Dear Anita,

You’re welcome. I think it takes a lot of strength to be able to step back from a situation/ step back from emotions and see things more clearly. I think this is something that you are really good at. Too often I get devoured by a feeling – be it panic, despair, sadness etc. I find that coming on here and explaining things to you really helps me to remember the bigger picture and to remember the positive things, even when things seem like there is no way out.

I am now currently in Bristol, sat here in my new bed, typing away. Last weekend was insanely busy. I put on a gig in Bath on the Friday, packed and moved to Bristol on the Saturday, and then played a gig in Bath on the Sunday. After that I took a few days out to catch up on sleep.

Right now, I feel quite scared/ overwhelmed. I had an occupational health appointment a few weeks ago – and t was agreed between me and the Dr that when I go back to work I’d be doing a phased return – doing 50% of my shifts, then 75%, and eventually going back to full time. My manager advised me to stay off work until after my move, so I had enough time to do that, and said that I’d still be getting full pay and not to worry about that.

I spoke to him yesterday, and he said that HR have said that when I go back, doing 50% of my shifts, I’d only be getting paid half my wage. I explained that this wasn’t enough for me to live off of. So the only option was to cut down my phasing time. Now I’m only going to be doing one week at 50%, one week at 75%, and then back to full time – just so I can make ends meet. I’m going back to work today (I was informed all of this yesterday). I got the call yesterday morning, and I nearly had a panic attack about it all. I tried calling my sister but she did not answer, then I tried calling Noel and he didn’t answer. I managed to speak to my friend Fran which made me feel better. I just needed to hear a friendly voice.

Thank you for your offer, and yes please I think I do need the guidance with Noel. There’s a lot of care there, and I encourage him and motivate him all the time and supported him to a health appointment too. When I didn’t receive any support yesterday I did feel disappointed. He messaged me in the evening but I felt too upset. I told him how I felt this morning about being disappointed. But then apologised and said its because I’m scared. This is true – I tend to procrastinate and stay in bed, or have a cigarette because the idea of showering, going to work etc. is super super scary.

I’m going to try and motivate myself to do this now.

Cat

Dear Anita,

How are you? Life for me seems to be taking off at the moment – I am still off work but have found myself having a lot of music promotion opportunities open up, and also a lot of great new relationships being built. Lots of positive things.

Something that comes to my mind on a daily basis is something that you said before, that I do experience happiness, but then my core belief discredits that and takes it away. At the moment this is something that I am beginning to recognise more and more and attempting to overcome.

I agree with what you said about a childs innocence being betrayed and lost and I agree it is a tragedy… I have recently encountered a new friendship that is so honest, and so pure, and so respectful. That every conversation we have is mindful and respectful and understanding. In a way, it is one of the most emotionally open, honest and close relationships I’ve had, and this has allowed me to regain that emotional sacredness I once had as a child. I now realise that I hold the power of creating beautiful relationships with people, from being honest, being considerate and being confident in showing love to others.

It’s a long, long, long journey of continuous self-analysis, questioning, self-improvement etc. I can only hope that as many souls who experience this…..emotional sabotage from an early age have the opportunity to find an even greater emotional haven in their later life. I believe these souls are owed it.

A lot of…..other people’s emotions were put on to me at an early age (as you’ve seen from what my father said before my 7th birthday). So I guess that I grew up without the opportunity to explore my own emotions/ interests, but with a “duty” to be responsible for other people’s. I guess that’s just how I saw life as being, which I guess is why I continue to struggle to come to terms with the fact that that way of living is not correct. Is correct the right word here?

Cat

Dear Anita,

Currently processing/ experiencing a lot of emotions. Kind of an emotional awakening I feel. Lots of crying. Lots of mood swings too – maybe cus I’m due on period as well. But yes, intense emotional time for me, so please bare with me.

I agree with everything you said.

Tracy is lovely.

The memory was when I was 5/6. I can’t remember what happened, but I remember being innocent, and then my Mum making me really really upset. I went upstairs and cried my heart out in my bedroom. Just recognised that term “cry my heart out” – as if that day was the day that I closed my heart. And the day that I found God – the strength that I found within myself. That memory.

