Hi Anita

Thanks for your kind words.

I realized i fluctuate quite a bit after i decided to just ignore the message.

I still didn’t reply , i wanted to at some point, and i even typed out something, but i didn’t send it out in the end.

I was so bothered that I unblocked her today, and checked on her facebook, I finally realized why.

I saw that she seemed to be all very well, i guess much better than the time when we were together, our relationship seemed to be quite a toxic one anyways. When i found that she was all well and txted me, i realized probably i have assumed that something happened, possibly something bad happened, that she wanted to reach out and find me, and that she needed help. or may be she  has broken up with my ex-friend, and that she just came to find me, or may be she misses me? i don’t even know, anyhow, i catastrophized that bad things happened and that I didn’t know what and how to deal with it. and i probably felt guilty about it as well, for not replying. and may be i am missing out on someone who still had a chance with me to recitify the wrongdoing?

and i was bothered for so long

and now I think may be she…wants to be friends or something? while she is all well and strong, and possibly still with my friend, she wants to be friends with me? i really doubt if she has considered whether it’s appropriate and whether i was ready, all this terrible thing that happened, it’s more like she feels like she was ready so she reached out, while she didn’t realize the magnitude of the damage that she has done.

I was looking at her picture, but all i felt was everything other than love. I mean when you look someone you love, a warm feeling comes naturally from your heart, you see her smile and you would smile. But when i look her new pictures, all i felt were negative feelings such as envy? distrusting, anger etc. they aren’t positive at all, which clearly tells me that i shouldn’t get in touch with her.

I guess her intent, as you said, is totally irrelevant, but for some reason my well-being was bothered by her intent.

I don’t know why, i think there is something inside me that is still disorganized or unclear about it, that i would allow this to bother me for so long.

it even made me want to withdraw from my new date.

I don’t know if it makes sense but i guess it fluctuates?

Thanks for reading Anita,

best

Chau

Dear Anita

Thanks for replying, as always

I haven’t replied her yet, i sense that I feel a bit angry because she is trying to cross my line, since for me I was quite deliberate and clear, yet she was still asking to meet up, which for me, she is not listening.

I guess not replying will be the respond that I have for her.

I think you are right Anita, old  habit still creeps in when things like this happen, it has reminded of the old way of thinking and doing, just by seeing her profile picture makes me think of a lot of things that happened in the past, those that I think are not even relevant to my life now.

I have established new habits and a lot  of new friends, who all seem to be contributing positively to my life now. I have a group of new friends who run regularly with me, I have this newly met date, and of course I have all the friends who have been with me for years.

I was just thinking since I was so emotional at the time that I read her message, and that i was a bit bothered afterwards, does that mean i still have some lingering shadow that i need to deal with.

But I guess the way that I am coping with it is, just put down all the things that makes me feel negative(interacting with her included), and just leave it like that and see how it goes.

Don’t know if that makes sense, but I guess I just don’t want these unnecessary negativity in my life. I am quite committed my own happiness and not falling into that depressive mode anymore again.

Thanks Anita, always feel warm when talking to you

Take care

Chau

Hi Anita and all
Hope all is well!
I am back from my two months backpacking trip and thanks for the advice last time, it was very useful to me especially when you said the moment that I stay misery is a life lost, and i totally agree to it.
I was expecting my 3 days local tour in Bolivia when I left a message to you, and it turned out that my tour was the best tour in my own trip, I have met some very good tour-mates and it’s an amazing.
Good that i didn’t give up =)
Anyways, I am back home now, landed two days ago, still find the contrast so hugh, and still consolidating my learning throughout the trip.
I still have episodes of bad memories coming up during and after the trip, I am not sure if i have fully recovered, but one thing i am sure is I am certainly proud of myself having done this. I even can feel myself very fit and a lot more muscular since I have been carrying heavy loads very often =)
Thanks Anita, take good care until we talk again

