Dear Anita,

I cannot express how your last response echoed my exact thoughts. I have ended things again, and for good because I am not messing him around anymore. I have already inflicted pain I never wanted to inflict on him.

I am taking steps to heal e.g. making sure I set aside “down time” alongside being productive. All worrying given me is medical and mental health issues, so I am making sure I find a routine and lifestyle that aids the best version of myself.

My mother is still giving me the silent treatment due to me getting back together with my ex. At this point I am done playing these mind games and even though in the back of my mind I am a bit worried, I am aware she has a phone and has decided not to get in touch. So for now I am enjoying not being criticised or having to defend my life choices.

In terms of my ex, I love him and always will do, but as hard as it is for me I need to put myself first and become stronger, defeat the overthinking and paranoia, which is most likely caused by stress. I have asked him if we can be friends, I did not see the point in saying anything massively heartfelt because he’s practical and will just be like “if you love me why are you leaving me!?” , so I have just chosen the option which gives him time to heal but also so I don’t completely loose him.

Today I have busied myself but I have also been worrying about him, is he okay? have I caused him to spiral out of control?! how could I hurt someone so much?

The worst part is I broke things off via text, because I felt like every-time I tried to do it over the phone the words wouldn’t come out right. As for myself, I am feeling rather lost, although I got what I ultimately wanted which was complete control over my life. It seems as though that it rather lonely.

I am sure I will survive, I have been through worse, I just feel like I have ruined someones life. Is that too dramatic?

How are you doing? Have you got any plans for this weekend?

– V

Dear Anita,

Thank you for sharing your experiences with your own mother, that sounds terrible and I am happy that you survived such abuse against you! In response to me raising my anxiety with my own mother she has turned around and jokingly gone “what do you think I am going to murder you?!”, yes I am aware she is unaware that my mind is dark enough to silently answer yes in the darkness of the night at three in the morning.

I have recently reunited with my ex and told my mum, whose response has resulted in the silent treatment and accusations. I have come to realise that she is not a threat in terms of physically harming me anymore as she does not know where I live and I do not believe she will do that because she has the power of emotional abuse.

The sad part is she isn’t even aware of it. But I have realised that she may be a narcissist, not that you should diagnose others but her actions fit the traits. However this has then lead me to question if I too am a narcissist.

Things have unfortunately fallen apart again, I have spent the last few days anxious because I feel like I have lost my family and my boyfriend all in one. My boyfriend says that he understands and sees my frets and worries about our relationship being linked to anxiety. However, I have started to wonder if it is OCD as it seems to be an onset of a reoccurring thought that sends me into fight-or-flight. But I am not a psychologist and I am also aware that a lot of symptoms overlap.

I have found that I am conflicted. Part of me wants to walk away from the relationship because it has so much baggage around it which is difficult to just shrug off but I can’t bear the thought of him not being in my life, its almost as if I am saying I want to leave you yet I then get a wave of feeling abandoned,even though I made the decision?

Every-time I seem to explain how I am feeling or what I want, it doesn’t come out right and I am just left wondering how we even got to this point. How can I just give up on someone and something that has given me so much joy before. I wish I could say to him let me just have therapy then we will be okay, but I don’t have a crystal ball. Also deep down I know that I need some space to grow, to know that I am okay as an individual, I was okay before this relationship but now I am full of so much fear.

Is there a solid way I can explain that I don’t want to be friendzoned, but I don’t want a romantic relationship right now? Without feeling like a horrible person or mainly believing that when he tells me he understands that I believe him.

– V

Dear Kkasxo,

Thank you for explaining your side of things and why me standing up to my parents about my bf is important to him. I sort of understood his side I just thought well I have stood up for him the last x amount of years, why does he need me to do it again. However, that was ignorance on my part really.

I will join the other forum again and see if you have put an update about your second appointment. I hope it went well! I have been reading the forum now and again, although this week I have been physically and mentally in a bad place so I though I would come back when I have the ability to absorb information properly and reply with heartfelt responses.

I am happy to hear that your ex would like to reconcile though (: Hopefully things will get better. One thing I am ensuring is that I am very careful about how much time I am spending with my ex because I don’t want the same issues to just rush back and I would like to feel like something has changed. In our case it is mainly communication.

“In a sense I am waiting for him to do this again maybe? So perhaps being upfront and honest with everyone about his intention to reconcile with me gives me hope that he won’t?” –  I believe that your counselling will help with this and possibly pin point what made the relationship breakdown. Would he consider couples counselling? Or is it too early days for that? I have told my partner that I would like at least one or two sessions with some kind of relationship expert when things are good again to help us discuss our relationship with an outsiders perspective, I just need reassurance for some reason. My partner has also stated to me that I need faith, or we both do, that we will work out okay.

Talk to you in the other forum in a bit, thank you for writing on here (:

– V

Dear Anita,

that’s okay (: I awoke this morning feeling rather down but managed to get a shower, so I think the emotional rollercoaster has nearly come to an end. However, one key thing that’s been on my mind is that one reason I was hesitant to try again with my bf is because he, along with my mum are part of a chapter in my life where I wasn’t the best version of myself, lacking in confidence and more susceptible to put up with emotional abuse. But it was my bf who has helped me become a better version.

However, I broke up with him because I felt all this stress around our relationship because of the tension that was still there which was coming from my mum disliking him. The logical thing to do would be cut ties with my family and for my bf to be my family as it were. I tried this a little bit but then I felt overwhelmed and like I only had one person I could count on in the whole world and my mind spiralled into worrying that I wouldn’t cope without them etc So my action of dumping him was part of a cross-fire of me just wanting a new start.

