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CraigParticipantWow dreaming715, how cool is that that you’re coming back here a year later and things have been changing for you?! I’m in my mid-50s, and I’m not going to give up either!
CraigParticipantWendy, I think where you “draw the line” (take care of your boundaries?) in most, maybe all cases, has nothing to with why someone may be violating your boundaries. Your boundaries are to protect your integrity and well-being and I’m thinking you might want to be very cautious about allowing anyone to cross them for any reason. (by the way, this has been a hard lesson for me and I’m still working on it).
CraigParticipantElisabeth and dreaming715, thanks for reading my thoughts and sharing yours. I am indeed at peace, though simultaneously very sad. I was so motivated to grow and learn and become the best partner I could, and have learned some great relational skills (I think!).
I think one of the key qualities I’ll look for in my next (and hopefully last) partner is a strong desire to grow and learn. Nobody comes off-the-shelf, ready-to-go, as a perfect partner. But I believe amazing things could happen if both people really want to learn how to build a great relationship.
Incidentally, my opinion for what it’s worth, as to the reason that most relationships fail or become mediocre is that when the romantic phase passes, one or both people think something is “wrong” and doesn’t see that the path to a deeper connection has now just begun – but takes some learning. Just my thoughts.
CraigParticipantHi Ramone,
The first thing that came to mind is to talk about what’s on your mind, specifically what you’re calling codependency. Since you’re just getting to know her, you go easy, not too much depth right now. But in a growing and healthy relationship, I think you’ll want to say something like, “Hey there’s this thing I’ve been working on. Sometimes I feel scared that people I care about might leave. I’m working on this by talking with a therapist to understand where it comes from, and I’m reading such and such books.”
See the two parts? 1) Gently and honestly sharing a personal challenge you have. 2) Sharing what you’re doing about it so that you and she will know it’s your goal to manage it. (If you get closer, she may even become a partner, but not a fixer, in supporting your work)
I think if you pretend this part of you doesn’t exist, it may come up at a time when neither you nor she is prepared to deal with it.
Go easy, enjoy this new interest!
CraigParticipantThanks for your thoughts, Azouz!
CraigParticipantAzouz, I think I know where it didn’t work; early on, I got busy sorting out my stuff and my contribution. She did not do the same, and didn’t seek to grow. I think she won’t and can’t be available to me or to anyone else, until and unless she gets busy on her personal work. There’s probably not a way around each person taking full responsibility for their part of a relationship. Just my thought.
CraigParticipantAt different times, she was more available than others, especially during the first few months (you know, the “romantic phase.”) But she hadn’t told me she loved me for well over a year, and she repeatedly turned down my invitations to get together, and to talk on the phone when we weren’t together. I haven’t seen her since October. I actually do think she loves me, but I don’t want to be in a relationship where there are months of not seeing each others, or weeks of not talking. I think she would benefit from some regular psychotherapy, but that is a decision that only she can make. Thanks for touching base, Azouz.
CraigParticipantI think of it like this… and this may sound crazy at first… when a person is fleeing, they are feeling scared and for whatever reason, their brain thinks safety is found in running away. If YOU help the person get away, then you become a source of safety instead of threat. You become someone they don’t have to get away from.
It might look like this…
Person running away: “I need some space. I don’t want to talk for a week.”
Person learning not to chase: “I hear that you need space. How about I send you a quick text in TWO weeks?”
This can work. But you’ll have to get good at handling your own anxiety along the way.
CraigParticipantBricklady,
On the topic of the chase – retreat dynamic, consider thinking about ways you can help him get away. If you do that, then maybe he won’t have to.
Craig
CraigParticipantThank you, Anita, for replying. Part of the fall-out of that relationship was that I was feeling quite invisible. So your simple remark was happily received.
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