Hi Hikergal,

I agree with Anita about the break up happend too quickly and part of the reason why you have these thoughts could be that there wasn’t any real closure. On the other hand, I also understand why you closed it off so quickly as that’s something I’ve done myself in the past. Rejection sucks and prolonging the humiliation seems unnecessary at the time.

I am not sure this would help but I ended up texting an ex 16 months after we broke up and she didn’t reply. Its one of those hey how are you going text but it still set me back quite a bit. I ended up double downing on yoga and it helped a lot.

Around 26 months after we broke up I ran into her at a random event and we had a chat. During that conversation, I learned that even though she initiated the break up, it was still difficult for her because I refused to be friends afterwards. She also mentioned that she didn’t date for two years and only started seeing someone recently. We talked about our old times and recent events but all I remembered thinking was I used to love this person but I felt nothing besides a mild affection towards her as we talked. It’s like visiting a house you used to live in and realise how small and damp it is even though you had great memories there. It’s great getting closure though as it stopped me romanticising that relationship in my head.

So yeah, things will get better eventually if you give yourself a chance to grief and process those emotions. My advise: don’t call unless you are emtionally prepared to take no for an answer or find out that they are dating someone else.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 3 months ago by Cognition.

It sound like you spend quite a bit of time there, which may explain why most women you meet are from work. Like you said, dating women at work is not the best idea as thing can go downhill fairly quickly from personal experience.

As for women making better choices, I think it’s safe say that their likelihood of making a mistake in partner is far greater than men simply because they generally have more options. Take Internet dating for example, on average women are 30-50 times more likely to be approached than men. If you have 50 women hitting on you on a regular basis, I’d say it would be hard to pick a winner all the time. In fact, I would say women are probably better at this than men since we tend to be visual creatures.

The other consideration here is that if you expect every woman in the world to change your tune before diving in, you probably want to sit down. With your work it sounds like it’s going to be pretty hard to take the armour off in that environment so if you want to dig deeper, it maybe worthwhile to go to a new environment for a while like a holiday. It’s unrealistic to expect personal growth when everything around you is the same. As the saying goes, we don’t drown by falling in the water, we drown by staying there.

Hey there,

Generally speaking, most men (myself included) are analytical creatures that thinks in terms of cost/benefits and be in control of situations. These traits are great in business but kinda suck when trying to establish a relationship.

Think about it in terms of being on the panel of a job interview. Every candidate you interview are qualified to do the job (otherwise why would you interview them?) but the one you end up hiring have a little something special that push them over the line. In most cases, it’s not because of their capabilities (though you may tell yourself that) but that somehow, you can see that this person will be good to work with and a fit in the team. In another words, you feel an emotional connection with this person

Now applying this to the dating world, I would imagine that the women you are attracted to are not the ones that need a roof over their head or wonder where their next meal is coming from. So the whole having a good job thing is nice and get you a date but it’s definately no guarentee for a relationship.

So the tricky question is, what gets you across the finish line? Firstly, accept that not every woman who agrees to date you will want a relationship with you because sometimes the chemistry is just not there and ppl at their 40s will not want to wastes their time forcing a connection. Secondly, if you are wearing an emotional armour to a date, women can usually see it a mile away and immediately file you under the too hard basket. When someone is unable to be authentic in their interaction with others (and you can’t do this unless you are willing to be vulnerable) it sets off all kinds of alarm bells because people will suspect what you are trying to hide which can range from a broken heart to a secret dungeon in your backyard. It also suggests a lack of confidence to be yourself which is a turn off for most people.

Though books can help somewhat, emotional intelligence is more art than science. It’s scary to give someone a piece of yourself to hurt you and there is never any guarantee for success. But if you think about it, most woman have the courage to be in a relationship with a man, bear his children knowing that he could turn around and leave anytime or worst, abuse her, the risk men have to take compared to that is fairly minor.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 3 months ago by Cognition.

Hi Brock,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and reading what you wrote, it sounds like your focus in the last few years has been on your family. The question I have is who do you confide in when things are not going well in your family? Sometimes when we place a lot of emphasis in one particular relationship (e.g. family, work, romance), it can put a lot of pressure on the relationship because your happiness becomes dependent on it. When that occurs, every minor issue becomes a big one and you become obsessive about everything that happens in the relationship, wondering what you can do to make it work. Eventually, the relationship will collapse under the weight of this pressure because the harder you push, the faster the other person will run. If you ever felt frustrated about being the one who does all the work in a relationship, you will know what a crappy feeling that is.

So rather than focusing on the relationship, a suggestion I have is to work on yourself. Cultivate friendship with other people as it provides an opportunity to debrief, get support and see things in a different perspective. Find your purpose so that you are not just playing through the mechanics of life. People that are deep into their passions and purpose are far more attractive than those that settles for mediocrity.

As the saying goes, the most important relationship is the one you have with yourself. Here is a good article on this point:

http://thoughtcatalog.com/heidi-priebe/2015/09/the-most-important-relationship-in-your-life-that-youre-probably-not-paying-enough-attention-to/

Hi Brock,

Based on what you mentioned, it sounds like the common factor there is that you miss having a genuine connection with someone. If there is one thing you can do tomorrow that can improve your life significantly, what would it be? For some people, it would be exercise because getting in shape tends to have a positive effect on our mental well being. While others will travel to give themselves a chance to step away from their immediate environment . Like the frog, sometimes we have to step out of the water for while to realize how hot it is.

With changes, I would recommend to start off with something that is easy to implement so you can start immediately. There is a chance that you will need to try a few things before finding something that resonates with you but that’s part of the adventure.

Good luck on your journey.

Hi Max,

Just wanted to acknowledged that it’s an incredibly brave step that you took and that with time, it does get better. If you need something to strengthen you decision (I certainly did when I was in a similar situation), the people here have made some very valid points:

1) She need to spend time on her own before she can approach a relationship in a healthy manner. At the moment, she is reaching out based from a place of need rather than building something long term and positive.

2) Glad to hear that you stood up to her about what you want. If seeing her in a romantic relationship with someone else feels like having your heart ripped out and your self esteem thrown in a shredder, it means that you are not ready to be her friend yet. You may have a special connection with this person but if that’s how she makes you feel, being around that is going to destroy your confidence to have a healthy relationship with someone else.

3) Try to avoid self loathing, wondering about “what if I did that…” or hating her because that makes it harder for you to move on. Whenever our soul connects with another person, it’s special even when things didn’t turn out the way we wanted. See it as an opportunity to learn and prepare you for the relationship that you deserve.

Hi Max,

Heart breaks are tough and you are right that you should not contact her for at least 3 months. After 3 months, the question you should ask yourself is can you be her friend without want something more? If the answer is no, it is best to stay away from her. In my experience, 3 months is usually not enough to change the dynamic of a relationship and it ended up prolonging the pain.

When I was younger, I thought that there is something heroic in fighting for love like in the movies. Now I realize that it is exhausting to keep fighting for someone to love you while she considers her options. The less she feels, the more we put in until the relationship is so unbalanced that it crumbles under it’s own weight.

As you pointed out, idle time is the worst enemy and though different things work for different people, some form of physical exercise usually helps to anchor your mind in the present.