Now I feel like due to this ultimatum I have rushed back into things and even though I do not mind this on one hand, the rushing is bringing a lot of stress back into the back of my mind.

Part of me feels like I would be better off with none of them in my life, but that is unfair on someone who loves me deeply and also it would be denying myself happiness.

I have a concert this weekend which is my first opportunity to do something out of my comfort zone and should remind myself I can do stuff without relying on others. This is something that is important for me to learn as I have never had a lot of friends and therefore I dont want to feel reliant on others, also my younger self was brave and would do what she wanted, I’m trying to get back to that person rather than being sad, anxious and wanting to hide from the world.

– V

Dear Anita,

I apologise for my silence, it has just taken me a bit of time to digest your words of wisdom and act upon them. Then after I acted I just needed some time to be in the present and reflect on the events that have unfolded.

So the first thing that has changed since your last reply is that when I went to my parents I stayed over and I was anxious, at least at nighttime in which I did end up putting a chair up against my bedroom door. It was just a weekend stay and I admitted that I dont feel safe there, even if my parents motives are just to love me the trust has been broken and I cannot help but feel uneasy on a night there, so I stayed at a friends on one of the nights but could not stay there on the second and basically I had no excuse for not staying over (I don’t want to let on that i’m nervous as I have done previously and it resulted in my mum taking it personally then invalidating my feelings).

So the weekend was okay, as a family unit I believe that we do get on and my brother was there (who I do not get on with and is rather similar to my mum) who helped me with a form I needed to fill in for Uni (but only because he wanted to put on a mask in front of my parents as being this nice and caring individual as since that weekend he has not answered any of my emails that discussed the form or anything else).

However, there were comments from my mum that alluded to the same old same stuff, but as she believed the guy she hates was out of my life it wasnt as bad.

Now in terms of my ex, we have decided to give it another go because I have realised that my actions of ending and how I ended things was driven by fear – fear of failure, fear of success and ultimately fear of the unknown, and the untrusting thoughts my brain seems to have conjured up in the last six months, which I mainly believe are due from high periods of anxiety and a lack of communication so I feel trapped, then I feel like I cant breathe, my brain then gives me a reason to leave and then I hit eject and leave.

So, this seems all nice and dandy, family seem okay and I’m deciding to work things through with a relationship rather than run as soon as it gets serious. But, oh that would be all too easy.

My ex was rather “off” as he would only only reply with two x’s and just would say iloveyou but it just didnt feel heartfelt, and I know I pushed him away but I need to know he wants me, because one of our issues in the last 6 months was that I felt like he didnt want me.

So I pushed him about it and he informed me that to be official again he wants me to tell my parents about us. Which instantly I was rather furious about, I was trying to avoid feeling like I was choosing between my family and my boyfriend. Now I feel like I am stuck at square one. I also do not take kindly to ultimatums. But I know he only wanted that because he wants me to show him that I will “fight for him”, even though I think he is missing the point that I am so tired of fighting. I just want some kind of compromise and this anxiety around my relationship/my family’s approval (that I never wanted in the first place) to go away as its been five years and we are still no further forward.

So last friday (it was thursday night he gave me the choice) I called my parents and I just said, we are trying again, I am not looking for your approval I just wanted you to know. Now my dad agreed and was rather chill. My mum on the other hand accused me of being deceitful and tried to demand that she come down to where I live and we talk about it. Which she has done before and I ended up in tears. So I told her I have friends to talk to, I don’t need to talk to her about a man she hates, as 1.) that is illogical 2.) I know her game (she’s nice for about 10 mins , then the insults start , then she mentions something that makes me get upset, then somehow I end up apologising). I am tired of this repetitive cycle.

My only issue now is I feel like I am stuck at square one. That I only have my boyfriend, that my parents are going to stop financially helping me (which I only care about because even though I know that I dont need there money it does reduce my stress levels that are already high) and now I have a weekend coming up where they have arranged for me to stay in the same hotel room and I know I will be worried that my mum will try and murder me or something scary just because I have chosen to go back to a guy who makes me happy.

How can a mum not want her child to be happy ?

I didn’t agree with the ultimatum because now my anxiety about his safety and my safety has crept in again. On a rational level I’m aware I will most likely be okay, but the fear is real and when someone got so upset about who I am dating that they attacked me gives me a reason to be unsure. I may just look and see if I can get a separate room.

Sorry for the ramble,

things have calmed down with Uni so I will be on here more often. Although I got a bit too involved and it made me feel a bit emotionally spent.

How are you doing?

– Victoria

Morning Anita,

The present version of me cannot trust her. I also frequently forget all the things she has done to hurt me and cause me issues. However, at times I do find that I go back to trusting her briefly, its almost like a nostalgic type of trust. For example, this weekend I need to stay over and in that moment I am going to need this nostalgic trust to get through the night without feeling too anxious.

With my current situation with my ex I have come to the realisation that me breaking up, moving out etc has been a survival technique so I’m in the best position for myself. The problem is to get there I had to hurt someone I deeply care about. I’m not saying this was conscious though, kind of a drive in the background that was driving my feelings at the time. How do I know if I have gained his trust completely? I feel like if I can gain his trust I will slowly trust him in return. I should add tho these trust issues with him only exist at 1am and therefore, they are rather irrational.

– V