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Cat

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  • in reply to: Everything. #191289
    Cat
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thanks for your speedy response. I can see how it was interpreted that way, and also read that way. A few years ago I would of said yes, actually I was wrong to question it…..But in all totality of the universe, what is wrong with asking a question?

    My questioning was actually quite child-like and out of a place of curiosity rather than a place of defence. I think too many people are quick to see others as being defensive or attacking, whereas sometimes it is just people, like myself being open-minded enough to share my previous experiences with the woman in the shop. My aim was to strike up conversation about it, as I was genuinely interested as to why they do charge 50p – as I’ve never heard of that before.

    If you read it, I never explicitly said that I was against the idea of paying the 50p, I simply asked a question. And when I say about me putting it up in other cafe’s etc. I’m merely sharing my experience…. The same way a child would, if they were told to go to bed at 8pm, but the previous night were allowed to stay up until 11. The child would say “But I was allowed to stay up until 11 last night?” – coming from a place where they are trying to understand the inconsistencies… The aim for me was to start up a conversation about what shops do charge and what shops don’t, purely from a place of curiosity.

    If other people wish to see me and interpret me as aggressive for questioning out of curiosity,being honest to the woman and saying that cafe’s don’t charge, and then standing up for myself against a girl who’s instantly assumed my intentions andΒ feels entitled to then passively try and belittle me – then I’m completely fine with that πŸ™‚ I walk away knowing my true intentions and who I am as a person, and they are left with their misconceptions of me in their minds.

    Unfortunately it happens to me a lot – I am just honest and people take that as they will – some get me and others don’t. At the end of the day I’d rather be honest and misunderstood/ seen as controversial than not be honest, be careful of what I say and in turn remain anxious and paranoid what people think all the time.

    Cat

    in reply to: Everything. #191267
    Cat
    Participant

    Dear Mark,

    Definitely. I have lived most of my life believing that my thoughts/ actions/ opinions are wrong, and therefore I have lived so long hiding away with anxiety and depression, and finding myself just falling in to situations. Even having the confidence to get out of bed is a big thing for me – especially in this house where I know I am judged. And because I tend to get to sleep around 4am, due to the unsettled living environment. I had a really good day yesterday (I will explain why in my message to Anita below) – and it made me realise once again, who I am and what I stand for, and why the world does need someone like me.

    At the moment I am on anti-depressants, and I will be talking to the bank this week to see what I can do financially for the next couple of months to get me out of this house, and town. The town that I live in is very conservative, and I often get judged and labelled as “trouble” just for standing up for myself. It’s very behind with the times and I do often get judged for a) having an opinion and b) for how I look. I’m going to have a bit of faith in the Universe, as I’m aware now that this town. house, job does not make me happy, and have faith that I will soon be moving to a place that accepts me for who I am and that I am happy in – like Bristol.

    I took some time out last night/ today to watch ‘Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind’. This evening I am going to be emailing potential houses….. Thank you for your support – above everything happening right now, it has been the thought of the tiny buddha community and feedback on this post that has really given me that strength and hope and sense of understanding that I need.

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for being supportive of my assertiveness πŸ™‚ From a young age I was taught to remain quiet, that having an opinion is wrong, and that having my own thoughts and identity was a bad thing. I came from a heavily sexist household, and so I was never really taught to be proud to be a woman, or that it was okay to be a woman and have an opinion (it’s crazy I know). I think that’s why nowadays I don’t put up with any sort of belittlement/ patronising from anyone, because my childhood was wasted living in fear and anxiety – and that’s something I’ll never get back…. So when I do manage to make it in to town, I do assert myself and speak back if I’m spoken to in a disrespectful way, because if I didn’t I think it would send the message that it’s okay to talk to people like that.

    I went in to town yesterday, and funnily enough I had a testing situation in a charity shop – presenting me with this exact situation. I actually got labelled as “trouble” for asserting myself, and I think you’ll find this interesting.
    Here is what happened:

    One of the few times I head in to town (because a lot of the time I stay at home with depression and anxiety), to put up some gig posters. I went in to a charity shop (who still had my old poster up from before). It went like this:

    Me: “Hey, is it okay to put my gig poster up in here please? My old one’s still in the window”.
    Woman on till: “Yes sure, so you already know that it’s 50p to put up a poster”.
    (I didn’t know this as before the woman let me put it up for free, so I just replied honestly).
    Me: “Oh I didn’t know that, as last time the woman let me put it up for free”.
    Woman on till: “Yes, it’s 50p, as most places charge to put it up”.
    (Again, I wasn’t saying that I wasn’t going to pay the 50p, I just know that other places in town don’t charge so I replied honestly).
    Me: “Oh really? Most of the cafe’s let me put it up for free”.
    (I was starting a general conversation, I never said I wasn’t going to pay the 50p).

