Hi Liz,

you just described exactly the place I am in with this new guy I have met. I also met him online and proceeded to do a lot of things in person to try and minimise just messaging online or via text. In the short time we have known each other he has met my friends, briefly a family member, I have met some of his friends, travelled and gone camping with him.

It is very important for me to build trust, and the best way to do that is be in different situations together and see how each other acts. For example, I find that a lot of men act very true to themselves around their mates so I find it interesting to see if that version of him matches to how he is with me in private.

Good luck though and keep your faith (:

– V

Hi Kkasxo,

It took me about 10 months to get out of my comfort zone, so take as long as you need. However, the fact that you know that you would like to make changes is a start to actually taking action. However, sometimes you just need to make a decision in a robotic state and try to not get too emotionally involved then hopefully down the line you will realise the benefits of that decision.

It is normal to feel like you don’t know who you are after a relationship, I feel like a lot of people start off as themselves then end up becoming more like what they think their partner wants, even if its just in small ways. I would say just start off doing small things that you enjoy, like going for more walks or taking more photos or something.

– V

Evening Everyone,

I apologise for my absence again, I really need to start to be consistent again because you all keep me on track. I am afraid that this month I have emotionally relapsed, and I was doing SO well.

Firstly, with my ex we have barely really talked the past two weeks its just been comforting to know he’s there if I need him. However, a user on here pointed out that this was toxic and that I am stringing him along, which I can see where that point of view is coming from. Even though I partially agree with that, I still can’t help but hope. But in the past 24 hours it has come to my attention that he went on a night out with a girl I was rather insecure about and always had an off feeling about, he didn’t tell me until the next morning and well hiding things from someone, isn’t that a red flag of a toxic relationship?

You see it isn’t just the case that he is friends with her, I am not going to control who someone see’s, but I feel like they had a questionable relationship and in my opinion it was morally wrong and I decided it would be ok if he could just see my point of view and admit that he crossed a line. He said he was remorseful but also says he hasnt done anything wrong, which is infuriating. I am desperate to go into detail but its his business and I don’t know weather you trust me, but multiple women in my shoes would’ve walked out the door as soon as they heard about the relationship when it came up. It’s just the way it was just both of them and he insisted that they weren’t a couple etc when they went out. At first I convinced myself I was the one that was overthinking, but then I saw a couple-esque photo and it just sent me into a spiral of a sleepless night.

Now, I do feel like I am coming across as if im saying everything’s his fault, I acknowledge that I’m not perfect either but it just lead me to a spiral of thinking have I been that much of an awful girlfriend that I’ve pushed him into the arms of someone else!?

To add to this, he is also participating in a lifestyle that isn’t necessary in the context that he is attending events that well you can watch for free on your computer. I hope someone can read between the lines here and that is notorious for couples to go to. It was okay at first, but he has now stated he’s going to another event that is like a level-up from the last one and on top of this he hasn’t got the funds to do this.

You see couples who attend these events are secure, ideally, the women there know that their husband or boyfriend adores them whilst I am sat their feeling uncomfortable and like a piece of meat, if I’m being completely honest.

So emotionally I have relapsed but I am aware that I do not want to continue in this relationship and I am fully ready to accept that as fucking terrifying and upsetting it is to leave someone I cherish beyond words I don’t feel heard, respected and I don’t deserve to have anymore sleepless nights unless its the good kind.

In addition to all that, I had a relapse with my family. I have not spoken to them for a month and a half, they have cut me off out of the will, have barely helped with university and overly-criticised me but at 1am I just broke down crying cause I just wanted a hug from my mum, regardless of whats happened in the past and I just got so wrapped up that I am completely on my own, or feel like it, and that if I don’t speak to them at all one day I won’t get to.

So I rang them and apologised for being mean to them, we chatted and I genuinely felt better. However, instantly the next day my mum goes “can we have lunch?”, they live 2 1/2 hours away so I was a bit taken aback. I can’t allow myself to just ignore past issues so I need to develop boundaries that I will actually stick to.

Overall,  I feel like I have come along leaps and bounds in terms of feeling peace with not engaging in these relationships and now I feel as though I have gone back 1000 steps.

I will catch up on the thread now.

