Dear Anita,

Yes – your experience does sound more extreme.. But when I was 17, I had really turbulent relationships, and I can REALLY relate to what you have said…. a time where I was in my head all the time, socially anxious – wouldn’t say ANYTHING. Didn’t know myself, just went along with life in my head… I felt like I wasn’t really using my brain, and I had NO self awareness at all(!) It was around that time I was realising how repressed I had been growing up, and was getting involved with the punk scene etc etc. – May talk about this more another time.

Sorry – I usually am fine with people telling me about flaws – friends, work etc. I think it’s during an emotional breakdown, when things are really intense.. And then they see this. That’s the part that hurts the most. I think it hurts because I’ve allowed people I’m romantically involved with to see this really, damaged/ underlying side etc. And I guess it’s losing my dignity from that that makes it all so unbearable.

But, PROGRESS!! I went to work today (will talk more about that later too) – new job in different care home. Came back, and went out with my skateboard, and went up some hills and progressed higher up the hills 😀 😀 I realised – When I was out doing it…. I refused to panic about it.

I refused to panic about it. And also….I didn’t attach any emotion to what I was doing at all.

It felt great. And not attaching emotion to things is something I feel will bring me more progress and peace. <3

Cat

Dear Anita,

It feels now like I’m almost battling small spouts of depression. Small little pockets of it that spring up, but then leave again. Does this sound familiar?

It’s like I get scared….scared to live, or like I lose all belief that I can do the smallest things. like washing up.

I can’t remember if I tried to give up smoking recently, not sure if I tried or not.

I just had a realisation, that I fear to live sometimes. Fear going on my skateboard. Fear playing guitar. Whereas a few weeks ago, I was jumping on my skateboard and loving life in general…. I’m trying to figure out where this fear and lack of confidence has come from.

Cat

Dear Anita,

I hope this message finds you fast.

I’m not sure if I’m overexhausted or what, but things just aren’t right.
I was in a weird mood last night, went to sleep, and had a series of nightmares.
Woke up this morning and felt like crying, and felt like I needed time to process everything.

Returned to sleep and another series of nightmares ensued.
I have woken up now, and I am just in a weird place in my head – I’m not sure what this is??

I have been feeling misty headed for a couple days – unmotivated to skate, guitar etc.
I need to clean my house and do a food shop.

I have no idea where to start with it all. For some reason I feel like everything is out of control and unbearable.

Do you have any ideas why this could be? OR any experience with this?

Cat

My Dearest Anita,

I use the term ‘My Dearest’ because you are actually The most respectful, patient and understanding connection that I have in my life. Our consistent and patient communication through Tiny Buddha is a massive assurance and help for me, so thank you for that.

Sorry for not remembering that you told me you were diagnosed with BPD. As with many of my friends – they tell me so much information about where they’re from/ where they’ve travelled/ where they’ve met people/ where they work etc etc. It can be difficult to remember it all sometimes!!

When you were diagnosed with BPD – I am interested in this: what was your life like at the time of diagnosis? What were you going through, and how was your relationships with people? How long ago was this? If you can remember, how did you feel at the time? And how did your reality change? As it’s so easy with a physical condition to see how it impacts your life- like if you have a burn, you may be aware that it rubs on bed sheets when you sleep, so would wear protective bandage. But with mental health issues, it’s harder to figure out how it affects perceptive reality.

Like the other day at work – I started to feel more further away from my goals, distant from the motivation and enthusiasm in my life etc. I recognised that this could be because of BPD. With this in mind, I actually found it easier to accept, and encouraged myself to continue the rest of the day regardless of this feeling – I finished work, caught the bus, bought food, and played guitar. By the time I had bought food and was playing guitar, the feeling had passed and I was feeling motivated again. This is progress for me, as before I would of let the feeling allow me to believe that it was reality, and gone home and crawled in to bed feeling depressed.

Generally, things are going well. I am remaining strong in my commitment to mindfulness and stability. – will continue this post when im at work.

Cat x

Dear Anita,

I am writing this on a Sunday evening. I am about to have a bath and put a facemask on after another busy week and weekend. It’s been non-stop. Last Sunday I got 1 hour sleep because Georgia was around and we were having soulful chats. We both left early on Monday morning, and she went back to Ireland. The week has been a lot of me powering through, getting the bus at 7.30am to go to work, and not having much time for myself – one of those weeks where I really needed some time for myself (still do, as I’m quite an introverted person), but we must do what we have to do!

Even when I run out of time, I am trying to not panic and remain calm. Like finding the time to write guitar parts for my band that is happening soon!! Or time to skateboard etc.

I went back on Facebook again yesterday but just briefly. It was hard for me to see Noel on there – it seems like his confidence/ arrogance has increased from it all if I’m honest. I feel as though he has liked the attention that he has had from all of this, and that has given him confidence. I am dealing with things by blocking him out of my mind and life, as it’s too painful to know how much I did for him, and how much he has found pleasure and personal gain from my breakdown, pleading etc etc.

