Thanks Anita and Brievuong

Yes I think emotional and even cognitively I have a more well rounded understanding of the situation.
Now what i am missing is someone who cares for me when I am distressed, and someone who shares my life when I want to share.
She definitely is not able to connect to me in such a way now.
i went to an outing that supposedly the two of us would join together. We arranged it months ago.
I did tell her that I planned to go on the previous day, I think it’s just impolite to go without telling. and she did say ‘see you soon’, but late at night she txted me and said she wasn’t ready to see me, and she would quit if I wanted to go. Apparently she thought for some time before sending me the txt

We did talk a bit via txt, but apparently she was not wishing to share anything emotion-wise. she did reply, but they are mainly just very plain messages. She is no longer that person that I found caring and putting me in the first place, or important. She just wanted no connection with me.

It’s interesting that I brought some souvenir from the outing, and in the end i didn’t give her. During the outing I kept thinking it would be nice if she was around, I kept imagining she would respond well if i talk to her or give her nice gifts, but on second thought, I know she would just act cold or even reject me. I don’t want to look like a fool.

I still enjoyed the event, and i didn’t mean to kick her out because of me joining,I did however, thought of what would happen if I really see her, I did have expectation to see her. So it’s a bit disappointing that we can’t see each other and have talk.

Last night I also had a dream, that she was crying and coming back to me, saying that she was just lost and she was trying to do everything the cycle. I think I wanted her to say she regret? May be just want to win her over? probably that’s not even love.

@Brievuong , I think I am disappointed at the fact that I wasn’t able to treat her well when I was dating her, I had always been very reluctant to connect with her emotionally and that definitely has hurt her. I wasn’t able to do so until a later stage, but when I was more ready she cheated on me, because she said she was very vulnerable and desperately needed someone to care for.
I am also disappointed that she cheated on me and left me in the end, while she promised to make amends and made things better.
Now I can see a bit more clearer, that she really was quite selfish in that sense.

Thanks all, appreciate your responds and help = )

Hi Anita,

No problem at all!
I think i am strong enough to handle 10 hours on my own now =)

Appreciate your response, take good care too

Chau

Dear Brievuong,

thanks for your advice.
I think i did write journal on the first week or so when i stopped contacting her, and then i felt a bit better and lost track of it.
To be very frank I don’t feel it’s over yet. Images of her keep popping up no matter where i go. and to be frank I think i am very prone to obsessive behaviors
The emotions are still very strong towards her.
I am just trying to meditate and may be will resume writing my thought.
I want a better state of mind.

Thanks!
Clara

Hi Anita,
I think more often than not she is quite caring for me, i mean when she cheated on me that’s another story(which i didn’t see with my eyes). But those caring acts were what she did externally only. Coz if she was truly caring, she wouldn’t cheat.
and more often than not i remember myself being impatience and dismissive towards her. I think my mind is playing tricks with me and i just selectively choose memories out. I want to believe that this is not THAT bad. I want to believe she is not THAT bad.
But the fact is, when i was impatience or ‘mistreated’ her, she escalated the action to cheating, and when I reacted to it and threw tantrums, she escalated it further again by dumping me and getting back to my friend.
You are right.
I just need to remind myself of a more balanced picture.
Thanks

Chau

Hi Anita!
Good to hear from you again.
How are you? Hope you can recover ASAP.
May be I am just lonely at this stage and just finding a projection for my feelings, may be necessarily be her anyways.
Anyways in the end I decided not to join any event that I may see her at this moment, guess it’s best for my recovery.
Take good care!

Chau

Dear Anita

Thanks.
I feel a sense of relief after hearing your words.
I guess I tend to take up other people’s sadness or suffering, especially when I was in love. and tend to get very lost

I shall review it from time to time. I am feeling I am coming to terms with it 🙂

Thanks again Anita
Chau

Dear Anita

I understand what you mean. Thanks for sharing your own experience as well.
I think it makes much more sense to me now, and I finally realize the whole interaction.
I kept reading your last paragraph and I think you are right, I am trying to see myself better and improve on whatever mess that was left behind, while she puts the blame on me and might not be doing the same thing. Whatever that i try to do with our relationship, it wouldn’t work because relationship works from both ends.
I probably should love myself better and stop putting all these blames on myself.
Thank you so much. I really love your sharing and your insights.

Chau

Hi Anita

Thanks.I don’t know if I should be happy to hear this or not. Afterall we have been together for a year or so and I truly believed she did give me her heart during that period of time, and did try to treat me really well(I think). But now i realize, being with a person doesn’t only involve being good to the partner, but also improve yourself and be good to yourself so your partner would have a truly good companion.

I think all my friends said what you said, but when I saw her crying like hell on the date we broke up, I did believe that she was very hurt and this is out of her control, and i did think “may be I really treated her very bad when we were dating”, and that she was just a silly little girl who was very lost. I know her friends didn’t like me either, apparently because she said I was very harsh on her. May be i didn’t love her enough, or may be i did not express love in a way that she wanted so that she felt neglected or disrespected. I have no idea now and I wouldn’t be able to figure that out. I just need to learn from my experience and let it go.

During the one month try out period after the incident, she did say she would stand by me and would like to listen to me vent out, or cry or whatever, but it’s just too much for her i guess?After the break she said I have hurt her and put her through all these. She just puts the blame on me so she can move on easier.But that’s another stab on me, especially because she approached my ex-friend immediately afterwards.
And yes, she blamed me for getting hurt, either by not responding well to her expression of love and care, not giving her the attention she wants when we were dating(thinking of that we really aren’t too compatible). I think i did blame her for not understanding me enough, not giving me enough space etc. But I guess that’s a matter of how to interact with each other.
But then eventually she blamed me hurting her through all the accusation, shouting and yelling because of the the cheating.
Now I remember why I wanted to escape from her when we were dating, I have to owe her feelings too and that’s a burden on me.

Anyways, lesson learned.
1) Even if I don’t like this person, I need not to be mean or criticize her(and apply the EAR)
2) If I can’t help but want to criticize her or be mean, I should leave this person
3) I should set my boundaries better( I guess I let her hurt me one and again by the cheating and by the accusation afterwards)
4) Never get together with someone when I am not emotionally ready, it never works. (i do feel i brought some wrong expectation to this relationship because of my previous relationship)

I think afterall, we need to give meanings and learn from whatever happened, however harsh or difficult situations are.
Thanks Anita

Chau