Dear Anita,

I hope you read this message before I get in to work tomorrow.
At the moment I work at the arts place Mon, Tues, weds, Fri 9-5 and care home on Thursdays.
Last week the care home said they wanted me back because I’m good with the residents and because all the staff know me and want to support me.
I am inclined to go back to the care home for many reasons. Since starting my new job, I’ve found it hard to find time to play guitar and write songs for my band. And also time to read. If I go back to the care home, it means each day I will have either the morning or afternoon free to be at home doing just that.

If I go back to the care home, then I will need to work every other weekend. I will be starting therapy on Saturdays at 2pm. So it may well be a I need to work a long day every other Sunday. This isn’t ideal, but at the moment it seems like the most viable option.

Some people may see this as a step back, but I need to put myself first. Right now in life, I honestly just want to be at peace with myself and to create. In the care home I will be allowed to have breaks when feeling stressed. At the moment running sessions is a lot more stress and pressure and also alot more paperwork.
Ideally I’d love to be off of work, as my mind feels like it’s going to Crack under responsibility and control. I hate feeling trapped.

Cat

• This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by Cat.

Dear Anita,

This week has been quite intense.

Last week I was on annual leave, and a couple things happened when I was away that gave me emotional feelings back to what happened in Amsterdam in 2016. (I was given rhohypnol and was still conscious when I saw 2 guys standing in front of me waiting to assault me). Two things happened when I was away, and last Friday I had a nightmare regarding being sedated, and I woke up in cold sweats. Since Friday, I have continued to have cold sweats.

I went back to work on Tuesday, and my new art sessions job wasn’t that supportive, but I was allowed to spend my working hours in the care home. I spent some time in my old friends room and said my goodbye’s. When I came home on Tuesday evening, I had a nap and when I woke up I was in sweats again. I realised that my mental health really wasn’t normal, or good. I was reliving different traumatic events through my bandmates as well and being very untrusting of them.

I spoke with the on-call GP today and she agreed with me, and believes I’m experiencing PTSD symptoms, and I do need to address this past trauma in my life. I am currently looking in to trauma therapy.

Cat

Dear Anita.

I still haven’t forgotten about you!!

Happy New Year too 🙂

How have you been?

It’s 8pm in Bristol. There’s a storm outside, so I have spent today inside, reading and writing lyrics for a song I wrote.

A lot has happened my end since we last spoke…All the people I mentioned in the last post are no longer in my life….

Me and Angel had an on/off thing for a while. It was difficult because he lived in a different town to me, so I only got to see him every so often. He would be on/off and sometimes reply to my messages, and sometimes he wouldn’t. Also, when we hung out, he would refuse to be affectionate, like kiss me and things like that. It was weird, he said he wanted me but then he was always unattainable. The whole situation was really hard for me, and it triggered a lot of my emotional dysregulation as it would be on my mind alot.

That finished the end of last year.

In October last year, I also left the band I was in. This was partly my own fault but partly the reactions of others too.It’s a long story, but I have realised who my true friends are, and I’m currently starting a new project with people outside of that scene. I feel a lot better for it, as I want to connect with people who are just good, understanding people.

I also have a new job, doing support work with deaf people but doing music, art, drama and card making sessions! I do that 4 days a week and the care job 1 day a week.

Cat x

Dear Anita,

How are you?

I wrote a reply to you earlier in the week… It was in depth…I clicked send and then my internet cut out!! So I lost it!! Typical!! xD

But I am glad that I am writing to you today – as lot’s happening my end, and lot’s to tell you and talk to you about.

Firstly, it’s 6.51pm here in Bristol. The sun has set, its Sunday and its fairly quiet outside. I am sat in my bed. Its been a busy day, so just sending a couple emails before preparing for work tomorrow.

Wow, where to even begin….

In response to your last message:

When Georgia told me about her suffering…it’s almost like I felt the despair. Because I can relate so much, and know how it feels to be in that position. I think it triggers some emotion in me, that I’ve buried from a young age (like suppressed emotion). Which I realised recently that I have ALOT of…. So when I hear Georgia telling me about her suffering, it touches upon that reaction and pain that I’ve supressed, and therefore I feel like I am suffering too.

Georgia came to stay with me a couple weekends ago. We had a lovely time together. On the second day, she arranged to meet with the guy… Whilst she was here, I accepted that she is an adult, and I am not responsible for her choices or happiness. She knew my opinion and advice. Before we went out on the 2nd night, she asked me, that if the guy was out, then for me not to say anything to him or start on him….. It was very difficult. As obviously I know all the awful things he’s done to her. But she said that if I did do or say anything, then she wouldn’t be my friend again. I had no choice but to respect this…. We got to the pub, and he was outside. (She had obviously arranged to meet him, which I suspected). I tried my best to keep out of any contact with him. She spent most of the night with him, whilst I was enjoying the gig and seeing other friends. I managed to control my anger…. Which is so hard for me, because when I feel like standing up for something, its so hard to hold back!!! But I did, by staying away from him. She seemed to have a good night. And she stayed at his that night, and stayed at his for the rest of her duration in Bristol. She said it was surprisingly calm, no physical abuse. But some verbal abuse before she left. As a friend, I can only be here as a calm ear, and to offer consistent advice.