    There was a girl in the shop, who I’ve previously encountered at one of my gigs, who tried to close the door of the venue (and therefore would make me lose potential people), because “not everyone wants to hear that”. Although I reminded her that I was paying Β£80 for the venue, and it wasn’t 11pm yet so the door should stay open. (The door stayed open).

    This girl was in the shop and made a passive snide remark (she was trying to be very belittling):
    “It’s just 50p, it’s a tiny little charity!”

    Me: “Of course I’ll pay the 50p, I was only asking”.

    *I pay the 50p*

    Women on till: “Would you like to put it up or should I?”
    Me: “You can do it if you want, thanks”.

    Before I left I went up to the girl and said:
    “Excuse me, but next time can you mind your own business”.

    Then there was outrage.

    Women on till: “You know what, I’m not putting your poster up, you’re trouble. You’re stroppy”.
    Me: “Why? Because I stand up for myself?”

    *I take the poster back”

    Women on till: *continues calling me names*, “You can have your 50p back”.

    Me: “Keep your fucking 50p”.

    *Leaves*.

    At first I worried about this and phoned my friend Emily – she told me that I shouldn’t worry about what I think, and because I’m a young punk girl who is trying to create a music scene in a conservative town – I’m always going to have people who don’t like that. I posted this story on facebook, and one of my friends and my sister, said that is was probably a combination of being assertive, but also because of my appearance – green hair, face piercings etc. They said that some people do just see outspoken alternative people and see them as “trouble” which isn’t fair.

    When I was at home last night, I felt the most self-love that I have felt in a while. Why?? Because after that girl had tried to belittle me, my heart was saying “Before you leave, stand up to her”. It was a test, and I knew I had to do it. If I hadn’t of stood up to her, I would of walked away, scared, intimidated by her and probably walking home with depression and anxiety. It was scary but I’m glad that I did and I’m glad that I stood up for myself, even though there was backlash against me. The choice was between standing up for myself, or being allowed to be made to feel small, and I will always stand up for myself, even if that gives me a bad reputation amongst people who don’t understand me.

    Thank you for your advice on the living situation. You are right, it is dangerous and it has been affecting me for months. It’s one of the reasons why I cannot work at the moment, as I was going to work in this very low energy state which wasn’t good. I am going to the bank this week to talk with them and see if they can help me get out of this situation. Fingers crossed they will be able to help, I am emailing potential houses tonight.

    Wow. Thank you for sharing that. I knew that people on tiny buddha would have similar experiences to me, as I have found throughout my life that a lot of people who are spiritual or religious, are so because of the experiences that they have had in their lives, which has pushed them to seek for answers. My parents are a massive reason why I searched long and hard for my faith, and so for that I am grateful.

    I relate so much – and I know the feeling of that heavy burden… How did you overcome it? Was it simply giving it time? I can imagine overcoming something like that would be like removing the grey skies and seeing the sun again.

    Cat

     

    in reply to: Everything. #190883
    Cat
    Participant

    Bryan,

    Thanks for commenting on this post and sharing your story. Please could you start your own post on one of the forums and share your story there? This means that members will be specifically replying to your situation, as this thread is about what’s happening in my life at the moment. I would try and give advice, but at the moment I myself am at a very confusing crossroads time and therefore seeking advice on here. Thank you.

    Anita,

    Thank you for saying that. I think especially now I really need to start making choices that I know will better my life. I do need some practical advice from others, as at the moment I am just staying in bed all day trying to find motivation to carry out my goals, even doing small things like going to the shops to buy food. Part of the reason I feel so trapped is because I have an inconsiderate housemate (who I mentioned before) who keeps me awake until 4 in the morning, and therefore it means I sleep through my alarm and sleep to the afternoon. I really want to try and wake up earlier, and put steps towards my goals. I really need genuine advice and support to do this. I’ve been putting on gigs, but still that’s me doing things for other people and not putting myself first. Lots of bands are messaging me but I can’t find the energy to reply as I really don’t know what my next step is. I want to move to a different house, yet at the same time because of my current living situation I feel really unmotivated so it’s like a catch 22. I really need to break free from this cycle.

    These are the things that I am thinking about:

    1. I’m not sure if I should stay here and work on getting healthier before moving, or try and move asap so I am out of this situation.

    2. I’m not sure if I should try and go back to my current work where I am unhappy, and try and be healthy there, and then save money to move to Bristol, or if I should move to Bristol and find a job there.

    3. I’m not sure if I should put this gig on in March, as it would make me look good as a promoter, but at the same time I need to sort my life out and focus on where I want to be instead of focusing on bands.

    I’ve been thinking about these questions for over a week, looking at Angel Numbers, tarot cards etc. And I still can’t see a way out due to financial stress.

