Hi Anita 🙂

Here is an update from me:

Therapy goes well so far… I am totally honest with my therapist and I think he is the right person to talk to.. I’ve already talked to him about an other issue that bothers me a lot…

I am very ashamed of this but somehow I want to tell you too to “get it off my chest”

In the beginning of my relationship with my boyfriend, I kissed another guy. I was together with my boyfriend for about 1 month..

As already mentioned, He is a very kind person – I love him so so much – but he has some conditions. For example: He doesn’t want that I have male friends. And now, I’m totally okay with that and understand him. But one day I wanted to go out for drinks with him, two girls and one other male friend (we both know this male friend). And somehow he thought that it is not okay that I want to go out with this male friend. But I wanted him to come with us! I made this very clearly and called him about 20 times this night because I didn’t know why he is not showing up. The next day he ignored my calls. Until I drove to his home in the evening. He said he wants to end the relationship. I was crying and begging and able to convince him that he shouldn’t do that and it is a huge misunderstanding. We stayed together and I was so happy. But on the other hand I was very anxious from this moment. I just couldn’t stand that he ignores so many calls from his new girlfriend (we were together for 1 month). He promised me, that he will answer my calls immideately from now on and he understands that I’m going to be very anxious about that the next weeks,…

A week or two later he wasn’t writing back the whole day. And I was so afraid that he wants to end the relationship again. To come to the point: A boy I had a thing with before asked me if I want to have drinks. And I (dumb shit) said yes. Because I was so pissed at my new boyfriend. We had a lot of drinks, it was a “funny” night and then. We kissed. As I realized. What I’ve just done I started crying and the boy called me a taxi to my boyfriend. I confessed to him that I met this other boy but I didn’t say that there was a kiss. I was 100% sure that if I would say that he would leave me. And I just couldn’t stand that, I know that it is wrong. From this day on, our relationship went so well. He never ignores my messages and I would never get into a situation where I kiss another man again. I hate myself for it so much. And I know that he would want to know the truth to break up with me. And if I could see 1% chance that he wouldn’t I would tell him. But there is 0%. The guilt is eating me up. My therapist told me I should forgive myself. But I’m so afraid that in 10 years from now, I still think about this kissing and that I don’t deserve my boyfriend. But I love him so much that I am such an egoistic idiot that can’t open her mouth and be honest…

Dear anita

thank you a lot for all your kind answers.. They really helped me to feel a little better…

But somehow one fear replaces another.. Now I’m so afraid, that someday I’m having children and that they are just like me. That they have to struggle with lying aswell. I hope so much that I can prevent that by helping them to build a healthy self-confidence, but than I think about that my parents are SUCH AMAZING people and still I turned out that way…

thanks again…

sometimes I also think that I have to apologize to all people I’ve done wrong.. Even if they have already forgotten about it and don’t care at all anymore..

I wish I could just leave my past behind and enjoy the present..

About my self-esteem: I always thought that I’m not interesting enough, that nobody wants to hang out with me if they now the “real me”. My boyfriend now knows the real me. And we are so happy together. But right now I just can’t enjoy it. I try to “justify” all my mistakes in my head, but of course I can’t. They are just mistakes and there’s no excuse for them. And I struggle so hard to leave them behind and overthink if it would be okay to just let them go and concentrate on my life right now..

Hey Anita, thank you very much for your answer!

I think my main problem right now are the obsessive-compulsive thoughts… I think about everything I’ve ever done wrong and try to learn from it and change my behavior. Then I’m clean with it for a few moments but quickly start to think again “But my boyfriend deserves better, If he would knew aaaall of my thoughts and further actions I’m sure he wouldn’t want to be with me anymore”. And then I think that it’s egoistical that I still want to be with him. And if it’s enough that I try to do better everyday…  And then I can’t stop to google, and to write in my notes and all I can think about is that I am / was a bad person…