Hi Lester,

You’re welcome. I like the way you’ve been working through all this. Keep going!

Hi Hailey,

I have not experienced this particular setback, but certainly have had many experiences where my partner and I were not at the place I’d hoped for.

Would you share more about how it’s hard for your to accept that your relationship isn’t moving forward as you’d wanted?

Craig

Pearce,

I am happy that you have found my thoughts helpful. I’m interested in whatever you’d like to share!

Craig

Hi PearceHawk,

Allow me to offer some thoughts, which I think are oversimplified, but may be helpful:

I see two kinds of situations involved in forgiveness (again, I recognize I’m oversimplifying):

1. Someone who has hurt you, but you don’t have or don’t want to have a relationship with them. In this situation, your brain’s inability to forget is what is keeping you safe. The work of forgiveness, which may take some time, is the process of releasing the emotional energy of the incident so that although you won’t forget it, the emotional attachment to the incident is gone. This can take days to years depending on what happened.

2. Someone who has hurt you, but you DO want to have a relationship with them. This is more complicated. Your remembering brain will be scanning for signs that the person will repeat the behavior. With good reason! Your brain is protecting you. If you are wanting to stay in relationship with this person, you and s/he probably would have to share the process of forgiveness together. Why? Because your scanning brain, around this same person, won’t stop scanning until there’s lots of understanding of what happened, and until there are concrete changes in this person’s behavior so that your brain can relax again. Put differently, I don’t think it’s healthy to prioritize forgiveness in a situation where you’re allowing the person to hurt you over and over again. First, the behavior has to stop and to be understood. Then, with time, forgiveness is possible.

Just my thoughts.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 7 months ago by Craig.

Hi PearceHawk,

I don’t think the human brain is designed to forget painful experiences. Please hold yourself in compassion for the memories you have, and the way your brain/body is designed to take care of you.

I see forgiveness as a way of integrating past experiences into my thinking and behavior, not pretending the past experiences didn’t happen.

What is your understanding of what “should” happen if you forgive someone?

Lester,

All the signs are that she is interested in you.  I think she will be more interested in you if you take it easy at this early stage – back off of grand pronouncements of your feelings. I get the impression that you’re in a hurry for this to work – does it seem that way to you?

And, not moralizing, just speaking about biology, your health, and your body: I hope you’ll back off of the alcohol too.

Craig

Hi V,

I didn’t intend to come across as though “the” solution is for you to leave your boyfriend, or that I even know what the solution is for you. I have no idea, and no one knows what is best for you except you. Thinking about questions such as “What can YOU change?” can help to focus your thinking and energy on the enormous power already inside you when there is something you want to be different in your life (like the specific situation you’re posting about).

It seem that one thing you have decided to change is speaking up, or speaking up more emphatically, through couples therapy that you think your boyfriend is projecting his frustrations on you, and that he doesn’t realize it. I think your willingness to speak up in this way is great! Go for it!