It’s really very common. The love people get as kids not only influences their children but also their relationships. Maybe you can share your story with me. I thank you and all of the others in this thread who helped me with their words. I tried to send you a message, but I don’t know if it worked. That email address I gave you is incomplete. My email is mls91@mail.com. It’d be really nice to hear from you, Anita.

Hey Anita
Thanks so much for your response. You’re amazing.

There was a point when I was constantly looking for attention from the outside. My mother didn’t like me to stay home since this was a time my brother would have aggressive fits out of nowhere. She’d often ask me to go outside and play with the other kids, claiming that she had failed my brother because he had a strict upbringing. Which is wrong, in my opinion. He had problems socialising because he was born that way and back then when there was no internet no one knew about OCD, or social anxiety (my brother has OCD and his case is so bad he was a verging psychotic).

I’ve always had a rather passive behavior with people from the outside. They walked all over me. I adapted to other people rather than choose the ones that suited me the most. Oh and there was a time I was closer to my neighbor’s family than my own! My family used to be relatively united, grandma, cousins, aunts, etc. But after my brother got sick and we became highly isolated as a family as he didn’t want to see anyone (many were considered by him “his enemies”).

I remember seeing my friend’s parents getting involved with their kid’s stuff while my mother and father would hardly ever be interested in what I was doing or thinking or whom I was hanging out with, and it’d make me quite sad. I even missed restrictions. They would tell me don’t do this and that, but they wouldn’t really do anything. Over time, my brother had gotten less and less aggressive and more predictable. With that, I was the one who was starting breaking down. That’s when they started to notice there was something wrong with me. I’d adapt to people, I’d try whatever to get them to love me, to pay attention to me, to give me a direction, and I didn’t know why I craved it so much. I think I know now.

I don’t blame my parents too much though. I think… I could have handled things better. I’m sure of it. I’m not the only one in this type of situation. Some people do really well in spite the bad circumstances. My parents neglected me for a very long time, but they didn’t know any better, they were desperate and afraid (for their lives even). I remember I’d even lock the doors because I was afraid my brother would kill us in our sleep. He’d constantly threat my mom and dad, mostly. I was very afraid of losing them but in a way I was losing them already… to my brother’s disease.
I’m still financially dependent of my parents, I’ve always been. I feel like I only ever gave them problems after what would be my “breaking point”, depression-wise – 17 years old up until now. I love them very much and if I’m alive today it’s because of them. I can’t think of any other reason for me to stay alive honestly.

At the same time I can’t get over my past. Part of me still seeks for an explanation to why I lost 3 years of my life struggling with depression and on top of that a destructive relationship I should have never gotten into in the first place. And other 2 years learning how to cope with the damage and now I catch myself still picking up the pieces! How happy would I be now if only I had avoided certain people! If only I had stood up for myself early on! If only I had gone to therapy early on! Maybe now I wouldn’t be such a burden, I’d be happy and having a life of my own. If only! But I can’t change that. Many of my thoughts and memories are from that time and I can almost feel as though they’re happening right now as I remember them. They can be triggered if someone yells at me, or maybe a song from that time, or maybe I just sit around and automatically go back to the bad times. I can’t help but feel I’d be much happier without them. Everyday I feel as though as I’m in a nightmare I can never wake up from.

You’re right. I feel like I have to make up for my brother. But I haven’t been successful in that anyway. I mean I’m not even working! I’m working on a degree so I can get a better job in the future, but it makes me feel so useless. Especially like this. I can’t even concentrate enough to study and even getting out of bed has been… challenging. I chose that picture because I feel trapped in life. I have no hopes of happiness but I can’t kill myself either. And as you said, my mental cage too.

You’re amazing, Anita. I thank you so much for listening to all of this and I’m sorry if I sounded so negative. I don’t mean to bring anyone down with my blabbering. I’m actually a relatively cheerful person if I’m all right. Thanks so much for giving me different perspectives on things. As for suggestions on where to start, I’d really appreciate that.

• This reply was modified 9 years, 4 months ago by Marie.

Saiisha:
Thanks for the recommendation. Byron Katie has such an inspiring story. I’ll buy her book when I can. I’ve been reading about abusive relationships and it pains me so much because I start having flashbacks and feeling great discomfort. I’m an emotional mess right now.
Thanks for your kind words, Saiisha!

Irishgirl2015:
Thanks so much for posting this. Often I feel like this will forever be a huge part of me, much like a shadow or a curse. I’m just so tired of this feeling. Thus it’s always nice to know other people have managed to pull through abusive relationships. You’re inspiring! I think I’d have benefitted greatly from counselling in the past as well. I went through therapy for only two months consecutively this year. Gave up on it after two months and no significative results. Thank you, my heart and thoughts are with you.

Axuda:
That reminds me, I had an online male friend in the past who was in almost the same situation as me. We talked a lot about our relationships in order to understand just what was going on with them. My abuser, however, after realizing I was a bit more social online than I was in real life, made sure that I had cut off contact with all of them (both real and virtual).

I understand what you’re saying, but it’s so difficult to see what happened under a positive light. The truth is I want to just disappear sometimes. You’re right in your assumption. I feel exactly that way, angry and bitter and most of all guilty. For not noticing the major red signs from the very start, for not loving myself enough and for losing my youth on it. I feel like I have a lifetime worth of baggage. Sometimes I wish I was older just so I wouldn’t feel so inadequate around people from my age group. I wonder if other abuse victims feel this way too.
Is there a way I can let out all these dark feelings and thoughts I’ve been having? There aren’t any support groups in my area unfortunatelly, but I’ve been wanting to go back to therapy.

anita:
Hi, Anita. I really appreciate your concern. My relationship with my parents was very troubled during my teenage years. They were so busy and drained from dealing with my brother (he used to have psychotic attacks, during which he’d be aggressive to the point of beating my mom and dad). I was neglected by them for a long time and I believe this is possibly (or at least in part) why I gotten into an abusive relationship in the first place. My parents had choosen an approach to deal with my brother that I considered inneffective. They’d hostilize me quite often because of that. But now I know that they love me, they just didn’t know what to do and now they’re everything I live for. My abuser was really very persuasive. He once told me that people would never stay angry at him for a long time, which was true. My mom back then thought I was being wrong simply because I wasn’t very close to her during that time and she didn’t know what was really happening with me.