Hi Prash,

Thank you for your input. I’ll definitely try some of those. I always thought that such methods never worked so I never committed to them but I really want to try to change because I hate who I’m becoming.

Hi there anita, I’ll answer your questions here.

1. You wrote: “In the last 6 months, I’ve suggested a break (temporary one) twice”. Question: was your motivation to have a break in the relationship or did you threaten a break so to cause him distress and in so doing, cause him to spend more time with you?

Will it be okay with you that he neglects his studies so to spend more time with you?

1. Mainly I suggested it to him with the hopes of him changing and trying to understand from my view. I know it sounds highly manipulative to do it this way and in a sense play with his feelings, but I feel like it’s the only way I can get him to change. I have always emphasised how important these monthsary lunches are but it was as if he did not take it seriously until I said that maybe we should take a break since I wasn’t on his priority list. To which he finally realised and changed. I feel bad I had to resort to this but frankly I am not so sure if he would have changed if all I did was simply reiterate my feelings about these monthsary dinners all the time.
Also, I really don’t want him to neglect his studies to spend more time with me. I feel like when it comes to that, the problem is with me instead. I’m too clingy to him and he was previously but now studies are on his mind and he is nothing close to how he was before. I want to learn how to cope being not able to be with him the whole time like how we could have done so before. For the past 6 months, we have Skyped every day doing our own thing, not even talking but just having each other there. So the fact that now he doesn’t want to do that, I don’t know how to deal with it. 

2. You wrote: “I feel like I’m always making him feel inadequate… I don’t make him feel like he will ever be enough for me”.What specifically did you say to him that you think communicated to him that he is inadequate and will never be enough for you?

2. For example, he recently stopped telling me about the little things which he usually would do like “Hey hun, I’m about to have lunch now I’ll be back” or “You know I had a really good pasta just now just wanted to see if you’ve eaten” to now, he does not do anything of that anymore, and says “Oh, I’m just studying. Sorry, I’ll talk later”. The boyfriend I know would at least say something instead like “Sorry hun, I’m busy now but I’ll reply after I’m done with this”. He doesn’t say anything like that anymore! He even admitted to ignoring my message just to finish what he’s doing with the pretence of “Oh, I want to rush this so I can talk to you.” And it’s not as if he even talks to me when he’s done! So I end up highlighting all these, but I’ve never used harsh words, only a harsh tone. I say things like “If you don’t care just say it to my face” or ” I’m honestly feeling really neglected, and you know that if we were in reversed positions, I would do anything for you” to which he ends up replying with “I’ll never be enough would I?”

3. You mentioned “in the heat of the moment of an argument”. How often do the two  of you argue, who starts the arguments, and what is it that you say to him in the heat of an argument?

What does he say to you in the heat of an argument?

3. The last time we argued was yesterday night. The previous time we had a huge argument was about 4 weeks ago regarding the 5th monthsary he willingly missed. I’m always the one starting it to which I feel bad for but also feel that my anger was justified. I say the same as I mentioned in point 2 ^ above there. I mean I feel like I use logic to argue but make it such that my tone is somewhat angry, sad, hurt and threatening all at the same time.
What he says is he again brings up the good things he’s done in the past and says “Am I not enough for you?” or “Do you even take into consideration how I feel” which doesn’t make sense if he was the one who technically ‘did the wrong’. I don’t know if I’m being self righteous or all these are very justifiable.

// On a side note, I’ve started to feel numb to him the past 3 days. I’m not sure if it’s my subconscious trying to shield me from possibly getting hurt or something, but when I say I love you, it feels empty. In the last 3 days I’ve only said it once and really have been trying to avoid saying it because I just don’t know how I’m feeling. I really don’t know if I deserve better or I need to learn to be more realistic.