    Any advice is really appreciated. Please feel free to see what I have written to Peter and reply to that too.

    Peter,

    No worries, thanks for listening to what I had to say and thanks for seeing things from my perspective, and labelling the message πŸ™‚ I do appreciate your views on faith, doubt, change etc. And I do agree with you – I do need to accept change. At the moment life has pushed me to a place where I really do need to make a change and start living for me, instead of resisting change and hiding away in my room depressed and unmotivated. Please could you read what I wrote to Anita, and give me some practical advice about those situations too?!

    I think at the moment I am scared….. I am scared to sort out my bedroom and sell things and look at old photos and notes etc. because doing so means I have to face all those emotions that I have felt in the past. Like I have to confront the person I was and what I have been through and it all isn’t nice. Therefore I don’t look at it because it reminds me of family, parents, old friends etc and all of it is just emotional overload. Even waking up and stepping outside and going in to town…..It’s almost like I feel guilty for simply living my life or being confident or free because my parents never had that freedom, and deep down my soul thinks, well if they can’t have it, why should I? They always said I was so lucky to have the things I did and looked sad because they didn’t have it and made me feel guilty πŸ™ πŸ™ πŸ™ πŸ™ It’s bad because of that guilt I feel, and because they made me feel sorry for them so much, it’s like when I’m presented with the unknown I refuse to take it because in the back of my mind I feel so sorry for my parents not having these opportunities – yet at the same time it’s their own abusive behaviour that has held them back from that. I guess deep down I feel responsible for it all, and I really feel like a massive moral weight is on my shoulders.

    I feel guilty for taking steps towards my own self-care/ self-love/ putting myself first because my parents never did and never could, and never taught me how to. I can’t remember one time as a child or growing up where I was just allowed to be happy or at peace as everything me and my sister did was wrong, and so I find it really hard to find peace and happiness in the present, without being hard on myself. It makes me want to cry so much. I’ve been to therapy but I couldn’t talk about it because the feeling is so indescribable, it’s like being morally and soulfully contracted to carry out a life under their pains and misery, and feeling like I am harming them if I choose to love myself and therefore cut them out of my life etc. It’s the worst feeling in the world.

    Cat

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Cat.
    in reply to: Everything. #190707
    Cat
    Participant

    Peter,

    First could I ask that you write the messages properly on here – with an address to me and sign off from yourself? Just because this is the most personal post I’ve ever posted online, and therefore I think it needs to be dealt with with consideration and respect, especially towards me as I’m the person really bearing my soul here and reaching out. I have found the other messages and advice I have been given really sensitive and considerate, but I am finding yours less so. I know you mean well, but it’s not okay to try and explain someone else’s faith to them, or what someone must do in order to be conscious – the universe is large, and we all have our own experiences, truths and faiths and levels of consciousness that we believe to be true, and that uniqueness in experience should be respected.

    I don’t feel that my perspective does discount the experience of the moment – as I’m very much aware of where I am in the present moment, and the factors that have led me to this point. Am I dictated by my mind/ memories? Probably. But I am right in saying that some people don’t change – like my parents – they stayed the same….And tried their hardest too. What is your opinion on people who do this?

    I understand what you mean about pain: it happens slowly and over time. Yes, you’re right. I do believe that I would not of grown if it hadn’t been for this break up. I wouldn’t of faced the areas of my life that I needed to change/ grow in if it wasn’t for this break up, so maybe that is a lesson from the universe.

    Thanks for your wisdom, it is helping.

    Cat

    in reply to: Everything. #190691
    Cat
    Participant

    Peter,

    I disagree, some parts of life aren’t constant change – such as relationships that stay together? Or would you say that within those relationships, there is always constant change? People also stay in the same jobs and live in the same houses too…..So not all life is constant change. If life was constant change, then we’d be living in times without mortgages, or set jobs, there would be no persistence and things being built. So life is not constant change, life is also persistence.

    Cat

    in reply to: Everything. #190667
    Cat
    Participant

    Hi Mark,

    Yes I am… I’ve been surrounded by the wrong kind of people for far too long(!!) I currently live in a houseshare where my other housemate who lives below is also a coke addict, and her and her friend stay downstairs and complain alot. It is testing to say the least as I can hear them from my room. I am currently looking to move out.

    And yes, I play/ am learning guitar. I would like a band – this is one of my dreams and goals, along with starting a new happy life in Bristol.

    Cat

    in reply to: Everything. #190641
    Cat
    Participant

    Anita,

    I realise now that a lot of the time, I chase the validation of others for my own healing, which always fails to work of course. I realise this because since being back in England, to deal with everything I put all my energy into putting on gigs and tried to start up a band myself. Because I was so quick to use this as escapism, it means I allowed myself to be associating with people who weren’t good for me. There was a guy who was going to drum in my band but I found out later he was doing it because he liked me and was in fact really creepy. He just dropped all my amps back now, and I didn’t give him much energy at all. It felt liberating to know that I am moving away from the people in my life who aren’t in it for my best interests, and moving towards people who are genuine, kind and have honest intentions.

