Hi Anita

You know what, I am also very confused as to what I did to her. On one hand I recalled her feeling very depressed because my comments about her work, about her way in dealing with people and things, on her personality etc. and on the other hand, I did encourage her to go and explore her interest(Although that did not necessarily involve me joining all the activities).I recalled feeling she wanted my attention and approval so much to a point that I felt stressed out. I am an introvert and am someone who needs independence, yet if I was just be myself it seemed that I couldn’t satisfied what she wanted, and she got depressed and couldn’t feel my care at all.
But in any case, may be how I look exposed what I truly thought, I didn’t find her inspiring or very attractive at times, I guess that’s where her complaints stem from.
however, reminding myself to use EAR in the future won’t harm at all!
And yes I know I shouldn’t slap her or use any physical force. I recalled I did hit her backpack and arms for one or two times in the first few days when I discovered the incident. Probably that has imprinted some scars on her as well
After that I did have very intense outburst at times, to a point that I grabbed my own arm very hard, there was times when I almost wanted to bang my own head. I did nothing phsycial to her, but I guess emotionally she was very scared already, seeing me in such intense emotions.

Thanks Anita

Chau

Dear Anita

Thanks
I have come up with a letter but just hesitating in whether I should give it to her. She seemed to be too scared to contact right before we stopped contacting which was just a week or so ago.
I am afraid I would trigger her with any kind of conversation that I initiated.

But for the things that I have said, for example, when she missed out dates, i would blame her for being careless, and said’ why couldn’t you just try another way and be less stubborn’ She would say ‘it’s hard for her to try new things’ and I usually would dismiss her feelings and said ‘it’s not that hard actually, give me your phone and let me set it up for you’

Thanks Anita, I think you have given me a very clear and helpful comments on how to judge the incident. It’s a great guiding light for me.

I am reviewing what you were saying and I realized for the cheating itself it seems that I shouldn’t bear with the guilt.
however as I review my previous interaction with her, I began to feel that I hit a few of the emotionally abusive pattern, for example, I did accuse her for being too sensitive, i did disregard her opinion, i did blame her for things that she seemed to be not doing right, and she did have a feeling that everything that i said was right, and she has lost a part of herself trying to follow my path.
I did feel dominate and at times i did feel it’s a bit over sometime.
And from the way she said she needed to leave me, she said she was very scared of me, it just fit the symptoms of someone being abused.
I find it hard to really make peace with it, feeling that I might have abused her. I have always thought i was a compassionate and kind person, and i guess that’s where the guilt came from.

My friends have been telling me that even if you were not good to her,the cheating itself makes the game even. But I guess it’s not ‘even’ that i am looking for, I kind of just want to know what had happened and understood myself better.

Would you be able to help me understand the abusive pattern better?
Thanks a lot for your advice.

Thanks for the comfort and confirmation. I am left with confusion when she said she hated me for making her go through the pain that I inflicted onto her. She thought the way that I accused her, digged details out and the tone of voice has left her wounded and she was now so hurt that she didnt know how to repair. I was empathetic and sorry that she had to go through this as well, I know no one wins in such situation and because of that, from time to time I felt I shouldn’t have expressed things like that. Or at least I should take a break to help with my own emotions before getting back together. I was not 100% into the relationship initially, and that made me wondered if I had done something wrong as well.
Thanks for your confirmation, I think it’s her way of dealing with this break up,she did have high hopes for us yet this has gone so terribly wrong. I can understand that she needed to distract herself by having someone around as well as accusing me instead. It just hurts a lot. To a point where I cant judge normally

I mean I did apologize for using physical force

The massive tantrums(which did involve accusing her for the wrong doings, crying very hard and accused her for hurting me) only happened after the cheating occurred. and she was unable to hold it anymore even though she wanted to make amend, and now she accused me for inflicting the hurt by accusing her of what she did. She said I digger things out and left her wounded.
I began to get very confused since I feel I am woronged, yet I am accused of the emotions that came out from such wrongdoing. I don’t know if I am right by saying I didn’t do that bad to make her cheat on me, but in my heart I do feel I wasn’t that bad to hee to deserve it.

In any case, thank you very much for the feedback, I am in a very lost and disorientated state.