Hello Anita

thank you very much for sharing your thoughts. Looking back now I do agree with you that the email was manipulative and was trying to make me at fault that I should take the whole responsibility for our breakup. And I DID! I told him and reassured him several times that I was determined to get better and make changes for our relationship. He never responds to any of my “getting back together”, nor “is it really over?” type of messages.

However, I do not understand why he had to do this – to guilt trip me. All I was asking was just a clear answer and clean cut so we could both have closure to move on in separate ways.

I feel he keeps giving me mixed signals to lead me on while he is trying to figure out what he should do next/before he is fully recovered from the breakup. If that’s the case, he’s really selfish.

Everything was great the day before we broke up. We had a really nice videochat for two hours straight. We talked about so many random things, laughed so much. A week before we became separate, he was still telling me almost everyday that he loved me so much, reassuring me that we would survived the long distance… I just don’t understand.. if he really loved me as he said, how can he lead me on like this? Maybe deep inside he is upset for all the pain I have caused him? Maybe he doesn’t want to be the bad guy? Maybe he’s too coward to take the responsibility? I don’t know…

• This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by Connie.

Hello Eliana

I agree with you. If he wants me back, he will try harder.

As you suggested, I responded with a friendly greeting eventually and decided not to keep my hopes up anymore.

– Rox

I want to thank you very much for your sincere words. I have read your posts can totally understand everything you went through.

You are right, love is never begged. I did so much crying, begging and stuff that I didn’t even like myself anymore. Every word in your reply is so powerful. I have decided to let go and set myself free, to love myself and find happiness.

– Macy

I have done a lot of thinking and realized closure has to come from myself. Ever since we broke up, I have tried my best to make it so easy for him to come back. Maybe the fight was his last straw. Maybe he didn’t want to continue this relationship with long distance. There are so many possible reasons. But one thing is for sure – he doesn’t want it anymore and I can’t allow myself to be led on.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by Connie.

Macy

Thank you for the reply.

This is why it’s been so difficult for me to let go. Everything was great right before we broke up. We were talking about making trips, visiting his parents overseas, getting married and some other life plans, etc. I didn’t feel he was pulling away. The day before we broke up, we had a really nice chat on FaceTime for two hours straight. How things have developed is totally out of the blue to be honest.

Like every couple, we have had our issues and worked really hard to over come those obstacles. Some couples take shorter time, some longer, and I guess we are one of the longer ones. The day we had fight, he felt that our problems/issues never got resolved and we were not making progress as a couple.

His silence makes me wonder if it’s just his coward way to deal with our breakup, which I really don’t understand, either. He’s a very straight forward person, sometimes even too straight to hurt other people’s feelings.

I just hoped so much that we could have one last peaceful talk to end things together. He means a lot to me and we have had so much together. I really can’t pretend nothing ever happened and let go.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by Connie.

When it comes to giving silent treatment as a punishment, I wonder if they are actually aware of the fact that they are punishing people.

I discussed this with him many times in the past that I felt his silent was a punishment for me. He said that he wasn’t trying to punish me but needed some time to clear his head. I used to beg him to come back when he ignored me, telling him that I couldn’t live without him and perhaps my begging was the fuel that kept his silent going.

My last email to him

_________________________________

What I ultimately want is finding peace and happiness within, then being able to make people I care about, including you, happy. I did not and do not want to break up.

I know I made a lot of mistakes in our relationship. I have been using sources to reflect/practice myself and feeling really calm and peaceful already. I would like to share my improvements with you, if possible.

I still care about you a lot and do not want to see you suffer, not at all. I want you to be happy, too! My heart is still with you.

Nevertheless, please take good care of yourself and slow down a bit if you are too stressed out. “YOU” are the most important asset. Without you, those success and wealth will be pointless. There are a lot of people who truly care about and love you, including me.

If you still want to visit me, you will be more than welcome!

_______________________________

I got tired of begging him and crying. He’s a workaholic and doesn’t have many friends. All I wanted to do was to send him some positive energy and hope this helps him realize that blaming or punishing each other is not a solution to a better relationship. I also feel I have done the most part on my end. The rest will be his.

Hello Anita,

I tend to get verbally abusive when I am upset. I told him that I wanted to break up several times because I couldn’t feel he cared for me. That was my insecurity issue and I pushed him away in oder for him to come back and reassure things. But I never wanted to break up. It’s just when I am angry, I can’t control whatever comes out of my mouth 🙁  (thats why I have decided to start practicing mindfulness.)The reason he felt that breaking up was something I ultimately wanted was probably because I had mentioned it many times in the past.

The argument caused the break-up:

He was upset that I called him too many times and texted him saying I didn’t feel he cared for me. (I did that because I waited for 8 hours for him to call/text me back. It was our first week of long-distance, I was really insecure)

He told me he felt he was trying hard to check on me but it was never enough and would stop texting me in the future. I then asked him how he would like to keep communication in the future. He just said he would stop doing anything. I asked him what we should do. He replied “have a good night.”

I said “then I guess that’s it.”

He “What? so you want to break up again? better that way?”

I said no. He then said he didn’t want to argue with me because he had a really rough day.

I asked him “is it over? do you want to break up?” He said “sure.” “if you have to ask, then yes”

I tried calling him to talk on the phone. He wouldn’t pick up my calls and texted me back “if you keep calling me, I will block your number,” but soon apologized he didn’t want to be rude and just wanted to avoid drama.

At this point, I should have left him alone but I didn’t. I told him to block my number. I did this because I couldn’t stop the urge to keep calling him, so I figured perhaps for him to block me temporary could leave both of us some quiet time. He didn’t block my number but I was exhausted from the drama so I left him alone eventually.

I felt I tried to communicate with him but all he did was shutting me out. I also know I should have controlled my temper better and really listened to what he wanted, but I didn’t. I just let my emotions explode till it was too late.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by Connie.

Hi all,

Thanks again for your kind words and encouragement. I understand the key is to learn from the experience.

I have signed up a program and started practicing mindfulness. Hopefully this will help me with my emotion control in the future 🙂