Well, I suppose in reality I am in control of whether or not I think this fear is valid. Others can tell me yes or no… maybe that’s the message here… what if I just decide to believe it is alright?

They do resonate, I had wondered sometimes if I had BPD. A friend of mine knew someone diagnosed with it, and she (the friend) said how they were talking about people in a very positive way, then something happened and instantly they were untrustworthy, horrible, a snake etc. I think I can see some characteristics of me doing that too, perhaps more so than my parents. Not that I’m not in control of such behaviours, but the emotional forces behind them overwhelms me easily. Rather than have a reaction, let’s say, and simply choose to act on that or not, I become overwhelmed with vengence, or betrayal or some such emotion.

At the same time my reactions remind me of that of a child, where they in a way can’t handle their emotions/reactions and get into a bit of a state.

I think my mother never had these behaviours towards me, however, and so in that way, it was lucky. We’re all on the spectrum for some disorder, maybe she is a bit further up than others. I think a strong dividing line is that she didn’t have this towards everyone all the time. She was fiercely protective of me rather than involving me in the great betrayal – along with my sibling, and her close friends – they were “in the circle”. I think her having a tough time when I was around 10/11 (a great deal of family issues amongst other things) led her to be this way. My father says she never used to be like this. Indeed as a young child I don’t even remember her saying stuff like that. It was only when I was a teenager that it really got worse – those years where my view of the world is formed, but some more important relationships are formed. Just as her view and experience of the world was worsening, mine was being cemented, and I was alone with her an awful lot. I maybe have a decent base but a lot of this paranoid thinking sprinkled on top. Nonetheless, I think seeing it in a frame of a disorder helps. At least to see it as “disordered behaviour”. I remember doing the same with myself previously – seeing, thinking and feeling when my behaviour (anxiety, let’s say) was perhaps leading me astray.

I think it can give me some hope, certainly in trying to recognize these thoughts as they arise. I keep remembering my therapist saying about how we “reproduce” the behaviours of those we live with (I think I said it a couple days ago). I can see more and more it’s a sort of hangover from that. I remember a time, when I was happy and at university, when I could be a good steward of my thoughts, and tell unpleasant/unneeded ones to go on their way. But now i’m a little more unstable/unsure of myself and that process is much harder. But, I think, to know that these thoughts that are so thoroughly unpleasant fundamentally don’t need to be acted/thought upon does help.

Returning to the relationship with my boyfriend, I have entered a sort of paranoia, but not over his trustworthiness, but over the impacts of my behaviour. I can sense he is a little more distant, sharing less with me. We reconciled mid-way through this week, then had an argument, over the stupidest, minor thing, on Friday. We sent audio messages after, I said i’m sorry and that in a way these don’t mean much to me. He sent one back saying the same, and that these things won’t kill his love for me. But gosh, I feel such a fool. I regret so much all the guarded behaviour, gatekeeping to my feelings, rolling my eyes at his attempts to create closeness – ignoring his calls when it wasn’t convenient for me, for example. He still calls of course.

Again, thoughts deceive me, I dont know if it really is water under the bridge for him, and now it’s an anxious attachment phase that i’m stuck in, going “is he really more distant?”. Even if he was, it would be understandble, and the best way for us to return to a normal baseline is for me to reduce the intensity of my emotions and let it come back naturally. I can’t just constantly seek reassurance after causing a minor rift.

I’m writing this and remembering what you said a couple days ago, that the inner child is dominant in me. I see some sort of childish behaviour here too. I remember sometimes I could be very insistent as a child, determined and willful, but this clashed with my parents who were just the same. Sometimes it would annoy them, but they would also react like a child – they wouldn’t ignore me, but they wouldn’t offer reassurance sometimes, it would be something that haunted (haunts) me to this day. This seeking reassurance from my boyfriend reminded me of this. But it’s like i’m determined to hear him say it again and again until I feel better. If I don’t here it, it means I have killed out relationship and all those bad things will come true.

