@anita: That is true, I think that’s the reason he kept nagging me but the truth is it didn’t help. Can you suggest me some ways I can overcome, step by step, my social awkwardness and my fear of people (fear to be myself, to say my thoughts/opinion)?

@Peter: I agree to what you said. I don’t want to try to tell myself positive things just so I can feel better about myself because it just doesn’t work. I don’t feel those things. I want to be honest with myself. For me trying to tell myself things like “you’re beautiful, intelligent bla bla bla” … doesn’t work. At all. I wanna be real and honest and tell myself only the truth and what I really feel not some random praise words that I don’t feel. I should be addressing the problem and take steps to overcome it…and when I’ll feel some real change (to be relaxed in public, to not be afraid of people or afraid to look stupid or ridiculos or whatever) , then I’ll feel proud and better about myself.

I want to not feel less than others, and I feel like that. Like I have to be perfect for them, to say the right things, to cover the fact that I am awkward..which doesn’t work… Also I don’t really care much about others… only if I feel a little connection or something then I “can” talk because I kind of care a little about what the other has to say. But 90% I don’t really care about others, and when they talk to me either I say things that I don’t feel so I can keep the conversation going either I just don’t say anything, just nod and smile. Also I don’t like to share because people don’t actually care…and I don’t want to share things about myself just to pass the time…and let people that don’t matter to me know things about myself. I am a very private person. I am not friendly, warm, close to others. Rather I am cold, distant, don’t talk to them, but also I don’t want to upset them so I am nice to them. But if someone says something bad about me or makes a comment I feel attacked and become aggressive.

People can talk like 30 mins about the same thing….but I’m not like that. If they ask me something I just say the answer not talk about it for like an hour and repeat myself just so I can talk and share everything. Also, if someone is making jokes I feel awkward because I don’t know what to say back and I just don’t say anything and don’t feel very amused either so I just smile even though… I don’t feel like that??

If I’d be myself I think I’ll come off as negative and too serious ….The truth is I am like that… And I’m not impressed by much, I don’t care about many things.

I also am afraid that if for example… I say some opinion or thought that others wouldn’t like, I feel like they will always see me through that thing they didn’t like and judge me only by that…. Cause sometimes people don’t like you but they don’t have a real reason…and then talk to others about you and turn them against you too….and I’ll feel rejected and “bullied” (kind of, bullied it’s too much) all the time just because people like to gossip and be mean and make fun of others…. and I don’t want that so maybe that’s why I try to not upset anybody and keep everything to myself, cause it would make me really anxious to come to work and have people who would say mean things to me, or subtle things to me. Sure, I can tell them to stop and maybe they will. But I’ll still get rejected and not connected at all with others.

For example sometimes, or maybe most of the times I may come off as negative and a ‘hater’. People that are close to me know that’s not 100% who I am and love me regardless. But other people will be like omg she’s so negative and stupid and bla bla bla….and like….that’s not entirely who I am but they don’t care enough to understand I’m not 100% like that and I have good parts…. they would care to gossip, to be mean, to reject me, to make myself feel bad. And people have this power over me… if someone is mean it affects me very much.And I think that’s what I try to avoid.

Another example is that with the closest people I can just be myself and react and say exactly how I feel. With others on the other hand, I am afraid. I always try to be very nice, agree with them, not contribute to the conversation to not say something “wrong” or that they don’t agree with…

@Prash: Thank you for your advice.

@anita: I wouldn’t call it harassment. I felt like he was acting like that because of his own frustrations and because that’s how his family is too. He wants more from me and we are kind of alike. He wants me to be sociable, do things not waste my time, care about things like career and money, to want more from life to get a house to live well, to earn enough money to get everything I want and be ambitions and I don’t think I’m like that.. I mean I want to have those things but they’re too expensive and I don’t feel motivated at all. I have a job now and I earn enough so I can pay for my rent and everything with my boyfriend.

