In fact I haven’t even talked to the guy from that other thread since I wrote the last posts on it! (Which I hope is progress)

Thanks for replying.

I guess the part of me that liked him since the start, wanted to be near him and be with him and around him.

I know in any other case I would have simply not even considered it an option because he was already with someone. But with him, gosh, I was so ready when he opened up and so ready to accept it all.

I don’t even know if it was a part of me that lead me to this. I was telling myself all the time it was silly. Maybe it was simply my feelings for him that drew me in.

Yeah, I have accepted that all now and I agree with you. He isn’t ready, or willing, and perhaps never will be ready to have a proper relationship, he only tells himself and those he meets that, perhaps because of his own fantasy or delusion. It doesnt matter to me though, because it is over. I dont think he’s a bad person, just perhaps not fully aware of his actions. Doesn’t matter anyway, I am no longer attaching my dreams or wishes of a man to him, I am actively detaching them. Seeing him as a human nonetheless, with whatever issues he has, but detaching myself from him so I can move on. I am merely processing what happened to simply be able to accept it, move on, not judge myself or anyone else. No bad taste in my mouth, no bitterness towards myself either. I can still want the same of someone, I do have a legitimate expectation of a relationship. And, it wasnt wrong or foolish of me to think I saw that in him, but that is all it was, I thought I saw it in him. But, it is over. Sure, the future is the future, maybe I will see him again someday, but I dont plan on waiting for him at all, especially romantically. I want something better. I dont want to get tied to him ever again. (I need to 100% believe this yet I still need to see how it wasn’t good, but that will come with time as I accept what happened.) Im even slowly unravelling all the processes id developed that stop me from considering other guys. Slowly seeing how often I over-attached myself to him. And, this process feels good. Its scary when I lapse and think of him and feel jealous and hurt by what hes doing now… taking romantic pics of him with the guy in Argentina… but I removed him from instagram and as I move on, I will feel that urge to look less and less. Its a little sad, I think I feel sorry for myself. Perhaps too proud still to admit it was what it was (I cant think of a constructive word for the experience), but no worries.

I am focussing on me and me alone.

I used to have the passion, I was in love with the idea. But, perhaps right now its not what I need. Or, I dont need to learn one with all the baggage of him attached. Spanish doesnt have that baggage attached to it at all, and I have had a hankering to pick it up again.

It was certainly a fantasy, even when reality. Most communcations were about a future, always a future together. So much so that even when we were a more ‘real” couple, Id never realise that we were far away and that wasnt building a real bond. Instead it was endless plans and plans, constantly refining the same ones, agreeing, but never starting, never realising these dreams, plans together. And well, this time, I think it came to a head that it was indeed only a fantasy.

I realised this too, I should have seen it more objectively, I was so stuck in my old mindset, that endless fantasizing, this time I didnt see it for how fragile, fleeting it was. I kept telling myself “wow he really is the one”… but this time it was more hesitant, I was doubting it because it wasnt real anymore… he wasnt a proper boyfriend. I told myself that it was my fault, but that was the doubts from before. This time, it really wasnt working.

In some sense, it was nice… if I look at it as a brief heady re-encounter and nothing more, so be it. Life goes on… that takes away the self blame that I was the idiot over-dedicated to someone who didnt feel the same. No guilt-tripping needed. Let it all go…

Yeah, true. I worry It would be doing as I often do in my life, giving someone else the power over the decision. Im only leaving cos of him! That’s just symptomatic of my issues, tho, right? Im actually making a decision to preserve my sense of self now, by choosing to go where I feel best. Its a genuine act of self-preservation. I can leave and tell myself that, or continue telling myself other people have power over my life… right? haha i~m still undecided on somethings. Its a little drastic, sure, and some people do see it as such… but it feels right. I see myself in other places and feeling freer, nothing better than a change to… change!

Yeah she basically used a technique I had specifically told her about and said that last time it hadnt worked. And I told other people about it and they all said it was like quackery.

Im thinking about deleting him from my life, my ex. But, a part of me wants to just be friends too. Im mixed between jealousy, being kind of angry that he “moved on” so quickly, then an urge to move on entirely myself. I mean, for him it was different… he met someone from a long time ago and liked them again. For me, id been romanticizing him all that time. Yikes. Well anyway im not thinking about that part of it so much, I just dont want to feel like an idiot. I think im a bit hurt by it, but, in a way, its not his fault. Ok, if he was suggesting buying rings, you dont say to someone a month later “sorry, i dont think I love you”… that was a dick move. A part of me also thinks… maybe if id talked to him more since we said goodbye, he wouldnt have drifted off. He said he didnt feel it anymore since he was away from me. Didnt I start to feel the same?

One minute I think I should just leave the country, it isnt working here very well in general after all. I chatted with my parents and my dad said “you know you never smile when we ask how you are, you always just say “yeah im ok” or “im alright”. Rather than taking it as a judgement of his I realised it myself, id been feeling the same the last few weeks. Im not enjoying, loving life here. Im just surviving. I dont know if the new stimulus of moving somewhere new, perhaps after deleting my ex from my life totally (blocking him on social media totally) would help. Land somewhere new, start a life knowing he isnt coming back, and that I am not going back to him. It might seem drastic but I think remaining here is not the right way. Too much reminds me of him, the language, everything, im reminded of how I came here just for him.

At the same time, I feel like another way to move on is just be at peace with it. Maybe still leave the country, but why not just be his friend? Not message him all the time, let the dust settle etc. I feel like sometimes people block people out but that sort of means they stay with them anyway as a sort of bad energy. Or am I doing that just because I still want to be close to him? But then… don’t lots of people still talk to their ex’s? Isnt blocking him making a big deal out of it? I feel like removing him from my life again would hurt. We shared a lot after all, and in person we still get on well. Ok, for a few weeks, months I should probably do the “no contact” thing to focus on myself. But sometimes I wonder if blocking is childish… after all, I should mentally change my opinion of him and blocking is just social media… I dont know if im really angry at him, or just angry at myself for letting it go on for so long in the blind hope the over romanticized fantasy future with him would materialize.

Well it happened today, I commented on a picture on instagram, he said he couldn’t be in a relationship with me. Probably he was screwing that guy he was staying with in Argentina. Whatever.

I feel weird now, I feel free… I don’t have much hope for future relationships. I told myself so much in this one that it was my fault and carried that with me for nearly 2 years, I don’t know how to have a life of my own anymore. Well, I get glimpses. When I was threatening to break up with him in my head I would tell myself I could go live a life. But, I’m sort of trapped with this idea of a future with him.

Not completely, I must say.

I can see my whole life as my own, now, actually. But, I don’t know what the next step is. Do I stay in Brazil, try to have my own life here? I can kind of imagine one, but I feel like my heart lies elsewhere.

I can also see how I stopped myself doing this before. I kept returning to this false reality. Even when I didn’t talk to him. I can almost see it now, kind of “no but it’ll work out in the end”… but it won’t. Ugh…. what the hell do I do now?