Cat

Dear Anita,

Really? I mean yes, they go out with their friends, they go drinking and stuff. But on a day-to-day basis they don’t talk that much, and when they do, it’s my Mum telling my Dad what to do and him being repressed. I’ve seen a lot of their relationship, and it really is just restricting and controlling. I think on a surface level they like to present themselves as being happy, but deep, deep down I know my Dad isn’t. He told me the day before my 7th birthday that sometimes he wishes he hadn’t married my Mum. Knowing that has stuck with me for years. So whenever I was alone with my Dad I could feel his inner pain, and his inner frustration. We never talked about it again, but yes I remember that confession clearly.

No, they hold themselves back. My Dad talks about being in a band, but never does it as he believes he can’t, or that it’s a silly idea. My parents never encouraged us to be ambitious or motivated at all. My mum doesn’t have goals or opportunities apart from going to gigs and stuff with my dad. My sister has goals, but she often lets them slip and forgets to focus on them.

Cat

Dear Anita,

Thank you for replying – twice. I realised that I went from posting on here 2/3 times a day to leaving it for a while. Mainly because my life has been busy the past couple weeks or so, which I’d like to talk about (if you’re still up for talking about things). I did start writing back a few days ago but was too tired to address everything fully, but I will do so tonight. I also have a bit of an unhealthy addiction to social media which I’m trying to address/ use efficiently.

I will respond to both messages, and also give you an update with what is happening in my life right now.

I don’t believe that everyone is happy all the time, but I do believe that others can be more happy than I am, yes. This is because I grew up as a child severely depressed, so when I saw all my friends having fun, I’d be the one at the back feeling really down and not joining in. My mental health has isolated me, and made me ruin, a lot of different relationships with people throughout my life. I’ve either been the depressed one that brings people down, or talks about things that aren’t really socially acceptable to discuss. Or I’ve freaked out in relationships and let my emotions, insecurities and confusion ruin them…. There have been times when I have been popular, but again, the mania has meant that I’ve been too intense and have driven people away 🙁 I worry that I will do that with my new friends in Bristol, and I really hope I don’t.

You use the term ‘adult child’ 🙁 As sad as it is I think I have always struggled and felt guilty knowing that my Mum wasn’t able to grow and learn the same way that I could. I do feel bad that she hasn’t had the opportunities that I have had, and her whole life has been dedicated to looking after her parents 🙁 It’s hard because she’s been so, so nasty to me and my sister so many times, and yet in my mind I sometimes imagine her crying about losing us, and I feel like I should go and help her. It’s hard because on a present day level, my mum and dad have blocked out all of the past, and only focus on the present. This makes it difficult for me and my sister, because we want to connect with the parents who caused all of that pain, and make peace with them. My parents refuse to admit that they did anything wrong, which is why it makes it very difficult for me and my sister to ever find peace with it all. I did try and relate to my parents about a year ago, but it was too much. As nice as they were being, I really needed to feel like I connected with their true selves, and I would’ve loved it if they had turned around and tried to make up with my sister too. But they don’t. they just always insist that me and my sister are wrong. This is something I struggle with a lot, as in my perfect world, my family would be at peace, but that peace and forgiveness just hasn’t happened.

Question – what do you classify as an ‘adult child’ and what do you classify as an ‘adult’?

I understand what you are saying about comparing experiences, I guess it is impossible to say which experience is more scary when they haven’t both been experienced by the same person. I guess that does mean that all abuse is equally as scary and equally as valid. It is a retroactive comparison, but it does have grounds in the reality of my childhood as I do remember feeling depressed throughout my childhood and the times I was crying in despair/ isolated/ scared etc.

Again, with my grandad – I guess part of me feels guilty there too. My mum always made me feel guilty, “he’s getting old” which meant, “you owe him all your attention”. As a teen I grew up despising him because I realised how he was treated so great, and everyone else treated so badly. Again, its a conflict. I feel guilty that he is old, and he is my grandad. But at the same time really resentful of how he talks about himself, doesn’t know me or my sister at all, and thrives off the attention etc. I really don’t know how I’m going to feel when he dies. Or if I should get back in contact before he does. Will I feel guilt? I really am not sure. I am conflicted between being in contact with family being too hard, and then also worrying that I will have a lot of guilt over my head if something did happen to them.