Or maybe deep down I am but my fear of people is holding me down so much, this is not a good life at all, to live in a constant fwar of people and like…. always try to be perfect and not look bad while eating, walking, not look stupid. For example if someone tries to be friendly and nice to me I feel awkward. I feel like they think I’m nice and then they’ll discover how awkward and clumsy and stupid and quiet I am. Or I try to be careful not come off as rude, mean… I just feel annoyed and frustrated.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 8 months ago by coconut.
• This reply was modified 5 years, 8 months ago by coconut.
• This reply was modified 5 years, 8 months ago by coconut.
• This reply was modified 5 years, 8 months ago by coconut.

I want to say that I don’t act bad towards my bf when feeling like that. I have learned to be like this, I am proud of myself. Things are going better than ever between us, I am 100% content with him, how he behaves etc.

Another problem I have at work or wherever it requires to be creative, give ideas. My mind is blank. I can never be creative and give ideas… If I am asked at an interview “What would you change/ how would you improve….*anything*?”. I just don’t know.

I wish I would be smart, creative, free of social fear…

anita: I feel like I didn’t explain it well enough.. because his jokes are not that bad and he is never serious about those things, but I find it annoying when I don’t get his jokes.. when I understand them even though I don’t find them funny, I just ignore it and don’t feel anything bad. I told him about it and he said he’s gonna stop.

Inky: I wanted to move in with him for like 2 or 3 years I think, for a very long time. But he didn’t want that because he thought we won’t get along because of my behavior that hurt him in the past. Indeed, it took me too long to finally convince him to move in together. What convinced him was the fact that I felt like I lost my feelings for him and things were going good for the past few months but that didn’t convinced him enough because of the past.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by coconut.

I know in my first post I said I don’t feel close with anyone and that is right, but tonight I spend some time with my mother who gets me and I didn’t feel anxiety spending time with her.

I don’t pick fights anymore and he is more understanding and didnt get mad at me like when we were texting in ldr.

My anxiety doesn’t make me agressive anymore.. it makes me feel hurt, guilty, I have no reason to get mad at him anymore.

I haven’t attended psychotherapy because I can’t afford it. I feel like my anxiety with him right now is because I feel we are too different in some ways. Like he has jokes that I don’t like and kind of make me anxious even though he’s not being mean he is just joking and also the fact that I feel that he doesn’t really understands how I feel and see things because he sees them differently. And also the fact that most of the time we don’t agree on things and have different opinions on trivial things, not the important ones. But it still makes me anxious. Me and my father have a similar relationship, he most of the time disagrees with me.

Being understood and having someone that feels/thinks the same and agrees with me for real, makes me feel close to that person.

Maybe here lies the problem. But I think that it’s not worth to give up on him especially because I am very emotionally attached to him and he is a really great guy for me.

Hello anita, thank you for replying.

We met in college. For the first year and a half we saw each other daily, except for the weekends when he would go home in his town, and except for the summer when it was also like a ldr.

At one point after constant disagreements and fights because of my insecurities he broke up with me and said he doesn’t feel anything anymore and that we’ll never get back together, which caused me very much pain, shock, anxiety, panic attacks.

I was constantly telling him that I don’t want a ldr anymore I just can’t do it anymore and it’s not normal to be in a ldr after all of this time and what we experienced together. He said he’s afraid to move because of the past when I hurt him with my behavior (being mean, feeling jealous for no reason, picking fights etc) and that he needs time to see that I have really changed.

I told him I don’t think I feel anything anymore. This made him rethink his way of thinking and realized he really doesn’t want to lose me. After a couple of weeks I finally told him about that co-worker, because I still felt confused and anxious and he brought it up that maybe I found someone else.

I don’t want to break up with him. I already feel a lot of pain thinking of being without him, thinking of a break-up, thinking of hurting both of us. I also feel really anxious and I cry when I think that maybe I don’t love him anymore. I don’t want anybody else. I just want to understand why I feel anxious and stop feeling anxious about him.