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CatParticipant
Dear Anita,
Thank you. I think that I am growing and maturing, and I need to focus on my own life.
It’s 10.21pm on Sunday, I need to sleep soon, as I have to get up for work at 4am tomorrow. I am sat on my bed listening to Belinda Carlisle – Heaven is a Place on Earth. A song that is one of my “homes”. It reminds me of being young and dancing to this, and it gives me faith of the euphoria in love as well. Such a great song.
I like your description of finding home in different places, bit by bit at a time.
Toby replied and said this:
‘Look, I really hope this doesn’t come across as patronising and I really hope it doesn’t come across as an excuse from a manipulator, because tbh the reason I haven’t replied till now was because I’ve come to understand how you might have seen me and it’s really not representative of who I actually am, but that’s my fault, I’m very closed off and defensive, you’ve seen glimmers of me outside of that but that’s always been my coping mechanism, thats why I can seem either wholly invested or wholly detached, but this isnt about me, bottom line is, and this is why I said I hope this doesn’t come across as patronising etc, you’re a much better person than me, I’m not fishing for compliments, that’s just true, you’re so much more open to bettering yourself and facing your demons and that’s incredible but I’m not like that and that’s why I frustrate you, I just want you to know that I’m a lot of things but I’m not a liar and every positive thing I’ve said about you has been honest, as much as it might seem it hasn’t, I’m sorry I’ve fucked with there your at, I really am but I don’t want you to think it’s been purposeful, it hasn’t, you’re an incredible person, I feel so connected to you personally and physically but for whatever reason I’m not willing enough to get better as you are, and if thats construed as my misdoing then so be it, I’ve essentially waffled a lot of nonsense but the take away is your special and thats a rare thing’.
Thoughts on this?
Cat
CatParticipantDear Anita,
Bare with me while I respond to all three of the past messages.
In general, I’ve been feeling like I’ve been making progress recently. I’ve been feeling like I’m growing, maturing, being more self-assured and at peace with my life. Feeling like I can be like everyone else. For the first time in my life I feel like I might be able to live the life that I want to. Finding peace with myself, feeling like I might be able to build the life and be the person that I’ve always wanted to be: stable home, feminine woman, happy times, life without depression, a life where I am accepted, and where I end up with a partner who loves me for me.
The past 3 days have been incredibly hard for me. I worked on Saturday, all day. Came home to a letter from work about my attendance and how I’m on a warning etc.I spent Sunday all day in bed catching up with sleep. It has become Autumn now and the wind has gotten colder. I can’t help but feel more alone, and be taken back to memories of the past. I had a lot of intense dreams, about my parents, old friends, and an old boyfriend I had who really used me for sex when I was in love with him. The nightmares were bad.
I’ve been taken back to a state of depression. I released a lot of emotion on to Toby, and messaged him about how I felt inside and about him. It was a lot and too much. There was no reply.
Yesterday I went out for a meal with my spiritual guidance Roy, and an old friend from uni George. The meal was fine, but I drank a lot and was thinking about the Toby thing, and again, was taken back to a place where I’ve been before – longing after someone or something that I can’t have. I spoke to George and Toby, and also was talking to George about Clarence as well (guy I nearly married in Chicago). On my walk home, I looked at the picture of me and Clarence that we took just before we went to get our marriage certificate. Both young, both punk, both as insane as each other to be willing to fall in love with someone so fast.
I got home, and I unblocked Clarence on instagram. I saw a picture he posted of the tshirt design he did on a song that I showed him. I commented on it and said “F*ck you, I showed you that”. He replied saying “F*ck you right back, I was going to give you this for christmas before you went all wishy washy on me”. I said “dude I had a breakdown”. Anyway, after that, I saw that he posted this really horrible misogynistic thing that was aimed at me on his instagram, about ugly girls, calling them bitches and stuff. And I realised then that it wasn’t him that I was looking for at all – because he’s not a nice guy at all, he’s actually awful.
I came to the realisation that for such a long time, I’ve been searching for home. Home. I thought about this, and because my sense of safety, belonging and home was taken from me at such a young age, throughout my teens and 20s I’ve been searching for that in other situations and people – partners, friendship groups, drugs work etc. That hit me hard. Really hard, and I spent last night crying about it and thinking back to when I was really young, and when I was happy as a little girl, when I was adored, and my parents wanted me around.
