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RebirthandRestart2018

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  • October 24, 2018 at 4:16 am in reply to: He left me after pregnancy termination #232885
    RebirthandRestart2018
    Participant

    Hi Valora

    It’s reassuring to hear that you think along the same lines as me when it comes to giving it our all in relationships. It seems to be ever so easy and the preferred method for people to just walk away after they discover someone has a few ‘flaws’ or not ‘perfect’. I feel that people are far too often treated as disposable options nowadays as there’s plenty more available at the swipe of a finger online. But that’s for another thread! 🙂

    Regarding my intuition and anxiety, they don’t happen simultaneously. Once I realise that a man could be fading out/changes the communication level, it presents itself as a ‘knowing’ initially. I can just sense it. Then I feel anxiety arise at the same time as thoughts such as “oh no here we go again, he’s off”. I would like to think that I didn’t close off, as I did reach out to him and asked if everything was ok. It was then he gave me the line of “busy with work and gym”. Upon hearing that, I again had a ‘deep knowing feeling’ that he was not being honest with me. I didn’t feel fear or anxiety in those moments, it was just a sense of knowing.

    I discovered I have several traits of being an empath and it does explain why I’m able to tell if people are being dishonest through a message. I can also sense the shift in someone’s mood before they’ve even told me there’s anything wrong. This was a big problem with one of my previous partners who had undiagnosed depression. I would feel his heavy energy each time he went into an episode before he even had the chance to tell me he felt miserable. It was horrible feeling so depressed when it wasn’t even my feelings! I can also sense my partner’s very subtle body language changes towards me and ‘feel’ them moving further away from my energy.

    But having said that, I completely understand and know that my fear may have ultimately caused it to manifest. Can I ask how you managed to tackle that challenge and not give in to just accepting the worse and then it happening?

    I forgot to mention that his previous relationship ended one year before we met and when I asked why they ended, he explained that they had been together for 2 years and she lived with him. It was going well for some time, however she started to stay at home more rather than accompany him to his family/friends houses, making excuses that she had a headache. He said he felt embarrassed with making up excuses for her absence and as much as he “tried to support her”, it didn’t work, so he ended it. He explained that he felt she had anxiety as he had researched it a lot afterwards. I did a bit of looking (as you sometimes do!) on social media and noticed that she had moved onto someone else rather quickly after their breakup.

    I’m wondering if part of him actually thought he saw similarities between my ‘closed’ behaviour and her ‘anxiety’ and thought it would be too much effort again. Oddly, he used to refer to this previous relationship as a “divorce”, even though they weren’t married. He said that he lost their pet cat “in the divorce”. It used to make me feel very uncomfortable, but as I was a people pleaser, I didn’t tackle my feelings on this with him. I guess I could go round and round with assumptions and analysing everything, but it doesn’t change the sad outcome. Yesterday marked 2 months since my termination and I allowed myself to cry for as long as I needed to. It’s a process.

    October 23, 2018 at 1:12 pm in reply to: He left me after pregnancy termination #232795
    RebirthandRestart2018
    Participant

    Hi anita

    Yes my username is exactly that. It is the process that I feel I’m going through as it has made me utterly breakdown and force me to completely rebirth into creating a new life and habits for myself. I didn’t even connect it to my termination, but it bears a heavy and important resonance doesn’t it.

    I know it is hard to make assumptions as to what his exact motive and reasons could most likely have been, but I’m finding it particularly hard to accept that if he thought I was a closed book, why he didn’t choose to address this with me earlier on in an attempt to ‘deepen the connection’, if that’s what he really wanted (or not). I’m not a mind reader and I feel so frustrated he tried to put blame on me, when it was he who had the issue with what he felt I should be/do. He seemed to be making other efforts which corresponded to getting more involved with each other’s lives, then suddenly he’s got this issue why we wouldn’t work and there’s no compromising on it. It’s finished.

    I also get stuck on wondering why he wanted out anyway, as it felt like we were progressing until he put on the brakes from one day to the next suddenly. One day he’s seemingly adoring me and then the next, he’s gone cold, flitters around in the background whilst giving me just enough to hang on, then point blank it’s done.

    I think I just wish I was the exception, so to speak. I saw potential and felt a strong connection and it hurts me a lot to accept that his feelings could just fade out so coldly. I think I’m even more hurt because very early on, we were talking about how important communication is in relationships. He had told me that he felt that the problem was that people don’t know how to communicate. I assumed and ran with the idea that he knew how to openly communicate. In hindsight now I would have probed further as to how he would do this. But I also know that what people say and end up doing can be very different. It’s hard to accept and learn because I am a person who is very sure of my feelings and don’t tend to ‘u turns’. I also have specific reasons and can explain why I wouldn’t want to progress something. There’s no grey area within me for this.

