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MarieParticipant
It’s really very common. The love people get as kids not only influences their children but also their relationships. Maybe you can share your story with me. I thank you and all of the others in this thread who helped me with their words. I tried to send you a message, but I don’t know if it worked. That email address I gave you is incomplete. My email is mls91@mail.com. It’d be really nice to hear from you, Anita.
MarieParticipantDear Anita,
When I said I could have handled things better, I meant I could have dealt with those problems in a much better way. That’s why I blame myself so much. If I had been smarter and confident and self-reliant, I’d probably be fine today.
I didn’t understand the and and or part, I’m sorry.
The fact that I keep focusing on the past it is a somewhat out of reality attitute. It’s not like I can time travel. I guess it’s because part of me still struggles to understand and accept my past.Back to the quote: you wrote that you could have handled things differently- and that you are sure of it. I don’t know what specifically you are referring to? Do you mean that you could have NOT been hurt as a child by the neglect you experienced? Do you mean once you were hurt on an ongoing basis, that you could have ignored that hurt and proceeded with actions that a well attended, healthy individual would take? Are you referring to actions you took as a child? As an adult?
That’s exactly what I meant. I could have gone to my grandmother’s house. She’s always been supportive. The problem is, we had moved out to another city and visiting relatives became something rare for us (once in a years type of thing). Anyhow I could have decided to live with the rest of my family but I’d also feel guilty for living them on their own. While I was with my ex, I could have left him early on but instead I kept feeling afraid of breaking up and making a terrible mistake. I was so afraid to wrong others I made everything worse. I wish I had listened when people said on every single talk show I’ve ever watched “always put yourself first!”.
is it necessary that you view them as cold hearted, evil people who do not feel any soft feelings themselves so to explain why they hurt you so much?
It’s not at all necessary. But when I was a teen, I thought they didn’t like me. I had a very limited perspective on things.
Can it be that your parents are at fault for neglecting you. not giving you the basic love you needed (nothing fancy, but the basics) AND that they had reasons? Is it possible their reasons do not in any way diminish the hurt they have caused you?
I don’t know, Anita. My hurt isn’t related to them anymore. It’s just related to myself, that are mostly negative thoughts and memories of my abusive relationship. Would I still have gotten in an abusive relationship if my parents had paid more attention to me and who I was with? I don’t know, but I wish I’d had someone older to advise me along the way as I was 16 and kinda dumb, too.
For as long as your focus is on WHY they hurt you, as long as your focus is on them and empathy for them is in the forefront of your mind, you will be distressed. Your hope in shifting your focus to YOU, have empathy to you, realize your hurt and the fact they have caused it by not seeing you, not noticing you.
I’ll try that, Anita. It’s hard to see me as my own best friend when I’ve been my worst saboteur so many, many times. It’s a cycle that feeds on itself: I hate myself because I’ve hurt myself and hating makes me hurt even further and hurting gives me even more reasons to hate and so on. I know the only possible way to break the cycle is to let go of all of that. I’ve been watching some comedy lately. It helps me to get out of my head and forget about everything for a good 60 minutes. I watched a couple of Ajahn Brahm videos.
I’d like to contact you and maybe we can exchange contact info if that’s all right.
Marie
MarieParticipantHey Anita
Thanks so much for your response. You’re amazing.There was a point when I was constantly looking for attention from the outside. My mother didn’t like me to stay home since this was a time my brother would have aggressive fits out of nowhere. She’d often ask me to go outside and play with the other kids, claiming that she had failed my brother because he had a strict upbringing. Which is wrong, in my opinion. He had problems socialising because he was born that way and back then when there was no internet no one knew about OCD, or social anxiety (my brother has OCD and his case is so bad he was a verging psychotic).
I’ve always had a rather passive behavior with people from the outside. They walked all over me. I adapted to other people rather than choose the ones that suited me the most. Oh and there was a time I was closer to my neighbor’s family than my own! My family used to be relatively united, grandma, cousins, aunts, etc. But after my brother got sick and we became highly isolated as a family as he didn’t want to see anyone (many were considered by him “his enemies”).
I remember seeing my friend’s parents getting involved with their kid’s stuff while my mother and father would hardly ever be interested in what I was doing or thinking or whom I was hanging out with, and it’d make me quite sad. I even missed restrictions. They would tell me don’t do this and that, but they wouldn’t really do anything. Over time, my brother had gotten less and less aggressive and more predictable. With that, I was the one who was starting breaking down. That’s when they started to notice there was something wrong with me. I’d adapt to people, I’d try whatever to get them to love me, to pay attention to me, to give me a direction, and I didn’t know why I craved it so much. I think I know now.
I don’t blame my parents too much though. I think… I could have handled things better. I’m sure of it. I’m not the only one in this type of situation. Some people do really well in spite the bad circumstances. My parents neglected me for a very long time, but they didn’t know any better, they were desperate and afraid (for their lives even). I remember I’d even lock the doors because I was afraid my brother would kill us in our sleep. He’d constantly threat my mom and dad, mostly. I was very afraid of losing them but in a way I was losing them already… to my brother’s disease.
I’m still financially dependent of my parents, I’ve always been. I feel like I only ever gave them problems after what would be my “breaking point”, depression-wise – 17 years old up until now. I love them very much and if I’m alive today it’s because of them. I can’t think of any other reason for me to stay alive honestly.At the same time I can’t get over my past. Part of me still seeks for an explanation to why I lost 3 years of my life struggling with depression and on top of that a destructive relationship I should have never gotten into in the first place. And other 2 years learning how to cope with the damage and now I catch myself still picking up the pieces! How happy would I be now if only I had avoided certain people! If only I had stood up for myself early on! If only I had gone to therapy early on! Maybe now I wouldn’t be such a burden, I’d be happy and having a life of my own. If only! But I can’t change that. Many of my thoughts and memories are from that time and I can almost feel as though they’re happening right now as I remember them. They can be triggered if someone yells at me, or maybe a song from that time, or maybe I just sit around and automatically go back to the bad times. I can’t help but feel I’d be much happier without them. Everyday I feel as though as I’m in a nightmare I can never wake up from.
