Kkasxo,

I am happy to hear that you aren’t as fearful this evening (: I do find it strange that someone can be in your life and then within hours, days or weeks they aren’t there anymore. I think I too am struggling with the idea of my ex not being in my life hence why I still reach out to him, even though I was doing well (2 weeks since I left him) because I cannot believe that we really went from talking everyday and x’s to no contact.

The fact that you don’t believe his words shows that you have regained belief and power, I suppose control again- are you finding that your emotions and possible anxiety has balanced at all?

The fact it has just been the new year gave me a starting point, hence why I believe I am doing better than I was last March when I initially broke up with him…woah, I just realised that we have been in this on and off roller-coaster for nearly a year now :O

Congratulations on the three week mark though (:

I am feeling out of sorts since our contact over the past 24 hours, but I know that my responses were when I couldn’t sleep or basically secondary to whatever I was doing at the time.

Thank you for replying (:

– V

Evening,

“Like Dory says in Finding Nemo….just keep swimming….just keep swimming…” I shall write this on my whiteboard it really is something I need reminding of. I have exchanged a few emails with my ex and he informs me he is going on a night out and in the same night I have had my mum drill into me that I am problematic once again *sigh*. The contact with my ex has made me feel a bit down that I am staying in tonight, until I remember I want to stay in as its cold outside. But you see he is going out with a group, one of the girls is his ex, and I am sat here realising that I am glad we aren’t in a romantic relationship because I am instantly jealous. I am doing okay at the moment, I am applying to jobs, volunteer work – anything that will make me more hopeful for the future as my ex was my future, damn, if I had accepted his proposal or seriousness about marriage I could’ve been planning a wedding! I have recently found that the whole of last year I was in a state of disassociation, nothing felt like reality, I someone survived it and looking back on the year I can barely recall any of it.

@Kkasxo – in terms of your ex that sounds familiar to myself with my ex before Christmas. I was in a state of fear, what would I do without him? All he wanted was for me to actively work on my anxiety? Is he the best I will ever have/date? , these feelings are valid, however, being with someone out of fear is not healthy, even if it is comforting. I would advise him to seek out who he is, not who he is to his family, just so if he does want to seriously try again it is without bias or fear. Also, going off recent events for myself, once the person who is fearful gets over the fear they may leave again. My advice would be to stay in loose contact if you want to, because you were a big part of his life and even if its a “how are you?” message every 6 months then you both can possibly try again in the future, however, by then you yourself may have moved onto someone who has a mortgage or has similar life goals with you.

@Shelbyville – How are you feeling tonight?

– V

• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Victoria.

Hello Kkasxo and Shelbyville,

I have been absent from this forum for around a month, I apologise for this. On one hand this forum was helping but reading relate-able posts at times made me feel the emotions even worse. Now I thought I would give you all an update.

I went back to my ex’s over Christmas and to try to work things out. The first few days was amazing I initiated sex and was invested. The second week was dedicated to seeing others and we had a lot of nights where we ended in a routine and didn’t have sex. The third week we worked on one of my projects together and we didn’t do anything, because of stress and like he said it was rather business like.

Now I told myself before I went back that we would be okay if my anxiety wasn’t that bad. Again, I was fine when I got back and then as the weeks went on it deteriorated.

So it was obvious he wanted to be intimate in the last few days I was there and I was avoiding it, I blurted out to him “I dont want sex with you”, harsh and blunt I am aware. It came out it the worst way I could possibly imagine. It was rather awkward. So I left to get some space because I was so angry and embarrassed at myself. Whilst I was out I venting to a mutual friend. The friend I was a wolf in lambs clothing and instantly told my boyfriend everything I had said to her, which I was angry about because her version was a pent up ramble in a Supermarket, therefore I did not stand by a lot of what I said to her, the conversation was a lot of sound bites put together.

So that night I told him to go on the night out with the mutual friend, I didnt want anymore awkwardness than there already was and I knew that I had hurt him and I wasn’t in the right headspace to have a proper conversation.

Now I should add that he told me we would have a proper sit down chat about our relationship and we both kept avoiding it, hence why I kind of exploded.

So it came to the last day, we had that chat. It is rather frustrating that my communication with him has become so broken, I used to be able to say whatever I wanted without the fear of judgement.

Anyhow, I expressed to him that I don’t want to continue to try and work things out because even though I love him deeply my anxiety has not gone away and nor has my insecurity.

Whilst I was there he was constantly on whatsapp and everytime his phone pinged my brain just told me “omg he’s cheating on me right in front of me!”, he was keeping his options open as it were in front of me. Now I did try to combat this with rational thinking but it was a feeling that was still there.

So it has been a week and what a week it has been. A blur of stress and preparation because I got the news that I have a placement interview on Monday (tomorrow).

I have done so much preparation for this but as I spoke to our mutual friend (another one) last night about him and the fact that he has ignored my texts and email he is on my mind.

I have been watching tarot card readings for my star sign and they have really helped but I just wish he would reach out. But he hasn’t done.

He did the other week because he wanted to know how one of my exams had gone although we ended up having a phone call about it.

I know that he most likely gaming or been out with friends to keep himself preoccupied and I am happy he hasnt messaged me because I want both of us to be strong. But it is rather strange going from texting a lot to not at all.