I posted this on Instagram, a quote by R.M Drake:
‘I want to live in a place where love isn’t a metaphor for sex and silence isn’t a metaphor for fear. Where if you are laughing all day you’re not considered crazy and if you want to actually help someone it’s not to expect something in return. Where small talk doesn’t exist and people genuinely care. And where you and I are closer together. Imagine that what a beautiful thing it can be. I want to go there, I want to grow old there, and above all, I want to love there’.
Beneath the quote I wrote my own paragraph:
‘I want to live in the place where I once felt loved, when my heart was huge and everyone accepted my cuddles and I danced with teddybears. Where everyone gave me constant attention and I played dress up everyday. Where the world was full of curiosities, and I remembered the safe smell of my mothers skin. When I could wake up and be whatever I wanted and it was accepted. I was accepted, and I felt protected. Where my family actually wanted me and wanted to be in my company, and my dad was obsessed with making pointless home videos, just so one day we could watch it all back – simply because he was proud we were his. I want to live in the place where I had a real family and felt like a real visible person in the world, a place where I was unconditionally loved, in that very brief time that I felt like I was wanted, like I belonged, like I had a home. I would feel so unbelievably lucky or blessed if I ever experienced that feeling again in my lifetime, but I know for sure that one day, eventually, that’s where I’ll return to, after life on this Earth, that’s the haven I’ll return to. As for now, I can’t give up on my childhood dreams, or the deep source of loss at the root of all pain: I can’t give up on my soul’s quest for a euphoric state of acceptance, a euphoric sense of belonging, a euphoric haven of home’.
I’ve been thinking about this all this morning. I apologised to Toby last night when I was drunk, but today I sent him a message explaining what’s going on with me, and that I’m coming to terms with stuff that’s happened with my family, and that I should of been adult and not started anything etc. I said for him to take care and to stay real. I don’t expect to hear back from him as my messages have been way too intense and deep for someone who doesn’t really know me.
Cat
CatParticipantDear Anita,
Itās 10.36am here. This morning I woke up at 6.15ish. Had breakfast and a coffee, and medication. Relaxed and played wordscape – new word puzzle game I have on my phone that I find incredibly relaxing.
I felt different when I woke up this morning – more clear-headed, more free. Free from self-doubt and free from worry. Itās moments and times like these where I feel I have another chance at being like everyone else, and having courage to lead a life like everyone else does.
After the game, I did some therapy work.Then picked up my guitar and wrote more to part of a song. I then showered and got dressed – this is quite big for me as usually I wake up feeling heavy-headed, lots of worry, lots of self-doubt and I end up staying in bed all day.
I am currently eating toast, and getting ready to go to the bank and go do a food shop.
Sometimes itās hard for me to read your replies, because they are always so in depth. Not because of what you have written, but because talking to someone else about these things means I need to face them. Like reading back on the stuff about guilt and shame. That feeling. Iāve lived for so long with these feelings, memories etc and been ashamed of them so have pushed them to the back. I havenāt really spoken with anyone who is willing to discuss them in such depth, which is a first.
In response to the grief and shame: could you give me an example of how the neuropathways are created? And also, an example of what a trigger might be in the present?
I have an appointment with my doctor on Tuesday – I will discuss the period problem then, and also see if I can increase my anti-depressants as well. I will let you know how it goes.
I agree with the priorities that you listed: 1. Health, 2. Job 3. Anything else.
And that is what I am trying to do.
In regards to Tobyā¦ I get the feeling that we are both severely attracted to each other, but itās all been very fast and intense (as usual). So itās difficult to navigate what to do.
I should probably say as well, that I do have an unhealthy relationship with social media, messaging and being worried/ anxious about replies etc. Iāve found myself doing that the past week and so Iāve gotten rid of facebook again – itās really, really, really bad for me – almost like I look to it for answers, if that makes sense?Iām still using Instagram, but am trying to not focus so much on social media and get busy with my life and doing all the things I need to do, and also loveā¦.
Also, must say that Toby liked my instagram selfie at like 3.30am last night xD After all my stressing I thought this was funny. Interest is still there, will see how it plans out. And yes youāre right, Iām not putting any expectation on this, just going to take the communication day by day – and starting from the end…That kind of makes sense?? Like, as if Iāve just released that attachment, yes?
Cat
- This reply was modified 6 years, 4 months ago by Cat.
CatParticipantDear Anita,
I hope that this message finds you well? I’m at one of these “I need to message Anita” moments.
