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It really is very sad. I like to think that if I can do as much healing within for myself step by step, then hopefully when I get the opportunity and blessing to have children properly next time, I can encourage them and show them how important it is to love themselves. I would love to lead by example to them from my own experiences and show/teach them what outside society lacks. That is my hope.
Oh gosh, yes that statement is very telling. I obviously only heard his version of events and he initially played it down I feel. However when he referenced it as a divorce and I noticed his passive aggressive tone when referring to her as time progressed, I sensed more strongly that it affected him more than he had let on. He also still had the vet’s business card on the side of his fridge for their cat, it’s something he obviously didn’t want to let go of….gosh I feel so silly for not raising all these little things I perceived! I’ve learned a lot from just this small situation within the whole context, that I must stand in my own power and be assertive when something makes me feel uncomfortable. Hindsight is 20/20.
Thank you for saying that. I have actually been berating myself for thinking too much actually, as I’ve been trying to put everything into a whole picture (ruminating a lot!) so that I’m able to see where we both weren’t showing up for ourselves and each other. It’s been very very painful though. But it’s starting to help me to stop taking all the responsibility for his actions and behaviour on my shoulders. Due to the contradictory reasons he gave, I’ve had to look at the seemingly smaller remarks and non verbal behaviour to give myself a bigger perspective on him, rather than just the rose tinted glasses that I refused to take off.
You are absolutely correct about an anxious, yet loving and kind parent. Both my parents were anxious in different ways and actually showed it very boldly thinking back on it now. My mother is the eldest of 2 girls, but my grandparents always seemed to favour/praise my aunt, much more than they did my mum. They didn’t do this intentionally, but my mum clearly developed a sense of being second best early on in her life and this has continued until the present day. My mum never stood up to my dad when she was treated poorly and given silent treatment for days, even when they were dating. My dad would make inappropriate comments about other women and flirt in front of my mum in the early days, which I only came to find out later on. My mum always puts herself second to everyone in her life and ended up starting an affair with a married colleague back in 2004, which I believe is still going on to this day. She sobbed in my arms a few years ago about just wanting someone to love her and that she wishes she was dead as she feels she is ‘nothing’. I tried to get her help from the doctor but without her consent, the doctor couldn’t get her to go in for a talk. It’s as though she feels like life is supposed to be full of misery and just accepting the crumbs.
My father suddenly passed away in 2013 but had been spending half the years in Thailand away from my mum due to their constant disagreements and my mum’s refusal for a divorce (based on the grounds that she felt too embarrassed to go through with it and possibly start from scratch). Thailand was his happy place where he felt free and happy. Here he felt trapped and miserable, knowing my mum was having an affair, but she repeatedly denied it and just cried every time he confronted her. My dad wasn’t one to praise me or my brother and rarely said he loved us. He showed it by buying us gifts etc. He was very protective of me as a teenager when it came to me being in contact with a guy, however when I was in my 20’s, he seemed very keen for me to have a boyfriend, asking me regularly when he called if I had got one yet. The pressure of being single was a quite a lot yet I had no idea how to date healthily.
My younger brother is also troubled when it comes to forging romantic relationships. He also clings to old friendships that no longer are 50/50 and fights tooth and nail to get them to treat him as well as he treats and considers them. This has been a huge disappointment in his life when his oldest friends move on and don’t contact him. We have both tended to end up with people who are emotionally troubled and who lean on us for support. We both had adopted a ‘I can help them’ approach, however now my brother has completely closed himself off to any potential romantic relationship. He has a ‘I don’t care and can’t be bothered because people just disappoint me’ attitude now, which is so sad to hear him say….but it is exactly the feeling that I have on and off very recently now. We are both very sensitive and caring, easily get hurt/disappointed and over give ourselves. I think our traits say a lot about our parents relationship and individual attitudes.
I know I have subconsciously picked up my mum’s approach to romantic relationships but I vow to myself that I will have a different story and history will not continue to be repeated.
I am so glad that you got this impression anita as I had a feeling these pieces of the ‘puzzle’ fitted in somewhere with his past. There were glimpses of passive aggression and impatience in his tone of voice with me, when he was explaining to me about needing to be more forthcoming and when calling me a closed book. Although he was silent when I told him that he neither had come forwards and told me how he felt about me. So it showed me that he hadn’t reflected on his own thoughts and just projected his past wounds onto me, therefore blaming me for the demise. I’m relieved to hear that I haven’t been over thinking that possibility and that it is his emotional baggage in this respect. It also reminds me of another statement he made twice, “isn’t that what all women are like/all women are like that aren’t they” which was in relation to women’s indecisiveness and changing of their minds about a man/relationship. How ironic that this is the very thing that he projected onto me.