But in reality, maybe just acting like normal, waiting for the daily call etc, is fine. Maybe I don’t have to try and ring him as soon as he is free, desperate for reassurance. But then, he was always so communicative and now he’s quieter, which he says is because he’s studying. I worry if I give him space this will become the norm and I will have lost a part of him, so instead i’m desperately trying to explain myself to him…

I’d written this reply too, but left it on another tab! :

Im inclined to agree, it’s what i’ve been feeling too when I try to reflect and take myself out of the situation per se.

All the things I’m making myself worry about are so absurd at the same time as they could, “on paper” be an issue. I think previously I was content to sort of see how it goes – and I kept telling myself “focus on what’s in front of me” – but I keep slipping back into that well-trodden path of anxiety. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. I’m surprised even at myself for triggering myself so frequently.

I’m constantly creating resentments too – reminding myself of ways I could be being taken advantage of or how I could be pulling cotton wool over my eyes. I remember my current therapist said we can “reproduce” what our parents do or did, or what those we live with do as well. Me living with my parents probably doesn’t help, I write this and see a lot of it is very similar to my mother and my father – my mother constantly acting as if my father is trying to undermine her/outwit her or take advantage. Things that probably he did do a long time ago but now I don’t really see it like that – he just wants to try and enjoy his last years. My mother has a lot of baggage – she holds on to receipts from supermarket shops from years ago – he tries to encourage her to throw them out, she screams about something of hers he threw away 20 years ago – he learned his mistake and doesn’t touch her stuff, but she can’t let that injustice go.

I write that as it’s almost my experience too – I can’t let anything go and I can’t get into a situation where I might have to. Funnily enough, remembering the Catholic element – an “immaculate” conception – it’s as if my record must be immaculate. I can’t have any risks or anything like that hovering in my life. My boyfriend made mistakes, as anyone does, but I can’t seem to forgive him even as time marches on. I have to sort of deconstruct everything he does to make sure there isn’t a sign of this or that in his behaviour, so that there is no risk of betrayal or upset.

Back again after some weeks.

We’re still together, the visit here was fine overall. We argued sometimes, bickered etc but mostly it had a lot of love in – I felt genuinely sad to see him go, and he even said “I don’t want to leave”. We even discussed, albeit with the intention of doing so, him staying here instead of keeping with his studies.

I was a bit upset after he left, I can see in a way it was perhaps a bit like “how can he not have been utterly devastated!?” – he said that it’s easier for him as he starts a new year, goes back to his normal life, I had him in my normal life, and now am missing something (him), so naturally I’ll feel sadder as i’ve lost something. I understood him, he said when I had left him after my visit (nearly a year ago now), he’d stayed in his room for a week and cried a lot, while after i’d come back and I hadn’t really registered it at all. Yet, my mind made me think it was unfair!

I’ve remembered these past weeks (it’s been about a month since he went back) what you said before about how I struggle to believe i’m loved, and I think it’s a bit of that. The classic psycotherapy trick – what’s the evidence? – doesn’t really hold true. He still calls every day, and has gotten upset that it’s always him calling me (I wait for him to call, always). I’m planning to go visit him in July, only a couple months away, and he wants to come visit me again in December – six weeks earlier than last time, so i’d be with him nearly three months.

We’ve had some arguments, heated conversations etc and i’ve been the one asking him if he wants to break up – which he always responds to incredulously as if the notion is absurd. I think it’s a bit of defensive “pre-empting” on my part, because every time I say it, I don’t really mean it. Even so, I put these arguments down to simply being in a phase where the honeymoon period has faded a bit, we’ve seen each other and liked it a lot but then now we’ve had to be apart from one another again. I think I resent the distance a bit – maybe him too? (how dare he, really, not be sad about it!).

I think the reason for posting again is mostly myself. I don’t really doubt his intentions, I doubt… myself? Or my intentions? Sometimes, I wake up and think it’s all fine, how marvelous it is. Then I think it’s all foolish and i’m being utterly naive and delusional, or that he is. I remind myself i’m still supporting him, and I think that causes a big resentment because I feel it causes an uneven balance – I feel like he owes me, even though I’m fully aware that that’s a very unhealthy attitude, and I don’t actually think he does. But, when I get frustrated, that voice is there “gosh, Ben, and you’re paying for this!?” . I never tell anyone I am.