In regards to the manic episodes – yes, I would take the pill and feel good. I feel good generally, before the guilt of it all comes again, and the belief that I’m a bad person (which my parents made me feel from a young age), and before the worry for the future kicks in. I sometimes feel like I am a repulsive person, who repels people 🙁 Or that I am not to be trusted with people 🙁 mainly because my mum and dad were so manipulative, untrusting and always thought horrible things about people – I worry that deep down I’m going to be the same, and that’s the last thing that I want to be like.

I cannot hear the name of my old town, or see a picture of it without seeing all the sadness and grief that I felt there. I say that because I just saw someone upload photo’s of it, and that’s how I felt towards it. It’s such a small town, and everyone else loves the small towns and villages, but to me it was just so much…..heaviness.

Now, I really do want to feel good and have a life that I love. But before, I really didn’t have any idea of what that could be like. I was just too engulfed by the heaviness and sadness to comprehend what a life of stable relationships, independence, wellbeing and happiness could be like. But I am at the point now where I can see it more and more in sight.

In terms of the core beliefs: True, but what if the guilt I feel is too strong/ heavy for me to let go of those core beliefs?? I had a psychotherapist before but he didn’t help that much, so I was considering CBT instead. Although sometimes I find that I try and help other people – such as my sister and my friends, who are going through hard times – I try and help them first, which again makes me feel like the problem isn’t me, but is outside of me, and so if I fix things outside of me, then I will be able to fix things in me. Like, if I was able to help my sister have the happiest life she can (will update later), and if I managed to bring peace and happiness to my parents. To me, those things would fix the problems in my constant thinking mind because that’s all I’ve ever wanted.

It’s extremely difficult for me to see my parents view as being wrong. Mainly because they are the people I’ve been around the most, and they both believed that their opinion was God’s Truth. It’s difficult for me to really accept that they are abusive, because of how well they present themselves to others – family members, my old school friends etc. So I have a lot of people saying to me, “But your parents are so nice”. Which makes me question whether it was me that was the problem, and really upsets me. I asked my friends for help at the time but no one wanted to get involved, as I don’t think anyone really believed me 🙁 I still don’t think people do. Even though me and my sister have no contact, and both of us have had so many breakdowns and intense life situations. It’s been hard to get support from family or friends, to say the least.

My mum and dad are weird ones, because as much as I love and care about them and want to see them happy… It seems like that isn’t returned at all. They can happily ignore what’s going on and go out and drink with their friends etc. To them it was all about keeping up appearances, rather than actually respecting their children. They care more about what other people think, than their own children – sad but true. It’s so strange because I would’ve given my heart to see my parents happy, as a little girl I loved them to bits. I would cry every night because I didn’t want them to die… It’s strange now thinking of how the parents I was so loyal to, would happily not check to see if I was okay/ but a convertible with the money they stopped giving me/ go out drinking with friends when one of their daughters is suicidal etc.  I guess this inequality is something that I need to come to terms with this – especially as they continue to claim to be the good guys after all of this.

You’re right – the manic breaks happen because I’m not used to feeling so, light-headed/ like a weight has been lifted. So when it does happen, it’s like a took an ecstasy pill, and I feel like that feeling is heaven. Therefore I go manic.

You’re right, I do need therapy of some sort to work through these core beliefs, and to give myself space to cry. So far I haven’t been able to have a proper break through because I have blocked so much out. Another thing with addressing my issues/ going to therapy etc. is that it makes me feel like I am – heavier? Darker? Than other people. Or, like I am not worthy to have friendships or relationships with people who do not have similar issues. Mainly because I feel like them being around me means that I will be a burden, or that I will bring them down 🙁

The only problem that I have with psychotherapy, is trust. It takes me ALOT to open up to people about what happened in my childhood. I found a sense of salvation on Tiny Buddha (and also at Skanda Vale – multi faith ashram) because through these means I have connected with people who have experienced similar things. I trust people who have experienced similar things, and who understand me and where I am coming from. I found it really difficult to trust my psychotherapist and feel like he understood like the same way that I did.

