I wake up to check my phone, text messages and social media to see what she is up to. I worry about her and wonder what is going on in her life. I can not stand the distance, I can never do a long distance relationship. it is what it is

I have visited AVEN 4 years go, it was the site that helped me understand my sexuality. And I made a online friend on that site. We still online friends.

My current friend is who I call my close best friend. She means alot to me, it’s been a struggle everyday that I want to actually see her in person. I’m bored of texting and there are times we haven’t much to say to each other cause well we have talked daily last year and this year as well. Now its been less but thats ok cause we do have our own separate lives. She will always be in my heart, i do need to live my life here and seek friendships. I dont have a high paying job but i work very hard to save money so i can travel other places and maybe go to local events but as of now i just been working and cant stop thinking about my new friend.

Sorry for the misspelling, wish you can edit your posts on here.

I’m demisexual, asexual, homoromantic. I do want a relationship in the future but I want a strong platonic relationship first before becoming romantically involve. The thought of being romantic and sexually active makes me nervous. My ex best friend use to tease and flirt and be  physical toward me even when I asked her to stop she still continued. So if someone treats me in that way I’ll overthink their actions that they are using me. If someone wants to be close to me physically then that said person must understand what I’ve been through for me to trust them enough to be that close to me. I’m a virgin, I don’t care if I die as one. As long as I know what true love is and experience that love. It is enough for me. If my current friend developed feelings for me then she must take it slow and be patience. This what I have to live with my fear of being lead on, so if anyone wants to be with me romantically they must understand what I’ve been through. I’m too afraid to go further with anyone. So making friends is all I can do, I don’t know how to be physically romantic or romantic in general I only know how to treat people right. And yes I will shower gifts to my close friends cause that is how I show love. And being their for them no matter what.

Sorry for the late reply.

I had some technical difficulties that it wouldn’t let me text my reply.

It took me a few months to actually come out and tell her how I felt. I had to think about it, get into tune within myself if I really felt that way toward her. It wasnt a crush anymore, I actually fell in love with her. I fell for her for who she, for being there for me and truly caring for me from afar. Something I’ve never experienced in my whole life, someone who really wanted to help me through my heartache who wanted to be there to support and encourage me. I didnt expect her to give me that “hope” cause I assumed she was straight and since distance is a issue I didn’t think she’ll give me that answer. when she explained to me she is open to date whomever (when she ready for a relationship) gender is no issue to her. I took that as account even though I still feared she may only want me for attention. Yet, as time went on I see us grow as wonderful close long distance friends. That I truly cherished!
I only want friendship first, slowly ease into a relationship with someone. She told me “If we both we felt the same way. We could have a relationship in the future.” She kept telling me this whenever I brought it up last year (I’d talked to her about this a couple of times) My anxiety took the best of me, I was worried she would only want me for attention which is why I had to bring it up with her. I have trust issues, if anyone is too nice to me or go out of their way for me. I’ll question those actions. I kept thinking that person wants something from me.
That being said, it applies to anyone who’ll be interested in me not only her.
Few months back I did talk to a therapist for two months, I have overcome my fears yet I still struggle sometimes cause I just don’t want to get my hopes up.
I wish I can drive over to her place, hang out, be with my best friend. It’s also hurts when she isn’t quite herself (sick or having a bad day) I wish I can do more in person than text her or send gifts. It hurts that I still have these feelings for her, I want to discuss this with her. But we’ve already talked about this many times. I can’t tell her anymore cause it already settled. If I mention this again she may just say what she said before or say “I thought we are only friends?”. I want to talk to her about this cause she is the person i’ll go to whenever i have alot on my mind. She keeps me calm and at ease when my anxiety and worries go over board. I just have to live with this, live my life. I do try to get out there to meet people to make more friends but I mainly make acquaintances hardly any close friends. It’s hard to trust people since my break up. I can trust her to never hurt me, it’s just I dont know if I’ll ever move on until we actually meet up to see how our chemistry is in person.

I am secretly holding on to that “hope” even though I told her “I need to let go of that hope you’ve given me. To me it felt like a fantasy, I have to move on so i can focus on myself.” I met her before I broke it off with my ex best friend. For 16 years my hope of being with my ex best friend in a romantic relationship was difficult to let go when she kept showing signs that she wanted me to stay while I was trying to move on. She kept me close due to her own selfish needs, I foolishly fell for it everytime. Until she suddenly stopped talking to me, when I confronted my ex best friend about this she just flat out said to me “Friends grow apart” “You stopped giving in the effort” I realized she was jealous of my long distance friend. I had to end it cause she always was jealous of anyone who was close to me. Men or women. I have trust issues and fear of being in unrequited love again. So if this new close friend of mine wants to be more with me then she must be patience, go slow and tell me she wants to be more than friends. Yes, I have talked to her about this in full detail.

The first is a given because of were we left it off that us both agreed to be only friends. I wanted to tell her how I felt, since she is a huge part of my life and was wanting to be in my life. She was the one that made the effort to stay in touch with me, she was always there for me even though I avoided people due to my heart break last year. She had every right to know of my unresolved feelings for her, I just didnt expect her reply telling me we could have a future together. Giving me that hope made me feel like she was telling me because she didn’t want to let me down. But she told me many times whenever I asked (I was afraid she was leading me on just like my ex friend did) she was being honest with her words and will never hurt me.
She truly deeply cares for me yet is unsure how we are together in person. We could be great friends and develop a sisterly bond or we could develop a romantic bond. Who knows.
Like I said before, if she wants more she’ll need to tell me. The ball is in her court now.
All i am doing for myself is to stay focus on my life here, I’ll always have that love for her and will cherish it even if I met someone else.
At this moment of my life I have no desire to seek for love, I am keeping myself open for the possibility with anyone. But I know what I need to do is meet her, my love for her is strong and I want to know what is going on between us in person. I’m not expecting anything from her, only her honesty and friendship. I’m just going to be me and spend time with the woman I dearly love romantically and friendship.

No, she knows I’m still visiting her. I still want to meet the person that help me move on from my ex friend. And she is still wanting to see me. Even though I still have these feelings for her thats the struggle I’m dealing with on my own.