Zariah:

Wow. Exactly. As you asked those questions, I felt happiness because all of those things make me HAPPY. In fact, if I had all of those things… this guy would probably resent me. He would stop me from travelling because he can’t, he won’t want me to have a good job because he can’t. My mind is tired…drained for even still having thoughts like this. 3 years ago i said i wouldn’t be here, but look where i am, here. In the same spot, and literally its the same thing. Nothing has changed. Actions speak louder than words has been a saying that I have been trying to really resonate, i believe it is true, but his actions never match his words and that is why i cannot believe/trust him. He just told me he wanted to marry me and that even that we are not together right now, he still sees me as a girlfriend and does not want me dating. But his actions? I go to him, he never comes to me. He ignores my texts. He goes out instead of wanting to spend time. He says he has no money and makes me pay, but yet he spends his money on alcohol, etc… this is sad.

Anita:

Correct. Perfect summary.

No. I never experienced that in my childhood, so i do not know where the need to stay and “fix” things comes from.

Hi Anita:

In a sense, yes. My therapist asked me in a perfect world, how would I feel and be having him in my life. Well, in a perfect world we would have a clean slate, the past wouldn’t be brought up, and we would both trust each other. Plus, my family and friends would accept him. It does not work like that though, I have reintroduced him into my life 3 times already, my loved ones do not trust him. My parents said if I were to go back to him, they would not want me around because they do not want to see me ruin my life. Back to the main question though, does the hope of him changing motivate me? Yes. Have I realized I cannot change him? Yes. It bothers me that I understand and realize I need to let go, but do not want to believe it. Right now, this past weekend, he accused me of being out with guys, hooking up, while he was the one that was out ignoring my texts…I let it be. This morning I wake up to an accusation of me hanging out with a guy last night… I am not sure. I hate this state of confusion.