    I am physically recovered, thank you. Emotionally it has taken a very deep toll. I have lost myself and all my previous perceptions of what relationships and love are. I am now petrified of any possibility of dating in the future. It fills me with fear of being rejected and tossed aside again seemingly out of nowhere. In an ironic way, if I wasn’t a closed book then, I definitely am now. It’s incredibly sad and I’ve lost faith at present.

    October 23, 2018 at 10:46 am in reply to: He wants to be friends now! #232767
    RebirthandRestart2018
    Participant

    Hi Christin

    You are not responsible for his reaction to your honesty. You are also not responsible for the way he lacked to communicate with you after your conversation. Do not take on this guilt. You were clear and honest. Yes he may be disappointed, but that is due to his own expectations (even though you may have expressed yours) and he sounds like he is on the defensive at the moment, so he doesn’t get hurt any further. You are both on different pages. If you want to, you can clearly tell him you’d like to see how things pan out, but no rushing. If he respects this then great, but if he wants a different pace or to pull away altogether, then it’s not a mutually, caring, respectful balance.

    October 23, 2018 at 10:36 am in reply to: Keeping secrets in relationship #232765
    RebirthandRestart2018
    Participant

    Hi Mallllh,

    I agree with anita. You said the facts yourself surrounding the ‘hook up’. You weren’t together at that time and it was a year ago it took place. Dragging this up now to him will cause nothing short of resentment and loss of trust that you have both began to rebuild.

    It sounds like you want to rid yourself of the guilt you’re feeling by being open and honest with him, however in this case, it is better to try to move forwards and not look back, if you want this relationship to continue progressing. You can find ways to forgive yourself if this is what you feel you need to do in order for it to feel heavy on you. But in your own words again, you weren’t together and it took place a while ago. It is the present that matters now if that it what you truly want.

    October 23, 2018 at 10:16 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #232753
    RebirthandRestart2018
    Participant

    Hi ladies,

    I joined on here today in the hopes of maybe one person being able to relate to my soul destroying emotions that I have been/am feeling post my break-up 6 weeks ago. And the first discussion I saw was this one. As so sad and sorry I am to see the pain you’ve been going through, I can tell you that I am 100% feeling it alongside you and I’m so relieved I’m not the only one who feels like my entire life has been put under a truck.

    Shelbyville, have you found that you’ve always had a similar type of reaction when a romantic relationship breaks off? Or did you find that you previously managed to “move on” in a less dramatic way from previous partners? (sorry if you’ve covered this in previous pages, I didn’t get to read all of it as I was so eager to speak to you both!).

    For me, due to the intense emotional reactions I have when a man decides to end things with me, I have recently really had to dig deep into my past and seemingly nice overall childhood (on the surface) to figure out why I literally cannot function after a breakup….even one that has been a few months. The emotions/reactions/feelings/situations that you both describe could have been written by me!

    I realised when I dug deeper that because of my parents very dysfunctional relationship and their own beliefs about love etc, I subconsciously sponged all that rubbish up as a child, alongside growing up with media and societal expectations of how life is about finding that one soulmate, you get married, have children and live happily ever after. Hmm, and low and behold…..I’m 32, only ever had very short periods of dating emotionally unavailable men who were bound to reject me, and now newly single, very raw from my recent breakup from a short but intense relationship and discovered I have no idea how to have a healthy romantic intimate partnership! (brilliant *sarcasm). I’m also an empath and highly sensitive person, which doesn’t feel like it helps matters when life throws curveballs. I have had a huge fear of abandonment and rejection and been a ‘people pleaser’ ever since I started dating in my early 20’s, which I now know is due to my parents very sad relationship. I also have had no self esteem or love for myself for as long as I can remember….we aren’t even taught this exists whilst in school.

    Acceptance and the ability to slowly let go is all about time, self compassion and forgiving yourself for giving yourself such a damn hard time. It’s easy to type this, but feeling it is hard I know. It’s about changing our expectations as to what a relationship “should be” and accepting the really difficult reality that they sometimes don’t grow simultaneously, no matter how hard you fight, scream, cry, shout at yourself and them in your head to make the outcome different. I’m slowly learning that it’s not healthy to “emotionally attach” myself to a man and pin my current and future “be all and end all” happiness on him. It’s not realistic and it won’t ever prove successful. It’s about changing who and what we thought we were and our perceptions of relationship expectations, to being more self serving and ensuring we don’t ever lose ourselves again to another person. It’s not an easy or quick journey, it’s ongoing and will be a spiral one.

    Lots of love and blessings (p.s. Natalie Lue’s baggage reclaim site rescued me from my recent utter despair and brink of suicide last month. Delve into her podcasts and blogs). x

     

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