I feel like it is a game of egos. And his has inflated from all of this. I’ve been thinking about why it hurts – I guess it feels like he took my confidence away, and used it for his own gain. Does this make sense?? This has happened a couple time with guys – who have found pleasure in the breakdwown/ attention etc. It feels like my dignity was taken, and the image of me he has in his head, is that he’s taken my power etc.

Right now I am focusing on me, and ensuring that the image he has of me as powerless to him etc. That that is not reality. Which it isn’t. As from this, I have only gotten stronger, and more passionate about starting a band and being a fierce frontwoman of a punk band.

I would like to hear your thoughts and any experience on this too.

I haven’t thought about him for ages anyway, and have been focusing on my girl friends – WHO ARE AWESOME!!!
All my girl friends have been so supportive of me, REALLY supportive and it’s great <3 I have a lot to be greatful for in my life. Every day I thank the Universe for all the things going right – stability, food, ability to go to work, medication, time, reading, guitar, great friends, my looks, style, skateboarding, films, music etc etc.

I hope I can continue to be healthy and find a balance and continue to progress even more. I am starting CBT next Saturday.

Cat

Dear Anita,

It’s 2.20 here, I’ve just spent the evening with my friend who’s visiting. We had a barbeque tonight, and I had some of the cocktails. I did drink, but not to excess. I am feeling in control. 100%. If I drink tomorrow night then I will do the same as well. Just drink moderately, and be mindful whilst drinking.

Thank you, I feel like life is improving alot!!! I normally don’t drink – my day-to-day life is extremely ordered and scheduled now – work, eating, reading, guitar, skateboarding etc. I am giving myself a break this weekend cus my friend is visiting from Ireland. So just focusing on having a good time with her this weekend. I will drink moderately, I PROMISE. Genuinely. I know what I’m doing – and after this weekend, I will report back on how it went – it will all be good, trust me.

I sent the emails in the end. It was: brief description of my background, mentality throughout breakdown, opinion on punk scene, apologies, and then leaving them my number if any of them want to contact me and get to know me as a person etc.

But sometimes – the thing with the person suffering – they don’t realise that their actions are harming the other person – or they arent aware of that responsibility. Therefore in their mind, they are simply repeating a behaviour, or acting out whilst having no understanding of empathy for the other person. Sometimes I genuinely think some people who offend just don’t contain the capacity to understand empathy or understand self-analysis or reflection to understand what they were doing. When I attacked the girl – at the time, my mind was nowhere to be seen. No rationality, just pure emotion. I think some people have that, but when they are sober, and in normal life.

Cat

Dear Anita,

Thank you – I learnt growing up that being honest is the only way to address any situation at a level where solutions can be made. Especially if you’re someone like me who only has good intentions for people/ the world. Being honest allows you to connect with people on an authentic and understanding level. It’s just whether or not the people you are being hones to can see that.

I will listen to the Cat song in the morning by the way!!

Yes, at the moment I’m still taking it moment by moment. I have goals, but reminding myself to let go of the need to know HOW they will come in to being, and sending my worries up to the Universe.

I went back to work on Monday – completed my week of 50% of my shifts 🙂 🙂 Which is progress.

I have an issue with time I guess- so many things I want to do. Would love to focus all my energy on creating, playing, making art etc. But this means I often see eating and taking time to eat or prepare, cook food as a waste of time, whereas the reality is that if I do that, then it will make me more productive. I am working on this.

Still no reply from my sister. I know it sounds mean, but my life is better without her in it. I love her and care about her wellbeing, but she is stuck in the negative, defeatist cycle that the rest of my family had. And when solutions are provided, or her thought process questioned, then verbal abuse ensues…. I really hope one day she recognises this, and takes steps to better her own life for herself, and gains a level of self awareness that enables her to do so. For now, I continue to pray for her, and send my love and wishes up to the Universe.

Cat

Dearest Anita,

I hope this message finds you well. Every time I come on the forums I spend a couple minutes checking to see how many other posts you have been the last person to reply on (always a lot). Keep up the good work. Your words and support really mean a lot to the people who don’t hear mindfulness and encouragement often. I have found your consistency very reassuring and calming, so thank you.

I think I’m ready to reply to some of your earlier messages now (one’s you sent to me during my breakdown). My heart hurts a little thinking about acknowledging them, but far far less than it did at the time.

In response to your first message after my breakdown:

Yes – the breakdown happened, and there was nothing I could’ve done to make that week go differently. I feel like I am so aware of my thought processes, and the night when I was supposed to go to sleep, and Noel didn’t want to come to the gig with me – and I chose to go to the gig, instead of being rational and getting sleep – I can only put that down to me carrying out a habit. Of saying “Fuck it”. Putting on my fishnets, make up, wild hair, and throwing life up in the air. Something I’ve done ALOT in the past (aka nearly marrying Clarence the coke addict in Chicago). My brain has done it so much throughout my life, it’s been my rock and roll lifestyle (live fast, love hard) – but I hope now I can work towards a point where I can still have my punk lifestyle but without the breakdowns, drama and trauma etc. Hopefully being in a band will help with this. I tend to express emotion by going to gigs, drinking a lot and letting loose. In the future I plan to remain sober and channel my emotions through music and dramatics.

