Hello CR! I hear you, and relate to your dilemmas. I know it may be off-message to say this, but it occurs to me maybe you need an adventure? Just pack up and go travelling. You can live cheaply in rural areas or off the beaten track, especially if you can work from anywhere. Or join an intentional community that has many of the supportive qualities you found in religion, but without the religion and its lies (if that is what they were)? Be a hermit. Be a helper. Be a volunteer or co-worker with a charity. May your bright star lead you to where the leaves and buds unfold. Cathy