That was the only outstanding issue I have been grappling with, as sad as it is to hear, as I obviously had no chance of succeeding with him from the beginning. Termination or not. Had I been more assertive and pressed him on this and held up my boundaries (which I am now more aware of), I probably would have ended it myself if I got the impression the past was still lingering.
I look forward to hearing from you and whatever you wish to share.
So sorry anita, I misinterpreted what you meant about continuing to connect! I’m more than happy to continue on this thread, so please do let me know more about your journey whenever you’re ready to delve in.
I’m not sure if you saw my reply to Valore, but there was one more niggling issue that I forgot to add to my initial post that may add weight to his overall attitude and behaviour towards the end of our relationship. (I’ll copy and paste it here from my previous reply). My ex’s previous relationship ended one year before we met and when I asked why they ended, he explained that they had been together for 2 years and she lived with him. It was going well for some time, however she started to stay at home more rather than accompany him to his family/friends houses, making excuses that she had a headache. He said that she was ‘a lovely girl’, but he felt embarrassed with keeping on making up excuses for her absence and as much as he âtried to support herâ, it didnât work, so he ended it. He explained that he felt she had anxiety as he had researched it a lot afterwards. I did a bit of looking (as you sometimes do!) on social media and noticed that she had moved onto someone else rather quickly after their breakup, whom she is still with a year later. His only other serious relationship ended about 8 years ago when his partner “changed” after they moved in together.
Iâm wondering if part of him actually thought he saw similarities between my âclosedâ behaviour and his ex’s âanxietyâ and thought it would be too much effort again?! Oddly, he used to refer to this previous relationship as a âdivorceâ, even though they werenât married. He said that he lost their pet cat âin the divorceâ. It used to make me feel very uncomfortable, but as I was a people pleaser, I didnât tackle my feelings on this with him.What impression or sense do you get from this?
Good afternoon ladies,
Thankyou and bless you both for reading my thread – as bloody awful as it was typing all that out and partially rehashing it over in my head for the trillionth time! I’m just doing / thinking / feeling the same things as you both to get through a day at a time at the moment. Trying to learn what this ‘self care and self love’ is really all about!!
Kkasxo – in relation to the concert, you’re right, you need to do what is best for your wellbeing. Only you know exactly where you are with this. If you feel you can be balanced and grounded knowing you’re in the same room as him without frantically wanting to spot him and get his attention (with no guarantee of what his reaction will be), then be able to come home still feeling balanced, then you’re in a good place to try and go. However, if you think you won’t even be paying full attention to the concert because you know he’s there somewhere and it makes you feel anxious with just the thought of that, then don’t go and do something else instead that night, which will give you a sense of safety and comfort. The last thing you need is to put yourself under undue pressure. YOU matter. Not the money, not him, just you. It’s more than ok to be selfish. Oh I hear you on that expression about love not being enough. I thought that love was supposed to be everything and make everything worthwhile?! It’s another harsh reality of this world.
Shelbyville – I can really relate to what you say about the image of your ex feeling fuzzy. It’s been just over 6 weeks here and although I can see his form, his features are fuzzy. Which is really helping my recovery. I also deleted him from my social media came off facebook myself, so I’m not tempted to keep looking at his profile for the tiniest of changes or updates. It’s really hard but we need to cut off for our healing I think. Although I had noticed he’s still ‘following’ me on Instagram and looked at 2 of my recent stories that I posted. It was a very temporary satisfaction to know that he still had some curiosity over what I was up to….but it doesn’t last!
The mirror work is really strange but once you find your own little way to speak to yourself, it will fit. Try to do it for a few minutes each morning or evening. I found it’s more effective when you’re actually in a bit of a bad way. As soon as I looked into my own eyes, I saw so much sadness and weariness that I ended up (with tears streaming down my face) saying something like “I’m so so sorry I have ignored you and your true feelings for so long. All you’ve ever wanted was to be loved and appreciated and I’m so sorry I didn’t listen. YOU deserve the love first. I’ll always have your back every day from now on. I promise I will check in with you when things feel off. I promise to stand up for you and speak for you. I promise to put you and your heart first. YOU are important to me” You sort of end up seeing yourself as an innocent child who just needs protecting and you’re the only one who completely understands them. Your eyes are the window to your soul….I really felt that when I found my way through to myself.
I hope you both have the best day possible right now. Feel the sun on your skin and know that we have this day to take another step forwards. We can do it together if you like. đ
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 