My good friend years ago said to me and it still resonate in my heart: if your freedom is being threatened in any way, it’s a big red flag.. And if you even FEEL your freedom is threatened, it’s a red flag. Like even if I’m deluding myself that she is subconsciously keeping me in this invisible prison feeling.. it’s gotten better, and the bad, better, and bad again. Confuses me. Answer me this, why every time we fight I feel like it’s the first fight we’ve ever had, like I feel so unprepared and lost and vulnerable as if I don’t know this feeling, when really we’ve had numerous debate.. I should know better. But I feel so naive to it all. Like I am under this love spell and when it’s broken, my world shatters.. it’s weird can’t explain it..

And to answerr your reflective questions: I want a life filled with fun/excitement, stimulation mental physical etc, closeness.connected ness, and purpose/direction

An I getting these now in my life, somewhat, sometimes. Yes and no. It’s never just black and white for me. She has her own personal journey and we made goals together to travel etc do fun stuff. When were not fighting and stuff everything’s awesome were in sync. I feel like the most important woman in the world. But my life lacks a lot to be honest. Friends, connections, expressive outlets, romance flirtation sex, direction, initiative.. I have so many goals dreams life purposes ambitions wishes hope ideas projects etc.. I even started a dream jar. A good feng shui tip too. And yes I know I am preventing myself from achieving my dreams, but secretly I feel I cannot creatively be me openly without shane or have initiative always concerning myself with another person. I miss my friend. I miss making my own little world. I miss blasting music and singing in the shower. I miss those moments. But when I think of us and the relationship we’ve built and are growing, I am happy and hopeful.. I left this bdsm tryst relationship thing to come back here to be with my wife.. She is more important at the end of the day.. And to Anbar the last, if we broke up I’m sure after a year I’d be okay, creating a new start. Buy I’d be haunted with the heartbreak and memories of a love I know I’d regret if I left. I know the feeling. I’ve had it several times before.. But I am hopeful and optimistic and cliche.. I believe in happy endings in everything always being okay and things working out for the best.. so if I stay, I can be hopeful and try to be more action oriented in my life and stand by my wife and support her, or I can forge my own path and see if I mass the ruby choice or the biggest mistake of a lifetime. Because knowing me, if I fund someone else, I will compare them and put them at a competition in a weird way, I know me. I attach and can never seem to let go completely fully. I am a nostalgic kind of girl… now what else can you gauge from all of this? Thanks again.

• This reply was modified 9 years, 8 months ago by Cupocake.

Hi. I read your post and all of the comments. I’m actually in a web of emotions lately. Long story short. I am a lesbian femme married to a bunch. Six and a half years now. I’ve left twice. And came back both times. I’m sure you can imagine how the taking me back went on. But I struggle with firstly I am feminine, emotional, full of self doubt etc.. I can empathize with everything you guys feel. I feel it too. However, being she is buck/more masculine and dominant, we express things differently. Yes she is a woman and has the same chemical emotional makeup, but we’ve been fighting lately and it feels we are on other sides of the world. She’s got mental issues anxiety etc.. but my concern is, is she really in love with ME or just the idea of me or the idea of love or whatever her expectation in her mind is. I am deeply romantic and passionate and I find its like she is too.. but not the way with ME that I envision. She’s got health problems too so questioning the status of our relationship is nearly impossible and I have looked pay our stormy history, but its peeking back through .. and the last fight we had I was an emotional crying wreck… and yet I sadly looked up pinterest quotes to cheer myself up and apologized and tried to act put together, but we start bickering and then my mind spirals all over again. Is this right? Does she want to change me out vice versa? Should I ignore the BS and focus on our love and commitment? But what if we’ve just habitually conditioned our hearts to feel our minds to believe we are deeply in love when maybe just maybe me, or her, or both is just in love with the idea of love. God I had to google the difference to get it. I still don’t understand. But then what if I’m deep inside expecting this love that’s not “her” like she will never never chase me down after a fight and apologize and profess her deep love for me. She’s a stubborn italian. But in all sincerity, I am more concerned that maybe my life my relationship isn’t going to go the ways I keep ring to convince myself they will be. If that makes sense. We’ve had bouts of confrontation, emotional, mental, physical… maybe I’m all shaken up tonight because it’s the first time in a while it went “there” physically. She stormed off to the bedroom and I sat shocked on the couch and cried like a part of me died. And all I could do was sob and pray to god. This is days after she bought me a rainbow rose and told me how much I have been helping her etc love love bla bla.. sorry for the ramble. But I’ve had zero outlet in like 6 years..