I see this much as Inky does.

I’ll put it a different way, though, just for fun and maybe it will be helpful also.

Falling in love is very much a chemical experience. Your brain gets flooded with phenylethylamine, which is a stimulant. You feel high, confident, amazed at how perfect your love interest is. I suppose that’s how nature gets people together to procreate and perpetuate the species.

But what happens inevitably is that concentrations of phenylethylamine will fall off, and the very same person who once seemed perfect inexplicably has flaws you didn’t see before (they were there all the time).

The bad news is that one typically feels disillusionment at this stage. The good news is that now you can get busy building a real relationship based on who the person actually is.

It could be that the woman you were with for a couple years would be a happier match for you. I don’t know.

But I think comparing your wife (who’ve you known for a long time) with a woman with whom you probably never moved out of the romantic stage, is comparing apples and oranges.

Hi Jeff,

Reading your post, I saw myself in you, as recently as 4 months ago. I was in an on-again off-again relationship for 3 years with a woman whose desire to connect was much lower than mine.

I think it’s close to impossible to find someone who needs the identical amount of connection as ourselves. I think that’s okay – we can make up the “gaps” with friends, family, alone time (reading, working out, writing, being in nature, etc.).

That being said, I don’t think it’s healthy to put enormous amounts of energy into compensating for a partner whose availability is just too different from our own. In my case, I just couldn’t take it anymore, and I walked away with no regrets, having left it all on the field.

That may not be your solution. I am not making a recommendation as to what to do, except to think about whether you want to live with the amount of connection your having with her. This level is comfortable for her, but it doesn’t seem to be comfortable for you.

Hi Pearce,

I have enjoyed your posts, including this one.

My thinking around your question has changed a lot over the years. I used to have layers upon layers of complicated thoughts, and now, well not so much.

I simply want connection. I suppose that could be described in terms of connecting with myself, or connecting with Other (The Great Mystery). But for me, it comes down to the very concrete desire of wanting to connect with humans. When I am “in relationship” with healthy people, my connection with myself and with Other takes care of itself. I think this happens because we are social creatures, and in my opinion, we grow and learn best in the space of other caring human beings.

Taking it one step further, I want connection with a woman who wants, and is able to do her part to nurture connection. I have met several “nice” women over the last few months, but I am astounded at how they simultaneously want connection and do things to sabotage their desire (lying, not talking, disappearing, multidating).  Part of this is that the dating pool in middle age is disproportionately populated with avoiders, people who deal with their internal attachment anxieties by avoiding attachment.

But that’s just me. Still searching for what *I* want.

Hi Thomas,

I think it’s highly likely you will share something amazing with someone again. However, from my distant vantage point, I don’t see how you can have this with your ex as long as 1) she is with someone else (regardless of her justifications), 2) there is a lack of mutual commitment to communicate consistently, and 3) you and she don’t come up with a plan to be in the same city.

At a bare minimum, her involvement with this other guy makes it nearly impossible for you to have honest and healthy communication with her, as I doubt she is having honest and healthy communication with the other guy. Triangles are typically really toxic.

Hi Thomas,

I remember your earlier postings,  your struggles, and you working on a path to healing.

I have no idea what your ex is up to. I don’t think it matters, and it may be a waste of your energy to agonize about why she does what she does.  If I’m hearing you accurately, her behaviors are triggering a lot of upset in you. Unless she absolutely is done with her recent fling, and reliably connects with you without this hot and cold nonsense, I’d suggest that you discontinue contact with her. You could even say that to her, but beware that for a short while, she’d behave wonderfully, just enough to pull you in again.

I’m not saying that I think it’s impossible for you and she to have a healthy relationship, but I do think that what’s happening now is just teasing you.

Hi Rich,

All this sounds really good. You did some work on yourself, and now you’re thinking about opening up to the possibilities of meeting and having relationships. I don’t know you personally (obviously), but I’m not a big fan of people isolating themselves for long periods of time to get to know themselves. I think we are social creatures and that in fact, one of the best (if not THE best) way to grow is via our relationships with others. That being said, there are some who jump from relationship to relationship that I do think truly need to get out of that loop.

Regarding your question about coping with inevitable failure…. well, I’m thinking to go slowly. Get to know a few women. Enjoy them. Do things together without rushing to become a “couple.” Practice talking. Practice listening. And I think there’s some wisdom in your group therapy experience. If you could find a similar situation, or make new buddies and platonic female friends (like in clubs with people who have similar interests), that probably would again give you some healthy support.

It sounds like overall you’re in a decent place and looking forward.

Craig

Daniela,

I hope that posting about this helps you to feel better. I expect it will be a process for you, as it is for most of us who have been involved with and deeply loved someone, but the feelings and actions weren’t mutual.

So first, give yourself lots of compassion. It may be that when you moved away the first time, that started kind of a downward spiral in your relationship with this guy. But, I’m sure you were doing your best at the time. You made the best decision you could with what you knew then. It’s normal to wish you’d done things differently, but you did what you did, and when you’re ready, you’ll stop agonizing over your decisions of the past.

Meanwhile, the quality of a relationship is never the responsibility of only one person. This guy had a role too. I’m not saying that you should shift into an attitude of blame, but in the hopes that you don’t continue to shoulder so much of the failure of this relationship by yourself.

Craig