You’re right. I feel like I have to make up for my brother. But I haven’t been successful in that anyway. I mean I’m not even working! I’m working on a degree so I can get a better job in the future, but it makes me feel so useless. Especially like this. I can’t even concentrate enough to study and even getting out of bed has been… challenging. I chose that picture because I feel trapped in life. I have no hopes of happiness but I can’t kill myself either. And as you said, my mental cage too.
You’re amazing, Anita. I thank you so much for listening to all of this and I’m sorry if I sounded so negative. I don’t mean to bring anyone down with my blabbering. I’m actually a relatively cheerful person if I’m all right. Thanks so much for giving me different perspectives on things. As for suggestions on where to start, I’d really appreciate that.
- This reply was modified 9 years, 4 months ago by Marie.
MarieParticipantI’m sorry it took me so long. I’ve been feeling so bad, guys. I felt it would hurt even more to go back here and read all of what I had said before, so I had been avoiding it. Now I feel better, but I’m still thinking of suicide pretty frequently.
Dear Anita
Sorry, English isn’t my first language. I didn’t realize it sounded weird. What I meant is that, due to all the problems and stress going on in my house, my parents weren’t very patient or involved with me. They hadn’t realized how vulnerable I was growing up, I think. Compared to my brother, I’d always came across as a normal teenager. I was never very affectionate to them either, so it wasn’t totally their fault. The weird thing is that now ever since I felt into depression we are closer than ever. Oh, it lasted 3 years, on and off. It ended 4 years ago. “Can you tell me about the guilt: what is that about? You feel that you have wronged who…?” I feel that I wronged myself and I also subjected my parents to a lot of suffering and worry. They deserve better than me. I’ve never
gave any reason for them to feel proud or happy. I’m another disappointment.You wrote that your parents are “everything I live for.” Can you tell me what you mean by that? How does it look likem you living for your parents?
I don’t commit suicide because I don’t want them to live with that. They’ve been through so much already. They would break down if something like that happened. Still this isn’t a good enough motivator sometimes. Sometimes I can’t get stuff done “what’s the point?”, I think to myself.
Hi Axuda,
You’re right. I have to start doing things for myself. What happened was a huge blow on my self-esteem and I’ve been having a hard time finding motivation now. I can relate a lot to what you said. Especially this part:New friends whose jaws dropped when I explained things that had happened which (at the time) I considered relatively minor
When I look back, it’s unbelievable. It’s absurd! How impaired my judgement used to be! If you don’t mind my asking, how long did it take for you to overcome this? For me, it’s been 4 years and it’s still so hard. Thanks for your advice. I’ve already been trying out things I used to enjoy during my childhood years. My happiest phase, although poor and simple. My family was united and relatively normal back then. Thanks so much for the kind words.
Hey, Turquoise115
Thanks for your response. I never stopped believing there were good people in this world. I believe I was naive and downright unlucky. I don’t see myself dating again not even in a few years.- This reply was modified 9 years, 4 months ago by Marie.
MarieParticipantSaiisha:
Thanks for the recommendation. Byron Katie has such an inspiring story. I’ll buy her book when I can. I’ve been reading about abusive relationships and it pains me so much because I start having flashbacks and feeling great discomfort. I’m an emotional mess right now.
Thanks for your kind words, Saiisha!Irishgirl2015:
Thanks so much for posting this. Often I feel like this will forever be a huge part of me, much like a shadow or a curse. I’m just so tired of this feeling. Thus it’s always nice to know other people have managed to pull through abusive relationships. You’re inspiring! I think I’d have benefitted greatly from counselling in the past as well. I went through therapy for only two months consecutively this year. Gave up on it after two months and no significative results. Thank you, my heart and thoughts are with you.Axuda:
That reminds me, I had an online male friend in the past who was in almost the same situation as me. We talked a lot about our relationships in order to understand just what was going on with them. My abuser, however, after realizing I was a bit more social online than I was in real life, made sure that I had cut off contact with all of them (both real and virtual).I understand what you’re saying, but it’s so difficult to see what happened under a positive light. The truth is I want to just disappear sometimes. You’re right in your assumption. I feel exactly that way, angry and bitter and most of all guilty. For not noticing the major red signs from the very start, for not loving myself enough and for losing my youth on it. I feel like I have a lifetime worth of baggage. Sometimes I wish I was older just so I wouldn’t feel so inadequate around people from my age group. I wonder if other abuse victims feel this way too.
Is there a way I can let out all these dark feelings and thoughts I’ve been having? There aren’t any support groups in my area unfortunatelly, but I’ve been wanting to go back to therapy.anita:
Hi, Anita. I really appreciate your concern. My relationship with my parents was very troubled during my teenage years. They were so busy and drained from dealing with my brother (he used to have psychotic attacks, during which he’d be aggressive to the point of beating my mom and dad). I was neglected by them for a long time and I believe this is possibly (or at least in part) why I gotten into an abusive relationship in the first place. My parents had choosen an approach to deal with my brother that I considered inneffective. They’d hostilize me quite often because of that. But now I know that they love me, they just didn’t know what to do and now they’re everything I live for. My abuser was really very persuasive. He once told me that people would never stay angry at him for a long time, which was true. My mom back then thought I was being wrong simply because I wasn’t very close to her during that time and she didn’t know what was really happening with me. -
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