I’ve had a somewhat relapse today and I am confused about me, myself and my life. I will explain the situation that I am in now at the end of the message, as it most likely links in to my emotional dysfunction as well.In response to your last message:
I am definitely confronting a lot right now, facing a lot of core beliefs and a lot of low self-esteem, fear and apathy I have towards my life. Thank you for allowing me to write them out here and hear your perspective on things, it helps me to see things more clearly.No, I never pretend, but sometimes it can feel like others are pretending… This is when I feel confused.
Yes, they see me as someone that I’m not, and I think growing up I internalised this perception of myself: ugly, a freak, quiet, no friends, invisible, embarassed, ashamed, an outsider, unwanted, depressing, obsessive, uncool. I felt like this all through school. It was only during my teens when I started speaking up, getting in situations, hormonal etc that I began to grow out of this image. I’ve gone through a lot of different stages with how I perceive myself. I think now, I see myself as these things: passionate, wise, attractive, deep, emotional, meaningful, stylish, outspoken, big personality, funny, cheeky, rebellious, spiritual – although there are still some traits that I still see there – uncool, obsessive, outsider.
I definitely relate to the guilt and shame!!! Which is really strange, because only a few days ago I felt strangely clear-minded and free from that old energy. I realised then that most of the problems in my head was that feeling of guilt and shame about my life that had been put on to me by my family. I relate 100%. It’s almost like the grief and shame just become part of my biology-Ā as if guilt and shame is the energy that forms my backbone or something. Like it’s always there at the back, does that make sense?? And without it, I feel like I am a free human, and I find life a lot easier.
In my family home, I’ve said this before – I was never given that chance to focus on myself. EVERYTHING revolved around the emotional state of my mother. Everything. It was awful. There would be arguing every day and every night. So much crying, and so many undue punishments. Me and my sister weren’t allowed to be children really or feel safe or at peace in our home. We were constantly reminded that it was their house all the time. My Mum would find faults with everyone and was negative about everything. She would talk about people, and my Dad just put up with it. She would start arguments, not let him do things – like see his family or play guitar etc, and then he would get mad – not be brave enough to stand up to her and then take it out on me and my sister. It almost united them to have a common enemy – us. So messed up, I know. So, so messed up.
I don’t talk to my therapist about past stuff because I’m doing CBT not psychotherapy. But it does help me to have you to open up to stuff about this, as it almost feels like a release. I’ve told you a lot about what my parents were like. Sometimes I get so confused about who I am or what my purpose in life is.
Ok, so current situation… about emotional dysregulation/ work/ escapism – Which links in with the Toby thing:
So, Toby added me on facebook, a few months back. I remember seeing his profile and having a feeling – like he was 100% the person I’d go for, but he looked like he was super confident and a bit arrogant. I found this intimidating, because if I was dating someone, they would eventually see the more darker sides of my life, and it made me worry that I’m not the same as other people my age.
Anyway, I went off facebook for a bit, as I am trying to overcome my addiction to social media. During the breakdown etc. It was maybe 2 months ago that I messaged Toby on instagram, inquiring about his IG name. He replied and said that he’s been hoping to hear from me for a while because he’s followed my stuff for ages and agrees with my vibe. He asked me out for coffee over message. We flirted a tiny bit over message. We finally arranged a day. On the day, I was messaging him and he wasn’t saying anything about meeting up. I was really rude to him, as it triggered my emotional dysfunction. I was really really rude to him over message and gave him a speech about my self-worth. He was like “Woah” etc. I eventually apologised and explained my emotional dysfunction. He replied and said he understood, and said that he came across bad over messages as well. All was forgiven.
We eventually met up, and I took him to an exhibition about music in Bristol. I was nervous, and he was talking non-stop. Literally, non-stop. And I saw him as being super confident. Although he would constantly talk about his anxiety. We had open talks. I mentioned about nearly getting married in Chicago. He told me about his ex, and said it was really bad, that he had a psychosis breakdown, and just said that it was really bad.
We went for a couple drinks after that, and had a good time. At the end of the night he said he felt like his anxiety had reached it’s end, and that he was really happy with how the night had gone. When I got home, he messaged me again and said that he was happy that he’d met me because I’m a fantastic person.
