Strawberry,
Do not fret, you are not in this alone! All of your points are valid concerns, and I am sorry you feel unworthy. While I am all for doing a 180 and completely changing your life around, it may not be necessary. I think the reason you are feeling so “stuck” is because you’re unsatisfied and self-conscious about your lifestyle. You see others around you who are “better off”, are “more successful”, etc. But this is just your perception! None of that is true. Where you are now, is perfect. You have everything within you to feel happy and content, but it seems as though you have lost the ability to find fulfillment. I want to address each of your points, and show you how you can keep your job while you find happiness until you figure things out. There is no rush on this lifelong journey, and who knows if 30 is your halfway point! Each day needs to count.
1) You are feeling guilty. At some point in your life, you must have adopted the belief that since you have privileges (a job, money, health), you must give back and feel guilty for your life. Wrong! You have no reason to feel guilty. You worked hard to get where you are, you’re successful, and you should be proud. You can make a difference every day too. I urge you to look up “small acts of kindness”. There are so many things you can do day-to-day that may not seem as detrimental as saving lives, but you never know when you are doing just that. Making somebody smile is one way you can help alleviate suffering, start there.
2) Everyone needs to express themselves creatively in some way. Which is your preferred way? Art? Music? Dance? There are thousands of hobbies which you can use to express yourself, and which will bring you fulfillment. Personally, I love gardening, and this helps me stay sane despite working over 50 hours per week. Without expression, of course, you will feel stuck!! We humans need art! I recommend the book, “The Artists Way” by Julia Cameron.
3) The reason you feel trapped in your loop is also your perception, I’m afraid. Routine is highly effective for the human body, actually, and sleeping/eating/etc. at regular times are quite good for you. If you want to shake up your routine, I recommend waking up early! I know, I know, this seems crazy. But it feels so good to get up early and do fun things before the rest of the world has even had their first cup of coffee. Read this, it might inspire you: https://zenhabits.net/10-benefits-of-rising-early-and-how-to-do-it/. Also, I’m not sure if you’re into gardening/homesteading, but I also recommend the book “Made From Scratch: Discovering the Pleasures of a Handmade Life” by Jenna Woginrich. She was a late-twenty-something in a corporate 9 to 5 job who had the same crisis as you. Instead of leaving her job, she kept it, and fulfilled her dreams of having a homestead in the morning/afternoon hours! Honestly, be selfish with your extra time! You work to support yourself, but also so that you can have fun! Without having fun, you’re not truly living.
4) This might sound bad… but NEVER listen to other people rather than yourself. Not even me. From your post, it sounds like you truly know that you aren’t happy. Good! Listen to YOU! You have intuition, and you should follow this. Read this article https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-16951/7-tricks-to-uncover-trust-your-intuition.html/ Other people have advice that is valid, but every person in the world has a different opinion, and what makes them right? There is no right or wrong decision. Every decision is a good one as long as you are making it, not other people. Don’t let them make you feel you’re doing something irrational. Only the wild ones make “stupid” decisions; “swim against the current” (my middle school yearbook quote 😉 ).

5) One day at a time, my friend. Everything will work out. Yes, life will change, and we can’t do anything about it. “The only thing we can count on is change”. No job is reliable. If you are worried about your job not being as reliable as everyone says it is, consider doing something on the side! Even though I work 50+hours a week, I still babysit most weekend nights. This is a nice source of income, but I do it mostly for the satisfaction of hanging out with children. Sign up for care.com or something like that. I think you would benefit from the great wisdom of children. They find satisfaction in the mundane.

6) Hmm… I think most of your stress is created from the high standards you hold of yourself. Check out lonerwolf.com (specifically on the articles concerning self love and the shadow self), poke around tinybuddha (the articles AND the forums), read some Buddhist text like “The Wisdom of No Escape” by Pema Chodron, “Against the Stream” by Noah Levine, and “Peace is Every Step” by Thich Nhat Hanh. You have the power to find happiness, and you need to stop comparing yourself so harshly to others, my friend! Having a house, car, and husband may be the “American dream”, but it doesn’t have to be your dream. You have everything you need inside of you. Love yourself, no matter what. Love yourself during your “success”, during your “failure”, it is all the same. You are doing great, so love yourself, and accept this moment as it is! Trust yourself, you know best, and don’t let others affect YOUR life. You might only get one! And having a strong support system always helps. Your family and friends should support you no matter what decision you make, and if they don’t, then you need to find people who do.

7) Don’t we all! Childhood was so nice! But who is to say you can’t embrace your life like a child anyway? Example: bring a fancy sandwich to lunch and have a playdate scheduled after work, I promise they will make your day THAT much better ;-).

My friend, you are not in a crisis. You are in the pre-awakened phase. You are now on your journey to self-acceptance, happiness, satisfaction and enlightenment. I am not saying that quitting your job is the first step, but this whole chaotic confusion in your head is the first step. Love yourself through this journey, take each day one at a time, trust yourself, and find joy in each step. Good luck!

Anita,

I am new to the forums and have seen your thoughtful and engaging replies often, you are truly inspiring. I consider you a therapeutic volunteer, truly. I am curious about your life, who you are. Do you write on here so often because you work from home? Do you find fulfillment by helping others? Do you have loving family members now despite your troubling past? You seem like a fascinating soul.

Myself, I am a young adult with an old soul. I love spending time in nature and care about the environment, I love coffee in the mornings, I enjoy eating healthy food and doing things like yoga, and my little sisters are my best friends. I have a mother with a multipersonality disorder who has brought challenges and lessons to my life. I consider myself very spiritual and love reading, listening, observing, and communicating with books, music, art and people that help me learn more about humanity. I also feel a strong desire to help others thrive despite any suffering they face. It is hard to summarize myself, even though I’ve only been around a mere 18 years!

Thank you for all you do.

Kathleen

Dani,

Please know that sharing your story has a larger impact than you might realize. Keep sharing it.

I feel that a lot of adults like myself can relate to your story. As kids, others would look at our situation and consider it idyllic. I too never went hungry, always had materialistic gifts, heat/ac and a roof over my head, I had a good education, and was never sexually/physically abused. There is so much I am grateful for. However, the emotional and psychological abuse from my mother caused me so much suffering. There has been a constant war in my head because I am grateful for my blessings and for my mother but I cannot validate how she treats me and my sisters. I know now that she faced childhood trauma and experiences something like bipolar disorder, but we’ve talked on numerous occasions yet she still hasn’t sought help. I am also bisexual, which caused my father to ignore me whenever my mother was abusing me. There is only so much we can do as the children of unstable parents.

I am proud of you for making it through your years in a toxic household with unsupportive parents. People like us have hidden stories that make us stronger, and we are all courageous. We are in this together.

Warm regards,

Kathleen