hi anita and all

thanks for the advice

i have tried to sink in what has happened and eventually i have decided to take a break from her. before that, we were still contacting everyday even after everything was clear. although we were just chatting on random things, but i realized whenever i suspected she was with her gf(she never explicitly told in these few months that she has gone out with her partner, so in a way i feel like any moment can be a time with her partner), i feel pretty uncomfortable

i just needed to recaliberate everything, just to readjust being a friend first. she has also hinted that she wouldnt break up with her partner even if there is someone whom she might be interested in while she was dating.

its been a few days since i stopped contacting her, its a bit uneasy at times. but i think this is the right move,  i have this anger and sad emotions that gradually flow out, which isnt good for any kind of relationship, friendship included.

its like a mutual agreement in a way, i did talk to her on a why and we did have a discussion before we stop contacting.

thanks for the advice all along

cheers

chau

Dear Anita

I think you are pretty right haha, I am a pretty monogamous person.

I think at the back of my mind I am still not treating her as just a friend, and thus that’s where the cut off from her comes from.  I think it’s more about whether I have made up my mind to really JUST be friend, or cling on to a tiny hope that she actually would break up with her partner and is available later.

I guess if i can adjust my expectation to not treat her as potential girlfriend even when we continue to interact, then we can continue as friends. But if i can’t adjust my expectation and keep lingering on the hope that she will turn to me, then i guess i can’t be friends with her?

I guess that’s about it?

Chau

Hi Anita

Equally happy here to read from you. I hope life is treating you well

We did talk about it eventually. I told her it’s not fair that we got close while she had a girlfriend, and the thing that i scared/ hate the most is being the reserve to her relationship. I think a lot of it comes from the betrayal last time too, my senses towards these related situation are basically heightened.

I think as she realized I was angry and upset about her conscious/unconscious hiding of her having a partner, she  did confide to me on her relationship history and status. I think part of her really didn’t want to talk about her partner, just because it also consists of lots of negative emotions, involving betrayal, distanced and hurt.

She did say sorry for doing/not doing whatever that we talked about(saying it out earlier, doing something to not lead me on etc). I think part of my trust that, just because i think it really isn’t a topic that she would bring up easily to anyone. But part of me do not, just because i feel like she could easily tell me these even in a causal way, so i feel i was lead on . And also i can’t deny my feelings that i feel used, and hurt and angry.

She did tell me that she thought of developing a relationship with me, until a point where her partner came back to her and thus things got changed.

I don’t know if i should cut her off, while in a way, we are just friends, and also i think i do like talking to her. But part of me feels angry and upset, and i do care for her and i know it’s a difficult time for her.

She knew that i had that thought, of cutting her off. She did say at one point, that she would let me think and decide on it.

So I am kinda stuck now. I am thinking to cut off from her, but part of me, understand what is going on with her and want to support her, but gradually, i feel like it is at an expense of my emotional wellbeing

I hope that makes sense. Thanks so much for reading, looking forward to your next reply

Cheers

Chau

Dear Anita

Thanks so much for your prompt reply, as always. Thanks for remembering me too 🙂

I think that makes perfect sense, to attain a win win situation.But I think it takes a lot of wisdom, on both sides, to attain that.Probably still needs some time to figure it out.

I had an experience recently that I want to share, about my ex. The other day i used an essential oil that i brought from Croatia, where i had my very last trip with my ex and that’s where i found out she was cheating on me. i was aware that this particular one was from Croatia but I didn’t realize how it could trigger my memory. I think i had been quite consciously avoiding to use it, but somehow it has been in my drawer long enough for me to forget that i was avoiding it.

I was doing yoga at home with it and suddenly an image popped up which is a scene on the day, i was picking up a flower for my ex. That’s exactly the day when i bought the essential oil and basically that’s the day when everything unfolded. Eventually i went through a mental journey on the things that we did on that day, and the days onwards.

i couldn’t recall much about that day previously. I think it’s too traumatic that i had mentally blocked everything out. And when this particular aroma elicited the images of that day, i couldn’t help but cried for quite a while. and as i was crying i thought ‘finally i  could remember things that happened on that day’.

Heart felt quite heavy initially, but eventually it subsided.