Since that night, we were messaging over instagram. We were messaging about life in general, thoughts about stuff, feelings. General conversation. We were talking about Charlie Brooker and Black Mirror, and I said that I would marry Charlie Brooker for his mind.Ā Toby said he could see that, but that my mind was just as incredible and that I had a body he’d be a fool not to chase. He messaged me lots and lots and lots of compliments. I realised he was doing this when he was drunk. He opened up to me about his mental health as well, and I was giving him advice. When he was drunk, he said that he’d been slack on messaging because he was going through a hard time and he didn’t want me to see him as weak, because he wanted me to want him as much as he wants me.
We were supposed to meet one Sunday, but I had a feeling that I was putting more effort in to it than he was. I messaged him saying how I felt – how he says nice stuff when he’s drunk, and then hardly replies when he’s sober. He messaged back saying that he barely knows me and it’s too heavy. I then replied and stood my ground, and explained that it was his responsibility and that you don’t tell people who you don’t know that well that they “make you feel alive”. (He said this when he was drunk).
The argument again, through me out with emotional dysregulation. I stressed. I cried that Sunday, and then wasn’t able to go in to work on the Monday. On the Monday I messaged him and explained about my emotional dysregulation. He replied saying, he was “wary of this getting too close” and that “he told me about his ex” and that he wasn’t reliable right now, and not sure that would be good, given my condition. I gave him another speech about how I’m not his ex, and that it’s not fair to bring that in to our connection, and also that I can’t be the only person working to overcome insecurities and the past in order to continue with whatever it is we have.
That was on the Monday. We didn’t talk for a couple of days. Then on the Wednesday, last Wednesday, I was at work, and suddenly felt an extreme animal instinct to have sex. Extreme. I message him saying “shall we just get this over and done with, and just fuck”. He replied saying, are you ok? you were upset with me and now we’re here. I said that I didn’t know him very well, he could be anyone. I said that he did wrong by drunk messaging, and I was wrong for over-reacting, and we should just keep it simple – aka just a sexual thing.
I went home, got changed, and then went round his. When I met him he’d just come back from a night out. It was intense. I felt a very very strong urge to have sex with him. We sat and listened to music for a bit, and he was talking non-stop again. He admitted that he felt anxious. We were drinking as well. I started the sex, and at one point he said “I am trying to change by the way”, i said “what?” and he said “in response to your messages, when you said you can’t be the only one overcoming the past and insecurities for this”, i was like “ahhh, i can’t talk about this right now”.
He also said, that when he talks to me he sees the world differently. And we were just staring at each other for ages (haha). It was such good sex, such such good sex. The best I’ve had because I felt super comfortable, and it felt natural. At one point during sex I’m pretty sure that he said “I fucking love you” but really quietly, and I just ignored it.
In the morning, he was more distant. And he went to work, and I went back to mine.
We’ve messaged since, and both said that our sex was great, and that we both would do it again etc. I’ve been messaging him a bit on facebook messenger, but I think it’s bad for me. This is because when he doesn’t reply I worry about the whole thing, and worry that I’m not wanted etc etc. Worry that he’s only using me for sex. Worry that he does this to loads of girls etc etc etc.
I deleted the app from my phone again today.
Also, I had my period last week, and it finished. I woke up today in sheer agony. I was bleeding and it was so painful. I also had constipation. I was on the toilet for ages. It was too painful. I went outside and I was nearly sick as well. I phoned in sick to work. So I was off again. And it was also today that my old manager was going to meet with me and give me a written warning about my attendance…. I’ve been at home today, in bed thinking about all of this. I need to go to doctors tomorrow about my period pain and see if i can have anything to help with that. But also, sometimes it feels like I want to escape my life, so I don’t go to work.
I’m also worried I’m going to get too attached to the Toby thing and ruin the whole thing…. or use it as an escape from my life etc.
So yes, today I’ve just taken time out to try and make sense of everything that’s happening at the moment.
I would like to hear your thoughts on all this,
Cat
CatParticipantDear Anita,
I hope that this message finds you well and in a good place physically, spiritually and emotionally??
As I write this message I’m actually addressing a lot of core beliefs that I have in myself: I am an embarrassment to humanity, People are ashamed to be with me, I am weird, I’m a freak, I’m not cool, Everything I do is wrong, I will never succeed at anything, I will never be as worthy as everyone else, I am small, I am weak, I will never be able to overcome my setbacks, I am lazy, the world is laughing at me, the outside world isn’t real – everyone is pretending.
That’s a massive one: Everyone Is Pretending.
Sometimes I just hide away and get caught up in my thoughts, rather than doing stuff. Excuse me writing them here – it felt like Ā useful place I could write these things out as well. Sometimes I think that people see me as my worst version of myself, or people know what’s going on in my head. And that makes me extremely paranoid, that everyone knows everything about my life.