You see I hope this placement interview is a success because it isn’t just a job it is freedom. The opportunity to stand on my own two feet. I guess I have been busy since I got back and this is the first night I have started processing things.

On top of this I saw my mum and due to her ability to trick me into thinking she is my ally I confessed about the other guy I had seen and the glee in her voice was sickening.

So I am currently keeping my distance as she has started to be rather controlling and she has just been awful towards me.

Then on top of this I have had my housemate picking at little things which caused me to feel on edge until she left the house. Very similar behaviour to how my mum acts and makes me feel.

I was wound up by this and made an accident on an application to the BBC, then I had to email them and I am praying they are nice about it and let me redo that part of the application.

Right now, I just feel like I am so close to success I cannot allow any distractions, especially emotional ones as they go around in my head. For example, I have spent a lot of this evening thinking he is ignoring me, is he okay etc.

I am happy this forum exists because even though I could write this in my diary there is no reply or feedback.

I believe that I do not have anything more to add aside from the fact that even though I am on a high atm in terms of motivation I am waiting for the fall as it were so I will be seeking counselling this coming week and I am going to go and meet new people.

I know that this will pass, I must admit the ability that I am in control of my destiny does not scare me like it did before, instead I feel excited.

Thank you for reading this and I will be on here a little bit more,  to be blurting all my feelings out on an online forum is a bit foreign, I have shyed away from it at times even though it does help.

I shall go back a few pages…I think about 10 haha..and catch up on what has been happening in your lives.

– V

Good Evening,

I went to pick some Christmas wrapping up today, which somehow took three hours! I just wasn’t in the mood and just felt sad looking at all the happy families and couples. I know that deep down in my heart I need this time to myself, but I am feeling rather isolated, but I can’t really complain because it’s my own fault.

My ex’s brothers wife, asked me over for Christmas, which is thoughtful but then what would be the point if I’m not getting back with my ex. I actually caved a few days ago at around 11pm and called him, he said he doesn’t mind if I message him to ask how he is etc, which is fine but it is frustrating me how black and white everything is.

It is frustrating me that he wanted me to “fight for us” yet when I break up with him his only response is “okay, its shit, but I cant do anything about it”. But its wrong because he could send me a card that has a heartfelt message in it, he could do loads of things, because I just wanted him to show me in a romantic manner that he loves me as much as he did when we started going out. There’s nothing sadder than being in a relationship and feeling lonely, or like you are being over-dramatic.

Sorry for ranting, I am just going through a tough patch of sleeping (feeling guilty for missing uni) and any plans I make, I end up cancelling them. I feel like I was doing uni etc for “us”, which I suppose it unhealthy and of course I am studying this course for myself but it was part of a collective goal.

I hope both of you had a better day than I did and things are looking up (: I am going to respond on a daily basis now as I am finding it difficult to respond to like a page or two of messages (it shouldn’t really be that difficult but I think its because I keep coming on here when I am feeling emotionally drained or tired).

– V

Dear Kkasxo,

In terms of my mum, she has caused this divide and issue herself. Time and time again she has attacked me for my life choices, purposely upset me and even though there is a part of me that wants to reconcile that part of me is small because she has hurt me a lot and the worst part is she doesn’t recognise this, and even if there is a part of her that does she will never sincerely apologise. It has taken me five years of trying to fix things and ultimately, it is a vicious cycle that needs to be broken because I question myself enough, I do not appreciate other people doing it as well.

I am on a journey to surround myself with people who actually like me and who do not want to pick me apart to boost their own messed up ego. However, due to the baggage from this relationship it may take a while, at this point I would just like to feel content and hope this anxiety will die down in time, the more I do things that really speak to me and manage stress the more I will find that I will feel okay again.

In terms of my ex, I just hope he is doing okay and I am sad that I hurt him so much. I am in a bit of a place where I don’t think I can trust myself to tell anyone ever again that I love them and part of me doesn’t believe I will love anyone in the same way. But I felt like we needed to do our own thing for a while, if we reconnect in the future then that would be fantastic and I will hopefully be in a better place.

Today I actually dyed my hair a colour that makes me feel like “me” again, joined an exercise group (which I am going to force myself to go to even if I’m tired/nervous) and had a productive day.

An exercise I thought we could all do (@shelbyville) is a vision board, I know I’m not sure what I want to do in a week or in the next hour, but it might help us feel better and more focused on what we might want in 2019, I feel like all my plans with my ex have evaporated and I’m left piecing together what I can still do that was on the list on my own. Although I do get tired of spending so much time on my own.

– V

Hi Reina,

My advice would be to enjoy your own company and see others company as a bonus. For example, if you want to see a film, ask friends to go with you, if they aren’t interested go and see the film regardless. However, sometimes they may be interested.

I have been in the same boat and currently I am struggling to socialise/make friends, all I know is that if I show an interest in something or try to start topics that others would  be interested in I make friends. The key is to lower or have no expectations, because expectations ruin experiences.

The irony is that when you start focusing on yourself you will attract the right people into your life, the people who want to meet for a coffee etc.

If it becomes an issue talk to your friends about how you feel like you don’t hang out a lot and how you would like to spend more time together, or you could tell this to your younger sisters.

Our friendships change as you go through life so just try and spend time with people when you can and appreciate it for what it is. If you do that you may look back on, lets say 2019, and realise how much you did actually hang out with people.

I apologise if this was a massive ramble.

– V