Okay so update:

The gig on the 22nd went really well 😀 I am still looking forward to the move to Bristol, so that has given me hope and a strive towards building the life that I want.
My sister called me the day after the gig, and said she had been out walking all night 🙁 🙁 She said that things between her and wife had become violent again 🙁 It’s really hard to support her 🙁 She won’t leave her wife because it would mean parting from her dog for a while, and she won’t do that. It’s so sad to see my sister stay in that relationship – where they just stay in, don’t do anything and trap each other 🙁 They are repeating the behaviour that my parents did, and sometimes my sister knows this. Sometimes she is rational and can see this, but other times she can’t. I spoke to the Domestic Violence Helpline and they gave me a lot of options, i wrote them down and told them to her/ emailed them. But she said she wouldn’t do anything if it means she’s separated from her dog 🙁 Her situation makes me sad, because when she calls me, she is crying so much, so much like a little girl. I’ve seen her cry so so much throughout her life, and I hate it everytime. Again, I wish I could give the freedom that I have to my sister. I really wish I could. I offered for her to come and stay with me but she said about the dog etc. I am offering her solutions but she is refusing them…Is there anything more I can do?!

I returned to work on Friday 2nd – thank you for remembering 🙂 It was okay, it’s been quite chilled. I haven’t seen all of the team yet. My manager said that everyone is a bit anxious because of how things were left at Christmas and because I blocked everyone on facebook (I was worrying way too much about what they thought, and really needed the space to just grow and be myself). Again, it would be nice if they could see the severity of why I had to do it, but ah well. Oftentimes my actions are perceived as me being…vindictive or that I did things on purpose, my innocence goes amiss a lot of the time.

I’m not too bothered, because going back I feel that it is not right for me. I don’t feel like I am working with people that get me, or in an enthusiastic environment, so I will be looking for new jobs. Mentally, it was a challenge to get through this weekend, as we just end up watching films and my mind begins to wonder. I do need a job that keeps my mind busy. I am back for a week, and then I have 3 weeks of annual leave off after that.

Hope you are well,

Cat

Dear Anita,

I am a ball of emotions today, literally a ball of emotions. Lots of thoughts about everything. So much good, but then there’s also a lot of bad as well. I shall explain, I’ll try and reply to your previous messages and then fill you in on what’s been happening. Your analysis, questions and talking things through with me on here is really helping me – I really appreciate it, thank you.

Yes, it’s true. This is why I don’t eat or do things to benefit myself. It’s easier for me to focus on other people, like spending all my time making sure my friends are okay rather than getting on with my day. They definitely instilled that idea that I’m a bad person if I don’t suffer too, that I’m a bad person if I focus on myself or did things that I loved etc. I always had to be doing something to please them. There was always a massive pressure on me to be perfect. Yet at the same time even when I was perfect, I still wasn’t good enough. I made my dad a rolling stones clock, and I gave it to him, and never saw it again – I think it got thrown away. I got so used to being disappointed and let down, that I didn’t feel it anymore. All I knew growing up was this monumental sadness and just being snapped at by my mother. I don’t think I knew what happiness was for ages, or humour which made it difficult for me going through school. I’m better nowadays though, I can take things with a pinch of salt and laugh at myself.

It’s weird, but on those same lines. It’s like, I hold myself back from having friends, because I feel like if I try and get close to people or be nice then they’ll think that I’m trying to hurt them or something. I am aware that in my mind I hold myself back from doing things, like showering n eating sometimes. Literally like I’m holding myself captive (!!) It’s ridiculous. I need to start changing the way that I see myself (which is happening), slowly!

It’s hard for me to imagine feeling like I deserve things, yknow?

My sister is suffering a lot right now 🙁 🙁 a lot, a lot – which I will explain a bit further on. This core belief is so hard to change it’s ridiculous. Can it be changed?

I think that the purpose of me punishing myself, is so that it helps others. For some reason, if I stopped listening to music, then maybe my gran would have that pleasure up in heaven. (what I thought then). Same as, well if I’m not confident, it means I won’t make other people feel insecure. (in the past I’ve had people who cried n had a go at me cus I was confident n they said it made them feel insecure). I’m worried about starting a band n being confident n pushing myself out there cus I don’t want other girls to be jealous (which has happened before). Whereas I fully support my girl friends 100%.

You made a very good point – I tell my sister to focus on herself, but then I don’t focus on myself. You’re so right when you say that. I feel like it’s different though because she genuinely does need support and help, I feel like it would be selfish of me to not put her first when at the moment she really does need a lot of help.