Sometimes I worry that some people talk about me behind my back – that sucks.
In response to your earlier message:
With your mother, what progress had you made? And how was it undone after you saw her? I found with my parents, they never allowed me to grow or change as a person which has been really damaging for me.
I havenāt had any contact with my parents or sister since. The sad fact is, they see me as the person I donāt want to be, they treat me like someone I donāt want to be, rather than the person that I want to be. If that makes sense?In terms of Tobyā¦.. A lot has happened these past few weeks. Emotional intensity from both sides. Heās said a lot of super nice things to me, when drunk. Loads and really opened up. Itās been complex because he has mental health issues and he drinks a lot. I donāt want to go in to full detail, but we both really want each other physicallyā¦ When we fell out I said that I couldnāt be the only one working on overcoming insecurities and my past to make it work. When I saw him in person, he addressed this and said that heās trying to overcome past stuff as well etc.
Itās all the unknown. I know that I really need to be careful and not put any expectation on this if Iām honest.
Cat
- This reply was modified 6 years, 4 months ago by Cat.
CatParticipantOk, so more updates:
2 weeks ago, I was on my way to work, and my sister messaged me, saying how things were still really bad š (abusive relationship, marriage). I think I’ve told you about this before. Anyway, I really can’t have her staying with me in Bristol, because when I’ve tried to help her before she’s been abusive towards me, negative, and nothing is ever good enough. She was like tht over text when I said I didn’t know what more I could do etc. It really threw me off, so I called in to work and said I couldn’t go in.
I went to the centre of town, bought a pack of cigarettes and went to the nearest quiet park space (this is my instant reaction whenever something distressing happens). My new manager called me, and we spoke for an hour about it all .He was really understanding, and gave me the day off to try and fix this situation.
It was that same morning that my Dad text me saying he had a missed call from me and to call him back. I told him that I hadn’t called him and it must’ve been my sister. I asked him if he had spoken to her, and he never replied. My sister text me that day saying she had called them crying down the phone, begging and they hung up on her. She said she received a phonecall from my mum that day, with my mum shouting at her, and that my mum had said that her and me had “made our decision” and that was it.
I would like to know thoughts on this?
I met up with my spirit guide Roy, whos 74, indian man who came to my graduation. We had a walk in the park, and he gave me two books – spiritual living, and one on undoing the ego. We spoke in depth, and I realised that he is part of my soul family. The people who really have been there for me in these distressing times and never been abusive.
I have not heard from my sister since….. I’m not sure there is more else I can do?
I visited one of my friends who lives in the countryside at the weekend. She is happily married, has a dog, and her family come round and visit her all the time, and they do things for her and they are happy to see her happy. When I am in their company, I feel so privileged to be invited in to a family and world that is so loving. We even visited her grandparents.
It pulls on my heartstrings because it makes me feel like that’s the one thing I’ll never have – that feeling of being totally accepted by my family. Or wondering if there is any future? Should I feel guilty when my grandparents die?? I have no idea.
OBviously, its still a worry, and wonder – and I’m confused about my responsibility with this. Would like to hear your thoughts.
Cat xx
CatParticipantDear Anita,
I’ve been meaning to message you for a while – life’s been pretty busy since we last talked. I will try and fill you in thoroughly(!!!)
In response to your last message: How was living in LA? What year was this? A skate punk band I love called FIDLAR are from LA, not sure if you’ve heard of them. When I visited the States, albeit the intense situation(!) I did really love it there. I hope to return one day and experience more.
Wow, that’s cool. Bristol is actually known for its food. Lots and lots of independent markets and shops, freshly grown food, food workshops. Lots of vegetarian and vegan cafes and restaurants. Are you vegetarian or vegan?
In terms of my life… I realise that this is a REALLY important stage in my life, as I’ve realised that I’m growing and maturing… In to someone who is mature, functional, healthy and adult…. This is a new and scary concept for me, as growing up, my parents were two adults who weren’t that at all, and didn’t encourage growth or new changes etc. So I am in the state of looking at the person I’ve been so far, and realising that I don’t need to be attached to that, if that makes sense?