– V

Hello Everyone,

I have had a busy day so I have just been reading the forum tonight. I will right a more detailed reply tomorrow as right now I just wanted to get on here and express myself as I am finding it difficult to sleep tonight.

Today was a good day as I have thrown myself into uni work and attempting to socialise so I break my hinbernation mode I seem to have become so familliar with recently. Everything was going fine until I went to socialise with a group of individuals who were watching a movie. Now prior to spontaneously turning up I did not know what movie it was, turns out it was one my ex’s favourite and on top of that a lot of it was grusome and unpleasant with some triggers that made my anxiety increase.

After an event that momentarily made me feel happy and confident I had put myself out there and proved that its not as hard as my mind makes it out to be when I came home I felt shattered and hoped that it would mean I might get an early night.

However, all I have done is wondered if he is okay and just thought the worst of the worst. At the weekend all I could imagine was him with someone else. I am like @Kkasxo ex, I do not want a relationship with anyone right now.

Currently, I believe it stems from fear and lacking confidence, I need to find the parts I lost of myself and unfortunately my ex, due to a traumatic event that I did not seek help for until after six months of beating myself up about it meant that the relationship became stressful when before it had been my safe haven, it was why I knew I needed to end it for him just as much for myself. – sorry if I am repeating myself, just needed to add some context.

So this evening I can’t get comfy and I think I am allergic to my eyeliner so my eyes have been sensative to light which has not helped . I just wish he would reach out even if its just a “how are you”, because he is not active on social media so I can’t quickly check, even if he was posting kissing someone new at least I would know he was okay. Why do I feel this need to protect someone who is older and has looked after themselves long before they met me?

I may be at the anger/sad or just sad stage as I started trying to convince myself of all the flaws so I could justify my decision to end things and why he hasn’t contacted. It angers me because he knows im a worrier but at the same time it my emotions arent his responsibility and he doesn’t know I am wondering if he’s okay after a weekend of partying (what happens if he ended in a&e from drinking too much?, those kind of thoughts are whirring around my mind right now).

I’ve just felt on edge after that movie and he would be the person I would seek comfort from. The comfort I would give myself right now would be sleep but I have a headache from crying and I am too awake. You know the state where you can feel the physical tiredness but your brain won’t sync with your body. I might try meditation.

– V

• This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by Victoria.

Kkasxo,
I may try going online in a few weeks, possibly in my birthday month. It is crazy to think that it is nearly a year since I instigated a split from my boyfriend, which means I have put myself on this up/down rollercoaster for months for no good reason. I suppose its a life lesson to know when to walk away.

I used to believe I had boundaries and to some degree I did, but its almost with hurt and time they have been removed, or more likely my family have no respected my privacy and therefore I don’t know what healthy boundries are or at least I know what they are but I do not know how to stick to them.

Then on top of that I am not even sure of my own boundaries as some come with life experience, for example, due to sexual experiences I know what boundaries I have and will tell the person what I will tolerate and what I will not, but that has come with some trial and error, and situations that have not been respectful.

I went down the social media stalking rabbit hole earlier, my ex does not use social media much but as I knew who he was out with I looked at theres. I didn’t find anything useful, i’m not even sure what I was looking for. I think calling him my ex is becoming more familiar which is a start.

I thought we could be civil and at least maybe keep some sort of “how are you” like some couples do after they divorce, although I have found that is easy if the love had completely gone so maybe I will reframe from messaging him as it doesnt help. I remember that last time when it got to two weeks that, again, was the point I stared to miss him and want contact again.

I am trying to find the lesson at the moment, something positive to take away from it and possibly something I can take into future connections.

– V

Kkasxo, Shelbyville,

One last point I haven’t mentioned is that I have decluttered 80% of my possessions because so much reminds me of the last five years and I also have a theory that if the only thing I own is my Computer and clothing I may actually do more work as there’s less distractions.

My question is how, if you have, discarded the photographs or physical items your ex gifted you? I have made a five year scrapbook which was part of my grieving for the relationship but I have valentines/birthday cards alongside other items that he gifted me that are currently sat in a suitcase out of sight. I still have the photoframe that is full of photos of us (still wrapped up) that had been his christmas present under my bed!

– V