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CraigParticipantHi Jessica,
Do you think your fiance feels safe being himself in front of you? Where there is secrecy and/or undiscussed but pressing topics of any kind, typically someone does not feel safe. Do you feel safe being yourself in front of him?
This may not have much to do with porn.
CraigParticipantSounds complicated. Your baggage. His cheating. Your anger. His depression.
Your relationship may not be destroyed. And, whatever damage has been done, I doubt he is solely responsible.
Have you thought about working with a good couples therapist? It seems there is a lot to untangle, and all that has gone on may haunt both of you if you don’t find a way to metabolize it.
CraigParticipantAnjum, you have more choices than choosing between your ex-boyfriend (who may not be an option anyway) and this new guy – another choice is for you to be with nobody right now, except yourself.
CraigParticipantWhat could he say that might help you get to a better place, emotionally and spiritually? Or maybe it has nothing to do with him?
CraigParticipantHi, I thought about your post for a while before responding. Here’s my thought, then I’ll explain the reasoning. You might not ask her to give you both a chance again. Instead, listen to whatever she shares, and try to understand. And if she is emotionally moving away from you, accept that and encourage her to go on her way.
That might sound counterintuitive.
My thinking is that if she doesn’t want to be with you due to lack of interest or she has some fear issues (that may have nothing to do with you), chasing after her will make everything worse.
Encourage her to go away, if that’s what she says she wants.
It might not change anything. But, it might put in her mind that you’re a guy who didn’t try to hold her close against her will, and in fact supported her decisions. Could be worth a lot.
View yourself as a door-opener instead of a door-closer.
CraigParticipantHi P.,
Sometimes I see it like this: there’s “trying,” and there’s “doing.” But in between, there is “making progress.” Perhaps you could say something like “I love you and I want a life with you. The way I see it, part of having a life together is making practical decisions and actions. We talked about saving up for a house together. I hear that you’re having trouble with this. Perhaps we could set some goals, like you save $300 a month (or whatever makes sense to you) as will I.”
And then with concrete milestones, he (and you) will do it, or he (you) won’t. And then he will have given you his answer.
Start out with a specific time frame. Maybe monthly goals for a total of 6 months. Then take it from there.
CraigParticipantDear Carey Bounds, If you got to the point of being deeply unhappy and depressed, then it makes sense that you changed something. You can’t change your partner, and you had shared your desires with him. You didn’t change yourself to become satisfied with the status quo (I’m NOT suggesting you should – I’m only walking through the options). All that’s left to change is to look elsewhere for what you want and need.
It’s possible – but don’t count on it – that your decision will trigger your ex to re-examine himself and what he wants, and he may return to your life. But don’t wait around for that.
Best wishes.
March 27, 2017 at 1:51 pm in reply to: Still In Love With My Ex After A Year… Should I Reach Out? #142429CraigParticipantTessa, It’s not clear to me why he broke up with you. You’ve been agonizing over whether he wants you or is interested in you for a long time. It seems important to know how you viewed the relationship, what was working and what wasn’t working. And beyond that, if you do fantasize about having a new relationship with him, what what you do differently and what would he do differently? Breakups always happen for a reason, though I happen to think that often they are invitations to grow up, learn, and develop better relationship skills (I apply this to myself).
March 26, 2017 at 8:06 am in reply to: Right person wrong time for him, wrong person right time for me? #142167CraigParticipantJennifer,
I read about the lying, the in and out of the relationship, the poor communication…. Do you want to be in a relationship like that? If not, what are YOU doing to change things? What is HE doing to change things?
I understand that you have feelings for him, but a person’s behaviors (yours, his, mine, everyone’s) typically don’t change unless there is a conscious and intentional effort to make that change. Promises to change mean nothing, in my opinion. Just food for thought.
CraigParticipantHi perfect,
I can’t answer your questions about what to do, or where to go. Only one person can. I think those have to come from inside you.
I can share what it looks like to me, having read your post. I see this guy bullying you, by threatening you with his anger, his silences, and with the threat of killing himself. That doesn’t sound like love, to me. Over on your side, I see you letting him bully you, instead of standing up for yourself or walking away.
You can control what YOU do, but you can’t control what HE will do.
I’d suggest you get to work on yourself, knowing your self, owning your self, owning your power. This may be a new way to think about it. I think you don’t want to go on as things are, or else you wouldn’t have posted this.
CraigParticipantHi yogagrl, I’m not clear if you’re asking this question about men in general, as the title of your thread suggests, or if you’re mostly concerned about your specific situation. If you’re asking about men, they have the same feelings as women, though it’s very individual and men and women tend to be brought up differently.
As for your situation, I hear a lot of longing in your voice. I think you’ll more easily let go of this guy when you meet someone who you come to love as much or even more than him, whether that’s tomorrow or a year from now. Meanwhile, please keep in mind that this guy who you miss so much, had the ability to spend three intimate years with you culminating in a great birthday weekend, then end it with you in a phone call. I kinda doubt that this idea of splitting with you occurred to him for the first time between your birthday and the phone call. Would you really want someone back who keeps that kind of secret from you?
CraigParticipantSusana, may I share a different opinion?
I think for anything “relational,” that is, having to do with interacting with others, the PERFECT place to work on your skills is in relationships. This is just how I see it, and it may be different for you.
CraigParticipantHi Tessa, I’m sorry you’re having such a difficult time. Have you considered working with a wise psychotherapist to help you sort out all that’s going on in you and in your life?
Craig
CraigParticipantHi Heartbrokengurl,
I just ended a 3-yr relationship that was long distance. The relationship didn’t fail because of the distance, but it did kind of reinforce some avoidant behaviors my ex had. When there was something urgent to talk about, I’d typically offer to drive to her (4 hours) without a second thought but she wouldn’t want me to. If we lived in the same neighborhood, it might have been harder for her to avoid things. That being said, if someone doesn’t want to connect, being 3 miles away is no different than being 3000 miles away.
With the kind of distance you’re talking about, you can’t just jump in the car when needed. You would BOTH have to really want to work at this. I doubt it could succeed if only one person is trying to hold it together. I think lots of communication (phone, skype etc.), specific plans for when you’ll get together, specific conversations around the area of trust, and a plan for when and how to convert the long distance to no distance would be wise.
So yes, my opinion is that they CAN work, and if you’re really into this guy, consider exploring how you two might go forward.
CraigParticipantHi Susana, it sounds kind of messy to me – two people who seem to be attracted to and like one another, but who keep pushing each other away.
My first thought concerns your idea “I never really say things directly because I always want to be sure about the other person before giving a step forward.” Regardless of how he responds, YOU might feel empowered if you worked on speaking more directly, to him, and to others.
My second thought is that regrets are really, really unpleasant. So when possible, I try to make decisions so that I won’t look back with regret.
What do you think you’ll do?
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