Ok, so about me:

Wow. So much has happened, in this week alone!!

But first. Long story short. In my band, it’s been me and my friend – I’ll call her Dolly. We’ve known each other through the punk scene for years… She’s a few years older than me and has kids. She’s already in a band with her husband, I’ll call him Skelli. They’ve been married for years. Very much in love, very inspiring couple to me.
I’ve been hanging out with Dolly more, because of our band. It’s been really nice connecting with her and Skelli again.

When I was at university, I met a guy in my first year. This must of been, 2011/2012. He didn’t go to uni, but was friends with people I was friends with. I’ll call him Angel. We knew each other and hung out a couple of times. Not sure how it came around, probably talking about punk, but I mentioned Skelli and he said that Skelli was his older brother.

I haven’t seen Angel since 2011/12. But I’ve seen him more since hanging out with Dolly more. I went to Skelli’s birthday drinks in December, and saw him again. We hit it off, and both seemed to like each other. We are seeing each other/ talking/ hanging out etc. We talk about emotions and feelings and things like that. I know he’s been through alot, and going through alot right now. We talk about a lot of stuff. So yeah, this is something that I am trying to remain emotionally stable for as well.

So this week……

After the Georgia weekend, I was completely drained. And on the Sunday night I fell in to a state of depression. (Just to let you know, I came on my period the day before). This depression was the worst that I’ve ever had. I felt like I wasn’t myself, and I couldn’t see a future, could not see any hope for my life. I was in bed all week with severe depression, paranoia and anxiety.

I’ve had this before, on my period. I lose a lot of blood in the first 3 days – I’m waiting for my blood test to see if I’m anemic. That’s on the 25th. But this week, I called the Doctors, because I’m quite certain that I have PMDD. Not sure if you’ve heard of it? Basically, it’s PreMenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. It’s the symptoms of PMS but MUCH more severe. The on-call doctor called me back, and she said that she relates as she had a similar thing. She said that the only way to stop PMDD is to stop my cycle all together, which means I would need to choose a contraception option – either pill or coil etc to stop my cycle completely, and so to stop the hormonal changes in my body. I have a telephone appointment booked for 2 weeks time, to start this process.

The on-call Doctor suggested that I increase my anti-depressants, as they are meant to help balance the hormones in PMDD too. So they have been increased.

The blood test on the 25th will show whether I’m anemic, and also whether I am gluten intolerant as well.

I also realised this week, that I suffer from chronic headaches. These are something that I have had for a very long time, but always dismissed as depression. It was only when I couldn’t get to sleep AGAIN because of the headaches, that I realised that they might be separate from depression. Again, I spoke to the on-call doctor the next day, and he advised having an eye check and staying hydrated. I have an appointment with the doctor about this soon as well.

So basically, this week, I’ve realised alot about my physical health. Really being self-aware about how I’m feeling in every moment. And realising that I’ve supressed a lot of this pain for quite a while, and this week it all came to the forefront. I realised that with the mental pain: I have been surpressing it, and so it manifests itself as negative thoughts about different aspects of my life.

Last night:

I had a dream. It was a bad dream, but there was one thing in it that helped me get through the dream. I woke up this morning, and I didn’t just wake up. I felt something, in my heart. It was like a warm wave, of warmth and happiness and security and it made me smile. I haven’t had that feeling in such a long time, that I actually cried. I actually released emotion. Usually I can never cry, and so I spent time allowing myself to feel and allowing myself to cry. It was this morning that I realised, this was my heart energy, and something that I have found hard to connect to for so long. It felt so good connecting to it. I was late for band practice, but when I did go, I wasn’t in my head like I usually was, and I felt like I was living from that heart space.

I can’t explain it right now, but this is something life-changing for me. Something I am trying to be more aware of in every moment. Instead of living from my head, living from my heart.

Would love to hear your thoughts on all of this,

Love,

Cat

Dear Anita,

Thank you 🙂 How did you injure your ankle?

Cat

Dear Anita,

Sorry this is late. MERRY XMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

How was your xmas/new years?

Yes, writing out long replies and losing them has happened to me MANY times!!! I feel the frustration. Now I tend to write the reply in a document then copy and paste it over.

How many times have you been to the UK? And how did u find London??

That apple juice diet sounds mental!!! I still struggle with buying /cooking food but that is one of my goals for this year.

Cat xoxo

Dear Anita,

It’s just gone for 4pm in Bristol. I’m using my housemates laptop to reply, coffee next to me and still in pjamas. I woke up around 10am today but was super super tired. I had some breakfast, coffee and spoke to my other housemate before she left to go to Spain (she’s gone for 3 days). I then went back to sleep, and woke up again around 3. Feeling very hungry, I ordered a veggie burger, chips, cake and milkshake online. Lazy, I know. But thought I’d do it as a one-off, just til I feel better. I am replying to you now, then having a bath, then doing some cleaning up and then practicing guitar.

