Hi Anita,

I think you’re right – this in-between stage is definitely causing increased anxiety and stress – it’s not healthy for me. Next time I see him in person I will be sure to clarify and say the final words. I like your analogy of the flower picking, that is definitely what it feels like I am doing. From this point forward, I will be sure to clarify things so we can both move on with our lives peacefully and without as much stress and anxiety.

Lillian

Anita,

It’s amazing to me how accurately you are able to pinpoint the issues I am currently facing. You’re right – I am scared of things that haven’t yet happened, and may never happen even if we do decide to breakup. Are you suggesting to tell myself I’m not afraid and embrace everything that comes my way rather than worry about the fears? I guess I have been so focused on my fears, I have not even been able to think rationally about the entire situation. I am letting my fears override everything.

Reading over your plan, it makes perfect sense. I had always figured I would need to sort out these things all on my own (ie. not talking to the coach, mutual friends, or my boyfriend about the situation and why it scares me). Having a plan of action already lessens my anxiety around the situation. Talking with the people in my social circle (including my boyfriend) will help me prepare for anything that comes my way. I think your advice is definitely something I need to put into action.

Thank-you so incredibly much for your advice. This is such an amazing community to receive so much support from. You have really helped me become less scared, feel like I am taking life into my own hands, and see the positives of my situation. I am so grateful. xxx

Anita,

Thank-you for asking the tough questions and making me reflect on my emotions and beliefs critically. Yes, I am afraid that my athletic performance will suffer because I would have to see my potential ex during training and at events. However, I am also scared of being alone and not being able to distance myself from his life. Our lives are so intertwined with athletics, and it’s not the best option for us (athletically) to change coaches. I’m scared of having to see him so often, watch him interact with our mutual friends positively, and keep going with my life pretending as though we were never together. After three years, I’m not sure how to be alone, especially because our social circles are almost identical. If it were possible to just cut off contact completely I think it would be easier for me to manage. I just know that’s not an option for us, and the thought of seeing him so often and knowing what he is up to in his life also scares me.

Valora,

I appreciate you sharing your personal experience as well, it sounds identical to mine currently. I guess I never looked at our situation in that light, I had always thought if we meet in the middle on our needs we will be able to make it work. It makes sense how this can lead to further disruption and a potential break in our relationship because we are both not getting what we need from the relationship. You’re absolutely right, a true and honest conversation can help us determine where we are as a couple and whether or not we can make it work. I wouldn’t want to leave him hanging, as it seems your partner did to you, without any direction or true discussion on our needs and how they’re not being met. Thank-you for your honest advice. I will talk with him this week. Although I am not looking forward to this difficult discussion, I now know it will be worth it in the end, no matter the outcome. xxx

Hi Mark,

Sorry for not responding to your comment sooner. I see what you’re saying – this is my first long-term relationship so part of me is unsure as to whether or not the feelings of not being completely open and honest (even if it means we’re on different pages) is normal or not. It is great to hear your perspective on this. It is sad that we have not been able to be completely honest with each other, I guess the thought of losing one and other scares both of us. But as you say, this might indicate a lack of deep intimacy.

In terms of your first post, we were together for about one year, apart for half of a year, then together for just under two years. When we were apart we noted communication problems as the concern and decided we would work on these things separately. As I look back, I now realize it was more than just communication, but also boundary setting, being honest about needs etc. I think we have both fallen into the trap of relying on the other person to meet our needs instead of meeting them ourselves, as you’ve pointed out in the Marshall Rosenberg Non-Violent Communication model. It seems because our needs were not communicated we have just come to expect certain things from each other even when the topic at hand has not been discussed.

I looked up what you mean by Love Languages, and also find it interesting. I completely agree that his main love language is quality time. I would say that mine is as well, but likely just in differing amounts of time. This is something we will need to talk about to see if we can come to an agreement on.

Thank-you very much for your helpful advice, I am truly grateful. xxx