah, your friend sounds rather like myself. Although, one reason I am rather driven is because I have been told I wont succeed so many times and I have failed at many things so I am determined to reach my goals, although this has come to mean I have sacrificed my relationship. You see I am confident with relationships, I know how they work/to some degree how to improve them, so I have found that I have neglected it trying to do better in other areas of my life. I think your ex seems to have demands from a lot of people in his life including himself, sometimes I think you meet the right person but at the wrong time, like you said it would be better in your thirties and he agree (if I remember correctly).

“What are your current thoughts? Are you 100% in for the reconciliation? If so, I would say definitely go ahead with the weekend away! It’ll be nice to just spend some time together and get back to basics!” – I cannot say I am 100% in for the reconciliation right now, but I do think we need and have needed for some time a weekend away where neither of us are stressed. I suppose I think it will give us a new environment to see if the spark can come back. I think all I need is for him to show me he wants me, at the moment I feel like things have been a bit one sided but that could be the lack of communication.

As for me, I’m no different I guess to where I was when we last spoke. The only difference probably is that my ex now feels slightly more comfortable reaching out to me. He makes sure to tell me good morning and goodnight every day which surprisingly I find odd and I ignore.”

“Its taking me by surprise because a reconciliation with him was all I dreamt of UNTIL it actually happened and now I have no clue what to do with it, or if I even want it.” – This is interesting because I feel the same way with many things and to some degree its because as humans we are addicted to the chase of something, the thrill as it were then when we get something we were hoping for we are so surprised we got what we wanted we almost don’t want it anymore.

I had a similar reaction when in march my bf pulled out an engagement ring order leaflet,I had wanted marriage that when he actually went ahead with it I had lost interest and was happy we were just together.

The only thing that is bugging me currently is that this summer I was really worried about affording university and by moving back to my parents and gaining my mums approval as it were by breaking up with my bf she then gave me some of the money that has been sat in her name to give to me at 18.

There is a large part of me which is worried that I did all of this just for money, I can justify it and say in the long-run its helped me feel independent again, however, I feel like a rubbish person.

The last five years has been hard financially, health wise and with my personal relationship with my family. My mum has constantly been emotionally manipulative and when I ended up with health complications due to stress she and my dad couldve helped but she instead choose to push and pick at my life decisions. When I had a job it wasnt good enough and when I didnt have a job I was scrounging off my bf. Now I have access to this capital (however she is still giving it to me term by term) I feel like I have reclaimed something that others put money into to help me in the future.

Currently I just feel like I am lying to my bf because when I say love you I cant feel it like I used to and im lying to my family by being the person they want me to be, for example, ive been saying ive been going out loads when in reality this last month has been rather lonely and most nights ive spent on my own.

– V

• This reply was modified 6 years ago by Victoria.

Kkasxo,

“We differ in a sense that I could live in a flat share for the rest of my life if it meant that we were together, because everything makes more sense when you have someone to share all the ups and downs with your significant other. Whereas he is so focused on everything else and will not focus on building a life with someone.” – this really resonated with me, I must admit your ex sounds like me in some ways. I find that I have allowed making money, studying etc (striving for us to have a better quality of life as soon as possible so he can pay his debt off) get in the way of the simple fact that its nice to have someone to share the journey with.

“Work was hard today. I couldn’t really focus on anything if I’m honest. I’m not sure if depression is really surfacing now or if I’ve gone into some kind of autumn hibernation where I just want to eat and sleep. I’ve put on a couple of pounds in the last week or due to complete lack of activity bar leaving my house to get in my car and drive to work. So after contemplating for what felt like forever I convinced myself to go to the gym.” – You aren’t alone in wanting to hibernate, I bought a candy bowl and filled it with sweets…its already nearly empty and its been four days >.< (the aim was it would last at least a week and a bit).

May I ask what you do at the gym? I joined it yesterday because I have spent a lot of time overthinking, feeling down or studying and I think exercise would enhance my focus and improve my rather embarrassing physical health.

How has your day been?

Kkasxo,

“I was stronger in myself to withhold. I know better” – I think it’s familiarity with the person. I feel like we have all been distracting ourselves but if we feel like there’s unfinished business even if it’s just friendship it is difficult to let go and even if we know better we will talk to the person.

Even deleting his number I still wrote it down, just in case. Even though I know I should delete everything, but I don’t know where we stand so I’m not ready to do that.

– V

Hi RebirthandRestart2018,

“I’m slowly learning that it’s not healthy to “emotionally attach” myself to a man and pin my current and future “be all and end all” happiness on him.”  – I don’t know if this is relate-able but when I first got into my relationship my happiness came from him, he was someone in my life who made me happy but I didn’t think my happiness depended on him. I found that my happiness depended on him when I started having friendships break-down and felt isolated because he just got me. He saw me in every mood possible.

I have found since breaking up with him I have forced myself to meet people and start delving into old interests, but I seem to have an intense fear to embrace life again and feel at a loss when I want to do an activity which is enjoyable for more than one person. I have some friends at the moment but they aren’t really close friendships so I am finding myself at a loss and spending a lot of time doing things on my own, I like my own company but I am getting fed up of only sharing experiences with myself or telling others about an experience that they could’ve shared with me.

Self love seems to be a difficult journey as an adult, I felt like as a young child I was so sure in myself and had so much confidence in my abilities and now its just been torn down by others and now I doubt everything I do and my abilities.

Have you felt any better today? Were you friends with the person you pursued a romantic relationship with? Usually a strong friendship is a good foundation for long-term relationships?

– V

Hi Shelby,

” ‘nah, look it, you’re a highly sensitive woman who loved beyond measure a commitment phobe. You thought it could work and it didn’t, so naturally you’re devastated. You’ll be ok’. So we shall see.” – I love how honest and frank your therapist is (:

You will be ok and the anxiety will ease in time, I wish I was waking up early, I love it when it feels like you’re the only person awake and it’s just so relaxing.

– V