The last time we spoke, I was on my way out… The day didn’t go as planned, as I had a toke on my friends joint, stupidly, and it set off an extreme episode of paranoia. I called one of my friends and was apologising for being a bad friend (in my head I felt like I was a shame to society/ I was different from everyone/ everyone laughed at me/ I was pathetic etc etc. She spoke to me on the phone for a while. My head was so distant from the real world. I had to walk off for ages, go fit by the harbourside by myself, and just wait for the effects to wear off. I distracted myself by sitting by strangers and listening to their conversations and talking to them (something I used to do all the time). I went home that night, slept and luckily returned to my safe place in my head the next morning.
Lesson learnt from this: never ever touch weed again. As it brings out a lot of deep rooted thoughts and feelings that I am trying to uncouth and change already.
In general, life has been good. My friendships with my housemates remain supportive, safe and I feel at home…
There is a potential new guy on the scene. I will call him Toby. Toby added me on Facebook a few months ago, when I was doing promotion work. I remember seeing his profile, and almost feeling like I knew him. This was before the Noel thing. My initial thoughts were: “This guy seems to be my perfect type: bleach blonde hair, grungey, plays guitar etc”. But I had a feeling that he was almost too perfect or too confident or too real, if that makes sense, and I found that intimidating, as I know I could be all those things but wouldn’t want to come across as a faker to someone who was actually doing it.
Anyway, we never spoke. About a month or so a go, I messaged him asking about his IG name. He said that he was hoping to hear from me as he’s been following my posts for a while and agrees with my vibe. We have started talking. He’s a thinker, so we talk about humanity, life, society, thoughts etc. There was subtle attraction mentioned in messages, but not confirmed. We arranged to meet on a Tuesday. He forgot. I gave him a speech about my self worth etc. We both apologised and talked some more, and then we finally met up last Friday.
Toby, in my eyes, is super confident and social, although he says all the time that he has anxiety. I took him to a music exhibition, and he talked the whole time. He can talk for England I swear. We went to the beer emporium afterwards and continued talking. At the end of the night, he said he didn’t want to be soppy, but he was happy with how it had gone, and that I was a fantastic person and that he looked forward to exploring our connection. I went home, and he messaged me the same thing.
We have been messaging since. Again, about my own journey at the moment, and how we see ourselves. He keeps saying he has anxiety – although he comes across as the complete opposite. He also said he thinks he looks like shit, and acts like shit etc. … I’m not sure what to make of that, but I have told him that I am being mindful about our connection, as I don’t want to repeat past mistakes.
By this, I mean – not being too focused on it, not putting everything on to it, and taking it one day at a time. Right now I am just seeing him as a new friend.
One more thing. When we met up, he mentioned this guy called Ethan. MY heart sank. And it turns out it’s one of my exes…. Toby said he’s not friends with Ethan, but his friend is etc. I had to tell Toby how gross Ethan is (because he really is) and Toby said that Ethan randomly gets out porn videos in the middle of conversations – so gross.
With Ethan – I dated him for a few months five years ago. I was going through such a bad time, and this is before I started by spiritual journey. It was drug fuelled and Ethan was nice to me. Ethan would make disgusting jokes, self depricate and a really negative person. The whole group was really. He was very disgusting and had no self-esteem. Looking back, I’m ashamed that I went out with him.
But, it gets worse – Toby is going to start working in the place where Ethan works :'( And I’m really worried that Ethan’s going to talk to him about me, and tell him what I was like at that time. And I’m also worried that Ethan’s negative behaviour is going to run off on Toby, and he’s going to become the same.
I would like to hear your thoughts on all this.
I am going to write another message with more updates.
CatParticipantDear Anita,
I hope this message finds you well. It’s 2.44pm in England, Saturday afternoon. The sun is out, and it’s 28 degrees. Very hot!! I’m just on my way out to a carnival in town – street party with lots going on, going to be a great day.
I agree, that is how religion started – people needing an answer for pain maybe? A reason for existence, suffering, life itself etc.
For me – I’m not religious, but I have looked in to different religions. There was a time where I sought solace and salvation at a multi-faith ashram in Wales. I felt I had nothing left – I went to pray, and I went to find answers for it all. It was there that I met my friend Natalie – older British Indian woman. We were the only two women there who weren’t with families. And it turned out that we had pretty similar situations. Both on our own, both with no family, both had hard upbringings. We would often sit up and have talks about life, spirituality etc. It was so lovely to have that connection. We still catch up as well. Still in contact. She actually came to my graduation. The people that I invited to my graduation were my support system: Natalie, an older Indian man called Sam who also helped me a lot on my spiritual path (he does this with a lot of students), and my boyfriend at the time.I had my therapy phone call today, was great. I have more homework to do – filling out a worksheet on values. What’s valuable to me, and what things I can do to ensure that I am meeting my values etc. !! All good stuff. – with the emotions regarding family, I try not to let it impact my present… And remind myself that with my connection with my family, I am never allowed to be myself or put myself first. There is no way that I would be able to grow in to the person that I want to become, and so I am putting that first.
