Thank you truly for all the support and response. Ur empathy and personal stories really does make me feel less alone. Basically what everyone has said is true. This change is really hard. I ended up listening to my gut. I called and said thank you for the opportunity but I needed to quit my new PT job. Although this makes me feel guilty, I knew it’s what I wanted/needed. Not an hour later my old manager called, apologetically and asked me if there is any part time arrangement that would entice me to come back. No joke. I was so busy getting my ducks in a row and prepping to change I didn’t actually consider asking my previous employer to work with me.

I’m not out of the woods. I know thus is still a huge adjustment and I really just had this empiphany that there a pretty serious internal conflict that is keeping me from being present. I can’t stand uncertainty, I have trouble advocating my needs, and I don’t feel confident about my choices. I feel really lost and sad. And I think I do need to accept that. I think more than anything I have a right to have down time. I am going to do this internal work and try to heal. I really don’t think any path is going to feel ‘right’ until it involves healing. I think I am confused between being ‘positive’ and being human.

I also went to my Bikram class today and remember even with a extra time afforded by reducing my hours of work I have to prioritize myself. It’s way to easy to fill my day with childcare, cleaning, schoolwork and general busy-ness. I have set aside time to heal myself. And I am going to honor that commitment even tho it’s super duper scary.