I’ve kind of the exact opposite problem.

Well, I’ve been ‘alone’ my entire life, and never really understood the fellow humans around me and this method of cruelty, deception, and drama we’ve become accustomed to treating ourselves and one another with.

Growing up, I’ve been an outcast and abused by my own family in a variety of ways, which made me mistrustful to begin with. I was also overweight, depressed, never smiled..that kinda thing. Taking up smoking when I was 17 didn’t help either.

In my early thirties, (I’m now 34) I got a job as an EMT, lost about thirty pounds, took up gym, got a haircut, started a hobby in calligraphy, quit smoking for the most part and wouldn’t you know it: Women started to straight up stare and smile at me. I wasn’t even looking at them when I catch it.

Please don’t confuse this with braggadocio: I spent the previous thirty years utterly alone and very few friends. I have quite the stark experience to compare it too. I do not claim to be attractive, or that I am everything that is man, or god’s gift to women. I am *very much* NOT. That’s exactly the problem, I don’t know how to react, what to say, how to move forward, et cetera. I become incredibly nervous, and my years of experience in hiding myself while in plain sight renders me mute an having an uninterested air in those scenarios.

One might think that makes them lose interest. Quite the opposite.

Within these two years of this very much new experience, I am not grateful for it. It added on to my lingering depression and self-loathing, and a general frustration towards it. A sort of inner voice yelling at them: “NOW?” In a way, being a man makes it worse because we’re ‘supposed’ to make the first move and be in charge and know what we’re doing. I am none of these things. I have a self-confidence that I did not possess before, but not in this area.

Then, finally as I meditated upon the situation I came to a simple realization. No one needs anyone else for their happiness. I know this on an intellectual level, but could never feel it, understand it wholly. I can’t base my happiness on something I’ve never had. On something that was simply never there in my life. An absence can exist, in the sense that there was something once there. But, if I am whole no matter what, than what was the source of this discontent? Fear? Anger? Projecting my issues onto these smiling strangers?

No.

Though a broken tree is misshapen in the eyes of others, it is perfect unto itself, for it is in the form it needs to be. I was angry with myself because I was not accepting the form I was. If there is no such thing as perfection; at least from a human position, than there is no such thing as imperfection. Which makes everything perfect as they are…..sorry, if that’s confusing.

Since then, I have found it easier to smile back and go about my business. Instead of turning a simple jaunt to a Starbucks into a game of social dodgeball, I have been a bit more at ease, and have found my tension reduce dramatically. I have no plans of making new friends, and go on dates, and have relationships with anyone, but…I’m also not planning not too as well. These mental fictions were what were driving me up the wall. My projections of what a simple smile was ‘supposed’ to mean. The anxiety of not being able to meet what I assumed were the expectations of others.

Perhaps if there is something about yourself that you are having difficulty accepting, this may be why. Or I have completely missed the central issue, and I do that. I can’t really see things in plain sight.

Good luck!

You have excessive empathy most likely.

Now, when I say ’empathy’, I do not refer to psychics and crystals and the like, I mean the human capacity to intuitively and cognitively perceive the emotional state of others. Inside the human brain, there are a special group of brain cells called ‘mirror neurons’, these are the source of human empathic ability. They literally cannot tell the difference between your emotional state, and the emotional state of others.

This is where many people become confused about psychopathy and the exact opposite of empathy. ‘Antisocial’ in everyday usage has come to mean being a homebody, shy, not wanting to go out. In fact, ‘Antisocial’ behavior in psychiatric terms means behaviors that don’t contribute to a social group in a positive sense. A person who lies, cheats, and steals has ‘antisocial behavior’. Perhaps ironically, antisocial people will be some of the most superficially charming people you will meet. A used car salesman might be a good example in this case.

What this has to do with you, is that us empathic folk naturally pick up the moods and emotions of others without realizing it. Oftentimes, addicts, wallflowers and those that pull themselves away from social settings because they can’t handle more of others emotions are the most empathic. Most don’t know this about themselves, and it is easy for them to get overloaded with the energies of others.

Have you read the gag advice often posted on Facebook that goes along the lines of “Before you diagnose yourself as depressed, first make sure that you are in fact not surrounded by jerks’? It’s something like that, be aware of your own self and feelings, and learn to filter out the input of others and you may see a drastic reduction in this agoraphobia. Keep in mind that having this empathic trait, when learned to use properly, can give you a distinct advantage in life and with people.

People are constantly advertising what their emotional state is, through micro expressions, body language, tone of voice, eye contact, et cetera, and we pick up on these cues subconsciously, and are also affected by them subconsciously. Being mindful can make all the difference.

Good luck with this, and I hope for the best outcome for you.

If you tell a depressed person that they are insert-negative-label here, they already believe you.

The paradox of depression is that we see ourselves as almost two separate persons, and the cycle of self-loathing is a constant self-criticism and performing the acts that we dislike in ourselves, which leads us to self-criticize, that leads to the acts we perform; because only a insert-negative-label-here would do these type of things.

The road to recovery, aside from counseling, possibly medication, and related things is to change either the outlook or the acts we perform. It takes time and sometimes great effort, perhaps more than most people who do not suffer from depression. People who do not suffer from the depth of the depression you seem to describe here, cannot understand what it feels like.

They cannot understand statements such as: “It hurts to exist”. When drawing a breath feels like a crime against nature, when a dark shadow in the mind tells you that your simply being is a sin. The anhedonic nature of this lowly state is a hell on earth. Pleasure is found in nothing. The XBox gaming is likely because he can find solace only in focusing his thoughts and attention on something other than himself. Role playing as it were.

However, you must also learn to put yourself first in this situation. It is very possible he sees you as a free ride and merely takes advantage. It may be a case of what I have just wrote. It may be something in between. However, the source of positivity and negativity in our lives flows from ourselves.

There is no love, without self-love. There is no hate, without self-hate. If your compassion has led to a self-criticism in yourself, then you yourself may have started down a very similar path as he. You may subconsciously, or with full awareness see yourself as an ‘enabler’, and then reinforce that behavior of self-resentment with those actions that make you one.

Apologies if that last one sounds ‘accusatory’ in nature: it is not my intention. I wish only to help you find the clarity you seek, and to let the truth guide you. This is all; of course, words from a stranger on the internet, so it is best to merely consider them, and be willing to dismiss them upon evidence of their error.

Above all, I hope the best outcome for both he and you in this.