Again, drinking constantly, and days after that – not eating and focusing on things other than myself – must be down to me repeating the habit of doing that. I know a lot of ‘scum punks’ (mainly guys) who do that, as a statement of, “I don’t care/ my lack of respect for myself reflects the lack of respect capitalism has for the world” etc etc. (something i might elaborate more on at some point).

Attacking the girl – never attacked someone like that before. I wasn’t jealous at all that night. It was just a moment where we were outside. She had been talking a lot to Noel outside, and hadn’t spoken to me at all. He talked to her more than he talked to me that night, but he did come up to me and hold my hand and kiss me on the forehead. Everytime I looked at Noel, he kept looking at her. He did this 4 times. I said “don’t do it” because it was triggering me – as I thought he was sexualising her or flirting with her. He didn’t even hear me, so I had to leave the situation. I sat by a door, and when Noel, her and our other friend came to find me, I was overwhelmed with emotion, didn’t know how to process, and then attacked her and ran away.

I can see from their perspective I looked just like a violent person. But the truth is, at the time, I felt emotionally stabbed. I felt like my heart had been ripped out. It was so awful. I felt like I was defending myself from what, I saw, as emotional betrayal, humiliation etc. It was the worst feeling ever. Whether this was a paranoid delusion or not, I still and probably will never know.

I was distraught for 2 weeks, not eating etc. Tried apologising to everyone so many times, but to no avail. The day after it all happened I went to Noel’s house to apologise. I still hadn’t eaten and was sat on his drive crying. His housemate opened the door and asked me to come in, but I said no because Noel didn’t want me there. She asked 3 times, and eventually I went in and sat outside Noel’s door. He wouldn’t answer the door. I was crying so much. He said that I’d hurt him as well. It was all so upsetting. He wouldn’t answer the door, but I said I was sorry. He said that he finds it easy to speak to the girl (that I attacked) because she’s anxious like him etc. It was heartbreaking for me because I did so much for him and his confidence, and yet he never gives me that credit or attention that I deserved, and didn’t feel like he could do that with me (even though I’d gone to lengths to make him feel comfortable) – and all because I’m a confident person who doesn’t have anxiety.

I was like a little girl sat outside his door. Not angry at all. Just confused and heartbroken. He never answered the door so I left.

It was emotionally intense for me, I got fixated (again, a habit), focused on them, and went through the motions of despair, anger, etc etc.

When I eventually spoke to Noel on the phone. He allowed me to read through 2 long email essays of how much I loved him, and his importance in my life. After that, he was just like ‘I only called to say I needed space. I’m not even staying in my own house’. I felt like he was saying he was scared of me, when the reality is, I was just a distraught girl having a breakdown. I said this and that it was his anxiety, and then he asked me about how much I talk in a conversation compared to him (this has never been a problem before, as we both talk openly to each other), he then had a go at me and said that I talk more (I think he was comparing me to the girl I attacked). Again, really heartbreaking for me.

**By the way – a day before this all happened, i was talking to Noel on the phone and was smiling because I said “When I talk to you, you just bloom” and he said “I know. And when you leave, I forget it. But talking to you makes me want to be in bloom all time”. We both said that we were in love with each other as well.**

He said in our last phonecall, that it reduced his anxiety but that wasn’t the point. He then said he wanted to say how he felt, and I said I was listening. He then hung up the phone, and ended it with me coldly over facebook, and then blocked me.

SAfe to say, emotional dysregulation ensued. And now I’m not talking to many people of that group. They think I’m bad news, but truth is, they just can’t see things from my perspective.

I’ve left things now – with the last thing I said was that I’ll give everyone space, and at some point will email them with my diagnosis confirmation and an explanation.

I’m in two minds – because I feel like doing that is an attempt to explain my behaviour and where it came from etc, and at the same time, I did apologise so much and was distraught at the time etc. At points it seemed like Noel liked the fact I was begging and crying etc. And yeah, I don;t know. I’m not sure if they deserve more apologies and explanations if I’m honest!!

The whole thing was bad BUT I’ve learnt so much since then. I’ve learnt to focus on ME and direct energy towards me, and stop giving it away to other people so easily!! Especially when I think they’re amazing people, but then they bail when things get hard. MASSIVE lesson learnt.

I know it’s weird, but I’ve actually benefitted from this situation (as bad as that sounds). But I really have. I’ve been woken up to what I’m living for (which seemed to be others acceptance), and literally chose to live fro ME.  Etc.

I’m just going to do me and be myself. I can’t please everyone in life, but what’s the point in spending time trying to win people over? I know that I’m a good, honest, spiritual, loving, caring person, and I know that I’m the punk chick with confience, and I know that I’m meant to use both of those things together to try and make a difference in this world. I can’t afford to lose all that, by valuing myself based on the judgements of others.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by Cat.