You are very right. My parents had no empathy at all for us, and never tried to relate to us. Yes, you’re right about my mum too, and that being her goal. I think my dilemma, is that I don’t know how to view it. I’d like to think that deep down at the heart, that everyone has a good heart and wants peace and love, but some people’s actions do the exact opposite. I’ve struggled with finding a grasp of reality on the situation: do I pity them? Feel sorry for them? Should I see both of them as good people who are both just hurting? Or should I see them as being abusive individuals who aren’t good people?

It’s a catch 22 Anita – because the core belief is the thing that is stopping me from doing the things that I need to heal!! such as aerobics, meditation, cooking etc. !! I guess it’s gradually going “I’m worth this”. Yknow?

As for an update – good things – I put on a gig at the Pig n Fiddle on Thursday n it went really really well and everyone loved it 😀 I feel like I’m connecting with my Bristol friends, as they’re on my same vibe, and feeling more confident in that aspect.

Not so good things – yesterday (day after gig). I spoke to my sister on the phone, and she said that things had gotten physical between her and her wife again, and that she had been out walking all night 🙁 🙁 obviously I am worried, and I said to her to come and stay with me. But she said that she can’t because she’s on benefits/ has her dog etc. She has gone back to the house with the wife. I called the DV helpline and got loads of suggestions and links. I am waiting to talk to my sister to talk to her about these options – it’s so hard because I wish she could see what I see, but she doesn’t. The woman on the phone said that it takes people a while to be ready to leave sometimes. I am in contact with my sister everyday, and she knows I love her.

Hi Mark,

Thank you for saying that 🙂 I am getting better! At the moment I have learnt the skill of positive thinking. I’m on a bit of a manic one at the moment as I have started to attract loads of friends, good vibes etc. in to my life – all from self-love and positive thinking, and thinking “your vibe attracts your tribe”. If I am positive, it emanates. It needs to start with me first!

At the moment tiny buddha is helping, positive thinking, and attracting a good support network, and also putting on the gigs and knowing that I will be in Bristol soon 🙂 Sometimes I can be a bit manic, and that can be too intense – because I’m not used to all the positivity, and I get overwhelmed thinking about how much opportunity there is for me etc. I am trying to get a balance so I can remain calm but still be positive in life.

Cat

• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Cat.

Dear Anita,

I had a productive weekend and Monday, but the past few days I’ve been in bed. My head really hurts, so I’m going to the Doctors tomorrow to see if I can increase my medication. I’ve been talking to my girl friends who remind me of why I should be positive in my life and remind me of the good times ahead.

If my sister didn’t suffer, yes my suffering would end. I would feel at peace knowing that she was living a happy life. It’s the same as, when you start looking in to animal abuse etc. the thought of an animal being abused as we speak – that used to make me so upset and depressed 🙁 just thinking about it. It’s that feeling of knowing how much pain someone or something is going through and being powerless to stop it, and fix it.

That is exactly what my brain does!! At work all the staff were complaining about the cuts to the service, the changes etc. And I couldn’t deal with the fact that there was a problem but no action was being taken to fix it. Therefore, I ended up going through a very long complaint procedure, which took months etc etc. At the time it seemed to me like the only thing I could do to make my mind feel at peace with everything that was happening. I cannot stand being around people that complain, with no limit – like, where is the solution??

If she is not the reason I suffer, what is the reason why I suffer? I have guilt from the past, from the person I couldn’t be for my parents. I was sorting out my room the other day, and doing so is forcing me to face myself, and I start to cry, because I remember the feeling growing up, of not being good enough for them, not being worthy of love like other children were 🙁 And always made to feel like I had a problem with me which meant that I wasn’t worthy of love. Because it was my parents who made me feel that way, it’s like their opinion was God’s Truth…. So it’s still so hard for me to comprehend that they were wrong.

How do I remove myself from the trap?

