AJ ~ First of all, kudos to you for caring enough about your friendship to want to save it; that says a lot about you as a person and a friend.

I’m not an expert, but I’ve done TONS of research because I have determined that I’m currently in a relationship with a narcissist, and am in the midst of trying to find the strength to break it off. I found your entry to hit home, because I, too, am in the midst of trying to find the strength to end it; and am looking for external advice although I know in my heart what I need to do. From what I’ve learned, everything you wrote screams that John is a narcissist. Be thankful that you were able to “diagnose” it, because they have a way with messing with your head which makes you question everything (if you haven’t done so already, Google the term “gas lighting” as it relates to narcissists – very interesting and therapeutic!).

Remember that narcissists are very magnetic, strong, and manipulative people. There is a reason you were drawn to him in the first place; they are great at drawing people to them. But then they fulfill their soul by damaging yours; is that the kind of person you want in your life?

Also realize that it is almost uncanny how, as soon as you find the strength to start to end the relationship, they sense it and do whatever they can to reel you back in. You must remember it’s not because they care about you as a person or your friendship; they care about nothing but themselves and what you have to offer them. They find empowerment in the power they have over you, and if you start to pull away that’s a direct threat.

I had a friend that gave me some great advice after I wrote her an email that sounded a lot like your letter. I have two young nieces that I love more than anything on earth; and my friend said, “Read that letter again and pretend it was your niece writing to tell you about the relationship she’s in….what would you tell her?” Of course, when I imagined it was my beloved little angel in this relationship and writing these words to me for advice, I would scream “GET OUT NOW!” But when it’s me, it’s not so easy. For some reason, it’s so much easier to protect those that we love than it is to protect ourselves. Read your letter again, and pretend it’s a dear friend, a sister, a brother, someone you care about….what would you tell them?

And, as another friend said: In a way, it doesn’t matter whether he is a narcissist or not. It doesn’t matter whether you can diagnose him. The bottom line is this: he makes you unhappy and he smothers your soul. Nothing else matters. He is a toxic person in your life, and you don’t need that. Just because you have a history, it doesn’t mean you need to continue to allow him to treat you this way. He served a purpose in your life at one time; now it’s time to close that chapter and move on.

But, in a way, it DOES matter if he really is a narcissist or not; because “normal” people might be open to changing, and therefore trying to save your friendship would be worth your time and effort. But a narcissist will never, ever change. They don’t believe they need to; they see nothing wrong and even if they do, they don’t care. Everything I’ve read says that narcissists can’t be “fixed.” You said yourself that John isn’t open to changing and has no desire to improve. A classic symptom of narcissism, but again; bottom line is, it doesn’t matter. He doesn’t want to change. You’re not happy with how things are. It’s really that simple. And yet, as I know first-hand, it’s not. 🙁

I think this paragraph that you wrote says it all: “I was a confident person before meeting John but after constantly feeling the disapproval of my friend and being called arrogant for something as simple as attempting to dress well, I gave up on appearances. If you were to look at John today, you’d see who I was before I met John and if you were to look at me you’d see who John was before we met. That being said, I’m on my way back to who I was, I won’t be bullied into submission anymore, I have to do the things I love and be the person I am, I can’t suppress that any longer.”

You know what you have to do. I know what I have to do. It’s so hard to find the strength to yank off that Band-Aid; but once we do, we can then get back to the vibrant, strong, incredible people we both were before our narcissists tried to smother who we are meant to be.

Good luck, and thanks for sharing your story.