Chau

hi anita and all
hope you all had a wonderful start of a new year! i have been travelling alone in south america on my own for four weeks now, exactly in te middle of it.
i had my high and lows, highs being first immersed in another totally remote country, meeting people from all over the world, and experience wonders on earth. low being alone yet needing to take care of everything, breaking the camera that my brother lent with a stupud mistake( and i still ruminate on it and keep blaming myself since its a gift some years ago for my sister in law)
and ocassionally sites dont turn out to be the way they were expected.
my ex and my ex-fd ocassionally came up to my mind as well, which really surprised me since i thought i was quite over it by now.
today i have just postponed my trip for a day just to take a good night sleep , as well as i was totally down because of the breakdown of the camera( its very minor i know, yet i blamed myself for the whole day), i feel like i want to go home now, being alone out in the other half of the world suddenly feels lonely.
usually this “home sick feeling kicks in after i travel for two or three weeks, i dont know what will happen when i pass through that, i have never done that.
flashbacks in places at home often pops up at times, its interesting to realize places that i have never really felt so strongly about, are actually quitr imprinted in my mind.
i was also having a bad time talking to one of my friend who cares dearly, saying that leaving home for two months is selfish, knowing tha chinese new year is coming and that we are chinese, and that one of my uncle passed away recently and i was not around.
i thought of shortening my journey, i realie as i travel around the sites, thinhs are similar and they do not excit me as much as i expected. but i guess i still want to complete it, for whatever sake.
i hope all is well on your side and take good care until we talk again.
best wishes
chau

Dear anita
Thanks. This makes a lot of sense to me.
Especially when i re read it again, it gives me new light.
Remember i talked about quitting and wanting to travel?
I talked to my boss and eventually i was given two months leave, its kind of sudden but late dec to late feb is the time frame where i can leave.
So i will be leaving home for two months.
But i had a sudden feeling of insecurity popping up, as soon as i booked the flight, reading your post, i think it might be this insecurity that made me cling onto her. The need for acceptance, the fear of being alone and detaching from the world, forgotten or abandoned.
I remembered i had this feeling before, when i was climbing up the mountains in nepal, i had high altitudd sickness and i felt like i would die, and i so wanted to cling on to my then partner, who was no around.
But eventually i reached the high pass,and it became one of the most valuable experience in my life.
Its scary to put myself out there alone, and my “scared of insecurity ” self is dragging me and nagging me, although this is something that i have been thinking of for a long time, go out and explore the world.
Quite nervous now. Wish me luck!
Chau

Hi anita
Thanks. When u say it i do realize everytime i talk to her, it just made me worse. But i guess my reminiscent nature that keeps me stuck. I will stay keeping them out of my life. It just takes time, but i think i will get there.
Thanks so much
Chau

Hi Anita, Brie and all

Hope all is well!It’s another month of my recovery.
i bumped into her the other day, she was going back to her place by herself, i went up to her, and we talked a bit. she told me she just had dinner with that friend, the friend who cheated with her on me.
After we parted, we had a conversation via whatsapp, i have always imagined what I would say to her if I see her again, I just hoped it wouldn’t be as evil/wicked as the one we had when we parted. So told her i was grateful for her effort made during the time when we dated, and that i took my responsibilities for whatever i have not been doing well, those accusation that I made, I was mean and harsh at times etc.I also mentioned briefly that i was depressed and angry at everything in this world for a period of time.
She said she was feeling guilty and at the same time angry, angry at herself and me for not breaking up on the first time we said we should,so that this wouldn’t happen.
We did talk about some trivial things some days later, and eventually I said I tried to come back to give closure/answer/reconcile, but I sensed a wall that she built, and if that’s the case there was no point in trying. She quickly said she appreciated my goodwill but was not ready to talk, wishing me happy mid autumn festival and quickly closed the convo.
I finally managed to completely block both their facebooks, cleared all whatsapp messages and deleted her from my phone book, no checking if she or my friend was online whatsoever.
I haven’t heard from her for months and I have been giving her the benefit of doubts, thinking she might at least want to make peace? Acknowledged the effort we made and we did have some good times? And eventually what I heard was that she was angry with me. I might not love her enough, I might have done something wrong, but angry with me after months of calming down, while she was the one cheated? If I could take responsible for hurting her during the time that we were dating (which I think all relationships involved some kind of hurt inevitably, deliberate or non-deliberate), why couldn’t she?
And now, after handling the hurt of betrayal, the anger, the self-doubt(which all still exist from time to time), I am dealing with the end of this relationship, there is no room for misunderstanding. She has gone for real, and I think I am mourning it these days since when I recalled those happy/sad moments, I can go into depressed state.
And that can get me quite down at times. And from time to time, I was so afraid of getting back to when I was seriously depressed, I could sense that it was still here, I could cry in the office in the morning when no one was watching, and I yelled and shouted and cried last night when I was finally able to be alone.
Sometimes I can’t even figure out why, and what it is, it’s been months and it’s still haunting me.
Any thoughts or sharing? Helpful to hear some objective opinions.

Thanks for all the support, appreciate!
Chau