Kayyli,

I’m not even kidding you when I say that my situation was almost exactly what you’re talking about. My dad was almost exactly like your mom, and my mom and grandmother was like your dad. They saw the physical and mental/emotional abuse my father put me and my brother through, yet they just turned the other way. That gave me such an inferiority complex, too; clearly I’m less than dirt because my own family doesn’t even care to protect me.

I sometimes have dreams of my dad sexually abusing me, but I’m not really sure that happened. To be honest, I just can’t remember.

The don’t-speak-unless-spoken-to thing resonates, too. When I first moved in with him, my husband would ask me why I’m so quiet and why I always ended every sentence with, “I’m sorry.” I began to wonder, too, and that was the first time in my 18 (almost 19) years of life that I realized I was abused.

I thought about killing myself and my parents multiple times, too. I thought, “God, it would be so much easier if I/they were dead.” My dad was/is also a major alcoholic, and he almost got arrested for it once. I remember sitting in the car, shaking and praying that he would go to jail so that the abuse would stop.

I’m not sure if this helps you at all, but just know you’re not alone. I have CPTSD from my ordeal, too, and I know how hard it is. The important thing to remember is that you are worth it. You’re worth being alive to see yourself getting better. You’re worth putting those people and those memories behind you. I’m so sorry you couldn’t trust the people closest to you, and I know that’s one of the most awful things a person can endure.

Just stay strong and remember that you are in control of your life now, not your family.