Yes, I do understand what you mean about suffering. I haven’t thought about it in that way before, but you are right…. And thinking about it, the people who inspire me to help end suffering, and to campaign against issues aren’t actually suffering. They are/ were people who were in a position to speak out and campaign against things because they could.

I think this core belief comes from my upbringing for sure, as I watched my parents suffer. But because they were suffering, they made us believe that we had to suffer too (and ensured that we did) yet also feel sorry for them etc etc. And a lot of the time put the blame of their suffering on to us. Yes, this is definitely where this core belief comes from!!!

Band practice last Friday went well!! We actually played the songs together, and well! We ran through both songs and nailed them in 40 minutes. Then spent the last hour and 20 minutes trying to record them on the 4-track. Although the recordings weren’t great due to the place it was positioned in the room… I got a recording on my phone, and this is keeping me inspired. The plan is to have another practice next Friday, and get some recordings done then. And then we can send them to the people interested in drumming. And then we will be sorting drummer try-outs!!

It feels like this is a dream coming true (as lame as that sounds). But we have a strong image, name, sound, and I know that if I’m able to put alot of energy and effort in to this, then I think we will be great…. It’s a new feeling though. As I never thought I would be good enough to be in a band. Or ever have the ability or confidence to do it… I know to a lot of people it would be like “but thats so easy, why is that a dream”. As i know there are people doing things far more extravagant. I don’t know. I guess for me, I’ve been so used to not taking control of my life. Of just living to work, not eating properly, hiding away. But now I’m taking steps to build and live the life that I want to – and to feel like I deserve that. And for me to really believe in myself and to believe I deserve that…. Well. I think it’s the biggest mindset challenge/ core belief/ life perspective that I have had to challenge so far. Can’t describe it really…. Let me know if you can relate to this.

British Columbia looks beautiful!! How is life for you Anita?

I haven’t watched Bohemian Rhapsody yet but I have heard good things!

Cat

Dear Anita,

Good to hear from you. Its funny that you messaged on here, as I’ve been meaning to message you the past couple days!! I meant to do it on 11:11 (a big spiritual day for me) but I was busy writing down manifestations for the future!!

How are you? How have you been?

Things for me have been pretty stable, but I do continue to push myself and grow.

Bristol has been great! We went all out on Halloween and did the house up amazing. My birthday was back in April but I was having a breakdown so didn’t celebrate it, so I celebrated it on Halloween instead. Great time with my close friends. Very funny.

I continue to do the long hour days. Which is fine.

Last week I had a bit of an epiphany at work. I was on a long day and around 4.30 I started feeling really trapped. It made me think about my life. The job I’m at now isn’t a job where I want to be forever. I would prefer a more chilled job but atm I need to just keep a job in order to pay back my debt. That is the main goal. I also realised that band stuff was really stagnant and not happening. And realised Ive been wanting to dye my hair for ages.

I took some time out on shift and had a little cry. I called my friend Emily. It was a wake up call to start doing the things I love now. I got in touch with my bassist and told her I NEED to do this etc. Need to throw myself in to a project. She got it together and we now have band practice this coming Friday. I also dyed my hair bright red last night and it looks great. Today I also did loads of guitar practice. I feel like I am becoming the person I want to be.

I struggle alot thinking I’m not good enough. But I did it. I dyed my hair. And I practiced guitar and wrote a solo. I’m starting to feel like my goals aren’t as impossible as I have seen them in my mind. And that is honestly one of the most liberating things ever for me….. I wish I could feel this capable and in alignment all the time!

In general things are stable and good…. In the past week I have had contact with Toby over messenger… I asked to see how he was, and it ended up turning in to a conversation where he was open with me about where he’s at and why he’s being self destructive. He opened up about his family and his upbringing and lots of different stuff and how he sees himself etc. I spoke to him for hours. He said he felt weird because he doesn’t talk to people about his stuff etc.

I was rational and I connected with him on a human to human level and was giving him some advice about well being, self care etc.

It was hard for me to hear him be so hard on himself. He calls himself a lot of horrible names all the time and is generally in a really bad place. Doing a lot of drugs, drinking alot etc etc.

I was worried about him. And because I’m an empath, my worry and concern stayed with me and consumed me to the point where I didn’t go to work on Monday.

I spoke to my friend Michael about all of this, and he said that it sounds like I am a healer. I agreed and said that when I see someone suffering, I feel that energy and feel an urgent call to help them.

I realised this. I spoke to Toby and I said, that I can’t sacrifice my health or wellbeing in order to help him and that only he can do that for himself. But I did say that I would encourage him towards being able to help and care for himself.

I offer him advice. As and when he replies. I have put his message notifications on mute, so I can read them as and when I am ready and so messages do not alarm me etc.

My housemates think I shouldn’t be talking to him. But I have a feeling that I’m probably one of the few people in his life who have time, patience and general kindness that I think he does need from somewhere. He is in a really bad place, and if my messages bring a little bit of hope in to his life, then I think it’s worth it.

Let me know your thoughts.

Cat