Yes. Me too. When I was young, my great gran died and I stopped listening to music, as a punishment. Because in my head, she couldn’t have the joy of listening to music anymore, wherever she was, which meant that I didn’t deserve to. I guess it’s like that in my life with my parents – when I go to the city centre – they never lived in a big city with so many opportunities, so why should i?? This is something that was really hard growing up, as they used to remind me how lucky I was all the time that I was going to uni, that I was going to live in a city etc. This didn’t do anything apart from make me feel really sad and guilty that they didn’t 🙁 🙁 🙁 I don’t know what they were trying to achieve by saying that, but all it did was make me think about how much my parents didn’t do what I’m doing. It’s the same with my sister, sometimes I’ll be talking to her, and she’ll be like, “I wish I did that” etc etc. and then brings up the fact that I was supported to go to uni, where she wasn’t, and says that I was given a lot more opportunities than her 🙁 Which is true, my parents forced her to be a hairdresser when she was 17. So I do feel bad about the unjust treatment. But at the same time I tell her, well that makes me feel crap because I didn’t ask for special treatment, and I do explain to her that I’ve worked really hard to get my qualifications as well, and that I went five years doing uni completely off of my own back, and working for money etc. So I have done loads of it by myself without any support. It’s very hard situation 🙁

Cat

Dear Mark.

Thank you, I am definitely in a better place than I was a few weeks ago 🙂 Very good sign. I have found that my focus has shifted, from focusing on the rejection from others, to focusing on the self-love in myself, and being wary of my mood changes throughout the day – what thoughts make me feel certain things etc etc. I am going more easy on myself, and I am beating myself up in my mind less and less ( 😀 ) I am due to go back to work on the 2nd March, so I have a bit more time to use my freedom to really practice this mindfulness.

Dear Anita,

Sorry, what does the ‘foot cramp’ method mean? These waves of emotions come to me on a daily basis, but I have gotten better at realising them, and I think of your advice when they come – to simply endure them, and to allow myself to feel what I feel. They have been going away, and I am now seeing the light on the other side of them/ I am now seeing a more positive future 🙂 🙂

I am trying to focus on me an my life, rather than feeling like  I need to reply to messages right away etc. I feel so much healtheir from when I was with Clarence, as I was unhealthily obsessed with him. A combination of my co-dependence/ too much focus on others, and a combination of his manipulation too. I went to send a message on fb messenger yesterday, and his name appeared, and I saw he had his profile back. (He always used to get it and delete it because he was so unstable). I did have a look and he’d made a new page, and it looked very manic and intense and like he was trying to prove something. It made me feel better, knowing that his problems are with him, and aren’t really my fault. He is continuing with life the same, whereas I have really grown and changed from all of it. That has made me feel a lot better realising this growth.

I’ve been meaning to talk about my sister. As it’s a very complex and emotionally challenging relationship for me. She is the only family member who I am in contact with. I haven’t seen her for 5 years, since I was 19. The last time I saw her she was in a bad way and she was snapping at me constantly, I couldn’t do anything right, and even when I cried she had a go at me. It was quite abusive.

She is married now and living in Wales. We are in contact via facebook, messaging, calls etc. Sometimes yes, if I say something she doesn’t like, or if we have a small argument she’ll say, “Well, we never got on anyway”, “We’re just too different”, “Well don’t talk to me then”. Etc. I try and stay calm and talk through it, and explain where the disagreement occurred etc. We have gotten better at calmly talking through disagreements, rather than both being defensive and completely abandoning our relationship.

It is extremely difficult though. She is up and down with her emotions. Some days I will text her and she is really low, feeling suicidal etc. I try and be there for her. She is married, and her wife has depression. Sometimes they can be really toxic for each other, and they’ve been abusive to each other in the past 🙁 🙁 They seem good together at the moment. It makes me sad knowing that their relationship has the potential to be like that, and in the past I sent them a serious message saying they both need to wake up and realise the seriousness of the situation. Since then, there has been no more physical abuse. My sister has started removing herself from the situation when she feels triggered etc.

My sister feels triggered on a daily basis. And sometimes it’s difficult to know how to make her be positive again. In a way I do feel responsible for her too. I worry sometimes, that if I progress and overcome my mental health issues, that she will not like me for doing so/ having a happy life. It sounds silly, because on the phone she says that she wants me to be happy. But sometimes I get the feeling that she is resentful of me because I was the parents favourite 🙁 and because I went to uni and she didn’t 🙁 etc etc. Although I always remind her of her great qualities too. She has really low self esteem, and when she sees me with high self esteem, I just really worry that she is going to hate me, or try and put me down – which she used to do when we were young.

I wish I could have a healthy relationship with my sister, but I know it would only work if she had good self esteem too. Otherwise I can imagine meeting up and for her to be nitpicking at me again, which is really, really damaging to be around.

Cat