I worry about the time too. Distance can be fine, but 4 years of this? He’s in Argentina of all places, one of the worst places to try and move to and get a job right now, even if I did it would barely support us. I feel I made decisions that were all because of love and emotion and feelings. And now the reality of the situation has hit and i’m totally lost.

I love him, easier and more openly than anyone else, and I believe he loves me too. I don’t want to give up something that feels this good and that can come along so rarely. But I think a part of me is really doubting if it can really work, keep working, if it can last. The hardest question keeps cropping up – do I want this? I never know if I have a real answer.

4 years is a long time. But even then, husbands went to war and all was fine afterwards… I don’t know what to believe. I think I can do it, then I doubt it’s all worth it. I think since he’s gone back it’s become a bit more normal for him in general – as we now know a decent amount about each other, the conversations have gotten a bit samey “How was studying” – “How was work”. I don’t mind that but then sometimes we just sit and don’t talk much. My mind is screaming “what’s the point of this?!” – I worry if that’s a sign it’s not worth it anymore. I ask myself “What is this adding to my life?” – security, the knowledge that someone loves me. These are important, even the daily call shows someone cares about me. But I don’t know… I worry it’s just all about “the future” – which is a long way off. The day to day? I don’t know.

I’ve tried several times to mention it to him, I say how hard I think it will be – he just says something like “gosh, I hope these years pass quickly”. He is very optimistic, but I resent him for that response because it just seems naive to me. He reminds me he had some other long-distance relationship that lasted a couple of years and “that was fine” – but that was different time, people – that time he and the other partner at least lived in the same country. I feel like he just prefers to not think about it – a cultural failing, Brazilians prefer to think that negatives just don’t exist if you don’t think about them – but I can’t do that.

As an aside, even beliefs seem to get on my nerves. I think I said before he’s very religious (grew up in a small town in the interior). It being Easter of course is a more religious time, and he said any children he cares for will go to church with him. I’m not intolerant of other beliefs, but that really irritates me. His whole attitude this Easter has irritated me – I just find it so… frustrating! Especially when he’s in a gay relationship and doesn’t see any issues with being a whole hearted defender of Catholicism?! I tried today as gently as possible to talk to him about it, he said oh it’s about love thy neighbour, the church is just men and not necessarily representative. So why believe in all the other stuff? Why not just have your own relationship with God if it’s so important? Maybe it’s my Anglo-Saxon disposition – the US and UK have created so many other forms of Christianity, maybe it’s actually just a cultural thing and i’m sorta misinterpreting it.

Thanks Anita, and for you too!

I was thinking to write here the other day.

I’m finding doubts are becoming quite pernicious. The other day I argued with him about what happened with his ex, perhaps I got into the range of asking questions I’d never want to know the answer to. At the work Christmas party two female colleagues were talking about their husbands who left them. Maybe this triggered me, and I asked him “Did you have sex with him when he was there?! “. I’m not sure what my plan was there, if he said no I’d still have doubted him and if he said yes I’d have felt betrayed… even though this all happened 4 months ago now. The wound is still healing and I guess it’s normal to flare up every now and then.

Still, I was talking to another friend about him, a friend who had always been a little skeptical about him. My fills me with doubts, saying I am being deceived, led on, that I am being naive. If all the drama with thr ex happened, how could I have been loved? It makes me feel like the guy I’m in love with is just enjoying me.

Maybe some of my own doubts and reservations mingle in the midst of this too. I sometimes wonder if he really does love me or if perhaps he thinks he does. He says the right things, and I feel better. Then, doubt comes along and I start thinking “Oh but did he say this to the other guys?”. He tells me no, that I’m the first person where he feels jealousy and somewhat possessive. He said before his ex would try to provoke jealousy by hanging out with other guys, but he wouldn’t care. With me he says it drives him crazy when I even mention it.

Still, love isn’t jealousy, of course. At the moment, he is coming to visit in January for a while. He’s midway through the winter break, visiting family. I can sense he’s giving me less attention. I drive myself mad with this. “Of course, makes sense, he’s surrounded by family, on his grandparents farm, working and helping around. Obviously he won’t have his phone on all the time nor be available to talk”. Even so, he’s called me more or less twice a day for the last week. He sends videos every now and then showing me around the farm and countryside.

