@moodring that response was really raw and genuine. I love it. But would you be more comfortable writing in a bit less public of a forum as you seem to be getting into some really personal stuff?

If so feel free to email me my Google chat/email is amazingjoe

@gmail.com

Enshi

I would like to understand more about this protective shell you have around yourself and this friend if yours that wants to get closer. Is this friend male and do you get the sense that (on the other side of the shell) he may be partially interested in you because he likes you?

Do you think its possible that different guys can have different preferences in what they find beautiful? Do you believe that two guys can see the same person and one think she is beautiful and one not? How about the other way around, can one guy see a girl and think she is reasonably attractive and another say that she is really attractive because they like different things?

If so then you may find you feel like I do, that everyone sees everyone differently and no two people are viewed the same by anyone. Therefore if everyone (including yourself) judges beauty differently who’s opinion is the one that counts? Do any of the opinions count?

What your ex did does not define you in any way because his opinion and the way he sees things is something that is completely unique to him and their are billions of other people on the planet who absolutely see things differently. Some of those people would certainly disagree with your assessment of looks instead thinking you have the more attractive qualities. Why can’t they be the ones who are right? Are you perhaps just choosing to select the perception that matches your mood when it pertains to something as individual as what someone thinks is attractive?

I think you might be.

I’m not saying you should not keep up the cocoon. Just consider letting that friend of yours inside for a while… I’ve been in that situation before (on the outside of the cocoon) and I desperately wanted in. I poured my heart out, and it was a no-go, I couldn’t penetrate it. For this other guy, I hope you give him a chance.

It was supposed to say happen But the autocorrect changed the wrote and I didn’t catch it

Alexy, people are best at being themselves and suck longterm when they have to act fake. So do yourself a favor and find the girls who want you just the way you are.

I think it’s a problem of perspective. You sell yourself short and i think you put others into positions they rather not be in. Let me explain.

You try and seek if the other girl wants to be in a relationship with you. Essentially you are making her the judge of you with your feelings in the balance. I don’t think most girls (especially at that age) want to be responsible for your feelings or live up to these not fully expressed expectations.

So I think you need to learn to flip things around and be more compassionate for these girls many of whom are dealing with a challenging time in life as they get adjusted to maturing into adulthood. Which means you have to take the lead.

From this point forward YOU need to be the one who figure out for himself if a girl meets all the criteria you want. For example, does she click with you, how do you feel around her, does she seem like she is a caring person, do you think she shares your values, etc. The difference here is you are actively trying to figure these things out as you talk and observe her in real time (not in your imagination).

If you are concerned with what she might think of you then you are missing the important thing here. Is she right for you? You don’t know unless you ask all the questions and have time to observe. If you are hinting that you might want a relationship at some point and you have not answered this question then you are asking her to leap in so you feel comfortable while you don’t really know what you should know because you are spending way too much time in your own head. You are making her take the lead. Girls like that about as much as you asking them where they want to go.

YOU need to make a list of all the qualities that you think are ideal. Know what you want and explore to see if you find those qualities. And it shouldn’t be something you can figure out quickly so that means you may need to be curious for quite a while. Which also means since it will take time you should try and enjoy the process and keep things light until you know this girl may have what it takes to emotionally invest more.

Second be transparent. Hey I like to have fun, I love to make new friends but know this about me, I am always on the lookout for that someone special. It takes me a while to figure out if the person I see potential in may have all the things I am looking for but if she does then I won’t shy away from expressing it and seeing if she feels the same way.

If we become friends and that’s all that is cool. If we find we both want to become more well that’s cool too, but let’s just enjoy seeing what happens.

I think for your personality that gives them the perfect amount of transparency and space that they will need. And you will be taking the lead and telling them you will be considerate before asking them to take a leap of faith, that you will give them the space to be whatever with you that they may want and they have no expectation to have to be judge and jury with your feelings in the balance. In short they have the courtesy of being free to think of themselves and what they want without a consequence to you.

Hope that was not to wordy, but taking care of your needs first and being direct abput ii is actually less selfish than unwittingly putting them in the position of holding your future feelings in the balance.

Get the book. Change your perspective to take care of yourself while still being compassionate to others and go kick some ass!

Skye sorry to hear about all the turmoil, that sounds pretty tough. I would be careful About how you interpret your feelings for the other guy when you are going through something difficult.

Think about an ideal future for yourself and your child. Is this abusive guy part of the vision? If not then one step likely will be to break up. Don’t get caught up on guy one vs guy two. The answer is fix your situation and see what opportunities present themselves. Uncertainty can be scary so you will need to be brave.

I can definitely relate to having felt lonely before and wanting a bigger social circle. Sometimes we just need to be with others to recharge and occasionally reflect. I would like to hear more about the sorts of things you feel when you see what others are doing (i.e. via Facebook). I’m also very curious how you feel about feeling the way you do. Sometimes its not so much the content of how we feel but how we relate to how we feel that can be difficult.

I suggest reading this article: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/compassion-matters/200911/differentiation-living-life-your-own-terms and see if you feel like you can relate to some of what is being said. If so then like me you might find a tremendous amount of peace in reading a really great book called The Four Agreements which helped me with my personal need to better differentiate myself.

On a complete tangent I find it so interesting how many elements of psychology touch on elements conceived of and taught centuries ago. You have my support in your journey.