To reiterate the points made by other posters. i do believe that he is being genuine in what he says his intentions are. There are just some people who have a tendency to avoid intimacy and believe it or not do that by having sex with lots of people or trying to objectify the relationship to avoid that intimacy.

If you enjoy the liaisons then by all means keep doing what you enjoy. But if you have an idea in your mind that you are hoping for some sort of different future than what you have then do not fool yourself. He is getting exactly what he envisions and you are settling for a vision you may not want and a hope for a future that won’t be realized with him. Not a good deal for you.

Just like guys who are often mostly after sex have fears of intimacy I think they attract mates who sometimes are on the other end of the spectrum (afraid of not having intimacy). The two seem to attract each other but are rarely that great a fit for each other.

if you are interested there is a fantastic book that opened my eyes: http://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139 and it will help anyone interested in why they fall for the wrong people, may find themselves in a pattern of unsatisfying relationships and how to course correct and find the right person that will give them the greatest amount of satisfaction.

Best of luck to you, please don’t settle for less than you deserve.

Evelyn sorry to hear about your struggles. I certainly hope you continue to pursue that which makes you happy. You definitely do succeed in some things. For example getting into College and Cosmetology schools. I think it’s great you started thinking big picture.

Maybe talking to your family could help? Are they generally supportive?

You sound like you have what you need to make it but are just going through some tough times.

M@ry how do you feel about yourself given the fact that you read all these books, do all these activities, feel lonely and dream about your ex (that you don’t want)?

I ask because sometimes its not our feelings but our relationship to our feelings that make the difference.

Do you forgive yourself for being in this situation? Is it ok that you would feel sad and have a tough time for a bit before bouncing back?

• This reply was modified 10 years, 11 months ago by Joseph.

Sorry to hear that you are feeling sad. Relationships and breaking up can be hard.

A couple of hopefully helpful thoughts. It may not be the fake you that she was most comfortable with but one specific aspect of the facade, it kept distance and space between you two. Some people avoid intamacy and are scared by it.This could be the situation you are in. Give her space, choose a new direction in life and you may just see her again.

As for you, you mentioned being intertwined. This is not necessarily a great thing. There is a really good book called The Four Agreements which I highly recommend. It will help you not judge yourself so much based on others reflections of you and also free you from needing these attachments.

Anna,

You are not your past actions, you are not the physical or emotional pains you feel. You are not the thoughts you have in your head (strange as that may sound). You are just a being who has had actions in the past, that feels things physically, that feels emotion, that thinks (probably too often). But none of those things are you.

I’m sure you have had times where you have observed a feeling as it popped up, or noticed that you are thinking in a particular pattern that is common. That part of you that notices the thinking, that is you. Not the anger, or regret, those are neurons firing in your head. But consciousness (as much as I love science) can’t be explained very well. Whatever that is, that is you, and once you can observe that which you are not (your thoughts, feelings, actions, past) you will in a sense free yourself to feel differently.

The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle is very helpful for understanding this perspective.

You’re not a terrible person by the way, terrible people have a tendency to not care that they might be terrible, that level of potential empathy and self awareness kind of disqualifies you from membership in the terrible person club.

Hi Kristy,

Sometimes we fall in love with being in love. Its not a bad thing, your feelings are all ok. The only thing to think about, and its easier for someone to say then it is for someone to follow but you are making two decisions in this situation.

You are making the choice to seek out new attention from this past flame. And its totally ok for you to make that choice for yourself.

But you are also making a second choice.

You are making the choice for your husband that he won’t leave you even though you do this because you don’t share the truth with him. You absolutely have the right to feel and take the actions you want, but you shouldn’t make the choice for your husband. You should allow him to know what your actions are so he can then make his choices for himself.

Online dating is pretty main stream these days. I suggest trying it out. You don’t have to give out any of your information unless you are comfortable. And of course if you don’t know someone I’d meet in public or take a friend along.

For now if you like the meet up idea go with that. Talk to some of your friends about their thoughts on online dating as well, I’m sure some must have some experience.

Breathe Deeply,

When you are removed from the situation and alone, are you good at creating a plan for how to handle similar situations (or future situations). For example. Say you have an encounter with a co-worker, once you are removed and you have time to think about it, are you good at following through with a strategy or do you end up on autopilot the next time you see them?