Yes, the day is long….But the days off are SO worth it!! I’m looking at the positives (only way to do it) – bus time = music time/ reading time/ lyric writing time/ solitude time. At work = I’m getting nursing care experience. The residents are lovely. The staff are a good team and work hard. It’s a community. I also get 3 meals at work as well.
Cat
CatParticipantDear Anita,
Yes it is. I didn’t want to think about it too much, because at the moment it’s something I HAVE to do in order to pay back my debt…. Being off work, and spending time out and being undecided meant that I could only survive through that time by extending my overdraft.. But at least I moved to Bristol in that time!! And I have made progress š I do the long days only 10 times a month, with days off etc. So I am living for the days off really.
It’s my day off today. It takes me a while to feel awake… A few coffee’s, music etc. It’s 3pm and I’m still in my pjs, but am doing my therapy homework with music on…. Self analysing where this lack of motivation comes from/ lack of self esteem etc etc. I am trying to do my therapy homework in depth and send it off end of today, right now I am writing this and also doing bits and bobs at a time around the house.
With the activity log I was telling you about – the ratings of Achievement: 0-10, Closeness with others 0-10, Enjoyment 0-10 etc. I was thinking of proposing that we could change the scorings to things like ‘self-actualization’, ‘self-esteem’ etc. As those are things I find the hardest I think.
I was at work the other day, out at a meal with the people we support. I went outside for a cigarette and I had an overwhelming sense of grief, guilt and confusion about my family situation. Sometimes it’s so hard, I look to the sky for answers. If I’m honest, sometimes it’s is only knowing that I can come on here and tell you about this/ talk to you about it, that brings me a sense of salvation from that feeling. As I know that there is a t least one person who can understand and relate to me.
Also, I was in bed the other night, and realised that recently I have been forgetting gratitude for my life. And also that maybe it’s not my life or myself that is the problem, but how I relate to my life and myself that needs to change. These are the things I have been thinking about the past couple of days.
Cat
CatParticipantDear Anita,
I hope this message finds you well.
Yes, I am continuing to do the therapy homework, when I can.
My shifts are 15 hour days – I think I said this. But this involves me waking up at 4, getting ready to leave at 5, catching the buses to get there and start my shift at 7. Working through until 10pm, then catching buses back after. I’ve been fine with doing that routine, its just the next day (like today) that I tend to feel overwhelmed/ running out of time/ lack motivation/ lower self esteem etc.
I am hoping that I get used to my routine and can start having more energy on my days off.
Like today, I woke up around 12/1, and felt too overwhelmed. I am pushing myself to catch up on here, activity diary etc., and then get ready to go swimming with my housemate…. The bad dreams are still happening and don’t help with this.
My aim is to get in to a routine where I am healthy, functioning, working and also doing my hobbies as well.
Cat
CatParticipantDear Anita,
My therapy homework, is filling in a situation/ emotion/ thoughts/ behaviour log – so if something happens that I have an emotional reaction too, I log it. I have also started an activity diary, where I write what I am doing each day, followed by how I felt doing it, and then a scoring system: A= achievement 0-10, C = closeness with other 0 – 10, E = enjoyment 0 – 10. So for example, it might be: ‘Working out finances. Progressive 70%. A=5 C=0 E=4’.
With my finances – I’ve worked out a strict budget. As I am very much in to my overdraft, and have a lot of things to pay for. I am trying to not worry about it. Because of my phased return/move to different service, it’s unclear how much I will get paid in July. So this means that I may have to extend my overdraft for one last time in July, and then be saving, saving, saving with my budget plan for the next few months to pay it all off…. Hopefully it will all work out.
In terms of my health. I did a food shop the other day, part of the strict budget. So eating is fine. I am prone to getting severe nightmares. I had one the other night, and on Thursday morning it took me all day to feel back to normal. The nightmares always revolve around something that’s happened in the past, but it happens again in the dream, but differently, and can involve people from different situations etc. After I’ve had the nightmares, my mind feels so trapped, taken back to the past and a bad place, and sometimes it can take me all day to get back to my present reality.
