Hi Anita,

Thanks! Wish you a very happy new year too!

Hi Anita,

This required some thinking on my part. Honestly, I have reached a stage where I want to cut off all relations with my in laws side at least sis in law forever & find my own free self back again. And,  I have already started working on that by minimizing all sorts of contact , even being on calls. But as I think of it, is it possible to carry on like this forever? Can you love your husband & hate his family & practically have no contact whatsoever? On one hand , you are married to the love of your life & have beautiful kids and cannot fathom a life without him & on other hand there’s literally nothing you like about his family, they are toxic and backward & incompatibile  in every possible way. How can one be in no contact at all being part of the same family? Now to give an example, I expect an occasion the first time we visit in laws in my native country & I almost can predict they will invite my sis in law & her kids to attend that. How can one avoid such occasions or contact of all sorts? Therein lies my conflict . I feel trapped in this marriage in that sense. I feel forced (my husband never forces me or says anything) but in realistic / pragmatic terms I find it difficult to achieve the absolutely no contact goal. That’s my dilemma, how can I totally break free , without breaking my marriage? I sometimes think of a crazy solution whereby I am just girlfriend with my husband but not wife & that way not part of same family, so totally don’t have to care or even bother to visit them ever. But who are we kidding ?

• This reply was modified 5 years ago by curiousknowledgeseeker.

Hi Anita,

Thanks for your reply. yes, the message was short. Just asking how they were , thanking for gift adding we missed thanking before being busy and sending love to her kids. Nothing else. Is that too much?

Yes, I agree. I don’t want to do anything from here on. I honestly feel like I am done having this relationship and don’t want to talk ever again. So, I think I might be done here in her case.

• This reply was modified 5 years ago by curiousknowledgeseeker.
• This reply was modified 5 years ago by curiousknowledgeseeker.
• This reply was modified 5 years ago by curiousknowledgeseeker.

Anita, thanks for the effort on linking all that up.

Agree 100% that I should owe my loyalties to my parents who brought me up with such fantastic values .

Thanks Jay Jay !

On the active situation, I clearly communicated to my husband’s family that we would want them to visit separately from the time of my sil’s visit. I did mention that me & my husband both thought that she addressing sensitive family issues with me last time in my husband’s absence was quite inappropriate. Also that my husband makes all family decisions, so such issues should be best addressed to him. Also, that her last trip caused too much relationship damage between me & my husband. So we think that it’s best that they all come separately. His family has yet to respond, so we will see how that goes.

Yes, and I agree with everything else you said too.

Anita, I do love my husband and have few things that just the 2 of us have problems with. At the same time, the problems with his family have become a focus of our lives since the time I have been attempting to change the relationship dynamics with his family, with little success. It has only increased our fights, disharmony and caused anxiety in me. The best solution to this would be to totally shut down to his family & have no interaction with them . But when I try to do that, I feel guilty for not talking or interacting. And if I do , it causes problems and anxiety. It’s a  tiger and cliff situation. Either way you go, you are in trouble. Hence, unable to think of a way out of this frustration, I occasionally wish we were not married at all. But, it also doesn’t seem practical to break my family & ties with my husband based on just this reason. Hence the dilemma.

Thanks Anita! Sorry been frustrated and dealing with another family issue . Turns out my sil who who lives in another state , who we wished my laws would visit separately wants to come to our place to meet them. Apparently, she has her parents in law issues which prevent her from inviting her parents to her place. Ironically, she is the same sil (I have 2) that I earlier wrote about who on her previous visit to our house fought with me about how we should be inviting her parents here & blah blah blah. Interestingly, even my mil made a case for her to visit us instead of they visiting her as my mil doesn’t want to talk to my SiL’s mother in law (as they explain that her mil is nasty & my sil has too many problems).  What a mess!!! Oh Anita, I am so tired of my husband’s family, sometimes I wish I wasn’t married to my husband.

Now my husband & I clearly explained to my in laws & my sil that it would be best for her to come on a separate time, so we can host each of them well. But they came back asking us to reconsider as mil doesn’t want to see my sil’s mother in law. We are kinda stuck at this moment & haven’t made a decision. Would love your inputs on this . Thanks.. sorry, another issue is a focus now & that my life is a mess!

Anita, yes I agree. Many traditions make no sense at all & I have always been a rebel. But, when everyone around you follows them, sometimes they make you wonder if you are right in taking a different stand or people are not brave to question existing traditions.

I will be in touch if I get on a thinking mode again! Guess, I need a more rational influence of people like you around me rather than the unreasonable people that I sense & see in my family.