    I think for me, healing is to start protecting my energy and to stop letting in people who won’t respect me or understand me etc. For too long I’ve been an open book, hoping that someone will pick me up and understand me. I’ve allowed myself to be open and vulnerable to a lot of people. Now I realise, I am my own book and only I need to understand and accept myself, and surround myself with other books who are on my wavelength.

    Mark,

    You’re right – I felt better today after posting on here, and knowing that I’m allowing myself to grow and move forward from this. I’ve been searching for the answers in the angel numbers and tarot cards, but when I posted on here last night it felt uplifting – because I knew that the right people were going to hear this story, and help me a long my journey – I needed to connect and share it with other people who understand spirituality and faith.

    I think far too often I have been looking for answers from people who aren’t spiritual or have a faith, and so they can tell me what I want to hear, and then talk about me behind my back because they don’t understand my spirituality/ faith. If you read what I wrote to Anita – I have done this far too many times and allowed myself to be far too open to people who aren’t good for me. I’m glad I have the tiny buddha forums now because that has given me an outlet for my emotions in the right space.

    Cat

    in reply to: Everything. #190623
    Cat
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thanks for the reply. Yes you’re right – I look to the numbers because I am desperate for hope, and desperate that everything that has happened has been for a reason, and that my life has meaning. It’s silly, I don’t really eat properly or focus on food at all so I replace it with other distractions. I guess numbers is one of them when deep down I know that what I need to do is focus on me and my body. I think Clarence was also another distraction from this, and losing him has meant that I really do need to create a life that I’m not trying to escape from.

    Yes, sometimes I hear the yelling and shouting when I try and sleep. It’s engrained in my memory and sometimes I hear the insults over and over. How does healing happen?

    Cat

    in reply to: Everything. #190603
    Cat
    Participant

    Hi Mark,

    Thanks for the speedy reply. I believe in 11:11 too: I got a tattoo of it on my wrist in Chicago (before I met Clarence). I am definitely a free spirit but sometimes this means that I can follow down the wrong path because I believe the universe can send us people we are meant to be with or learn from. I feel that most of my life I have been running away from making decisions and putting it up to the universe and following signs, rather than using my own sense of judgement. The only haunting thing about Clarence was how much empathy I felt for his own pain and suffering – I’m a highly empathetic person and sometimes I feel this calling to help people or make them see the best in themselves. It was a catch 22, because as much as I showed him the best parts of himself, it was still damaging for me. Sometimes I am still haunted by the thought of him in Chicago and whatever he is doing/ his suffering, but I guess this is something that will gradually fade out.

    This has been a pattern for many of my relationships: I tend to see the fullness of another person before I see myself, and this is something that I really need to focus and work on. I have dreams and goals and a desire to make a better life for myself here in England and surround myself with good people. When I got back to England, I threw myself into putting on gigs and performing and doing promotion stuff – however because of my behavioural/mental issues, there’s been hardships within that too, and so now I just feel like allowing myself to not do anything.

    I’ve spent the past couple days just resting, sleeping, watching films etc. And allowing myself to feel upset. I wanted to allow myself to do this so I could finally release all the grief I have in my heart, and be ready for the next steps in life. I had the idea to post my story up on tiny buddha last night as a final honest release, in the hope that other like-minded people would be able to give me more of an idea of the meaning behind it all, and how I can become a stronger person.Β  If you have any advice on how to heal/grow/learn properly and become stronger then that would be much appreciated.

    Thank you for your reply,

    Cat

    in reply to: Boyfriend broke up with me after saying he will change #190535
    Cat
    Participant

    Hi Katie,

    I can relate to this a lot actually. There was a guy that I was with long-distance, but he had a lot of problems – like addiction. For some reason I saw the best in him because I’m a spiritual person and I believed that everyone was good deep down. I saw some darker sides to him though, and he once shouted at me for wearing makeup, and some other things. It’s taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that he is actually not a nice person. His dad also the same as your exes father too. I think it comes from a lack of respect for woman, as my ex would often have a go at his mother too. It’s quite awful thinking about it now.

    Due to previous things that have happened in my life, I tend to see the best in people even if they are abusive, or not the right person for me. I think the biggest lesson for me to learn is to be able to see myself first, before I see the other person.

    Your ex doesn’t sound like a good guy, and it seems like you’ve dealt with enough from him. If he’s going to treat you with such little worth then let him go. You’re here searching for meaning and depth, and you deserve someone who is going to give that back to you in a relationship too.

    Cat x

Viewing 10 posts - 121 through 130 (of 130 total)