My mind focuses on the fact the calls are shorter. Then, enter the conspiratorial thoughts… ohhh he’s not talking as much because, now he isn’t alone in his room studying, he doesn’t need me anymore. This proves he doesn’t love me, merely thinks he does.

I don’t know what to trust anymore or what to believe. My friend seems to think its a classic case of someone defending a hopeless relationship, with what to him are incredibly unstable foundations. I find myself believing him and not believing him… my struggle to believe someone loves me working on the former, me being more “rational” working on the latter.

Maybe as its been a long time I feel a need to reconnect with him properly, without the ex lurking in the background. I hope the visit will help ease my mind somewhat.

Hi Anita

It’s been an interesting time, for sure.

The first week back “together” was very weird for me. It was what I had wanted, but I realised all the trust I had for him before, that was so implicit, was now all in doubt. I didn’t know if I believed him, trusted him, if it was both or neither or just one.

I realised it would be a journey to trust him again, and that felt natural. It was only a few days after starting up again. He was showing the right signals. He said he would gingerly break up with his now ex, and was calling me everyday.

But still, it felt a little weird. As I had said to him, for him it was a moment of clarity to realise how he felt about his ex and about me. A “lightening” moment. For me… it was a bit like “oh… I had thought I would be over the moon”. I realised I was now much more protective of myself and guarded. I noticed that while I felt the same deep down, in my heart etc, up at the mind’s eye I was slow to get back into it, perhaps slower than I expected. I worried I wouldnt be able to love him again for a while, but that did pass as we re-connected.

We’ve been mostly ok since then, he is going to “formally” finish it with his ex with a conversation, though he has some finances wrapped up with him for a while which he told me about. A couple of credit cards etc. I understand that and that that area means they will have to communicate for a while.  He said he felt a bit sad about it because after all, it was someone he was in communication with everyday. But still, he is open about all of it with me.

I think though that there is now an insecurity in me that I didn’t have before. That implicit trust I had with him before, ironically seeing as he was actually in a relationship, has sort of been toned down. I find myself doubting him with no evidence. I find myself seeing only negatives or doubts or worries rather than a balanced view. Not always, and of course, it doesn’t overwhelm me, but I realise I am fighting these more than before. It doesn’t overwhelm me, it is not my default mode. But they are sneakily there in the background sometimes.

What also doesn’t help is he seems to get nervous when I mention that, just as it was hard to “leave” him, it was also sort of hard to get back together with him. I try to explain to him that it is just a matter of rebuilding trust (hard to gain, easy to lose) – but I think his insecurities get the better of him and he gets nervous and impatient. A few days ago he took it quite hard and thought I was saying I didn’t love him anymore.  I reminded him that I could quite easily have told him where to shove it if I had indeed not loved him. His insecurities don’t overwhelm him either, I manage to reassure him most of the time. In fact, usually these conversations start off a little defensive or confrontational, but we nearly always gravitate naturally towards making each other laugh again, which I hope is a good sign.

I think for him it was a “lets just pick up where we left off” and he didn’t quite realise that it was the start of yet another process for me. My anxieties sometimes get the better of me but I do manage to take control before confronting him with them and try to evaluate them and turn them into something constructive.  Still they do get the better of me sometimes and I find myself just sending silly doubts and embarrassing myself. I feel like that is not my default mode with him, it’s a little bit of that anxiety, helplessness and longing from our time apart running out of me and craving his attention, in what is an otherwise fairly healthy communication pattern. I hope it can be resolved as it frustrates me.

Yes, sorry! He is the love interest. The boyfriend/ex is the other guy.

And sorry, to reply more directly to your reply, I agree, yes. It needs a practical idea/aim/goal to really be worth it.

We had originally planned for me to use this job to save up money to support us. I would support him while I work here and save, then potentially in a year or so I would go to move there. (Thankfully Argentina is very cheap, at least at the moment). He said “of course we will have our own apartment”. He seemed to readily revive this plan.