Cat
CatParticipantDear Anita,
I hope this message finds you well.
Good news – I’ve switched to 15 hour days, which means I have days off inbetween my shifts – sometimes one day, sometimes 2 days, sometimes 4 days etc. A lot better for me, as I have to catch the bus there an back. And it means on my days off I can relax, catch up with messages and Tiny Buddha, food shop, hobbies etc.!!
It’s my day off today – so I’m doing a food shop, catching up with you, and doing therapy homework, tidying and cleaning a bit, play guitar and catching up with my friend from Chicago.
Cat
CatParticipantDear Anita,
I hope this message finds you well, and fast.
I’ll reply to your message as a later date..
At the moment I have been transferred in my job, and I’ve started work in a nursing home… ALOTĀ of personal care. It’s extremely full on, and at the moment I am finding myself really drained, and not having time to do much else.
Things such as: practicing guitar and singing, waking up earlier etc. But mainly those two.
I’m staying with this job for time being because I have quite a bit of debt to pay back and don’t think I can afford looking for a new job.
Please can you help and give me some tips on how to manage it all? As at the moment I am trying to not be depressed about going to work, and I am trying to not beat myself or be frustrated about the things I’m not doing. I really want to sort my life out now and so I can work hard and also have enough guitar practice as well.
Cat
CatParticipant– more thoughts.. Tonight, my housemate is having a bbq. She is Spanish but speaks great English. All of her friends tonight are Spanish. I tried sitting with everyone, but not much to talk about… I have a slight headache again. I’m wondering if I get headaches when I’m pushed out of my comfort zone? I’m currently sat upstairs with hot chocolate. Realising how much I am in my comfort zone and find comfort, safety and sanctuary in that. I guess it’s taken me years to have a comfort zone, which is why when things happen, I tend to retreat back and regather energy. If that makes sense?
CatParticipantDear Anita,
I hope you are well – and I hope this message finds you fast as well..
It’s been a big day for me. Firstly, I started therapy today – My new therapist is lovely, and seems to be REALLY good at her job!! SO that was a positive step.
I had first band practice today… And this I’m confused about…
So, My friend Greta is 31 and has been in a band with her husband for 8 years or so. She’s a bassist. She wanted to start a band that was me, her, and a drummer. I’m 25 and this is my first band. Greta has been involved in the punk scene for years… but more the old school punk scene – very male dominated, heavy on testosterone and a lot of guys who can’t talk about their feelings etc. Greta picked the drummer – who’s 45ish – old school punk etc.
A couple weekends ago, I saw the drummer – Nigel out in Bristol. I went up to him, enthusiastic about the band, and he wasn’t enthusiastic back at all…. I felt a bit disappointed to be honest, and had doubts about it. I had doubts about him anway. Later on in the evening, there was a girl there who had previously been enthusiastic about drumming in a band with me. I said to Nigel, if you don’t want to drum, then she can drum etc. I said this because he wasn’t enthusiastic about the band.
Anyway, we had band practice today… And obviously I was nervous as hell. Bit of a problem with the tuning of my guitar but I need to sort that. There was a bit of stop/ start etc. But Nigel sat on the drums and looked like he was judging to be honest. He played drums a bit, but after a while he stopped and said that he didn’t want to be in the band.
And that point Greta said “Well this isn’t going well”. And then Nigel mentioned what I’d send a couple weekends ago. I explained that I didn’t think he was enthusiastic etc. He’s very…. old, not good at talking emotions, and used to the male scene if I’m honest…. We went outside, and he said “Well i came down here to jam with some mates a few weeks ago and that was fun”. And I just said “You’re a lot older than me, you have so much experience. This is my first band. Of course I’m going to be stop/ start to begin with, on first practice, and I’m not sorry about that”.
It was a tough situation. Especially as I don’t know Greta incredibly well. But, I felt like Nigel was judging me because I wasn’t perfect asap, whereas he’s used to all the 40 year old punks who have been playing for years etc…
After I went back in Greta said that the 3 of us wasn’t working, but she thinks that me and her can work. We practiced again a bit. Some bits were good and we played well together.
We agreed that its going to be just us 2 for a while, until we’re really confident together, and then we can look for a drummer.
But another thing. After band practice, I came home with a massive headache… The last time I met up with Greta on a night out, I had the same headache at the end of the night. Exactly the same. I’m worried that this is a sign from the Universe??
Would like to know your thoughts on all this,
Cat
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