Dear Anita,

Thank you for your kind and insightful words as always. I think it takes a lot of courage to undo old learnings and perseverance to change and keep up with the new behaviour. But I will try my best not to fall back into the comfort zone.

Best,

Michelle

Dear Anita,

Thank you for your reply.

Yes you are right. My childhood was lonely – at least from what I remember. But maybe my memories are distorted. I was sent to study in boarding school alone when I was 12, from what I remember, those years of boarding school I didn’t have very close friends and family is in another country. Whenever I tell my mother that I wanted to leave and go back home, she’d comfort me with her words. There were no showing of physical affections (well she couldn’t because we were in different countries). And so yes, probably that led me to think sadness is terrible. Because whenever I am sad, I was taught that I need to rationalise it, and I can only be comforted by rationalisation.

So I have to mention something that happened during the trip. The magic that I said. I was trekking with 2 other women, one is a mother and the other is her daughter in Nepal. That day I was sick and I had low sugar in my body, I almost fainted. That mother hold me like a child, stroked my hair, put me on her thigh and just rock me like a baby. For the first time I felt that being weak and vulnerable is okay. There’s someone there to comfort me, and love me, even though she isn’t my real mother. If it was my mother would probably give me something to eat, and let me lie down on my own. Another experience I had was when I was in Munich, I was very sad, my friend would hold me tight and tell me it’ll be okay. Both experiences led me to realise that when I’m sad, I didn’t have to talk myself out of misery, not at that moment. I can just feel sad and it is okay, and I will be comforted.

Back to the topic of marriage, previously you told me to discover what it is, what is in it. I tried to explore what marriage is, what love is, what it means to me, what I want in a marriage. I don’t need a 100% intimacy relationship, but I need some, probably more than most people. And I find that to be connected, I need to be vulnerable, and show my vulnerability. In the last thread, you said ““Something is just not right”- you know it but your awareness of what it is that is wrong, the awareness is limited. You “can’t explain” because your eyes, figuratively, are closed. You don’t want to see what is painful to see.”. Now I think I can see clearly what wasn’t right. The relationship we have is very logical, to me it’s lacking emotional bonding, especially when I feel sad or angry. When I show him my vulnerable side, he would, like my real mother, try to talk me out of misery or anger. Or he would leave me alone until I’m calmed down and then talk about it. Yes I agree sometimes this is a better solution, yet I also need the physical closeness to feel that I’m needed or loved especially when I am vulnerable.

You are probably right about the bonding with my real mother – that it will not happen, at least not the ways I need.

So now knowing what I want and need for bonding, is it possible to tell e.g. my husband that this is what I need to feel connected? Will expressing this help in current relationships with other people? Or as you said, bonding needs to be with someone else?

Thanks Anita, sorry this is a long reply.

Michelle

Thanks Anita,

That is very helpful. I will look into beginner’s mind and mindfulness. Thank you for your insightful guidance.

Hi Anita,

Sure – I was a really shy kid – whom tend to behave well and listen to my parents well. At 12 years old, my parents decided to put me in a boarding school in England which I refused to go, and I did escape the entry exam as a mean of voicing out that I don’t want to go. But it’s all for the best of me. I on the other hand went there feeling abandoned, during the teenage years I had several periods (at age 15 and 17 and 19) where I told my parents I wanted to return home (hong kong) but again, rejected (for better of me). So at that time I learned to be a people pleasing person to feel accepted and loved. Most of the time, I respect and follow what my parents want me to do.

But then I went into depression 5 years ago and I went to see a therapist to seek help. It was then I had a proper talk, well big conflict discussion with my parents about how things were and how I felt etc. It was also then I started to listen more to my heart. Right now my parents and I are in good terms – we have our boundaries in things, they know mine and I know theirs, but I don’t feel connected to them other than that.

Hi Maria and Anita,

I had a day retreat yesterday because it was my birthday. And I thought it would be a good thing to do for my birthday. I do feel more at peace with myself, helping me to re-evaluate things.

Anita:
One of the consequences is that I feel I jumped into my marriage too quickly. At that time I did have a hunch of making a second thought to this marriage thing, and from what I remember, at that time I felt that I should say yes because that guy (my husband now) previously had a rough time breaking up with his ex-fiance, and I didn’t want to break his heart again – like making him feel he can’t find love (old habits of thinking other people’s first). And when things go flowing and people swapping at you about weddings etc, I didn’t get the time to listen carefully to what my heart says, or so I believe.

I don’t know whether this is a fog in the air or what it is – when now getting better at listening and being brutally honest with myself, I find myself not wanting a “normal life” – have a stable job, have kids, etc, And recently it dawned onto me that however much we try to understand and communicate with each other, something is just not right – I can’t explain – it’s a feeling I guess.

Thanks for listening, it’s hard to write all these deep feelings down, maybe I’m just blinded, but I would really appreciate any insights from you (and others).

Hi Anita,

Thanks for replying and giving me such an insight. You are right about me feeling not perfecting the change. I do sometimes hope the new pathways can be built faster, so I make less “mistakes”? Yes I am trying to keep moving forward at this direction, it’s going to be tough when there’s conflict with the consequences I caused and what I want to do. And often at these times that I choose, my usual behaviour, to take care of other’s need first. SO I guess I just have to learn to deal with conflicts better.

Thank you for your time!