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CraigParticipantThe great thing is that you are aware of a behavior pattern you would like to change. With you working on your side, and interacting with a guy who’s willing to do his part, you may be able to make the change you want fairly easily. Your awareness of yourself makes it possible to not reflexively repeat behaviors in yourself that you’re trying to change.
CraigParticipantI think I see. You’re trying to figure out how not to repeat behaviors that didn’t work out very well for you, particularly if you end up thinking you’ve done all the work. An analogy I heard once was that a relationship is like a boat. If only one person is rowing, then the boat will go in circles. It takes two, and it seems that you’re trying to discern when/if you’re rowing too much. Did I get that?
CraigParticipantHi Vanessa,
It sounds really stressful to be having meltdowns every day. What do you get out of staying in a situation that results in these meltdowns?
It doesn’t sound like your BF will change. What can YOU change?
Craig
CraigParticipantHi Susannah, I hear your points. Pretty much see it the same. I would add something else that was brought to my attention. Single people in their 40s and 50s tend to be more avoidant than the population of singles who are in their 20s and 30s. Saying this in an exaggerated way just to make the point: “All the good ones are taken.”
Avoiders stay perpetually in the dating pool. Certainly that was true of my ex. And trying to be honest with myself, I have been single a long time so I have to examine whether *I* am avoiding closeness and commitment. I don’t think so – I crave a heart- and intellect-based intimacy, but I am cautious to be sure. Maybe at times my caution has gotten in the way. It’s part of my path to figure this out.
CraigParticipantPoppyxo,
For the love of all that is right and holy and divine (I’m exaggerating for effect), if you want to see this guy, then just SAY SO and discuss making plans WITH him. What’s up with all the calculating?
Craig
CraigParticipantI think loneliness is becoming an epidemic. It’s been a struggle for me. I work on my part of it, the parts of my behaviors that might keep people away. But connection is more challenging when families don’t live in the same community, friends leave for jobs, etc.
How do you answer your question “how come it is so difficult?”
CraigParticipantThat’s really cool, that rumor that everyone in the U.S. has a shrink. So I Googled it, FWIW, and there are a number of surveys. Depending on which one and over what time period, it looks like less than half, closer to 25% of Americans have consulted with a mental health professional over a two year period. In England, something like 20% have consulted with a therapist. A CNN article says that seeing a therapist is the “norm” (whatever that means) in Argentina. Isn’t that interesting?
I’m fascinated by views – how cultures view each other, how countries view each other, and especially, how individuals view their partners, and how much or little these views have to do with what’s really going on.
One of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever heard is to get an *accurate* view of one’s partner, i.e., don’t project our internal stuff and judgments onto them.
CraigParticipantYou’re welcome, Susannah. And they are simply my thoughts and my experience. So, for example, even if I do think everyone needs psychotherapy, that doesn’t mean I’m right – it would simply mean that that is what I think. And to be clear, I don’t think everyone needs psychotherapy to function and be happy – I see it as one way to move toward wholeness and overall health.
I hear you about wanting a “one and only” to share life with. It the same thing for me. I think it’s an integral need, maybe even encoded in human DNA, to have a deep and abiding connection with a partner. Unfortunately we humans have learned so many ways to confound our relating. My search is for someone 1) with whom I have chemistry – that has to be there, and 2) who shares a commitment to learning and developing healthy ways of relating. If people already knew how to relate in a healthy way, then almost no one would be single. That’s the way I see it, anyway.
Could be you’re just going through a long drought period. People come and go. Hopefully someone will come into your life that you love and who loves you, and you both figure out how to be together peacefully until the end.
CraigParticipantHi Susannah,
I can share my experience as a guy, but don’t know if it will be helpful to you or not. First, I want to say that you’ve shared some things brilliantly, such as: “To tell you the truth, often my life feels quite empty and not too meaningful since I do not have a relationship. (Yeah, I love myself and some other blah blah truths.) It is just that to me life feels most fulfilling when there is deep emotional & physical connection with someone.” Well, I happen to agree, and don’t think it’s useful when if you say you’re lonely, people respond by saying you don’t love yourself enough, etc.
Anyway, this is what I have found in women as I have dated in my mid-50s: Basically, a mixture. My work environment is not good for meeting people. When I have thrown myself into hobbies and activities, I find that single women often travel in pairs and create kind of an emotional wall, and gravitate toward the model-looking, extraverted guys. Sure, I get that that is normal, but since I don’t look like a model, and I’m on the quiet side, I’ve had to try other things. On-line dating has been working for me because I’ve gotten a lot better at screening. In particular, I examine the profiles, or end up asking the women directly, if they’ve done any serious personal growth, particularly through psychotherapy. This comes out of the experience of my last relationship in which I totally loved this woman, but her behaviors were highly avoidant and she had no interest in working on herself (and never had). As a result, I don’t even want to date a “nice” woman if she hasn’t dealt with her stuff, because eventually it would come up, and I won’t go back to a situation where I have, am, and will work on myself to be the best partner possible, but my partner isn’t doing the same. Never again. But that’s just me.
Craig
CraigParticipantHi Jamie,
I hear that you feel lost and helpless. From my point of view, I don’t see you that way. My thought is that your emotional entanglement with him will go on a long time as long as you:
1. keep sleeping with him
2. keep responding to his texts or calls
3. keep thinking “it” is his fault.
So, my suggestion is that:
1. stop sleeping with him
2. stop responding to his texts or calls
3. stop blaming him – phrasing this differently, stop being mad that he won’t change – put that energy into changing yourself, and walk away from this guy.
These are just my thoughts, you’ll have to figure out what works best for you.
Craig
CraigParticipantHi Jessaimee,
What is your guess as to why you went on a chat room and started talking to someone from America? In other words, what were you seeking?
Craig
CraigParticipantDear Thomas,
Yes, I see how hard it is to let go of her, as you’re still in love with her. Your work colleague may be a very important friend to walk through this at the same time as you. A week at a time sounds reasonable. Be kind to yourself…
CraigParticipantThomas,
You want something so badly it’s practically coming out of your pores. I get it! I’ve been there myself, more than once.
Are you familiar with the chemistry of being “in love?” Google it. It’s interesting. A person in love has different chemistry going on, and fantasies of your ex, or these little teasing contacts from her, keep poking at the pleasure centers of your brain and keep you hooked on her.
She is not unequivocally coming toward you. Instead, it sounds like a big tease (even if that is not her intention).
The way out, in my humble opinion, is to stop the cycle of craving her, getting amped up when she says something you interpret as hope, and then crashing when again she reminds you that she doesn’t want you enough to do anything about it.
It’s a tough time. You’ll get through this! Be really good to yourself.
CraigParticipantHi Thomas,
All those feelings of loss, and missing her, and feeling heartbroken, can be really tough. Believe me, I’ve been there.
Can you imagine being friends with her in the true sense of friends, i.e., you wouldn’t be having secret desires to get back with her? My opinion is that as long as you have this flame for her, you can’t be friends. (I certainly may be wrong about that).
Craig
CraigParticipantThomas,
I get that you’re hurting a lot that she found a partner within two months, and that you fear that you will be sad and lonely forever. And, you’re still in love with her.
If I understand, you chose to move to a different city, and she didn’t want an LDR. I don’t see this as having to do with whose fault it is, as both of you had a role.
If you want to have a relationship with her, then I’d share different thoughts with you than if you want to be friends (without benefits and without romance or passion).
Are you clear what you want?
Craig
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