Actually, no. The extents to which I understand her, and she understands me, seem to have been done the old fashioned way, by talking and sharing experiences.

She has remarked a number of times that I seem to understand her, but it’s because I try to listen to what she says and watch what she does.

Similarly, I think her understanding of me has been earned by conversation and experience.

And when differences have arisen , like when I don’t understand her jokes, etc., she becomes quite upset and concludes the relationship isn’t viable.

Anita, I’m not always sure. My guess is that both women primarily left out of fear, but one of them may have included an attempt to punish me. My best understanding of the fear is that they are afraid that I am not trustworthy, so they in turn get scared and instead of dealing with it with me, they run away and/or withdraw.

May I give a couple examples? The simplest example was when one of my exes googled my name. Somebody with my exact name and who lived in a region I had lived, had killed somebody in an auto accident. The court case was on-line. My ex concluded that this person was me (it was not) and was angry and irritable to me because I had not divulged this to her. Well I had not divulged it to her because it was not me. Even when she eventually told me, and I explained it wasn’t me, it took her a long time to separate her imagining that it was me from the fact that it was not me.

My more immediate concern is seeing if I can salvage my recent relationship and get it thriving. Out of anger, I ended it because I couldn’t take the silence any more. We had a repeated pattern. She will not talk on the phone Monday through Friday (when due to jobs and children, we don’t see each other in person), and only texts. This is partly because she just doesn’t like talking on the phone, and partly because English is not her first language so it is easier for her to text. Her culture may play a part in her use of silence. Anyway, this is the pattern: We will be texting. She will text something that in her mind is a joke. I don’t know that it’s a joke. It’s not obvious from the words, and I can’t see her face or eyes or hear her voice. Thus I react as if she’s just texted something that is not a joke. Then she becomes upset because I did not understand what was in her mind. Typically, she will say that we don’t have the same sense of humor (though we laugh all the time in person), will cut the texting short, and stop texting or communicating for a day or two. Sometimes longer. Then she goes to the place of saying that I’m not the “right one” for her because she wants a soulmate who empathizes with her perfectly. Sigh.

Nobody comes off-the-shelf ready for another person. It takes time and effort and patience to develop deep understanding. I’m terribly sad because I think we could have the kind of close, reliable, understanding relationship that we both want, but we can’t get there by not communicating.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Craig.
• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Craig.

Mark,

I’m embarrassed! I did the silly thing of referencing “internet wisdom” – an article I’d read made the point that the dating population of older folks is mostly populated by avoidants. Thanks for challenging me on that – maybe it’s not the case. Even if it is, that doesn’t change what I have to do.

I have tended to select people based on chemistry and kindness. But I think I have to be more insistent about your third criterion, awareness. What I experience with people who haven’t grappled with their stuff is that when their reptilian brains go nuts (as all of ours do from time to time, I believe), they tend to look outside themselves for the source of their pain. Who is closest and “appear” most likely to be the cause? Their partner, so watch out!

A few years ago, a counselor recommended that I only explore having a relationship with women who had done psychotherapy. I ignored her advice. I am now seriously thinking I need to listen to her advice.

Thanks for your thoughts!