I was still able to see my ex and my ex-friend together in social media once in a while,  we still have common friends. Sometime i can’t really figure out what i feel when i saw her/ them together, but i know the emotions that i have is a lot milder, which i can easily put aside and focus back on the day.

and i guess from time to time i feel i am unsure of whether i could find someone i could really love and get along? that adds to the feeling of a lot of ‘what if’. What if i didnt’ have those tantrums, would i be with her and would she be the one. always been someone who is quite insure, sounds silly but from time to time, i do think ‘may be being with someone can solve the insecurity’

of course there is another voice and for now I am still on my own(actually quite happily) , just that there are ups and downs and things like these happen

But overall, i can’t complain, came back from the lowest afterall.

I hope life treats you well and that everything is fine on your side too

And yes, just another few days to go and it’s another brand new year

Cheers

Chau

hi anita!

coming back to tell that i have finished the marathon yesterday!

the course was a bit more difficult than i had thought, but i just kept telling myself to run forward regardless. in fact, i felt quite alright the entire way, all the preparation, both mental and physical ones, allowed me to keep going despite some ups and downs. its hard to imagine that i am leas to here a year ago!

regarding your explanation, it may be right, but i think these exist only in my mind and i cant really figure whether this is true or not, may be its me having this idea that they want to treat if as if no harm done( which after you said it, i do have this impression that this is what they are trying to make me think)

anyways, i am so happy that i have done it, and am thinkng to keep this running habit, it calms my mind

hope things are good on your side. all the best

chau

Dear Pearce Hawk

Thanks for such a beautiful metaphor. I think, and hope that i am on the right path. But I guess there are ups and downs along the way. relationship and emotions have always been my archille’s heels, it can drag me to a space where i find it hard to stay sane.

But I guess i always try to stop and think a bit before i act in general, it’s hard for someone who is  very sentimental and full of feelings, yet i think i am practicing it.

Dear Anita

Icing helps, and rest more! you can also stay with us and talk with us =)

Indeed it is just  a very causal communication. we just talked about each other’s life in general, ocassionally something about our value etc. i think it’s mainly because  we talk consistently for half a year, it’s just like habit, that i feel comfortable with. and talking to this person, for some reason even on the first time that we met, i felt very very at ease, which is quite unusual. I guess she was not someone on my to-date list, so much younger and i don’t often get attracted to people with her outlook, she did help me break some boundaries, in terms of who to look for in a romantic relationship.

But in any case, I can keep on fantasizing, you are right too, my peace of mind is  so hard to attain that I need to safeguard.

she can be a good  friend, just not now, not when I would fantasize a romantic relationship could happen while she  stated that she treated me as good  friend.

I look forward to having such mutual love too, hope i can tell you at some point of my life

Take very good care

Chau

hi anita and all
how are you? hope everything is fine =)
kind of becomes and habit that i update here, hope its ok to occupy some airtime from time to time
recently i have become quite close to someone, we always have a very light hearted, supportive conversation and i really enjoy her company. i never imagine myself being able to develeop feelings for someone who is 8 years younger than i am, but she surprised me on her maturity.
but not until recently did we talk about our relationship, she wanted to remain friends while i have told her i developed my liking and attachment on her. i appreciate the honesty and i also am happy that at least i got an answer for my question.
its been two weeks since we talked about it. she did ask if i want to adjust how we interacted, we basically txt everyday still, sometime more, sometime less depending on the day. i couldnt have a conclusion at the time and i kind of wanted to see how i would feel afterwards before any adjustment is made. but recently i feel the urge to cut the tie, primarily to cut off the attachment for her. for me, i dont txt a fd everyday, updating myself and each other’s life on a daily basis. i do want to recalibrate the relationship, i feel like she would be a good fd, if i could adjust the feeling.
but as i am preparing to initiate the conversation, i feel the insecurity bubbling, may be deep down i am afraid of losing it all, well, while i havent even got it.
i do doubt if this is necessary at time, but i am quite sure this is insecurity talking to me. and so as i think ahead, i am thinking what i need to do to prepare myself.
i did dream of my cheating ex, and kept thinking of reaching out to her these days, i think i am scared of losing this tie with this person would make me feel lonely etc
well but u guess its quite clear to me after i type it out, i just want some insight on how to better prepare myself if you can think of any idea.
well other than that, life is good. been jogging extensively and work wise i am progessing well, proud that my project is developing well
look forward to speak to you again

cheers
chau